It is September

It have been more than 6 months since the last time I wrote something here. Errmm... lots of things happened actually. Well, here we go... a quick summary

March:

1) Zeah's lost her dad a shy two weeks before her big E day. It is hard for her. No doubt. Physically and emotionally, she is affected by it.

2) Got a news for the Paris conference. Paris!!!! Here I come!! Went to Paris and had a blast!

April:

1) S****n lost her dad. It is unexpected. She called me. When she told me that she is glad that we had the little chat when she came in early April, I am speechless!!

2) Something happen in late March and I was diagnosed as having a depression. Learning and teaching those theories about abnormality and whatnot really do not prepare me for the situation and somebody has to point that out straight to my face to make me realize that I am depressed. Called Kak N and told her about it. I started to have small routine before and after I school. I will keep on doing the routine even after I finish studying.

May:

1) Summer loving!!!! Kind of busy with my analysis chapters and Alhamdulillah for everything

June:

1) Conferences: London - Paris - Sheffield

July:

1) Writing up my quali chapters.... yup... I have done something....

August:

1) 3 chapters.... and more to go and edited

2) Ramadhan.... it is a year....

September:

1) Here I am ... it is already September...

2) K** grad last July. She is starting Masters in Sheffield.

3) Kak E*** is my new housemate.

4) Kak N is going to have her viva on 30 Sept and going back for good on 2 Oct. I will miss her terribly!!!! There is no more 'sudden call' every time or any time I feel blue... Ya Allah, I seek Your Guidance to ease our journey ... Aminnn....

That's all...

It's February

Alhamdulillah.... I was not feeling well since last November.... on off fever, coughing, sneezing.... Alhamdulillah.... I am still alive and with the fact that I don't know when I will die, I am grateful with every single breath I take...

Met Shaun after so many months (he went back to collect his data in Thailand). Did similar analysis so I have him to discuss things. Alhamdulillah.

I am still doing the qualitative analysis (I know that I should stop it right now). I am getting more clear (even though still have lots of uncertainty feeling) with the data and quite comfortable with it.

Lots of things have happened. Sab's wedding on Azim's side. Called mak almost every day when she was in KL. She is not feeling well. Selsema dan batuk but with her condition, a simple flu or cough might lead to major thing. There is pointless to worry too much about it. I pray to Allah that she will be ok.

When I called her, she did mention about me of not getting married yet. I know that she is worried about my marital status. After all seeing her three grandchildren got married must trigger something in her mind about me. The thing is, it is ketentuan Allah that I am not married at this time. It is not that I don't want to get married. It is just a matter of time before I get married. I believe in that.

Fiqah's aunt came from Hull. I feel guilty because I didn't entertain her that well since I am so busy doing my analysis (I am in the mood of doing it even though I pushed myself too much until I got sick again). Alhamdulillah.... I have the chance to chat with her and it seems that she is not feeling well too. Durham is too cold for her like Kak N*****, I guess.

A****** went back for a week to surprise her hubby. Such a sweet gesture!!! I think I will do the same if I were her. I** is visiting her bro in Dubai end of February. I am nobody and thus I know that I should not 'menyibuk' to go Dubai for that matter.

Received a great news from Z*** last Sunday (14 Feb). It has nothing to do with Valentine's day. Just a normal day and a holiday due to CNY. Hope to hear more great news from her again this coming March. The Big E day for her. Alhamdulillah...

S***** is coming on this Easter holiday (again has nothing to do with celebrating Easter day just since it is a hoilday, S***** is coming from London to take her stuff). Looking forward for that.

I am still working on the Paris conference kind of thingy... only even if it is just a poster presentation... I pray that I can get that chance...

MGDC and Bonnypack

Went to Glasgow to present paper... 1st paper... went very well.... met people who provide valuable support and information... after all, even though PhD is a solitary journey, sharing and exchanging information with others in the same journey comforts me ... actually, we find comfort in each other company.... Alhamdulillah

It is one of my wishes to meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail..... then who ever thought that Allah Grants my wish!!!! When I asked Bonda about the person who is going to give the first talk... she just passed me a piece of paper, contained lists of presenters...... when I saw his name..... I guess my heart stop to beat for a second!!! Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail? Ya Allah.... I am one of his blog silent readers..... Meeting him, his wife and two kids.... was priceless...

He talked about things that I take for granted.... Life is full with ketentuan and aturan (pre-destined) Allah..... how ever thought that I will have the courage to send the abstract to MGDC... at that time, I was "clueless"... and emotionally unstable due to the grief and bereavement phase that was still prevalent ... at that time...

As I am writing this, I am feeling mush better,...... reciting surah Yassin everyday comforts me... I am looking forward to read it after Maghrib prayer because it is like having a special date ..... can't wait to "re-connect" with my dad through reciting surah Yassin... mentioning his name and my grandparents..... really gives me sense of belonging.... I am after all his daughter.... their granddaughter.... even though, I never met Nyayi Saemah (she passed away when my dad was 8).... yet, I feel the feeling of connectedness when I recite surah Yassin for them....

I don't know if I inherit any of their physical features.... I was told that Nyayi Saemah is a real beauty and same with Nyayi ... both of them were a beauty.... to marry a guy who has nothing (materially) except he was known for his charity and knowledge, it must takes her a real courage to trust her dad's judgment (for Nyayi Saemah).... and for Nyayi, to marry a guy who was older than her by nearly 20 years.... must freak her out... yet due to his good characters that melt her heart, I guess.... every time Mak re-told the story of her dad.... I can sense that she's really adore him... I don't know if I can re-tell similar story about my dad to my kids in the future... bapa was kind in his own way.... just it is kind of hard for him to accept the fact that his children really thrive in their studies and to be educated really freaked him out... even though, none of us are arrogant with what we know due to the education that we have... yet, I can sense that he was not comfortable with us... thus, the clash of understanding... but being him, he would show that he'd really proud of us behind our back....

Who ever thought that I will be born has his daughter? All of these are ketentuan and aturan Allah...

Had a chat with my friend, Wiwi.... she said that she feels inferior when people start to compare their academic achievement with her.... gosh!!! I told her that we cannot feel inferior and at the same time feel superior... rather.... we should feel grateful.... Alhamdulillah.. Allah Blesses us with this kind of life.... to be a Muslim is a blessing in itself... and it is our responsibility to maintain our life as Muslim and be grateful with His Blessing.... it is an amanah to be a Muslim.... Alhamdulillah.... Allah Grants us the bestest for us... even though, we might not know why Allah Grants us... it is pointless to ask why... rather be grateful... Alhamdulillah....

Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail did mentioned about his own experience.... kind of humbling that he came to UK.... to share with us .... it gives me a motivation... PhD is just a phase..... A humbling experience to endure all the challenges while doing this so called PhD... not all are given the chance to be tested this way.... Alhamdulillah

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While I am in Glasgow, people suggested that I should go to Bonnypack.... what is that?.... so kind of asking around the Glasgow people about it... F**** went with me ... oh my.... I ended up buying few more stuff... the usual stuff.... I would rather say... no details needed if you know me.... my fetish.... *sigh*.....

Alhamdulillah.... I got the chance... not only to present, meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail... but also to shop at Bonnypack...

As a result, Alhamdulillah... got severe cough when I am back to Durham.... sleepless night?... u bet!

It has been a while

What have I done? It was snowing heavily for few days which turned into weeks. Kind of morose (did I?). Well, started go to school back even though it is slippery and wet.

Going to Glasgow on 18 Jan. Just want to have a break and present something. Talking about presentation, it has been a while since the last time I present something. Yup. Kind of nervous, anxious.... I will do fine and will enjoy the moment while I can.

Been thinking a lot what will happen in few months. Will I be able to achieve my target? I know that it is still uncertain. I will do the best. The very best. The bestest.

I want to finish thing ASAP. Seems that it's been too long.

Called Mak yesterday. She sounds better. They changed her medication. She is really looking forward to go to KL via Air Asia with kakak for Sabrina's wedding reception (Azim's side). When she told me that my call can make her day, I promise to myself that I will call her as often as I could. In fact, I will call her every week. Or twice a month if I am super duper busy.

Alhamdulillah, it seems that she is getting better when it comes to dealing the loss. I know it is hard for her when it happened. I was affected by it too. It is something that I have to learn.

Life is a process. Yes, indeed.

We decide. We reflect. We choose.

Sometimes, things just happen. Whatever it it, we have to face it and be responsible toward every single action that we do. Kind of simple to say it. To do it, always another different story.

Alhamdulillah. Allah Gives me opportunity to do many things that I could never even imagine 5 years ago. Even though it is hard, I pray that I will pass this phase successfully. I pray hard that I will.

Something happened

It's term break. I haven't finished with the recoding. Went to NVIVO training on 16 and 17 Dec and I become more confused than ever! It is just matter of time before I get used to the software and I will be fine sooner than I ever imagine.

Then, something happened on 20 Dec and it is not my fault. Yet, people partially blame me because I am doing nothing (I don't know on a first place) and it seems that people (the jiran tetangga) see me as the ketua in this house. I am the oldest and doing a PhD (what's that supposed to mean?!!!)

To make thing short, I was slandered and things got worsen. What I can do is pray to Allah that He will show me whatever evil intentions that person has towards me. Alhamdulillah, even though she's slandering me behind my back, somehow I know about it.

I couldn't sleep for nearly 2 days and I had a headache and feeling light weight (this is not because I lose weight, just it is a feeling due to lack of sleep).

I made a decision, that she has to go. Move out from this house. This house is my sanctuary. I don't need a tensed atmosphere where I can't relax and always on my guard because I don't know what will she do next.

No discussion and negotiation is needed. That's final.

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26 Dec. My niece, Sab got married. Called my mom and kakak a day before the wedding. My mom sounds happy. She has stopped taking the TB medication and she got her appetite back.

Kakak cried when she heard my voice. This is not the kakak I know all my life. She misses me. How she wish that I was there to help around.

I tried to do my work as fast I could. I will finish on time. I pray hard that I will finish on time.

When things happened like this, being slandered and all, I know that I have to be stronger no matter what. I have to be decisive. Even though, it is hard, I need to do this.

If not, I have to bear with Allah's wrath that I don't want to face on a first place.

To face with Allah's wrath or her wrath?

I am more fear of the former than the latter.

That's final. I pray that this is the best decision I make for this problem.

Progress

I don't know and can't tell if I am making any progress at all. After solat subuh, I decide not to go back to sleep. I have a look at others' thesis (yup, I "ciluk" 2 theses from school) and Abg L's thesis (draft). Looking at their theses, it gives me a sense that there is a longggggggggggggg wayyyyyyyyy to go for me to finish. Goose bump. Shiver for few seconds.

Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!

Plan for the week:

1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)

Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.

Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).

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Received an email from Kak Y**

How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.

This is what I replied:

When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.

Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....

Other than that, I am ok.

Thanks for asking

What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.

I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?

I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,

Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.

For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.

For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.

For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.

Raya Haji

I have a guest from Bristol this raya. Last raya, I had guests from Malaysia. How time flies! It's been a year already.

Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel

Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.

She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!

When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.

This is what I got from Yed.

So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.

WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.

Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.