Went to Glasgow to present paper... 1st paper... went very well.... met people who provide valuable support and information... after all, even though PhD is a solitary journey, sharing and exchanging information with others in the same journey comforts me ... actually, we find comfort in each other company.... Alhamdulillah
It is one of my wishes to meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail..... then who ever thought that Allah Grants my wish!!!! When I asked Bonda about the person who is going to give the first talk... she just passed me a piece of paper, contained lists of presenters...... when I saw his name..... I guess my heart stop to beat for a second!!! Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail? Ya Allah.... I am one of his blog silent readers..... Meeting him, his wife and two kids.... was priceless...
He talked about things that I take for granted.... Life is full with ketentuan and aturan (pre-destined) Allah..... how ever thought that I will have the courage to send the abstract to MGDC... at that time, I was "clueless"... and emotionally unstable due to the grief and bereavement phase that was still prevalent ... at that time...
As I am writing this, I am feeling mush better,...... reciting surah Yassin everyday comforts me... I am looking forward to read it after Maghrib prayer because it is like having a special date ..... can't wait to "re-connect" with my dad through reciting surah Yassin... mentioning his name and my grandparents..... really gives me sense of belonging.... I am after all his daughter.... their granddaughter.... even though, I never met Nyayi Saemah (she passed away when my dad was 8).... yet, I feel the feeling of connectedness when I recite surah Yassin for them....
I don't know if I inherit any of their physical features.... I was told that Nyayi Saemah is a real beauty and same with Nyayi ... both of them were a beauty.... to marry a guy who has nothing (materially) except he was known for his charity and knowledge, it must takes her a real courage to trust her dad's judgment (for Nyayi Saemah).... and for Nyayi, to marry a guy who was older than her by nearly 20 years.... must freak her out... yet due to his good characters that melt her heart, I guess.... every time Mak re-told the story of her dad.... I can sense that she's really adore him... I don't know if I can re-tell similar story about my dad to my kids in the future... bapa was kind in his own way.... just it is kind of hard for him to accept the fact that his children really thrive in their studies and to be educated really freaked him out... even though, none of us are arrogant with what we know due to the education that we have... yet, I can sense that he was not comfortable with us... thus, the clash of understanding... but being him, he would show that he'd really proud of us behind our back....
Who ever thought that I will be born has his daughter? All of these are ketentuan and aturan Allah...
Had a chat with my friend, Wiwi.... she said that she feels inferior when people start to compare their academic achievement with her.... gosh!!! I told her that we cannot feel inferior and at the same time feel superior... rather.... we should feel grateful.... Alhamdulillah.. Allah Blesses us with this kind of life.... to be a Muslim is a blessing in itself... and it is our responsibility to maintain our life as Muslim and be grateful with His Blessing.... it is an amanah to be a Muslim.... Alhamdulillah.... Allah Grants us the bestest for us... even though, we might not know why Allah Grants us... it is pointless to ask why... rather be grateful... Alhamdulillah....
Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail did mentioned about his own experience.... kind of humbling that he came to UK.... to share with us .... it gives me a motivation... PhD is just a phase..... A humbling experience to endure all the challenges while doing this so called PhD... not all are given the chance to be tested this way.... Alhamdulillah
*************************************************************************************
While I am in Glasgow, people suggested that I should go to Bonnypack.... what is that?.... so kind of asking around the Glasgow people about it... F**** went with me ... oh my.... I ended up buying few more stuff... the usual stuff.... I would rather say... no details needed if you know me.... my fetish.... *sigh*.....
Alhamdulillah.... I got the chance... not only to present, meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail... but also to shop at Bonnypack...
As a result, Alhamdulillah... got severe cough when I am back to Durham.... sleepless night?... u bet!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
It has been a while
What have I done? It was snowing heavily for few days which turned into weeks. Kind of morose (did I?). Well, started go to school back even though it is slippery and wet.
Going to Glasgow on 18 Jan. Just want to have a break and present something. Talking about presentation, it has been a while since the last time I present something. Yup. Kind of nervous, anxious.... I will do fine and will enjoy the moment while I can.
Been thinking a lot what will happen in few months. Will I be able to achieve my target? I know that it is still uncertain. I will do the best. The very best. The bestest.
I want to finish thing ASAP. Seems that it's been too long.
Called Mak yesterday. She sounds better. They changed her medication. She is really looking forward to go to KL via Air Asia with kakak for Sabrina's wedding reception (Azim's side). When she told me that my call can make her day, I promise to myself that I will call her as often as I could. In fact, I will call her every week. Or twice a month if I am super duper busy.
Alhamdulillah, it seems that she is getting better when it comes to dealing the loss. I know it is hard for her when it happened. I was affected by it too. It is something that I have to learn.
Life is a process. Yes, indeed.
We decide. We reflect. We choose.
Sometimes, things just happen. Whatever it it, we have to face it and be responsible toward every single action that we do. Kind of simple to say it. To do it, always another different story.
Alhamdulillah. Allah Gives me opportunity to do many things that I could never even imagine 5 years ago. Even though it is hard, I pray that I will pass this phase successfully. I pray hard that I will.
Going to Glasgow on 18 Jan. Just want to have a break and present something. Talking about presentation, it has been a while since the last time I present something. Yup. Kind of nervous, anxious.... I will do fine and will enjoy the moment while I can.
Been thinking a lot what will happen in few months. Will I be able to achieve my target? I know that it is still uncertain. I will do the best. The very best. The bestest.
I want to finish thing ASAP. Seems that it's been too long.
Called Mak yesterday. She sounds better. They changed her medication. She is really looking forward to go to KL via Air Asia with kakak for Sabrina's wedding reception (Azim's side). When she told me that my call can make her day, I promise to myself that I will call her as often as I could. In fact, I will call her every week. Or twice a month if I am super duper busy.
Alhamdulillah, it seems that she is getting better when it comes to dealing the loss. I know it is hard for her when it happened. I was affected by it too. It is something that I have to learn.
Life is a process. Yes, indeed.
We decide. We reflect. We choose.
Sometimes, things just happen. Whatever it it, we have to face it and be responsible toward every single action that we do. Kind of simple to say it. To do it, always another different story.
Alhamdulillah. Allah Gives me opportunity to do many things that I could never even imagine 5 years ago. Even though it is hard, I pray that I will pass this phase successfully. I pray hard that I will.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Something happened
It's term break. I haven't finished with the recoding. Went to NVIVO training on 16 and 17 Dec and I become more confused than ever! It is just matter of time before I get used to the software and I will be fine sooner than I ever imagine.
Then, something happened on 20 Dec and it is not my fault. Yet, people partially blame me because I am doing nothing (I don't know on a first place) and it seems that people (the jiran tetangga) see me as the ketua in this house. I am the oldest and doing a PhD (what's that supposed to mean?!!!)
To make thing short, I was slandered and things got worsen. What I can do is pray to Allah that He will show me whatever evil intentions that person has towards me. Alhamdulillah, even though she's slandering me behind my back, somehow I know about it.
I couldn't sleep for nearly 2 days and I had a headache and feeling light weight (this is not because I lose weight, just it is a feeling due to lack of sleep).
I made a decision, that she has to go. Move out from this house. This house is my sanctuary. I don't need a tensed atmosphere where I can't relax and always on my guard because I don't know what will she do next.
No discussion and negotiation is needed. That's final.
************************************************************************************
26 Dec. My niece, Sab got married. Called my mom and kakak a day before the wedding. My mom sounds happy. She has stopped taking the TB medication and she got her appetite back.
Kakak cried when she heard my voice. This is not the kakak I know all my life. She misses me. How she wish that I was there to help around.
I tried to do my work as fast I could. I will finish on time. I pray hard that I will finish on time.
When things happened like this, being slandered and all, I know that I have to be stronger no matter what. I have to be decisive. Even though, it is hard, I need to do this.
If not, I have to bear with Allah's wrath that I don't want to face on a first place.
To face with Allah's wrath or her wrath?
I am more fear of the former than the latter.
That's final. I pray that this is the best decision I make for this problem.
Then, something happened on 20 Dec and it is not my fault. Yet, people partially blame me because I am doing nothing (I don't know on a first place) and it seems that people (the jiran tetangga) see me as the ketua in this house. I am the oldest and doing a PhD (what's that supposed to mean?!!!)
To make thing short, I was slandered and things got worsen. What I can do is pray to Allah that He will show me whatever evil intentions that person has towards me. Alhamdulillah, even though she's slandering me behind my back, somehow I know about it.
I couldn't sleep for nearly 2 days and I had a headache and feeling light weight (this is not because I lose weight, just it is a feeling due to lack of sleep).
I made a decision, that she has to go. Move out from this house. This house is my sanctuary. I don't need a tensed atmosphere where I can't relax and always on my guard because I don't know what will she do next.
No discussion and negotiation is needed. That's final.
************************************************************************************
26 Dec. My niece, Sab got married. Called my mom and kakak a day before the wedding. My mom sounds happy. She has stopped taking the TB medication and she got her appetite back.
Kakak cried when she heard my voice. This is not the kakak I know all my life. She misses me. How she wish that I was there to help around.
I tried to do my work as fast I could. I will finish on time. I pray hard that I will finish on time.
When things happened like this, being slandered and all, I know that I have to be stronger no matter what. I have to be decisive. Even though, it is hard, I need to do this.
If not, I have to bear with Allah's wrath that I don't want to face on a first place.
To face with Allah's wrath or her wrath?
I am more fear of the former than the latter.
That's final. I pray that this is the best decision I make for this problem.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Progress
I don't know and can't tell if I am making any progress at all. After solat subuh, I decide not to go back to sleep. I have a look at others' thesis (yup, I "ciluk" 2 theses from school) and Abg L's thesis (draft). Looking at their theses, it gives me a sense that there is a longggggggggggggg wayyyyyyyyy to go for me to finish. Goose bump. Shiver for few seconds.
Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!
Plan for the week:
1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)
Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.
Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).
*************************************************************************************
Received an email from Kak Y**
How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.
This is what I replied:
When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.
Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....
Other than that, I am ok.
Thanks for asking
What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.
I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?
I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,
Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.
For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.
For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.
For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.
Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!
Plan for the week:
1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)
Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.
Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).
*************************************************************************************
Received an email from Kak Y**
How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.
This is what I replied:
When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.
Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....
Other than that, I am ok.
Thanks for asking
What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.
I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?
I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,
Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.
For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.
For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.
For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Raya Haji
I have a guest from Bristol this raya. Last raya, I had guests from Malaysia. How time flies! It's been a year already.
Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel
Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.
She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!
When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.
This is what I got from Yed.
So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.
WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.
Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.
Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel
Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.
She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!
When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.
This is what I got from Yed.
So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.
WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.
Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Chat with my eldest sis
Kakak: mak masih x lalu makan
Me: nurul dah mula lum kemas bilik mak
Kakak: it seems that penyakit ni on the rise
Kakak: hari ytu kat klinik ade budak 8 thn
Kakak: then ade budak 18 thn
Kakak: TB kelenjar pulak
Me: i c
Kakak: mak kena ni
Me: area apa?
Kakak: so symtoms like batuk x de
Kakak: mak ken paru2
Kakak: yg jelas nye paru2 lah
Me: i c
Kakak: besok kena pi klinik tiram
Me: then dia masih kurus mcm dulu la ek
Kakak: lg kurus
Me: cannot be
Kakak: dengan dia x lalu nak makan i x tahu nak buat ape
Me: masa i balik memang dia dah kurus
Kakak: kalu dia x ade selera makan dlm 2,3 hari ni may be kena pi hospitalised
Me: ok
Me: then nanti
Me: kena masuk ward tb tu ke
Me: yg dulu mak hai masuk tu
Me: ingat tak?
Me: u n i pi melawat dia
Kakak: masa tu dia kena TB ke?
Kakak: or paru2 berair
Me: not sure
Me: tapi kan masa tu
Me: ward dia kecik je
Me: dekat dengan ward bersalin yg lama yg kat belakang tu
Me: tak sampai lagi ward atas bukit tu
Kakak: dekat dengan asrama jururawat ke?
Me: rasanya la
Kakak: i belum lg cakap ngan mak
Kakak: kalu dia x lalu makan dia may be hospitalised
Kakak: i rasa lebih baik nurse or doctor yg cakap
Me: yeah
Me: better that way
Kakak: dgn ubat2 yg pahit gile tu you can easily give up
Me: ye la
Kakak: i dah beritahu you kan
Kakak: yg halim ade call mak
Me: bila?
Me: u ckp abg midi yg call
Me: last week
Kakak: then after midi lah
Kakak: this i specially ask halim to call mak
Kakak: ask her to try and eat
Kakak: coz she told halim everything pahit
Kakak: even her breath
Kakak: her pillows
Kakak: bed sheet
Kakak: so she ask mana nak lalu makan
Me: then
Me: kan i ada beli
Me: yg linen punya spray tu
Me: sembur sikit2 la
Me: kasi wangi ke apa
Me: then
Me: bed sheet bau pahit?
Me: dia je kot yg rasa mcm tu
Kakak: exactly
Me: then dah dapat air purifier?
Kakak: its all in the head
Kakak: dah
Me: berapa harga?
Kakak: RM2200
Kakak: 200
Kakak: sori
Me: tak mahal
Me: beli kat mana?
Me: JJ ek
Kakak: giant
Me: i c
Me: jenis yg mcm kipas ke
Me: atau yg mcm wap tu
Kakak: yes
Kakak: macam kipas
Me: i c
Kakak: pakai ioniser
Me: kecik la sikit dari abg halim punya ek?
Me: i c
Kakak: nak tau lg
Kakak: nak tau lg pasal ape mak cakap
Kakak: dia cakap ngan halim dia x bole makan
Kakak: x lalu sungguh
Kakak: then halim cakap kalu x makan bole mati
Kakak: mak cakap dia redha mati
Kakak: then halim cakap itu macam bunuh diri
Kakak: sbb tak ikhtiar
Me: napa mak putus harap mcm tu
Me: dia tak kesian ke dengan i ni
Kakak: mak macam man pun kena ikhtiar makan
Kakak: kita tak lah cakap dia putus harap
Kakak: thats why i ask halim to call
Kakak: sbb ngan halim dia dengar cakap
Kakak: ngan i dia nak marah je
Kakak: tapi i tak le cakap kalu dia x makan bole mati
Kakaki: i x sampai hati
Me: mak tak kesian ke kat i ni
Me: jgn la buat mcm tu
Me: nanti la i beli kad phone esok
Me: nanti i call mak
Kakak: i kat sini tengok penderitaan dia
After the chat, I was feeling down, like always. Was, so it means as I am writing this, I am feeling not that down as I know that I can't let my emotions go down the hill like that. I need to stay focused and be rational no matter what.
I bought the phonecard and called home. Told kakak about it first so that she can tell mak before I called mak. When I called home, mak sounds so frail. Hearing her frail voice really breaks my heart. I did cried but I control my voice so that I will sound less depressing myself. I have to show that I am ok here and thus, she does not need to worry about me.
Been preoccupied with the statistical analysis this week. Dealing with numbers and whatnot really wear me down. By the end of the day, I have little energy to think about my sadness or to imagine unnecessary things. Alhamdulillah, I am physically healthy. Cognitively? I am still aware about my sanity and insanity. Not aware of it is dangerous.
My best friend told me that it is good to have a good laugh once a while after we have done crying. It is to balance our emotion. Yeah right. Well, at this stage, what I can do is pray for the best, hope for the best and do the best I can for every single thing that I do. It is hard to balance all things but it is not impossible.
Tomorrow, it is a better day than today!
Me: nurul dah mula lum kemas bilik mak
Kakak: it seems that penyakit ni on the rise
Kakak: hari ytu kat klinik ade budak 8 thn
Kakak: then ade budak 18 thn
Kakak: TB kelenjar pulak
Me: i c
Kakak: mak kena ni
Me: area apa?
Kakak: so symtoms like batuk x de
Kakak: mak ken paru2
Kakak: yg jelas nye paru2 lah
Me: i c
Kakak: besok kena pi klinik tiram
Me: then dia masih kurus mcm dulu la ek
Kakak: lg kurus
Me: cannot be
Kakak: dengan dia x lalu nak makan i x tahu nak buat ape
Me: masa i balik memang dia dah kurus
Kakak: kalu dia x ade selera makan dlm 2,3 hari ni may be kena pi hospitalised
Me: ok
Me: then nanti
Me: kena masuk ward tb tu ke
Me: yg dulu mak hai masuk tu
Me: ingat tak?
Me: u n i pi melawat dia
Kakak: masa tu dia kena TB ke?
Kakak: or paru2 berair
Me: not sure
Me: tapi kan masa tu
Me: ward dia kecik je
Me: dekat dengan ward bersalin yg lama yg kat belakang tu
Me: tak sampai lagi ward atas bukit tu
Kakak: dekat dengan asrama jururawat ke?
Me: rasanya la
Kakak: i belum lg cakap ngan mak
Kakak: kalu dia x lalu makan dia may be hospitalised
Kakak: i rasa lebih baik nurse or doctor yg cakap
Me: yeah
Me: better that way
Kakak: dgn ubat2 yg pahit gile tu you can easily give up
Me: ye la
Kakak: i dah beritahu you kan
Kakak: yg halim ade call mak
Me: bila?
Me: u ckp abg midi yg call
Me: last week
Kakak: then after midi lah
Kakak: this i specially ask halim to call mak
Kakak: ask her to try and eat
Kakak: coz she told halim everything pahit
Kakak: even her breath
Kakak: her pillows
Kakak: bed sheet
Kakak: so she ask mana nak lalu makan
Me: then
Me: kan i ada beli
Me: yg linen punya spray tu
Me: sembur sikit2 la
Me: kasi wangi ke apa
Me: then
Me: bed sheet bau pahit?
Me: dia je kot yg rasa mcm tu
Kakak: exactly
Me: then dah dapat air purifier?
Kakak: its all in the head
Kakak: dah
Me: berapa harga?
Kakak: RM2200
Kakak: 200
Kakak: sori
Me: tak mahal
Me: beli kat mana?
Me: JJ ek
Kakak: giant
Me: i c
Me: jenis yg mcm kipas ke
Me: atau yg mcm wap tu
Kakak: yes
Kakak: macam kipas
Me: i c
Kakak: pakai ioniser
Me: kecik la sikit dari abg halim punya ek?
Me: i c
Kakak: nak tau lg
Kakak: nak tau lg pasal ape mak cakap
Kakak: dia cakap ngan halim dia x bole makan
Kakak: x lalu sungguh
Kakak: then halim cakap kalu x makan bole mati
Kakak: mak cakap dia redha mati
Kakak: then halim cakap itu macam bunuh diri
Kakak: sbb tak ikhtiar
Me: napa mak putus harap mcm tu
Me: dia tak kesian ke dengan i ni
Kakak: mak macam man pun kena ikhtiar makan
Kakak: kita tak lah cakap dia putus harap
Kakak: thats why i ask halim to call
Kakak: sbb ngan halim dia dengar cakap
Kakak: ngan i dia nak marah je
Kakak: tapi i tak le cakap kalu dia x makan bole mati
Kakaki: i x sampai hati
Me: mak tak kesian ke kat i ni
Me: jgn la buat mcm tu
Me: nanti la i beli kad phone esok
Me: nanti i call mak
Kakak: i kat sini tengok penderitaan dia
After the chat, I was feeling down, like always. Was, so it means as I am writing this, I am feeling not that down as I know that I can't let my emotions go down the hill like that. I need to stay focused and be rational no matter what.
I bought the phonecard and called home. Told kakak about it first so that she can tell mak before I called mak. When I called home, mak sounds so frail. Hearing her frail voice really breaks my heart. I did cried but I control my voice so that I will sound less depressing myself. I have to show that I am ok here and thus, she does not need to worry about me.
Been preoccupied with the statistical analysis this week. Dealing with numbers and whatnot really wear me down. By the end of the day, I have little energy to think about my sadness or to imagine unnecessary things. Alhamdulillah, I am physically healthy. Cognitively? I am still aware about my sanity and insanity. Not aware of it is dangerous.
My best friend told me that it is good to have a good laugh once a while after we have done crying. It is to balance our emotion. Yeah right. Well, at this stage, what I can do is pray for the best, hope for the best and do the best I can for every single thing that I do. It is hard to balance all things but it is not impossible.
Tomorrow, it is a better day than today!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thanks for making my day a better day ....
I know that I am not supposed to do this but anyway, I just did it. Think about it then what a heck! I have nothing to lose or gain... so I sent this to his FB inbox
Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....
All the best in your life....
Then before I know it, he replied...
Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!
WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!
Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....
All the best in your life....
Then before I know it, he replied...
Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!
WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!
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