Grief and bereavement ... phase 1

It has been nearly two months since the last time I wrote something here. Just a quick summary:

- I heard that bapa's condition is deteriorating on 7 August. Less than a week after I went back from a trip to Europe. I immediately booked a ticket back to Malaysia on 10 August and off I went back to Malaysia.

- On 11 August, after a flight delay in Dubai and penalty that I have to pay to MAS for the flight that I missed (due to the delay in Dubai), I safely arrived in JB late night. Went straight to HSI (Hospital Sultan Ismail) to see bapa. I was so shocked to see his condition. With tubes all over his frail body, I just couldn't believe to see him in that way. I broke down but I promised kakak that I would not cry again like that.

- Although kakak tried to hide some of the things from me, deep inside my heart, I know that his days are numbered. I just had the feeling.

- I started to take turn to wait him at HSI on Friday. I am so nervous. What if I mistakenly do something to make thing worst? Bapa had to be fed using tube and kakak asked me to ask the nurse to teach me how to feed him using the tube. I fed him using the tube with the assistance of a trainee nurse. It was a success. It is not that difficult.

- Bapa opened his eyes for a while that day (Friday). I put my face close to his face and asked him if he knew me. He mumbled something. He's responded. Alhamdulillah. I don't care much if he still remembered me or not as I have accepted the fact that he's no longer recognize me a long time ago.

- An Indian patient died on Saturday. It is so sad to see him passed away without anyone noticing it. Not even the nurse. His bed is in front of Bapa's bed. I saw that he is sleeping yet I wonder why his eyes are opened. I thought that perhaps he used to fall asleep with his eyes open. I also noticed that a machine was beeping continuously. I don't know what does it mean if it is beeping. If I alerted the nurse or a doctor, does it make any difference?

- At the time, while nurses and doctors tried to save the Indian uncle, Bapa was grimacing and groaning, as if he knew what's happening to his neighbour. I put my face close to his and muttering Allah to his left ear until he's asleep.

- On Sunday, there is a new patient admitted. From my limited knowledge of medicine, it seems that he is having a stroke. His sons and daughter were there. Two of them left and only one stayed to wait for him. Two doctors came. Trainee doctors. From a far, I notice that the uncle couldn't move his right hand and leg. Then I noticed that he's having a difficulty in speech. Only then I realised that he has a stroke, indeed. This uncle passed away on Wednesday. It broke my heart to see siblings quarreling in front of their dad to argue about who wants to stay at the hospital to wait from their dad. Alhamdulillah, kakak and I are quite free to stay at the hospital to wait for bapa. Kakak is lucky to have such an understanding husband. She is lucky too as her children are in their 20s.

- On Monday, kakak called me and asked me to come a bit earlier. When I came, she looked so gloom. With tears on her eyes, she told me that the doctor asked us to bring bapa back. There is little thing can be done for him in the hospital. I know what it means. We started to make plans. We have to find the suppliers that can supply things like the hospital has. From bed to the urine bag. Both of us felt so loss. I decided to call Abg Halim. He needs to know about it. I called Kak Zap when I couldn't reach him. I know he is busy so I don't want to disturb him. Managed to get in touch with Kak Zap and she promised to let Abg Halim knows about bapa.

- On Tuesday, Kak Zap called. I just couldn't control myself. I cried. I told her that we (kakak and I) need Abg Halim to help us to decide certain things. Apparently, Abg Halim sat beside her. May be he heard me crying so he told me that he will go back to JB ASAP. He arrived at the hospital at noon. I am so relieved to see him. I asked him to see kakak to discuss the things we should do for bapa.

- Kak Ila advised me to cut bapa's nails. I know what she means. I bought a manicure set and I cut his nails. I also did a pedicure for him. I massaged his legs, hands and body. I don't know if he can feel anything. I also don't know if what I am doing give any pain to him. I did the best I could as perhaps one of the last things I can do for him while he is still alive.

- I saw that his condition is worsening on Friday. There are few times when he completely stopped breathing. I was so panic. Every time it happened, I will massage his chest. Then he will cough. Seeing him coughing, give me a sense of relief! Kakak and I will always change any information about bapa. A slight change in his breathing pattern, change of color on his feet or hands, his reflect action.... we will tell and both of us know that he might go any time. Kakak said to me, she wondered, is it my time (turn to wait him) or her time that bapa will go. I told her, if it is during my turn, I redha and hope that I am not alone. At that time, it is agonizing to leave him even for a few minutes to pray. I have planned to pray beside his bed. I know it is weird since the surau is not that far but I don't want to leave him even for a second. I know it is a bit obsessive of me. In the end, I prayed during the visiting hours when there is Abg Midi or kakak were around.

- Abg Midi came back on Thursday. He dreamed something about bapa. He rushed back from KL leaving his heavily pregnant wife and son. He planned to go back on Monday. He changed his plan and went back to KL on Saturday night after iftar instead. Little that we know, bapa passed away on Sunday morning before subuh.

- As if he knew that Ramadhan is coming, he toughed it out and held on until Ramadhan. He was a fighter.

- His siblings (same mom and dad) managed to see him while he is still alive. Pak Cik Karim came all away from KL upon hearing that he is admitted to the hospital and never fail asked kakak his daily progress. Pak Cik Sam also came. It is heartbreaking to hear what Pak Cik Sam said to bapa. Bapa was the one responsible to register him to an English school. For that, Pak Cik Sam said that he is forever grateful with what bapa has done for him. Pak Cik Diman also came from Kedah. Only bapa's older sisters didn't came. Both of them are not in a good condition themselves.

- Since bapa passed away, I slept with mak to accompany her. It really breaks my heart every time she cried in her sleep. Sometimes, she will mumble something in her sleep. I don't know what to do and what can I do to help her to undergo this phase.

- This raya is different. Went to masjid to solat raya and went to visit bapa after that. Some said that to visit the cemetary during hari raya can be a bid'ah. My stand is since my dad is there, going there is like a normal visit that people do during hari raya.

- I am going back to UK on 4 October. Since the day I went back last August, I didn't touch my work at all. I have a difficulty to focus. I know that I have to control my emotion and be strong no matter what. It is easy said than done. It is just a phase. I will go through it successfully.