Today is Friday. I know that I am not supposed to do it yet I am doing it anyway. Yup, counting the days since bapa passed away. I know it is not healthy yet I am doing it anyway. I count the days to remind myself of him as well as how short life is.
My mind is pretty preoccupied with research. Although I am still doing the transcribing, yet when I got the book that I bought from Amazon yesterday, I haven't do any transcribing today. I am really got hooked up with this book. It is about thematic analysis of qualitative data. Kak N***** told me about it and I bought it last Monday. I got it yesterday. I told Zac about it and before I know it Nihra (who is down under in New Zealand) also got interested with the book within a day! The power of networking. I told Zac because she is also doing something about mixed method research. Thematic analysis is one of the ways to analyse qualitative data. There are other methods. I intend to use it because it suits with the type of data that I have.
The book was well written and as if the author is having a conversation with me aka the reader. Zac told me that the book is rather "old" and thus it could be obsolete. My justification is since Boyatzis is The Man in thematic analysis, it would be unfair to leave him out from any discussion about thematic analysis. Thematic analysis was developed from what psychologists used in their thematic apperception test (TAT). In this sense, it was developed to analyse research data rather than data from psychological therapy. David McClelland was The Man in the creation of TAT. I told Zac, it would be helpful if we know a wide array of methods that we can use for qualitative analysis, just in case we might be asked by the examiner during our viva later on.
Alhamdulillah, I have such friends to share such information. I am blessed that I found such people in this journey as this journey would be much harder had I not have them as my friends. We can talk, we can argue, we can "kutuk" each other without hurting each other feeling because even though we might have our differences yet we know that we will be there for each other without fail.
I wonder if trust is given or we earn it. We expect that people give their trust to us. We think that we might deserve to earn it. Yet, what make people trust or earn trust from others are based on subjective matter.
I trust people when they don't have anything to hide. They are true to their self. Most of the time, from my thematic analysis of people behavior, some people are so afraid to open up (even though they say that they are open minded and easy going type of people). They expect that other people to understand them whereby they themselves do not understand what they want or need on a first place. In short, they are having what we termed as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance can account for the psychological consequences of disconfirmed expectations. We have it most of the time. Just the most important is what we do with the cognitive dissonance that we experienced. Active and optimistic approach to overcome the cognitive dissonance are healthy for one's psychological state.
I am not talking about spirituality here because I believe spiritual health comes from spiritual activities or ibadah (and since every single act is an ibadah, our spiritual state is always at stake).
Coming back to the subject matter of trust, do I trust myself? Trust is different from confidence. I might feel confident about myself, my ability, yet do I trust myself? One might feel hurt due to the fact of not being trusted. My stand is I don't care much if people trust me or not. What matter most how I trust myself. People's trust are subjected on their preferences and perhaps social values that might be different from mine. So, it is something which is beyond my control. I can't control what people believe, don't I? I trust myself that I will be true to myself no matter what. Thus, I will be true to other people around me. If some of them feel that I am not true to them, it is their stand that I will respect. I don't need people to understand me. To understand myself is a challenge in itself that I have to struggle with. Thus, to understand others is another challenge that I should not care too much about it. After all, I have so many things to handle at the moment. Cheers!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 3.5
Saw Sab's graduation pictures (Sab is my niece, 2nd child of my eldest sis). How time flies! Then I saw my bro-in-law aka his abah wore a familiar batik shirt. It's one of my late dad's favorite batik shirt. The very one I bought for him when I started working at UTM. I still remembered the conversation that bapa had with Pak Cik Karim about his children when he wore the shirt during raya 2005. He complained to Pak Cik Karim that his children seldom bought him anything. Then, I pointed out to him and Pak Cik Karim, that the batik shirt , the pants and also the shoes that he's wearing at that time were bought by me. Then he smiled saying "Baru ni je dia belikan". Pak Cik Karim knowingly gleefully smiled. Yeah. He knows his elder brother well.
Seeing the shirt made me shed tears. I miss him. I miss to hear his complaint. I miss it when we had our argument about his dietary. I miss to hug him. I miss everything about him.
Thinking back, Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with the chance to see him alive for the very last time when I rushed back last August. To stay at the hospital with him was a priceless experience. I am quite surprise that I don't feel tired at that time even though I did lots of things ... rushing here and there. I am blessed too with the fact that I am still single. Had I were married at that time, with little tots on tow, it will be harder. Kakak was also blessed with such understanding hubby and the fact that her kids are above 20s. Ayang (her youngest child) is studying at UTM. 3rd year. How time flies! I still remember when she was in her 1st year. She does not want to be seen with me.
Like what Kak N***** said, at least I have done my part well. There are nothing to regret. Had I come back a bit later than I did, I might not be able to see him for the last time. Had I wait Kak Ani and family to come to Durham, I might not be able to take turn with kakak to accompany him at the hospital. I have nothing to regret. I am blessed that I have nothing to regret. Alhamdulillah.
Looking back, the timing was right. It's perfect. Alhamdulillah.
Even though A*** wasn't in Durham anymore when I came back to UK. I am glad that I had spent meaningful and wonderful time before I rushed back. I am glad that she was there to accompany me. I am lucky, indeed.
I am blessed to have wonderful people around me. Alhamdulillah, K** and S******* are here as my housemates. I am blessed that I am not staying alone.
Seeing the shirt made me shed tears. I miss him. I miss to hear his complaint. I miss it when we had our argument about his dietary. I miss to hug him. I miss everything about him.
Thinking back, Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with the chance to see him alive for the very last time when I rushed back last August. To stay at the hospital with him was a priceless experience. I am quite surprise that I don't feel tired at that time even though I did lots of things ... rushing here and there. I am blessed too with the fact that I am still single. Had I were married at that time, with little tots on tow, it will be harder. Kakak was also blessed with such understanding hubby and the fact that her kids are above 20s. Ayang (her youngest child) is studying at UTM. 3rd year. How time flies! I still remember when she was in her 1st year. She does not want to be seen with me.
Like what Kak N***** said, at least I have done my part well. There are nothing to regret. Had I come back a bit later than I did, I might not be able to see him for the last time. Had I wait Kak Ani and family to come to Durham, I might not be able to take turn with kakak to accompany him at the hospital. I have nothing to regret. I am blessed that I have nothing to regret. Alhamdulillah.
Looking back, the timing was right. It's perfect. Alhamdulillah.
Even though A*** wasn't in Durham anymore when I came back to UK. I am glad that I had spent meaningful and wonderful time before I rushed back. I am glad that she was there to accompany me. I am lucky, indeed.
I am blessed to have wonderful people around me. Alhamdulillah, K** and S******* are here as my housemates. I am blessed that I am not staying alone.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 3
Had a good cry with Kak N***** over the phone. It was therapeutic. She made me realize many things that I overlook. Thanks for being there for me. I need this kind of people to help me go through this phase successfully.
I know that I can be aloof to some people who care about me after I lost my dad and have good intentions by asking me about him and my well being, but the thing is I don't wish to share with them about my feeling for many reasons. Being sympathetic is not what I need. I need someone who empathize. Empathic people are people who always be there for you no matter what. Little things count along the way. Sometime it is not about asking how I am doing matter most, but rather being there when I need them most without me asking.
Some people show that they care but in actual fact, they don't give it a damn about you. They say, they care, they show, they care but instinctively, deep inside you, you know otherwise. They don't care about you. All that they care is about themselves i.e. how they have to cope with you who might change emotionally after your loss.
Psychologically, when people deal with loss of someone in the family, more than 50% of that person will change. Sometime the changes are not that visible. Yet, that person is changed.
I know that there are certain things have changed after I lost my dad. My views on certain things definitely have underwent some transformation. Do I like the new me? Yes, I am.
I know that I can be aloof to some people who care about me after I lost my dad and have good intentions by asking me about him and my well being, but the thing is I don't wish to share with them about my feeling for many reasons. Being sympathetic is not what I need. I need someone who empathize. Empathic people are people who always be there for you no matter what. Little things count along the way. Sometime it is not about asking how I am doing matter most, but rather being there when I need them most without me asking.
Some people show that they care but in actual fact, they don't give it a damn about you. They say, they care, they show, they care but instinctively, deep inside you, you know otherwise. They don't care about you. All that they care is about themselves i.e. how they have to cope with you who might change emotionally after your loss.
Psychologically, when people deal with loss of someone in the family, more than 50% of that person will change. Sometime the changes are not that visible. Yet, that person is changed.
I know that there are certain things have changed after I lost my dad. My views on certain things definitely have underwent some transformation. Do I like the new me? Yes, I am.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 2
Here I am, back in UK after nearly two months in Malaysia. I tried not to cry in front of mak when she sent me off at the airport. Seeing her waving her hand as I entered the departure hall really breaks my heart. I didn't cry when I hugged her but seeing her hand from afar, I cried. I continued to cry even on the plane. To make it not too obvious, I put a handkerchief on my eyes and only then I cried. I guess the passenger seating beside me can notice that I am crying, but with his understanding look, I can guess that he can sense that I am sad. Thanks for not asking what makes me sad. It is comforting to know that he cares yet not asking too much about it.
The nearly 20 hours journey to UK really feels so long. I can't sleep like always, yet I don't have any mood to watch any movie or listen to any song on the plane.
Things inside my room are still as it is as I left it. Seeing bapa's pictures on the wall makes me cried again.
Abg Zul and Kak Ila fetched me from the airport with Nadia and his dad. I was in Nadia's car since Abg Zul's car is full. I can't help from not crying when they asked me about my dad. I am becoming such a cry baby these days! I said to myself and others that I am ok. The reality is, I am not THAT ok in a real sense. This is just a phase.
I went to visit him with mak and kakak on Friday, a day before I left. Did a tahlil led by kakak after we recited surah Yassin. Mak was still sad. It seems that every single things that we do are under her scrutiny. She is also very high strung. It is hard to understand what's going on her mind at most of her time. I pray that kakak will be strong and patient to take care of her. I can't wait to finish my study ASAP. I wish that I could stay longer to accompany her.
I am still having the jet lag. Arghh... it's already 1020am (UK time) and just 520pm (Malaysian time). Yet, I am feeling light headed..... I will continue this entry...
The nearly 20 hours journey to UK really feels so long. I can't sleep like always, yet I don't have any mood to watch any movie or listen to any song on the plane.
Things inside my room are still as it is as I left it. Seeing bapa's pictures on the wall makes me cried again.
Abg Zul and Kak Ila fetched me from the airport with Nadia and his dad. I was in Nadia's car since Abg Zul's car is full. I can't help from not crying when they asked me about my dad. I am becoming such a cry baby these days! I said to myself and others that I am ok. The reality is, I am not THAT ok in a real sense. This is just a phase.
I went to visit him with mak and kakak on Friday, a day before I left. Did a tahlil led by kakak after we recited surah Yassin. Mak was still sad. It seems that every single things that we do are under her scrutiny. She is also very high strung. It is hard to understand what's going on her mind at most of her time. I pray that kakak will be strong and patient to take care of her. I can't wait to finish my study ASAP. I wish that I could stay longer to accompany her.
I am still having the jet lag. Arghh... it's already 1020am (UK time) and just 520pm (Malaysian time). Yet, I am feeling light headed..... I will continue this entry...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 1
It has been nearly two months since the last time I wrote something here. Just a quick summary:
- I heard that bapa's condition is deteriorating on 7 August. Less than a week after I went back from a trip to Europe. I immediately booked a ticket back to Malaysia on 10 August and off I went back to Malaysia.
- On 11 August, after a flight delay in Dubai and penalty that I have to pay to MAS for the flight that I missed (due to the delay in Dubai), I safely arrived in JB late night. Went straight to HSI (Hospital Sultan Ismail) to see bapa. I was so shocked to see his condition. With tubes all over his frail body, I just couldn't believe to see him in that way. I broke down but I promised kakak that I would not cry again like that.
- Although kakak tried to hide some of the things from me, deep inside my heart, I know that his days are numbered. I just had the feeling.
- I started to take turn to wait him at HSI on Friday. I am so nervous. What if I mistakenly do something to make thing worst? Bapa had to be fed using tube and kakak asked me to ask the nurse to teach me how to feed him using the tube. I fed him using the tube with the assistance of a trainee nurse. It was a success. It is not that difficult.
- Bapa opened his eyes for a while that day (Friday). I put my face close to his face and asked him if he knew me. He mumbled something. He's responded. Alhamdulillah. I don't care much if he still remembered me or not as I have accepted the fact that he's no longer recognize me a long time ago.
- An Indian patient died on Saturday. It is so sad to see him passed away without anyone noticing it. Not even the nurse. His bed is in front of Bapa's bed. I saw that he is sleeping yet I wonder why his eyes are opened. I thought that perhaps he used to fall asleep with his eyes open. I also noticed that a machine was beeping continuously. I don't know what does it mean if it is beeping. If I alerted the nurse or a doctor, does it make any difference?
- At the time, while nurses and doctors tried to save the Indian uncle, Bapa was grimacing and groaning, as if he knew what's happening to his neighbour. I put my face close to his and muttering Allah to his left ear until he's asleep.
- On Sunday, there is a new patient admitted. From my limited knowledge of medicine, it seems that he is having a stroke. His sons and daughter were there. Two of them left and only one stayed to wait for him. Two doctors came. Trainee doctors. From a far, I notice that the uncle couldn't move his right hand and leg. Then I noticed that he's having a difficulty in speech. Only then I realised that he has a stroke, indeed. This uncle passed away on Wednesday. It broke my heart to see siblings quarreling in front of their dad to argue about who wants to stay at the hospital to wait from their dad. Alhamdulillah, kakak and I are quite free to stay at the hospital to wait for bapa. Kakak is lucky to have such an understanding husband. She is lucky too as her children are in their 20s.
- On Monday, kakak called me and asked me to come a bit earlier. When I came, she looked so gloom. With tears on her eyes, she told me that the doctor asked us to bring bapa back. There is little thing can be done for him in the hospital. I know what it means. We started to make plans. We have to find the suppliers that can supply things like the hospital has. From bed to the urine bag. Both of us felt so loss. I decided to call Abg Halim. He needs to know about it. I called Kak Zap when I couldn't reach him. I know he is busy so I don't want to disturb him. Managed to get in touch with Kak Zap and she promised to let Abg Halim knows about bapa.
- On Tuesday, Kak Zap called. I just couldn't control myself. I cried. I told her that we (kakak and I) need Abg Halim to help us to decide certain things. Apparently, Abg Halim sat beside her. May be he heard me crying so he told me that he will go back to JB ASAP. He arrived at the hospital at noon. I am so relieved to see him. I asked him to see kakak to discuss the things we should do for bapa.
- Kak Ila advised me to cut bapa's nails. I know what she means. I bought a manicure set and I cut his nails. I also did a pedicure for him. I massaged his legs, hands and body. I don't know if he can feel anything. I also don't know if what I am doing give any pain to him. I did the best I could as perhaps one of the last things I can do for him while he is still alive.
- I saw that his condition is worsening on Friday. There are few times when he completely stopped breathing. I was so panic. Every time it happened, I will massage his chest. Then he will cough. Seeing him coughing, give me a sense of relief! Kakak and I will always change any information about bapa. A slight change in his breathing pattern, change of color on his feet or hands, his reflect action.... we will tell and both of us know that he might go any time. Kakak said to me, she wondered, is it my time (turn to wait him) or her time that bapa will go. I told her, if it is during my turn, I redha and hope that I am not alone. At that time, it is agonizing to leave him even for a few minutes to pray. I have planned to pray beside his bed. I know it is weird since the surau is not that far but I don't want to leave him even for a second. I know it is a bit obsessive of me. In the end, I prayed during the visiting hours when there is Abg Midi or kakak were around.
- Abg Midi came back on Thursday. He dreamed something about bapa. He rushed back from KL leaving his heavily pregnant wife and son. He planned to go back on Monday. He changed his plan and went back to KL on Saturday night after iftar instead. Little that we know, bapa passed away on Sunday morning before subuh.
- As if he knew that Ramadhan is coming, he toughed it out and held on until Ramadhan. He was a fighter.
- His siblings (same mom and dad) managed to see him while he is still alive. Pak Cik Karim came all away from KL upon hearing that he is admitted to the hospital and never fail asked kakak his daily progress. Pak Cik Sam also came. It is heartbreaking to hear what Pak Cik Sam said to bapa. Bapa was the one responsible to register him to an English school. For that, Pak Cik Sam said that he is forever grateful with what bapa has done for him. Pak Cik Diman also came from Kedah. Only bapa's older sisters didn't came. Both of them are not in a good condition themselves.
- Since bapa passed away, I slept with mak to accompany her. It really breaks my heart every time she cried in her sleep. Sometimes, she will mumble something in her sleep. I don't know what to do and what can I do to help her to undergo this phase.
- This raya is different. Went to masjid to solat raya and went to visit bapa after that. Some said that to visit the cemetary during hari raya can be a bid'ah. My stand is since my dad is there, going there is like a normal visit that people do during hari raya.
- I am going back to UK on 4 October. Since the day I went back last August, I didn't touch my work at all. I have a difficulty to focus. I know that I have to control my emotion and be strong no matter what. It is easy said than done. It is just a phase. I will go through it successfully.
- I heard that bapa's condition is deteriorating on 7 August. Less than a week after I went back from a trip to Europe. I immediately booked a ticket back to Malaysia on 10 August and off I went back to Malaysia.
- On 11 August, after a flight delay in Dubai and penalty that I have to pay to MAS for the flight that I missed (due to the delay in Dubai), I safely arrived in JB late night. Went straight to HSI (Hospital Sultan Ismail) to see bapa. I was so shocked to see his condition. With tubes all over his frail body, I just couldn't believe to see him in that way. I broke down but I promised kakak that I would not cry again like that.
- Although kakak tried to hide some of the things from me, deep inside my heart, I know that his days are numbered. I just had the feeling.
- I started to take turn to wait him at HSI on Friday. I am so nervous. What if I mistakenly do something to make thing worst? Bapa had to be fed using tube and kakak asked me to ask the nurse to teach me how to feed him using the tube. I fed him using the tube with the assistance of a trainee nurse. It was a success. It is not that difficult.
- Bapa opened his eyes for a while that day (Friday). I put my face close to his face and asked him if he knew me. He mumbled something. He's responded. Alhamdulillah. I don't care much if he still remembered me or not as I have accepted the fact that he's no longer recognize me a long time ago.
- An Indian patient died on Saturday. It is so sad to see him passed away without anyone noticing it. Not even the nurse. His bed is in front of Bapa's bed. I saw that he is sleeping yet I wonder why his eyes are opened. I thought that perhaps he used to fall asleep with his eyes open. I also noticed that a machine was beeping continuously. I don't know what does it mean if it is beeping. If I alerted the nurse or a doctor, does it make any difference?
- At the time, while nurses and doctors tried to save the Indian uncle, Bapa was grimacing and groaning, as if he knew what's happening to his neighbour. I put my face close to his and muttering Allah to his left ear until he's asleep.
- On Sunday, there is a new patient admitted. From my limited knowledge of medicine, it seems that he is having a stroke. His sons and daughter were there. Two of them left and only one stayed to wait for him. Two doctors came. Trainee doctors. From a far, I notice that the uncle couldn't move his right hand and leg. Then I noticed that he's having a difficulty in speech. Only then I realised that he has a stroke, indeed. This uncle passed away on Wednesday. It broke my heart to see siblings quarreling in front of their dad to argue about who wants to stay at the hospital to wait from their dad. Alhamdulillah, kakak and I are quite free to stay at the hospital to wait for bapa. Kakak is lucky to have such an understanding husband. She is lucky too as her children are in their 20s.
- On Monday, kakak called me and asked me to come a bit earlier. When I came, she looked so gloom. With tears on her eyes, she told me that the doctor asked us to bring bapa back. There is little thing can be done for him in the hospital. I know what it means. We started to make plans. We have to find the suppliers that can supply things like the hospital has. From bed to the urine bag. Both of us felt so loss. I decided to call Abg Halim. He needs to know about it. I called Kak Zap when I couldn't reach him. I know he is busy so I don't want to disturb him. Managed to get in touch with Kak Zap and she promised to let Abg Halim knows about bapa.
- On Tuesday, Kak Zap called. I just couldn't control myself. I cried. I told her that we (kakak and I) need Abg Halim to help us to decide certain things. Apparently, Abg Halim sat beside her. May be he heard me crying so he told me that he will go back to JB ASAP. He arrived at the hospital at noon. I am so relieved to see him. I asked him to see kakak to discuss the things we should do for bapa.
- Kak Ila advised me to cut bapa's nails. I know what she means. I bought a manicure set and I cut his nails. I also did a pedicure for him. I massaged his legs, hands and body. I don't know if he can feel anything. I also don't know if what I am doing give any pain to him. I did the best I could as perhaps one of the last things I can do for him while he is still alive.
- I saw that his condition is worsening on Friday. There are few times when he completely stopped breathing. I was so panic. Every time it happened, I will massage his chest. Then he will cough. Seeing him coughing, give me a sense of relief! Kakak and I will always change any information about bapa. A slight change in his breathing pattern, change of color on his feet or hands, his reflect action.... we will tell and both of us know that he might go any time. Kakak said to me, she wondered, is it my time (turn to wait him) or her time that bapa will go. I told her, if it is during my turn, I redha and hope that I am not alone. At that time, it is agonizing to leave him even for a few minutes to pray. I have planned to pray beside his bed. I know it is weird since the surau is not that far but I don't want to leave him even for a second. I know it is a bit obsessive of me. In the end, I prayed during the visiting hours when there is Abg Midi or kakak were around.
- Abg Midi came back on Thursday. He dreamed something about bapa. He rushed back from KL leaving his heavily pregnant wife and son. He planned to go back on Monday. He changed his plan and went back to KL on Saturday night after iftar instead. Little that we know, bapa passed away on Sunday morning before subuh.
- As if he knew that Ramadhan is coming, he toughed it out and held on until Ramadhan. He was a fighter.
- His siblings (same mom and dad) managed to see him while he is still alive. Pak Cik Karim came all away from KL upon hearing that he is admitted to the hospital and never fail asked kakak his daily progress. Pak Cik Sam also came. It is heartbreaking to hear what Pak Cik Sam said to bapa. Bapa was the one responsible to register him to an English school. For that, Pak Cik Sam said that he is forever grateful with what bapa has done for him. Pak Cik Diman also came from Kedah. Only bapa's older sisters didn't came. Both of them are not in a good condition themselves.
- Since bapa passed away, I slept with mak to accompany her. It really breaks my heart every time she cried in her sleep. Sometimes, she will mumble something in her sleep. I don't know what to do and what can I do to help her to undergo this phase.
- This raya is different. Went to masjid to solat raya and went to visit bapa after that. Some said that to visit the cemetary during hari raya can be a bid'ah. My stand is since my dad is there, going there is like a normal visit that people do during hari raya.
- I am going back to UK on 4 October. Since the day I went back last August, I didn't touch my work at all. I have a difficulty to focus. I know that I have to control my emotion and be strong no matter what. It is easy said than done. It is just a phase. I will go through it successfully.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Nisfu Sya'ban
Three years ago, my grandma passed away on this day. Yup, it was the 15th of Sya'ban. At that time, I was staying with Mak Hai (she took care of Nyayi) and I saw her everyday without fail before and after I came back from work. I still remember vividly that her diapers have finished and Bibik told me about it. (Bibik is a nice lady and she never demands anything from me especially). I bought her diapers at JJ three days before she left us. The diapers? My aunt gave the leftover to Kakak (for bapa).
When I saw Kakak's message, my mind just cannot be helped from not going back to the fateful day, three years ago. I heard the news when I was in Ulu Sepri. Since I didn't drive there myself, I can't go back to JB immediately. In fact, I stayed throughout the whole programs (BTN). I feel sad. Yet, at that time, I redha with what has happened and with the fact that I can't see her for the last time. The last time I saw her was on Wednesday (the day before she passed away). She was buried on Friday.
When I heard the news from Kakak, I am asking myself, will I be as strong as I was when receiving the news? This time around, it is about bapa. Will I be strong? Kak N***** and Kak A** in Bristol suggested that I should go back. I don't know. I want to go back. But, I remember what my mom told me last June when she sent me off at the airport. No matter what happened, I have to be strong and finish my study here. I know it will break my mom's heart to see me worrying. I always put a strong face in front of her. I want her to depend on me. As a person who she can depend on, I cannot show that I am weak. I am strong, so she can depend on me. She always confide in me about many things. I make it a point to bring her out even for a while when I was in Malaysia. The thing is, since bapa's condition is deteriorating, she feels that it is not right for her to go out and have time of her own. She always thinks about bapa's needs first over her own needs. That's why when I brought her to make a new glasses, she is so happy. I intend to bring her to eat out too but she refused. Telling me that she has left bapa for a quite long time. Yup, 2-3 hours seems very long to her. Even though at that time Kakak was at home, she feels guilty to leave bapa with Kakak.
I feel guilty to be here in UK. I know I have to study and whatnot yet being far away from them really "challenge" me in many different ways. Ya Allah, keredhaanMu aku pohon dan berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi cabaranMu. Tetapkanlah Imanku dan matikanlah aku dalam ketaatan kepadaMu, Ya Allah. Amin.
When I saw Kakak's message, my mind just cannot be helped from not going back to the fateful day, three years ago. I heard the news when I was in Ulu Sepri. Since I didn't drive there myself, I can't go back to JB immediately. In fact, I stayed throughout the whole programs (BTN). I feel sad. Yet, at that time, I redha with what has happened and with the fact that I can't see her for the last time. The last time I saw her was on Wednesday (the day before she passed away). She was buried on Friday.
When I heard the news from Kakak, I am asking myself, will I be as strong as I was when receiving the news? This time around, it is about bapa. Will I be strong? Kak N***** and Kak A** in Bristol suggested that I should go back. I don't know. I want to go back. But, I remember what my mom told me last June when she sent me off at the airport. No matter what happened, I have to be strong and finish my study here. I know it will break my mom's heart to see me worrying. I always put a strong face in front of her. I want her to depend on me. As a person who she can depend on, I cannot show that I am weak. I am strong, so she can depend on me. She always confide in me about many things. I make it a point to bring her out even for a while when I was in Malaysia. The thing is, since bapa's condition is deteriorating, she feels that it is not right for her to go out and have time of her own. She always thinks about bapa's needs first over her own needs. That's why when I brought her to make a new glasses, she is so happy. I intend to bring her to eat out too but she refused. Telling me that she has left bapa for a quite long time. Yup, 2-3 hours seems very long to her. Even though at that time Kakak was at home, she feels guilty to leave bapa with Kakak.
I feel guilty to be here in UK. I know I have to study and whatnot yet being far away from them really "challenge" me in many different ways. Ya Allah, keredhaanMu aku pohon dan berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi cabaranMu. Tetapkanlah Imanku dan matikanlah aku dalam ketaatan kepadaMu, Ya Allah. Amin.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tersentap sekejap
Checked my YM msg and found this msg from my sister.
Kakak (03/08/2009 15:45:57): just to say bapak dah tak selera nak makan
Kakak (03/08/2009 15:46:16): dan banyak tak gerak2 dah
I haven't checked my emails and whatnot for more than two weeks. Been a trip to Europe. I had planned it last year and to cancel things at the last minute seems not a wise move. So, I had it a go and off I went to Europe. I sent postcards from Europe to my family and I had this weird feelings that I can't ignore. My instinct is right all along. Bapa's condition is deteriorating.
Crying won't solve anything. I could act recklessly if I want. Rushing to buy the ticket back home. It is a choice. Will I do it?
This is hard. Harder than I thought. Will I be able to face it? Ya Allah, berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapinya bila sampai waktunya. Amin
Kakak (03/08/2009 15:45:57): just to say bapak dah tak selera nak makan
Kakak (03/08/2009 15:46:16): dan banyak tak gerak2 dah
I haven't checked my emails and whatnot for more than two weeks. Been a trip to Europe. I had planned it last year and to cancel things at the last minute seems not a wise move. So, I had it a go and off I went to Europe. I sent postcards from Europe to my family and I had this weird feelings that I can't ignore. My instinct is right all along. Bapa's condition is deteriorating.
Crying won't solve anything. I could act recklessly if I want. Rushing to buy the ticket back home. It is a choice. Will I do it?
This is hard. Harder than I thought. Will I be able to face it? Ya Allah, berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapinya bila sampai waktunya. Amin
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