Something happened

It's term break. I haven't finished with the recoding. Went to NVIVO training on 16 and 17 Dec and I become more confused than ever! It is just matter of time before I get used to the software and I will be fine sooner than I ever imagine.

Then, something happened on 20 Dec and it is not my fault. Yet, people partially blame me because I am doing nothing (I don't know on a first place) and it seems that people (the jiran tetangga) see me as the ketua in this house. I am the oldest and doing a PhD (what's that supposed to mean?!!!)

To make thing short, I was slandered and things got worsen. What I can do is pray to Allah that He will show me whatever evil intentions that person has towards me. Alhamdulillah, even though she's slandering me behind my back, somehow I know about it.

I couldn't sleep for nearly 2 days and I had a headache and feeling light weight (this is not because I lose weight, just it is a feeling due to lack of sleep).

I made a decision, that she has to go. Move out from this house. This house is my sanctuary. I don't need a tensed atmosphere where I can't relax and always on my guard because I don't know what will she do next.

No discussion and negotiation is needed. That's final.

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26 Dec. My niece, Sab got married. Called my mom and kakak a day before the wedding. My mom sounds happy. She has stopped taking the TB medication and she got her appetite back.

Kakak cried when she heard my voice. This is not the kakak I know all my life. She misses me. How she wish that I was there to help around.

I tried to do my work as fast I could. I will finish on time. I pray hard that I will finish on time.

When things happened like this, being slandered and all, I know that I have to be stronger no matter what. I have to be decisive. Even though, it is hard, I need to do this.

If not, I have to bear with Allah's wrath that I don't want to face on a first place.

To face with Allah's wrath or her wrath?

I am more fear of the former than the latter.

That's final. I pray that this is the best decision I make for this problem.

Progress

I don't know and can't tell if I am making any progress at all. After solat subuh, I decide not to go back to sleep. I have a look at others' thesis (yup, I "ciluk" 2 theses from school) and Abg L's thesis (draft). Looking at their theses, it gives me a sense that there is a longggggggggggggg wayyyyyyyyy to go for me to finish. Goose bump. Shiver for few seconds.

Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!

Plan for the week:

1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)

Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.

Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).

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Received an email from Kak Y**

How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.

This is what I replied:

When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.

Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....

Other than that, I am ok.

Thanks for asking

What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.

I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?

I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,

Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.

For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.

For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.

For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.

Raya Haji

I have a guest from Bristol this raya. Last raya, I had guests from Malaysia. How time flies! It's been a year already.

Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel

Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.

She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!

When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.

This is what I got from Yed.

So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.

WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.

Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.

Chat with my eldest sis

Kakak: mak masih x lalu makan
Me: nurul dah mula lum kemas bilik mak
Kakak: it seems that penyakit ni on the rise
Kakak: hari ytu kat klinik ade budak 8 thn
Kakak: then ade budak 18 thn
Kakak: TB kelenjar pulak
Me: i c
Kakak: mak kena ni
Me: area apa?
Kakak: so symtoms like batuk x de
Kakak: mak ken paru2
Kakak: yg jelas nye paru2 lah
Me: i c
Kakak: besok kena pi klinik tiram
Me: then dia masih kurus mcm dulu la ek
Kakak: lg kurus
Me: cannot be
Kakak: dengan dia x lalu nak makan i x tahu nak buat ape
Me: masa i balik memang dia dah kurus
Kakak: kalu dia x ade selera makan dlm 2,3 hari ni may be kena pi hospitalised
Me: ok
Me: then nanti
Me: kena masuk ward tb tu ke
Me: yg dulu mak hai masuk tu
Me: ingat tak?
Me: u n i pi melawat dia
Kakak: masa tu dia kena TB ke?
Kakak: or paru2 berair
Me: not sure
Me: tapi kan masa tu
Me: ward dia kecik je
Me: dekat dengan ward bersalin yg lama yg kat belakang tu
Me: tak sampai lagi ward atas bukit tu
Kakak: dekat dengan asrama jururawat ke?
Me: rasanya la
Kakak: i belum lg cakap ngan mak
Kakak: kalu dia x lalu makan dia may be hospitalised
Kakak: i rasa lebih baik nurse or doctor yg cakap
Me: yeah
Me: better that way
Kakak: dgn ubat2 yg pahit gile tu you can easily give up
Me: ye la
Kakak: i dah beritahu you kan
Kakak: yg halim ade call mak
Me: bila?
Me: u ckp abg midi yg call
Me: last week
Kakak: then after midi lah
Kakak: this i specially ask halim to call mak
Kakak: ask her to try and eat
Kakak: coz she told halim everything pahit
Kakak: even her breath
Kakak: her pillows
Kakak: bed sheet
Kakak: so she ask mana nak lalu makan
Me: then
Me: kan i ada beli
Me: yg linen punya spray tu
Me: sembur sikit2 la
Me: kasi wangi ke apa
Me: then
Me: bed sheet bau pahit?
Me: dia je kot yg rasa mcm tu
Kakak: exactly
Me: then dah dapat air purifier?
Kakak: its all in the head
Kakak: dah
Me: berapa harga?
Kakak: RM2200
Kakak: 200
Kakak: sori
Me: tak mahal
Me: beli kat mana?
Me: JJ ek
Kakak: giant
Me: i c
Me: jenis yg mcm kipas ke
Me: atau yg mcm wap tu
Kakak: yes
Kakak: macam kipas
Me: i c
Kakak: pakai ioniser
Me: kecik la sikit dari abg halim punya ek?
Me: i c
Kakak: nak tau lg
Kakak: nak tau lg pasal ape mak cakap
Kakak: dia cakap ngan halim dia x bole makan
Kakak: x lalu sungguh
Kakak: then halim cakap kalu x makan bole mati
Kakak: mak cakap dia redha mati
Kakak: then halim cakap itu macam bunuh diri
Kakak: sbb tak ikhtiar
Me: napa mak putus harap mcm tu
Me: dia tak kesian ke dengan i ni
Kakak: mak macam man pun kena ikhtiar makan
Kakak: kita tak lah cakap dia putus harap
Kakak: thats why i ask halim to call
Kakak: sbb ngan halim dia dengar cakap
Kakak: ngan i dia nak marah je
Kakak: tapi i tak le cakap kalu dia x makan bole mati
Kakaki: i x sampai hati
Me: mak tak kesian ke kat i ni
Me: jgn la buat mcm tu
Me: nanti la i beli kad phone esok
Me: nanti i call mak
Kakak: i kat sini tengok penderitaan dia

After the chat, I was feeling down, like always. Was, so it means as I am writing this, I am feeling not that down as I know that I can't let my emotions go down the hill like that. I need to stay focused and be rational no matter what.

I bought the phonecard and called home. Told kakak about it first so that she can tell mak before I called mak. When I called home, mak sounds so frail. Hearing her frail voice really breaks my heart. I did cried but I control my voice so that I will sound less depressing myself. I have to show that I am ok here and thus, she does not need to worry about me.

Been preoccupied with the statistical analysis this week. Dealing with numbers and whatnot really wear me down. By the end of the day, I have little energy to think about my sadness or to imagine unnecessary things. Alhamdulillah, I am physically healthy. Cognitively? I am still aware about my sanity and insanity. Not aware of it is dangerous.

My best friend told me that it is good to have a good laugh once a while after we have done crying. It is to balance our emotion. Yeah right. Well, at this stage, what I can do is pray for the best, hope for the best and do the best I can for every single thing that I do. It is hard to balance all things but it is not impossible.

Tomorrow, it is a better day than today!

Thanks for making my day a better day ....

I know that I am not supposed to do this but anyway, I just did it. Think about it then what a heck! I have nothing to lose or gain... so I sent this to his FB inbox

Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....

All the best in your life....

Then before I know it, he replied...

Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!

WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!

MGDC ...

I am busy. No doubt about it. It seems that there are so many steps that I have to do with the qualitative analysis. Tedious work. Yet I have to do it painstakingly one by one with full TLC so that I will not miss a thing.

Basically these are the phases that I have to undergo for the thematic analysis. If the case is not that complex, with only a datum to deal with, it will not take me that long to analyze. Having more than 5 participants plus the written answers that I have to code, it will definitely take time. One thing at a time.

1. Familiarizing myself with the data (transcribing, reading, translating, re-reading, noting down initial ideas)

2. Generating initial codes.

3. Searching for the themes

4. Reviewing the themes

5. Defining and naming themes

6. Producing reports

I am still in the first phase. Going to the second phase slowly... bit by bit....

Meanwhile, I am diverting my attention from my data by writing a paper that I want to present in Glasgow in January next year. I told my SV previously that I want to present paper when I am in my 2nd year or 3rd year. When I have data to present. I never present any paper even at departmental level. Just had presented a poster thingy last year. It seems so long time ago. *sigh*

So, I am challenging myself to do something that I am not used to do. I know that it is not a big deal to present in a colloquium .... yet I want to give it a try. Haven't told my SV about it but I am going to do it anyway. I don't think my SV will disapprove it. As long as I am still doing my work, taking a break from writing to presenting paper should be okay.

I am also challenging myself to finish reading books that I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and adding up my knowledge to other things non related to my research. I have finished reading Oliver Sack's book, The island of the color-blind and cycad island and also another book by Howard Engel's book, The man who forgot how to read. Even though it is not that easy to understand such abnormal phenomena... yet I find that it is very humbling to realise that there are many things that I take for granted all these while. A simple task as reading or writing my own name and reading what I have wrote is so easy. Yet, if Allah takes the ability from me, I don't know how I will survive doing PhD without the ability to understand what I have written as I can only write, but not read. This is what happened to Howard when he has stroke and as a writer, it is frustrating when you can write down your thoughts but not able to understand what you have written. With Sack's book, I have read it long time ago. It is about color-blind people and how certain food can alter our genetic code that lead to such disorder. Yet, people who are color-blind and living with the whole population of color-blind might regard people who are not color-blind as peculiar. We are weird in the world of color-blind people. And vice versa.

It shows how societal values are important in determining what is valued and what is not valued. Most of the time, what we understand and how we understand the things around is based on that. In normal condition, people might retaliate the change societal values. It is as if we are losing our identity. As Yed used to say, to lose our identity, to challenge our way of thinking is frightening. Yet, if we don't do that, we will never change. To change means we are taking risk to lose something that we are comfortable with. Are we dare to do that?.....

Grief and bereavement ... phase 5

It has been a while since the last time I wrote something here. Been busy with "donkey work" (term invented by Kak N***** to describe the tedious work of transcribing and translating interviews). It is tedious. Wish could employ someone to do it. Been a little moody. Heck... I am always not in my best mood.

I don't know. I need space. All I need to overcome my grief is time and space. Space does not mean literally I need a bigger space. Just I need a "space", a little peace of mind... whereby I don't need people to ask me about my well being. Stop asking me the same thing again and again. Just watch me closely to know if I am okay or not.

If I am keeping things to myself, it could be due to many things unrelated to others. Just be open minded and not too judgmental. Just had a chat with Kak N***** and told her that I find myself very hard to express my feeling lately. It is not that I don't want to share my feeling with others but somehow, from experience I feel that I want to be selective this time.

Told her about my mom. It is really worrying. One thing after another. How am I going to face it? The only thing I can do now is pray that things will be better for my mom. I am far away from her. Even though her condition could be terminal without medication, I pray that she will be cured from that. If Mak Hai can be cured, she also can even though she is older than Mak Hai.

In this state of choleric melancholic, I will enjoy the moment. Enjoy the feeling of being hopeless.... as long as I am still aware of my well being ... I am okay...

Grief and bereavement ... phase 4

Today is Friday. I know that I am not supposed to do it yet I am doing it anyway. Yup, counting the days since bapa passed away. I know it is not healthy yet I am doing it anyway. I count the days to remind myself of him as well as how short life is.

My mind is pretty preoccupied with research. Although I am still doing the transcribing, yet when I got the book that I bought from Amazon yesterday, I haven't do any transcribing today. I am really got hooked up with this book. It is about thematic analysis of qualitative data. Kak N***** told me about it and I bought it last Monday. I got it yesterday. I told Zac about it and before I know it Nihra (who is down under in New Zealand) also got interested with the book within a day! The power of networking. I told Zac because she is also doing something about mixed method research. Thematic analysis is one of the ways to analyse qualitative data. There are other methods. I intend to use it because it suits with the type of data that I have.

The book was well written and as if the author is having a conversation with me aka the reader. Zac told me that the book is rather "old" and thus it could be obsolete. My justification is since Boyatzis is The Man in thematic analysis, it would be unfair to leave him out from any discussion about thematic analysis. Thematic analysis was developed from what psychologists used in their thematic apperception test (TAT). In this sense, it was developed to analyse research data rather than data from psychological therapy. David McClelland was The Man in the creation of TAT. I told Zac, it would be helpful if we know a wide array of methods that we can use for qualitative analysis, just in case we might be asked by the examiner during our viva later on.

Alhamdulillah, I have such friends to share such information. I am blessed that I found such people in this journey as this journey would be much harder had I not have them as my friends. We can talk, we can argue, we can "kutuk" each other without hurting each other feeling because even though we might have our differences yet we know that we will be there for each other without fail.

I wonder if trust is given or we earn it. We expect that people give their trust to us. We think that we might deserve to earn it. Yet, what make people trust or earn trust from others are based on subjective matter.

I trust people when they don't have anything to hide. They are true to their self. Most of the time, from my thematic analysis of people behavior, some people are so afraid to open up (even though they say that they are open minded and easy going type of people). They expect that other people to understand them whereby they themselves do not understand what they want or need on a first place. In short, they are having what we termed as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance can account for the psychological consequences of disconfirmed expectations. We have it most of the time. Just the most important is what we do with the cognitive dissonance that we experienced. Active and optimistic approach to overcome the cognitive dissonance are healthy for one's psychological state.

I am not talking about spirituality here because I believe spiritual health comes from spiritual activities or ibadah (and since every single act is an ibadah, our spiritual state is always at stake).

Coming back to the subject matter of trust, do I trust myself? Trust is different from confidence. I might feel confident about myself, my ability, yet do I trust myself? One might feel hurt due to the fact of not being trusted. My stand is I don't care much if people trust me or not. What matter most how I trust myself. People's trust are subjected on their preferences and perhaps social values that might be different from mine. So, it is something which is beyond my control. I can't control what people believe, don't I? I trust myself that I will be true to myself no matter what. Thus, I will be true to other people around me. If some of them feel that I am not true to them, it is their stand that I will respect. I don't need people to understand me. To understand myself is a challenge in itself that I have to struggle with. Thus, to understand others is another challenge that I should not care too much about it. After all, I have so many things to handle at the moment. Cheers!

Grief and bereavement ... phase 3.5

Saw Sab's graduation pictures (Sab is my niece, 2nd child of my eldest sis). How time flies! Then I saw my bro-in-law aka his abah wore a familiar batik shirt. It's one of my late dad's favorite batik shirt. The very one I bought for him when I started working at UTM. I still remembered the conversation that bapa had with Pak Cik Karim about his children when he wore the shirt during raya 2005. He complained to Pak Cik Karim that his children seldom bought him anything. Then, I pointed out to him and Pak Cik Karim, that the batik shirt , the pants and also the shoes that he's wearing at that time were bought by me. Then he smiled saying "Baru ni je dia belikan". Pak Cik Karim knowingly gleefully smiled. Yeah. He knows his elder brother well.

Seeing the shirt made me shed tears. I miss him. I miss to hear his complaint. I miss it when we had our argument about his dietary. I miss to hug him. I miss everything about him.

Thinking back, Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with the chance to see him alive for the very last time when I rushed back last August. To stay at the hospital with him was a priceless experience. I am quite surprise that I don't feel tired at that time even though I did lots of things ... rushing here and there. I am blessed too with the fact that I am still single. Had I were married at that time, with little tots on tow, it will be harder. Kakak was also blessed with such understanding hubby and the fact that her kids are above 20s. Ayang (her youngest child) is studying at UTM. 3rd year. How time flies! I still remember when she was in her 1st year. She does not want to be seen with me.

Like what Kak N***** said, at least I have done my part well. There are nothing to regret. Had I come back a bit later than I did, I might not be able to see him for the last time. Had I wait Kak Ani and family to come to Durham, I might not be able to take turn with kakak to accompany him at the hospital. I have nothing to regret. I am blessed that I have nothing to regret. Alhamdulillah.

Looking back, the timing was right. It's perfect. Alhamdulillah.

Even though A*** wasn't in Durham anymore when I came back to UK. I am glad that I had spent meaningful and wonderful time before I rushed back. I am glad that she was there to accompany me. I am lucky, indeed.

I am blessed to have wonderful people around me. Alhamdulillah, K** and S******* are here as my housemates. I am blessed that I am not staying alone.

Grief and bereavement ... phase 3

Had a good cry with Kak N***** over the phone. It was therapeutic. She made me realize many things that I overlook. Thanks for being there for me. I need this kind of people to help me go through this phase successfully.

I know that I can be aloof to some people who care about me after I lost my dad and have good intentions by asking me about him and my well being, but the thing is I don't wish to share with them about my feeling for many reasons. Being sympathetic is not what I need. I need someone who empathize. Empathic people are people who always be there for you no matter what. Little things count along the way. Sometime it is not about asking how I am doing matter most, but rather being there when I need them most without me asking.

Some people show that they care but in actual fact, they don't give it a damn about you. They say, they care, they show, they care but instinctively, deep inside you, you know otherwise. They don't care about you. All that they care is about themselves i.e. how they have to cope with you who might change emotionally after your loss.

Psychologically, when people deal with loss of someone in the family, more than 50% of that person will change. Sometime the changes are not that visible. Yet, that person is changed.

I know that there are certain things have changed after I lost my dad. My views on certain things definitely have underwent some transformation. Do I like the new me? Yes, I am.

Grief and bereavement ... phase 2

Here I am, back in UK after nearly two months in Malaysia. I tried not to cry in front of mak when she sent me off at the airport. Seeing her waving her hand as I entered the departure hall really breaks my heart. I didn't cry when I hugged her but seeing her hand from afar, I cried. I continued to cry even on the plane. To make it not too obvious, I put a handkerchief on my eyes and only then I cried. I guess the passenger seating beside me can notice that I am crying, but with his understanding look, I can guess that he can sense that I am sad. Thanks for not asking what makes me sad. It is comforting to know that he cares yet not asking too much about it.

The nearly 20 hours journey to UK really feels so long. I can't sleep like always, yet I don't have any mood to watch any movie or listen to any song on the plane.

Things inside my room are still as it is as I left it. Seeing bapa's pictures on the wall makes me cried again.

Abg Zul and Kak Ila fetched me from the airport with Nadia and his dad. I was in Nadia's car since Abg Zul's car is full. I can't help from not crying when they asked me about my dad. I am becoming such a cry baby these days! I said to myself and others that I am ok. The reality is, I am not THAT ok in a real sense. This is just a phase.

I went to visit him with mak and kakak on Friday, a day before I left. Did a tahlil led by kakak after we recited surah Yassin. Mak was still sad. It seems that every single things that we do are under her scrutiny. She is also very high strung. It is hard to understand what's going on her mind at most of her time. I pray that kakak will be strong and patient to take care of her. I can't wait to finish my study ASAP. I wish that I could stay longer to accompany her.

I am still having the jet lag. Arghh... it's already 1020am (UK time) and just 520pm (Malaysian time). Yet, I am feeling light headed..... I will continue this entry...

Grief and bereavement ... phase 1

It has been nearly two months since the last time I wrote something here. Just a quick summary:

- I heard that bapa's condition is deteriorating on 7 August. Less than a week after I went back from a trip to Europe. I immediately booked a ticket back to Malaysia on 10 August and off I went back to Malaysia.

- On 11 August, after a flight delay in Dubai and penalty that I have to pay to MAS for the flight that I missed (due to the delay in Dubai), I safely arrived in JB late night. Went straight to HSI (Hospital Sultan Ismail) to see bapa. I was so shocked to see his condition. With tubes all over his frail body, I just couldn't believe to see him in that way. I broke down but I promised kakak that I would not cry again like that.

- Although kakak tried to hide some of the things from me, deep inside my heart, I know that his days are numbered. I just had the feeling.

- I started to take turn to wait him at HSI on Friday. I am so nervous. What if I mistakenly do something to make thing worst? Bapa had to be fed using tube and kakak asked me to ask the nurse to teach me how to feed him using the tube. I fed him using the tube with the assistance of a trainee nurse. It was a success. It is not that difficult.

- Bapa opened his eyes for a while that day (Friday). I put my face close to his face and asked him if he knew me. He mumbled something. He's responded. Alhamdulillah. I don't care much if he still remembered me or not as I have accepted the fact that he's no longer recognize me a long time ago.

- An Indian patient died on Saturday. It is so sad to see him passed away without anyone noticing it. Not even the nurse. His bed is in front of Bapa's bed. I saw that he is sleeping yet I wonder why his eyes are opened. I thought that perhaps he used to fall asleep with his eyes open. I also noticed that a machine was beeping continuously. I don't know what does it mean if it is beeping. If I alerted the nurse or a doctor, does it make any difference?

- At the time, while nurses and doctors tried to save the Indian uncle, Bapa was grimacing and groaning, as if he knew what's happening to his neighbour. I put my face close to his and muttering Allah to his left ear until he's asleep.

- On Sunday, there is a new patient admitted. From my limited knowledge of medicine, it seems that he is having a stroke. His sons and daughter were there. Two of them left and only one stayed to wait for him. Two doctors came. Trainee doctors. From a far, I notice that the uncle couldn't move his right hand and leg. Then I noticed that he's having a difficulty in speech. Only then I realised that he has a stroke, indeed. This uncle passed away on Wednesday. It broke my heart to see siblings quarreling in front of their dad to argue about who wants to stay at the hospital to wait from their dad. Alhamdulillah, kakak and I are quite free to stay at the hospital to wait for bapa. Kakak is lucky to have such an understanding husband. She is lucky too as her children are in their 20s.

- On Monday, kakak called me and asked me to come a bit earlier. When I came, she looked so gloom. With tears on her eyes, she told me that the doctor asked us to bring bapa back. There is little thing can be done for him in the hospital. I know what it means. We started to make plans. We have to find the suppliers that can supply things like the hospital has. From bed to the urine bag. Both of us felt so loss. I decided to call Abg Halim. He needs to know about it. I called Kak Zap when I couldn't reach him. I know he is busy so I don't want to disturb him. Managed to get in touch with Kak Zap and she promised to let Abg Halim knows about bapa.

- On Tuesday, Kak Zap called. I just couldn't control myself. I cried. I told her that we (kakak and I) need Abg Halim to help us to decide certain things. Apparently, Abg Halim sat beside her. May be he heard me crying so he told me that he will go back to JB ASAP. He arrived at the hospital at noon. I am so relieved to see him. I asked him to see kakak to discuss the things we should do for bapa.

- Kak Ila advised me to cut bapa's nails. I know what she means. I bought a manicure set and I cut his nails. I also did a pedicure for him. I massaged his legs, hands and body. I don't know if he can feel anything. I also don't know if what I am doing give any pain to him. I did the best I could as perhaps one of the last things I can do for him while he is still alive.

- I saw that his condition is worsening on Friday. There are few times when he completely stopped breathing. I was so panic. Every time it happened, I will massage his chest. Then he will cough. Seeing him coughing, give me a sense of relief! Kakak and I will always change any information about bapa. A slight change in his breathing pattern, change of color on his feet or hands, his reflect action.... we will tell and both of us know that he might go any time. Kakak said to me, she wondered, is it my time (turn to wait him) or her time that bapa will go. I told her, if it is during my turn, I redha and hope that I am not alone. At that time, it is agonizing to leave him even for a few minutes to pray. I have planned to pray beside his bed. I know it is weird since the surau is not that far but I don't want to leave him even for a second. I know it is a bit obsessive of me. In the end, I prayed during the visiting hours when there is Abg Midi or kakak were around.

- Abg Midi came back on Thursday. He dreamed something about bapa. He rushed back from KL leaving his heavily pregnant wife and son. He planned to go back on Monday. He changed his plan and went back to KL on Saturday night after iftar instead. Little that we know, bapa passed away on Sunday morning before subuh.

- As if he knew that Ramadhan is coming, he toughed it out and held on until Ramadhan. He was a fighter.

- His siblings (same mom and dad) managed to see him while he is still alive. Pak Cik Karim came all away from KL upon hearing that he is admitted to the hospital and never fail asked kakak his daily progress. Pak Cik Sam also came. It is heartbreaking to hear what Pak Cik Sam said to bapa. Bapa was the one responsible to register him to an English school. For that, Pak Cik Sam said that he is forever grateful with what bapa has done for him. Pak Cik Diman also came from Kedah. Only bapa's older sisters didn't came. Both of them are not in a good condition themselves.

- Since bapa passed away, I slept with mak to accompany her. It really breaks my heart every time she cried in her sleep. Sometimes, she will mumble something in her sleep. I don't know what to do and what can I do to help her to undergo this phase.

- This raya is different. Went to masjid to solat raya and went to visit bapa after that. Some said that to visit the cemetary during hari raya can be a bid'ah. My stand is since my dad is there, going there is like a normal visit that people do during hari raya.

- I am going back to UK on 4 October. Since the day I went back last August, I didn't touch my work at all. I have a difficulty to focus. I know that I have to control my emotion and be strong no matter what. It is easy said than done. It is just a phase. I will go through it successfully.

Nisfu Sya'ban

Three years ago, my grandma passed away on this day. Yup, it was the 15th of Sya'ban. At that time, I was staying with Mak Hai (she took care of Nyayi) and I saw her everyday without fail before and after I came back from work. I still remember vividly that her diapers have finished and Bibik told me about it. (Bibik is a nice lady and she never demands anything from me especially). I bought her diapers at JJ three days before she left us. The diapers? My aunt gave the leftover to Kakak (for bapa).

When I saw Kakak's message, my mind just cannot be helped from not going back to the fateful day, three years ago. I heard the news when I was in Ulu Sepri. Since I didn't drive there myself, I can't go back to JB immediately. In fact, I stayed throughout the whole programs (BTN). I feel sad. Yet, at that time, I redha with what has happened and with the fact that I can't see her for the last time. The last time I saw her was on Wednesday (the day before she passed away). She was buried on Friday.

When I heard the news from Kakak, I am asking myself, will I be as strong as I was when receiving the news? This time around, it is about bapa. Will I be strong? Kak N***** and Kak A** in Bristol suggested that I should go back. I don't know. I want to go back. But, I remember what my mom told me last June when she sent me off at the airport. No matter what happened, I have to be strong and finish my study here. I know it will break my mom's heart to see me worrying. I always put a strong face in front of her. I want her to depend on me. As a person who she can depend on, I cannot show that I am weak. I am strong, so she can depend on me. She always confide in me about many things. I make it a point to bring her out even for a while when I was in Malaysia. The thing is, since bapa's condition is deteriorating, she feels that it is not right for her to go out and have time of her own. She always thinks about bapa's needs first over her own needs. That's why when I brought her to make a new glasses, she is so happy. I intend to bring her to eat out too but she refused. Telling me that she has left bapa for a quite long time. Yup, 2-3 hours seems very long to her. Even though at that time Kakak was at home, she feels guilty to leave bapa with Kakak.

I feel guilty to be here in UK. I know I have to study and whatnot yet being far away from them really "challenge" me in many different ways. Ya Allah, keredhaanMu aku pohon dan berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi cabaranMu. Tetapkanlah Imanku dan matikanlah aku dalam ketaatan kepadaMu, Ya Allah. Amin.

Tersentap sekejap

Checked my YM msg and found this msg from my sister.

Kakak (03/08/2009 15:45:57): just to say bapak dah tak selera nak makan
Kakak (03/08/2009 15:46:16): dan banyak tak gerak2 dah

I haven't checked my emails and whatnot for more than two weeks. Been a trip to Europe. I had planned it last year and to cancel things at the last minute seems not a wise move. So, I had it a go and off I went to Europe. I sent postcards from Europe to my family and I had this weird feelings that I can't ignore. My instinct is right all along. Bapa's condition is deteriorating.

Crying won't solve anything. I could act recklessly if I want. Rushing to buy the ticket back home. It is a choice. Will I do it?

This is hard. Harder than I thought. Will I be able to face it? Ya Allah, berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapinya bila sampai waktunya. Amin

Emotionally unbalanced...

Had a chat with my nephew today, then I found out something about my dad.

Nephew: asal appeared offline?
Me: saja, tak boleh ke. tgh buat transcribing...
Nephew: paktok kena jahit ari tu tau tak?
Me: WHAT???? jahit kat mana
Nephew: kt kepala la. tgh jln jatuh
Me: bila
Nephew: last week. paklim blk. mak ckp paktok menangis bile paklim nk balik. paklim baca quran, die duk kat kaki paktok. pastu paktok rase sedih la kot. paktok sedih sebab dpt dgr anak die baca quran. ari jumaat ari tu baru buka jaahit
Me: i c. jatuh kat mana. kat toilet ke? kepala dia kena bowl tandas tu ke
Nephew: tak tau la. tapi ambulan siap dtg
Me: dia pitam ke
Nephew: tersadung kot. mak ckp skrg ni tido bertiga dalam satu bilik. mak, maktok ngan paktok

I was transcribing when I chatted with my nephew. The incident? Nearly two weeks ago. The stitches have been removed last Friday. When things like this happened, when I heard about it way too long after everybody knew about it, really breaks my heart.

I am feeling numb. I am sad. What can I do about it? To let the fact to sink in? Not an easy job. Ya Allah, hanya padaMu sahaja aku menyerah dan memohon agak diberikan kekuatan untuk menghadapi cabaranMu ini

Virus oh virus ...

My lappie detected malicious virus when I was surfing the internet. I felt as if my heart stopped to beat for few seconds.... Alhamdulillah, it is nothing.

So, back to work of transcribing and no more surfing the net for today unless I finish my transcribing (2nd interview) today.

*I think I have some self-discipline issue lately...

Penjodohan suci..... LOL

Penjodohan suci. What can I say? Surprise? Shocked? Speechless?

LOL!!!

A****** asked me about the characteristics of my dream guy. Where is the list? DARN! The thing is, I don't have any sort of specific characteristics other than he must be a Muslim, practice what he knows religiously and has the effort to improve his understanding of Islam throughout his life, not abusive (physical, emotional and mental), love me, and knows his roles and responsibilities towards Islam and his family.

Physical characteristics? Well, I can't be demanding. After all, I am not good looking myself.

Intellectual aspect? He has a similar wavelength with me and not MCP.

I used to have other characteristics like he knows how to cook blah... blah... blah... well, now, I think that it does not matter much. What's the point of having me who can cook pretty well as a wife then? Ok. I know, it is a bit "perasan" kind of statement.

The thing is, I don't know what to expect from a guy. Really. As I don't want any of them to expect anything from me. Accept me as I am. That's the only thing I hope for now. Cheers!

Alone and lonely... errmmm it is a choice... really...

A*** and A****** went to town around noon. They wanted me to join them. A****** found me asleep or catch a nap before zuhr. This summer, I think I don't have enough "beauty" sleep. Stay up until 12am (roughly for Isya') and wake up again around 3am for subuh. I don't stay up until subuh. Why? I just can't hold my eyes. Tried it once when I have my jet lag. Now, my biological clock has switched to UK time. Even though I sleep after I pray subh, yet at 6am, without fail, my eyes will wide open. Arghh... I am such a morning person.

So, here I am. I am alone in the house. Do I feel lonely? Surprisingly, I don't. First, I am reading this book by Martin Seligman, entitled Learned Optimism. A good book! It is related to his theory of learned helplessness. So, my mind is pretty occupied with the theory and whatnot.

Secondly, I took a break from my reading to check my FB. Saw my old roommate posted a message for me. Replied her message. Told her about the book. She seems surprise when I told her that reading the book is the way I de-stress myself. Huh?... I am getting used of reading academic related books even when I am relaxing. Yikes!!! Yeah. To some people, they might say, "Get a life!". Well, I choose that this is the life that I want to live for the time being. Like Yed said, read books! I am doing it, Yed.

Thirdly, the state of being alone has nothing to do with a state of feeling lonely. I do feel that sometime I feel lonely even though there are people around me. A kind of weird, huh? My state of feeling lonely has nothing to do with physical contact that I have with people around me. Sometime physical state does not "tell" the whole story.

The end.

*************************************************************************************
Today, my niece got engaged. Last May, her bro got married. Alhamdulillah, I am blessed with a mom who does not ask anything about the current state of my love life. Errmm... thinking back, when I was in Malaysia, I am pretty busy going places and meeting all sorts of people while doing my data collection. I never think that I will meet someone special at that time. The thing is, I don't. (I know, some of you silent readers might say, "What a shame!).

Even though, some of my relatives passed some unkind remarks about me being single and having my nephew to get married before me and whatnot, yet I find myself being less "expressive". What do I reply? I just smile. Hey, what more can I say? "Belum jodoh lagi", "Tak ada jumpa lagi orang yang sesuai".... arghh.... that are typical answers. Do I have to use such taglines? I choose not to use it. So, I just smile.

Met my best friends couples of times while in KL. At one time, the big bro was in Malaysia. She asked me if I still have feeling towards her big bro. Huh? Do I? What do you call if the person has no feeling what so ever? Now, my feeling towards him is neutral. No liking. No hates. Nothing. Errm... psychologically, can we have such feeling? Neutral feeling?

Thinking back, when it comes to friendship, we have such feeling towards our friends. We don't like or dislike them. Just the feeling of care, love or hate is not there. Regardless the time we might spend together for a long period of time might still lead to this feeling. Surprising? Errm... well, again there is nothing to be surprised about. So what should we do about it? Well, it is a matter of choice. We choose not to have whatever feeling towards others. We choose ourselves to feel lonely or not. People might say that we can't control our feeling. Is that so? Errmm... well, if we say so, then it is. Again, this is a choice.

I remember this saying from my coach.

Hidup ini banyak pilihan
Setiap pilihan kita yang punya
Membuat pilihan ingatlah Tuhan
Setiap satu pulang padaNya

I am back ...

Have to take a break from transcribing. Hearing my own voice again and again is "killing" me. So here I am updating my blog.

Had a terrible jet lag. Had a spinning headache the last two days. Alhamdulillah, I no longer have that headache today and that's why I continue transcribing my interview.

Going back to UK this time around is not easy. In fact it is harder than when I first came here in 2007. Why? At that time, my dad is still healthy. He remembers me. Now, not only he's no longer remember me as his youngest child, he treats me like a stranger. I no longer can touch him like I used to. It's hard. When I want to go to the airport, I want to kiss his hand. He refused my hand. He does not want me to touch him. I want to cry but I held my tears from rolling because I don't want my mom to see me crying. It will make her sad, I am crumbling inside and it is hard to pretend.

Mak can sense something amiss. She asked me if I have salam bapa. I just told her that bapa does not want me to salam him. She tried to console me. I am beyond the consolable state. I kept quiet.

Before that I am quite pissed off when I can't find the scale that I use to weight my bag. My bro-in-law used it. I mumbled something and unconsciously uttered "Bodoh". I am referring to myself who are so "bodoh" to keep everything to the last minute. I should have packed my things a day earlier but I don't do that. The thing is, I have my last interview session that morning. Then I went to UO to buy batik shirt for Steve aka kekasih gelapku aka 2nd supervisor.

The thought of extending my study seems no longer a possible option. I can't be selfish. I have to finish my study on time. Meaning next year, around this time, I will already have my viva or will have my viva somewhere in July/August and not later than that. Can I do it? I know I can. If Yed knows about it, Yed will be d*** furious. After all, when I met him, he told me that I should explore the "world" other than what I am doing.

My niece, Sab is getting married end of this year. I don't know if I should go back for her wedding. The wedding will be held in December, around xmas break. I think it is ok since the school will be closed and my supervisors will be away for the holiday. Checked the airline fares. Ya Allah, it is beyond my budget. Wish that there is an alternative. I hope that there will be some promotion later on.

My sis told me that Sab said that if I am not around during her wedding, there will be no person to take her pictures. I feel sad when my sis told me that. I want to go back. I told my sister that if the ticket fare is cheap, I will definitely be back and since it is xmas holiday, it does not hurt if I take a break too. Just a quick break to go back. Strictly for the wedding. I know some people might say that I come back too often. "UK dengan Malaysia tu macam balik kampung KL ke JB je ek?"... Dread to hear that kind of statement. Urgh... I asked my sis-in-law for her opion. She said that family matters always come first. And pedulikan la apa orang nak cakap... after all, it is my money. yeah... I am using the scholarship. So their money, the taxpayers.

Again, it is an event that I don't want to miss. InshaAllah I will be back. After all, I will not be back this coming raya. I need to see my parents as often as I could. I think I can manage that.

*************************************************************************************

Justin aka the landlord will come today. I think I will extend the rent until next year. Even though it will only be me and K**, I guess we can afford the rent. InshaAllah. For that, I will make sure that I will have my viva before Sept 2010. I will finish my study on time. I don't have much choice here. Apparently. If not, the other option will be staying at the hostel. If that's the case, it will be hard. It is almost unthinkable. So, I will finish my study on time no matter what. Fullstop.

Insan yang aku panggil Mak

This is my mom. This picture is taken on my nephew wedding day. She looks fragile. She has this on-off fever starting from mid May. Yup, when we went to KL for the nikah, she was left with Bapa, my sister and her family (hubby and Hadif) and my brother who came back with his family from KL to accompany my parents. Mak is so used of having Kakak with her and thus, she overtaxing herself and thus fell sick. It worries me. Things like this clearly break my heart.

I tried to be strong and put a "macho" and strong face in front of her. I don't show her that I am crumbling inside. Ya Allah, I am going back to UK next Saturday. Seems that there are lots of things need to be done. Key in, transcribing... argh... and as well as interviews. Just couples more. Met with Kak D***** last Tuesday. She did her PhD using qualitative method and primarily her data based on interviews. She told me that actually, I can stop once the emerging themes have saturated. Like her, she only have 4 interviewees. She told me that there is no point of continuing the interviews since things are already saturated. Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah I realise this at this critical point. I don't want to sound like a pessimist. Unless I can get one person to be interviewed per day until next Friday, then I might get more than enough samples. I have interviewed 4. Another 2 will be interviewed next week.

Another challenge is, I haven't heard about my future MIL aka 1st supervisor. Is she alright? I am a kind of worried that she doesn't reply my email at all. Lately, I can't get accessed to DUO. Arghhh... I think I have to email her again using yahoomail.

Ops... why am I rambling about my future MIL? Back to my story about my mom.

I brought her to the optician. I need to change the glasses. Arghh.. penangan PhD. It is about time to have hers change too.

Of lately, I notice that she is not the way she used to be. She is so thin. She no longer sews. Her short-sightedness? She doesn't mention about it. Not even once. I saw her, one day, holding her kain batik. She traced the trims and tried to figure out the pattern with her fingers. Ya Allah, I am so "bodoh". I feel bad. How come I don't even aware about it? So, I brought her to go out on a pretext to go to JJ to take my pictures that I sent for print earlier. She seems happy. Alhamdulillah. I am blessed to have enough money to lavish her with things. She doesn't know that her glasses cost more than RM200. I am sad when she hesitated to try on the glasses (to chose the frame). What really breaks my heart is when she said that she didn't bring any money to pay for the glasses. I know that she does not want to burden me. She knows that I am a student now (she does not know that I still have my monthly salary even though I am on my study leave). I am sad when I know that her old glasses only cost RM150 whereby, here I am wearing glasses that cost almost three time than the price! She likes her new glasses. Now, I can hear her reciting the Qur'an after Maghrib.

"Dja, tak nak ajak bapa masuk ke? Ni dah maghrib." Mak called as I am typing this. Has to stop for a while. So, what's happened? Coxing my dad to go inside since it's already maghrib. He refused. I called my niece, N**** to help me to hold his other hand. I just can't imagine when some people accused us of not taking care of him well. They also have the nerve to accuse my mom as selfish since she does not sleep in the same room with my father anymore. The reason is, my dad will wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reasons. He will disturb my mom. In the end, my mom will suffer of not having enough sleep. So, as a result, they have different room. My dad's is special since it has a bathroom as well. It is for his convenience. To that people, I try my very best with what I have to make sure that I fulfill my duty as their daughter. The very best even though I am far from them.

My mom is getting frail. I can see that. She is no longer can follow our conversation well. I don't blame her. I just feel so sad that I can't do much to help her. Ya Allah, please give me the strength to face this challenge.

It sadden me with the fact that I will be in UK for another year and I will not come back until I finish my study. It is hard. I think that I will do like what Lutfi's did. I will save my money a bit and make it a point to go back next year if I extend my study to another semester.

Mak, I will do my very best not to extend my study even though I want it. If I do extend it, I will make sure that I will have my viva before June 2010 so that I will be back early 2011. About the convocation? I guess that I can always come back to UK just to attend it. It's not a burden at all. I pray that both of you are blessed with good health to see me wearing the crimson robe. Amin

Whoah... it's June....

It has been a while since the last time I wrote something in this blog. Lots of things have happened. To summarize, my nephew got married mid May and the kenduri on his side was held in end of May. In between, I was in UPSI again. Also, I was in UIA, again (this time around, I didn't managed to distribute to the intended students. They are doing their ROS now. What a luck!). I went to Maktab BP and managed to interview one student. Went to MPTI and got back the questionnaire. Interviewed my second participant last week. Set a date for another interview on Tuesday. Tomorrow will have an interview. In between, key in the data (frantically!!!). To amuse myself, fbooking and checking the emails. Replying emails only to selected people. Uploading pictures from my camera (from my nephew's wedding). Settle some family matters..... and before I know it, I only have another 17 days left before I go back to UK. There are so many things need to be settled.

With the interview, well, let's be realistic here. To set a date is another thing. Most of the time, I have to reschedule the session as requested by the interviewees. With the school holiday, it is hard to meet the teachers and set the dates. Have a chat with my seniors. They adviced me that the research I am doing is just a PhD. With limitations (time, monetary budget and whatnot), I have to be realistic. Darn! My supervisor aka MIL knows better. No wonder la when I met her last March, she seems to be surprised when I told her that I want to get 2000++ participants and 12 people to be interviewed. She suggested that perhaps I should do my best. Errr... I am so slow in understanding her hidden message. What does it mean that I should do my best? I am doing the very best right now. Frantically, calling here and there, flirting like mad, coxing people to be my participants in my interview. So far, I managed to get only one male participant. Just that I need to set and confirm again with him the date. I pray hard that he is ok and will not postpone or back off from my research.

I realise that now, to be a researcher, it is not easy. Especially when people belittle your ability, knowledge and your research (that is dear to you). It is a part of the challenges. I am in this journey. Even though there is an option of turning back, that is not the option that I opt for. I will fight and do whatever it takes to make sure, every tear and sweat are worthwhile and blessed by Allah.

What can I say...

This entry related to the previous one. In what way? Well, I thought that if we want to conduct a research in IPG, we just need an approval letter from JPN but well, in actual fact, we also need an approval letter from the BPG, Ministry of Education first (oh ya, just in case u guys are wondering what IPG is, it stands for "Institut Pendidikan Guru" or previously known as Maktab Perguruan and BPG stands for Bahagian Pendidikan Guru). So, I have another setback with one of the IPGs. Alhamdulillah, I know someone in the IPG who helps me to use her students as samples even though I don't have the approval letter yet (I think I will never get it since they requested me to give the letter from BPG that I don't have. If I want to get the letter from BPG, I have to go to Putrajaya again and meet the "WOMAN" in EPU. I had enough with her. So, this time around, I am taking the chance to break a rule)

Well, what I described above is just an ideal unclearly stated procedure. When I started my data collection, what's happened is a bit different from it. Different IPGs apparently have different ways of doing their things. An IPG in Kedah doesn't even ask me the letter from BPG. Same with the IPG in Batu Pahat that I went last week.

Come to think about it, I feel so small. I am just a human being! No matter whatever I do (according to procedure or not), in the end, it is Allah who will bless me with anything and everything that will happen or not. In my case, Alhamdulillah, even though I have to face layers of bureaucracy I still find some people who are willing to "break some rules"just to help me.

So, my stand now, do the best, dengan ikhlas, pray for the best and tawakal to Allah. If things happened not as we expect, Allah has better plan for us. I believe in that.

IPG oh IPG

I just realised that to conduct a research in IPG (if you don't work there like me), you need to get the permission from JPN first (this is after you got the approval from MoE). Ya Allah, so practically I can distribute my questionnaire to the IPGs in Johor only. Luckily, there are two IPGs in Johor yet to find someone to help you with the distribution is another thing.

What a challenge?! Anyway, I "screwed" up with the key in of my raw data. So, I have to redo it again. Alhamdulillah Allah Guides me with a little uncomfortable feeling. I double check the whole thing with my senior (who is willing to help me). There. I have to key in again and this time around, I have to create three separate files. One for the in service, one for the pre service and another one is the combination of in and pre service.

Alhamdulillah. I realise it now rather than later.

As for that, I gave myself a little treatment. Yup. It seems that I am suffering hair loss symptom and thus I cut my hair short. Very short. Either "beruban" or "botak", it seems that the tendency for me is more on the latter symptom of doing a PhD. I am only in my early 30s! Well, it seems that thinking too much makes my hormones go crazy!

Abg L***** advised me to take things slowly. Thinking takes time. So, now, I will stop doing what I am doing and start thinking. Ayyyy

Tax ... oh tax...

It seems ages since the last time I fill in the form. Yup... the Tax form. It is due end of this month.

I got the printed form but somehow I misplaced it and I have to resort to using the e-filing. I forgot about the password etc and thus I have to ask my cousin who happens to work in LHDN JB for the password. Yeah. Won't it be better if I can ask her to fill the form for me? Aiyoo.. dah kasi betis, mau peha pula.

So, here I am trying to fill in the e-form. Gosh, is it the server or is it the website? Government website. Like always, I wonder what the webmasters do. Don't they do anything at all to improve their server?

I am so lazy to go to LHDN to get another form. So, here I am still waiting to get myself to log in to the e-form. Errm... I think it is a peak hour or what? Gosh, the keciritan kebiritan symptom is here again! I can easily get a stomach upset when I am stressed. Aiyoo... isi borang LHDN pun boleh stress ke? No. It is not about the LHDN only. I found out that the students in IPG TI are around 200 +/-. Gosh! Alamak, what's this Borang Nyata Tersemak 108 aka e-R?.... Where is the normal form? Aiyoo... cannot choose pula tu! Sorry for the distration.

Coming back to the IPG students. What should I do about it? Ok. So far, I already got about 180 students from UPSI. Plus the nearly 200 or another 180 students from IPG TI, the total will be around 380+/-. I need around 1000. So I have distributed about 100 to IPG Melaka. I haven't distributed any to IPG Batu Pahat. If the total number of students from 4 institutions are around 800 (if the number of students are around 200 each), 4 x 200 = 800. So I need another institution more. Correct? Yeah. It seems like that. Gosh. I need to be specific in this sense. Back up plan. I think I have to resort to another back up plan.

LHDN website. Ya Allah, where is the form? I have waited for more than half and hour. Ke tidak cukup masa menunggu lagi? I should wait for more than an hour, like always. Hahahaha Like always. What can I say? Cheers!

It's Friday.....

Another Friday came by..... It has been a month since I arrived and started my data collection.

What have happened? Lots of things have happened actually. To summarize (a bit), settled things at Putrajaya with sweats and tears, distributed my QA and got it back (even though half of it, Alhamdulillah, at least some returned it after completed it), started to key in some of the QA (sikit-sikit lama-lama habis juga), met friends and old foes who are friendlier than before (Alhamdulillah, I am blessed with that), have the opportunity to drive a lot (travel a lot) and expand my driving experience, ... so many things have happened other than that... countless ... Alhamdulillah it helps me to enrich my experience - errr... research experience specifically. When I got the QA back with "that" return rate, I am not panic. Surprise? I am more surprise myself. This is not me. Where is the panicky girl who will panic and start to act "weird" and recklessly? Alhamdulillah. I have the opportunity to improve myself. Alhamdulillah.

A follower?.. Huh?

A bit busy with lots of things to do. Went to UPSI couples of days to distribute my questionnaire. Met some of the most treasured gems and germs (this is intended). Why do I call them that? Who are they? The former, they are true educationists. I don't dare to use the term to refer myself even! The way they speak about their research etc... I wish that I could be like them. The funny thing is, met someone who said that just in case there is no one interested with what I am doing now, this person asked me to come to UPSI. There are lots of things can be done from my research. Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah, I have the chance to meet those people. I don't think I will work in UPSI. I don't think that my current big boss will let me go that easy.

The latter? They know who they are and what make them fall into that category (if they have conscience at all). I pray that I will not be one. Meeting them is a blessing too. I learn many things from them. Indirectly.
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I haven't updated my blog lately and when I check my blog today, I found out that I have a blog follower. Aiyooo... Who's on earth interested in what I wrote? (my inner thought screaming inside). My first reaction is, I should find out who this person is. Do I know him/her? My second reaction, I should finish the letters that I am preparing right now. I have to send it to the principals tomorrow. Send? The right word would be "give" since I will give it personally to each of the principals tomorrow. Alamak! The small token? Shoot!!! I have to go to Taman U right now to place the order. Darn. I should do it couples of weeks ago. For that reason, I kill my curiosity to find out the identity of my blog follower there and then. That's all for now.

What an experience?!!

As I write this, my so called highly curious niece is sitting beside me. Errmm.... I don't know what's on her mind right now. Perhaps she is thinking how hip and cool her cute and forever young aunt is! She has a blog... Ayy... I am hip and cool. Isn't blogging and facbooking are the "In" thing right now?

I am back in Malaysia for my data collection. Alhamdulillah, I have distributed around 800 questionnaire to the teachers. I will start to distribute the questionnaire to pre service teachers next week. InshaAllah.

As I have expected, there is a little glitch that I have to face regarding the application to EPU. To think about it, what I can do is, just laugh and reflect that there is no such thing as a perfect plan. Always expect the worst. I know this is against the principle of the Law of Attraction. To think about it, life has its ups and downs. Not a bed of roses. At least, it is not at all time. I appreciate the experience. I am glad that I have to face it as a challenge. Next time, I know what to do and how to get things done.

Alhamdulillah, with the time that I have while waiting for the approval, I have the opportunity to meet my best friend and do other stuff.

With a thinking that I don't know what to expect, I embrace the challenges with optimism..... yup... I choose to be optimistic no matter what.... after all, it is just the otherness of history on my journey as an 'Abd.... Ayyyy

** Met my ex-supervisor. He seems delighted to see me. I visualise that my students will do the same as I did - to see and meet me after they have finished their studies. I was surprised that Yed still has the card that I gave him five years ago. The card has became yellowish but he still put it on his desk.

The day...

It seems like yesterday when I came back to UK after my pilot study. Here I am, going back again for the purpose of data gathering.

Had a little get together thing yesterday. Not in my best mood.

Something happened at school earlier yesterday. The very last minute, who ever thought that there are so many things that I have to get done (redone)! Plan to go back earlier. Had a last minute shopping. I realise that I didn't buy anything for my mom yet so bought her favorite talcum powder that she used to use when I was still young. At that time, the brand Yardley is the "In Thing".

Dropped by at Kak Zu's place. She is going back to Malaysia for good in April. So this might be the last time I see her and family in UK before I go back. Had a quick chat (since she is in a hurry to go to work) and I have to go back early too. There are couples of things that I need to settle before the guests come.

I haven't pray Asar yet. I was thinking and visualising that I will pray Asar first and cook additional dish, roast chicken wings. Humming softly Cliff's songs.

What a surprise! STOP! I expect too much perhaps. I guess this is the end of get together kind of things. I will miss that. If that's the case, I guess what I can do is, cook something and bring it over to other people's place. At least, I know that I can still doing something that I love, cooking.

I was thinking and wondering about the art of hosting. What does it mean? I guess I will save the question for the long hour flight.

PhD is challeging. Datelines, the wrath from supervisors, writer's block.... all in the exclusive package of doing a PhD. Again, does it mean that we are allowed to be less caring about other simple things?

I always imagine myself and telling myself again and again, doing a PhD gives me a rare opportunity to be a better organiser, planner and implementor. Life after all is not just a PhD. PhD is just a phase that will pass by. It challenges us in many ways. No doubt about it. What make us a PhD survivor? Other than, mental agility and ability, like gifted individuals, it is social harness and adjustability (will explain a bit about it at the bottom). Both are developed over time. It is strengthen when we have to face adversity and able to face it successfully. It is tough. No doubt about that. I know that I have to be strong no matter what.

* Based on various research, it was found that gifted individuals who are able to retain their supremacy of thinking and having healthy social life style are the ones who have social adjustability strategies that they used when they face challenges. So, being a true gifted, mental prowess is not enough.

A moment with my future MIL aka supervisor

Had a meeting with my supervisor at 2pm today. I printed out the things that I want to give her. While waiting for the meeting, read a book by Kvale. Gosh, I have to finish reading the whole book before going back to Malaysia. S****** came to the research room to have her lunch. Take a break from my reading and had my lunch too. It's kind of awkward to be in a same room with other people yet, not talking to each other. I need human interaction. So, stop my reading and had a little chat with her. About study and life in general. Then suddenly she said "You are a genius". Errr... what did I say? Did I say something smart? Err... what did I say just now? Looking at my confused face, she explains why she thinks that I am a genius. She said that I can easily figure out the head and tail of the things that she describes to me. Errr... so, does it mean I am a genius? Errr.... Well, to stop her from keep on saying that again and again (being Japanese she has this tendency to bow and at the same time praising me for being such a genius - whatever), I excused myself on a pretext that it's the time for me to see my supervisor. Off I went to Barbara's room. Alamak... it's locked. Is it at 2pm or at 3pm? I checked my diary again. Errmmm it is 2pm. Ok. Let's wait couples of minutes.

While humming Cliff Richard's songs in my head, I heard her footsteps. I stood up (I was seating on the floor while waiting for her - nasib baik ada karpet tak ada sejuk my a**).

With a cheerful Hi and a smile, went inside her room. Gave her the things I printed out etc. She gave me Jim's review on my presentation last week. WOW! Every single page in the report is written with something. I laughed. Barbara looked puzzle. Giler ke apa minah melayu ni ketawa? She asked me, why are you laughing? I told her that I don't know what to expect and seeing Jim's review it seems that I need to improve A LOT! I laughed again.

Barbara said that Steve, Mike and her feel that Jim should not comment that my summary is not enough for the report. The thing is 5000 words is not much. Well, I don't mind at all. I know that 5000 is too little to summarize a 20000 works (my literature review, I mean).

I am glad that I am doing fine. Alhamdulillah.

I reminded Barbara about my progress report that I have to send to the MOHE and my faculty in Malaysia. This time around, Barbara gave me 10/10. Whoah... can you please change that? Barbara said that she is really pleased with my work. She knows how committed I am with my work (there is a little incident with the cleaner lady that got me into a little "trouble" that testify how committed I am to be at school as early as 7am until 7pm every day. Day in, day out). Aiyoo... the thing is I think that PhD is my work. In Malaysia, I went to work 630am and went back after 5pm. Only on certain occasion, I went back earlier than that (especially after a long hour drive to supervise students who are doing their teaching practicum). That's only because it would be such a hassle to come back to UTM from Kota Tinggi after I finished my supervision at 4pm. So, apa lagi balik terus la ke rumah? Kalau balik UTM balik pun, by that time, orang lain pun dah balik kerja.

Barbara said that it doesn't look nice if she changed it. So she retains the point that she gave me. Adoi... I have to make sure that I got 11/10 for my annual review next year then?

Discussed with her about interviews and analysis a bit (adoi... so futuristic... belum ada data dah nak bayangkan mcm mana nak analisa? adoi.. pening kepala bakal mak mertuaku itu). She told me that it is hard to discuss about it especially you don't have any data yet. I admit that (even though deep inside me telling me otherwise).

So what's the little incident with the cleaner lady?... It is like this. Since subuh is around 4pm++, I went to school early like when it was summer last year. Like summer, I arrived at school 7am. Sometimes earlier than that, depending on the bus that I took. The cleaner usually will come around 730am to the research room to clean. So when she found that I am already at my desk and do my work, it's annoyed her. Then, she told me that I am not allowed to be at the school before 8am. Err since when? For all I know, I EVEN can sleep at the school if I want to. I have the key to the main door so what's the big fuss? She made a formal complain to the janitor who apparently told her that I am, as the postgraduate student are given a privilege to use the research room 24/7. Even on Saturday and Sunday. Out of curiosity, I asked my supervisor's secretary the regulations etc if just in case I misunderstood it. Anita told me that I am allowed to be at school whenever I want and she knows about it (apparently Neville, the kind and friendly janitor told her about it). So, somehow one way or another, Barbara knows about it. Ait... aku tak cakap pun dengan dia? I used to think that mat salleh don't gossiping. Well, after all, gossiping is a universal behavior. Errm... what can I say about that?

Met Steve on my way back to the research room. Had a little chat with him on the corridor. Then Jim passed by. Said Hi to Jim and I laughed. He had a chuckle in his eyes. Yeah, this minah melayu even had her supervision on the corridor. Errr....

What can I say? Steve seems very interested to talk about cluster analysis. What's that? Just a type of statistical analysis.

I walked back at the research room feeling as if there are wings on my feet! I just about to say Whoopiiieee... when I saw Mike standing at the corner talking with the receptionist. Ops... what a day!

So what does a PhD really mean?

It has been more than a year since I embark myself in this journey.

It is a lonely process. Challenging, most of the time.

So what does it mean really?... let me think first...

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Woke up today with a feverish feeling. May be I have a fever. After solat subuh, I marinate the chicken that I thaw since last night. L*** is coming. So, thought of cooking roast chicken and this time around, plan to make a gravy. So, I stuffed carrot and onion inside the chicken. Left it for few hours. I need to move myself and get myself sweat a bit. Clean a bit the living room. Boil the water to make myself a cuppa tea. Took a clarinase and off I went to take a nap.

I couldn't take a nap! So, I just lie down under the duvet. It is hot and I started to sweat a bit. It's good. I am feeling much better.

Started to cook around 113oam. The chicken has cooked but need to make sure the skin is crispy. So, I took it out from the oven and moved it into the grill.

It seems the carrot and onion have soften. I removed it from inside of the chicken. Took the juices out too. I blended everything until it became smooth. Using a sieve, I pour the gravy into a pan. Get it boil. Add black pepper, soya sauce (to get the dark color and the saltiness taste - kes malas nak guna garam). To thicken it, I used a corn flour that I mixed with water. I put a bit too black pepper sauce. Put a bit of butter. Sifu Jamie Olver uses wine but I don't use wine in my cooking. So, I don't substitute it with anything. Just a butter. To give extra creamy flavor.

So this is the gravy and the roast chicken.

Again, I got diverted from the main topic.
************************************************************************************

So what does a Phd really mean?

It means balancing your study life and social life. Study life? Yeah, we need to stay focused, and sometimes need to be alone to think, write and read. Most of the time. Kena bertapa. How long? Subjective. Depends on the need.

Social life? We need to get out. Smell the roses! Have a life! (which is very hard to do especially there is always a guilty feeling bottling inside).

I am not an outdoor type. I am very domesticated. So, my social life = cooking, cleaning. I enjoy doing it. Just, of late, I miss Z*** and A*** who will bustling around and busying themselves in the kitchen too when I cook. I learn a lot from them and they learn a lot from me. We exchange few tips on cooking. Now, it is a solitary process.

Cooking is an art. Like painting, we don't learn to paint by listening to the painter what color to use, what brush to use for different stroke. We learn painting by looking at others doing it. Now I understand, why I am such a lousy painter! I never see anyone - who is really good - paints. Yed, I miss you! I want to learn painting from you.

Blog followers

I don't expect that people would be interested in reading what I wrote on a first place. After all, it is just nonsense rantings.

I don't think it is therapeutic to write something about myself in blog. After all, the world is so small. You never know who will read what and when and how (they find your blog on a first place). So whatever I wrote here might not be suitable especially when it comes to the so called "prehistoric relationships that never worked". I wrote about it anyway. Reason? A proof that my life is not perfect and a remembrance to myself to be grateful with what I have and don't have. A reminder has to be written somewhere - I read it somewhere (especially for me who always tend to be forgetful about certain details - it's a pre head damage symptom, I guess. I don't have the memory like the famous S. as in Luria's book, The mind of the mnemonist)

I know, unlike other people who talk/write about SERIOUS things and you can really tell their mental prowess just by their blogs, mine is just simple chit chat kind of blog. I don't really write serious stuff. Just something that dears to me and really means a lot to me that I want to share with others. Nothing to prove. Just to show that life is life. That's it.

Alhamdulillah... Review went well... Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah. Had my annual review just now for an hour (from 3-4pm). It is not time to celebrate, just a pat on my back is more than enough.

I was excited and thus a bit hyper (blame it on chocolates and tea).

I don't know what to expect from the review so I came to the room with an open mind that it will be a great presentation. I delivered my presentation for about 20 minutes. And THEN, it is time for the reviewers to ask me questions.

Mike, the first reviewer commented that
- it seems that I know what I am doing and it looks like I am on the right track (first of all, he congratulated me for reasons that I don't know - it is kind of spooky as if it is like a real viva). He even suggested that I should present on the monthly seminar (which I dreaded to do given a fact that I don't have an solid data to present - my excuse)

Jim, the second reviewer suggested few things that I should do (which I have done and wrote in my chapters). The thing is, what can you put in a 5000 words report? It seems a lot but my chapter 2 has more than 20k words. So to comprise the literature review into just 2000 words really does not justify the 20k words literature review.

Barbara and Steve seem pleased with my progress. I will meet Barbara next week. Looking forward to the meeting with her next week.

My review?
- I can't wait to present for my viva which will due in a year time or so. I can't wait for the examiners to congratulate me and call me Dr.
- I have to finish my questionnaire (editing it which seems ages for me to complete) by tomorrow.
- Don't be complacent with the review. Have to maintain my performance no matter what.

When Mike asked me what contributions that I will give based on my research to Malaysia, I told him that I just want to make sure that my students will have a course about giftedness, not as a subtopic under the introduction to educational psychology subject.

Mike said it is very humble contribution. Me? Little Dij? Contribute big things in Malaysia? Are we talking about the same person here? He must be kidding, right?

Anyway, I am glad that it is over. It went well as I visualised it to be. I even sat at the same chair (gosh... kind of spooky, isn't it? It is like a dejavu thing. I imagined things to happen that way and it really happened according to what I have imagined)

Alhamdulillah.

Don't know... or just couldn't be bothered

What's the difference between "don't know" and "just couldn't be bothered"?

Don't know = do not have any idea about something with full consciousness and not due to lack of observance

Just couldn't be bothered = do not have any idea about something due to lack of observance

Staying focus is not about focusing on the important things but also caring about small things that matter even though it seems trivial.

Juggling between big and small things is hard. No doubt about that. Perhaps what we could do is just paying extra attention to every details no matter how big or small it is.

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Just received an email from my ex-supervisor

Hello stupid assalam alaikum, I had given up on you; what a pleasant surprise to hear from you almost as if from beyond the grave. So when do you deign to come down this way, soon I hope. More when we meet hopefully soon. wassalam

It seems that I will forever his stupid mentally half dead student. Ayy.... I am the combination of Myshkin and Rogozhin.

Just another week before my annual review

I will have my annual review on 5 March. At 3.30pm. My reviewers, both are Professors. One of them, Jim Ridgway is a Professor in Cognitive and Applied Psychology. The other one is Mike Fleming, the kind fellow who came once to the research room to ask me to attend a meeting with a university representative since there is no postgraduate student was around at that time (I was so ignorant when it comes to whatnot in school. Especially when I am doing my work, I am totally immersed myself with my work (mamat handsome lalu pun tak nampak - ruginya!). At that time, I didn't know that he hold some high position in the school. This mat salleh is so relax. Wearing sweater lusuh with jeans (which equally lusuh). Doesn't look like a Professor at all. Tu belum lagi my 2nd supervisor with his hugging t-shirt and pants. Adoi, ruginya dia tu gay! Kalau tidak, dah lama aku mengurat!

The scenario is totally different in Malaysia. The higher the position that one has in the faculty, the more stylo he or she is. Just a glance over the shoes (sebab tak berani nak pandang atas, jadi selalunya pandangan ini hanya akan tertumpu pada kaki mereka sahaja) you can guess what position that person has in the faculty.

Ops... got diverted to different issue here!

Come back to my annual review. I don't have any idea of what to present. Of course my supervisor has told me what are the expectations and whatnot. At that time, I didn't checked the education background of my reviewers. When I saw the title "Professor" in front of their names, I kind of freak out. I don't know what to expect.

Steve, aka my 2nd supervisor is also a Professor. He is so relax, cool, calm and collected. He is very sharp too. Just one sentence from me about statistical analysis, he can make a conclusion already. Amazing, isn't it? Supposedly, I have to meet Steve this week. Steve emailed me that he is not available this week. Adoi.... bila lagi nak jumpa dia?

So what to present to the persons who can always tell what are the conclusions of your presentation even by hearing one sentence from you?

I look at my slides. It seems does not make any sense. The more I have a look at it, the more confused I become. I have to admit, even though people may think that those who are doing their PhD must have IQ more than average, well, in my case, I am not one of them.

I don't know. I feel more stupid than before embarking myself in this journey.

Well, now at least I know that I am stupid. Alhamdulillah. I realise that I need to study smart and hard (double or triple times more). To take things for granted is not what I should do.

This is nothing ....

I finished editing my annual review report. Submitted to my supervisors. I refine my questionnaire again. Double check. Triple check. I have lost counting. I am mentally exhausted. Alhamdulillah. I am still alive!

I received a belated birthday card from Kak N*****. Although mistakenly wish me the 3* birthday, I was elated with the fact that she took all the trouble to send me a card even though it is long overdue.

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I was browsing Kak Raden's blog that I came across his blog. Ya Allah, I pray that he and his wife are given the strength to endure the challenges that You endow upon them. I can't help my tears from rolling.

Ya Allah, as compared to what I have as challenges, theirs are far more challenging.

I was numb. Speechless.

Does it make any sense?

I got B*****'s reply.

Yes, u are right for once...in this case alone.
I have a personal experience with a gifted person who appeared to have
some kind of deficiency/disorder .
He is very calculative and tend to give attention to details and he is
also very sensitive to his surroundings that he is able to detect
emotion change with the people around him. Yet, his deficiency is that
he likes to stare at people especially at their teeth to determine
whether they brush their teeth once, twice or more. His stare is
sometimes irritating but since he does it silently, not so many people
noticed it. I like him a lot. He is bright u know.

Gosh. I don't want to reply at first. Dah naik muak nak melayan dia meroyan. I was reading this book by Richard Feynman. One of my all time favorites: Surely you're joking, Mr Feynman?. Reading this book can always make my day. It gives me sense of nonsense-ness is a part of life.

So, this is what I replied

I am right in this case, alone? I dont think whatever I said need to be proven as right or wrong... do we have to make it as such?...

Intellectual argument does not necessarily right or wrong.... just like a flip of a coin... head or tail does not matter.... it is still a coin....

Gosh... since when an argument becomes a means to prove something as right or wrong???... An argument denotes possibilities of looking at a same thing from different angles.... Truth will be true no matter what... what is right will be right... and what is wrong will be wrong...

An argument will be an argument no matter how right or wrong or ridiculous it could be.... I see only examples and counterexamples .... just like a flip of a coin.... just sometimes, ones only see one side and it is quite a challenge to convince them to see the other side.... not to prove anything.... just to show that there is another side of a coin that worth to see...

Cheers!!!!

When I read again on what I have written, my goodness..... I never thought I am that critical! I sound like somebody that I know well. My ex-supervisor, Yed. Yed, you must be so proud of me. You have "created" the mini you, female version. Just you are far more critical and philosophical than me.

Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah, You Give me whatever I have now and don't have. I pray and seek Your Blessing that You will endow me with Barakah in anything and everything that I do every seconds of my life. Amin.

Negative vibes

So what's B***** reply? This is what he replied.

That still doesnt make them bright :)

What did I reply?

Too long. Today, my mood is very academic. Every thing coming out from my mind is value laden with technical stuff. So, my reply is this

Bright people might appear stupid to untrained lookers
And stupid people might appear bright to untrained lookers

So which is which?

This is just for the sake of sharing information. When it comes to giftedness (something I am researching now) apparently there are some characteristics of gifted and talented people have in common with people who have disorders such as psychosis or OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. Such as intense drive or interest about something which could be misinterpreted as compulsion or obsession about something. To untrained lookers, they can't tell the difference. A combination of characteristics could be misleading to laypeople and non-expert. Having IQ more than 140 is one of the characteristics but any psychological testing or assessment could not be used as the sole indicator of identifying bright people. This is because there are other aspects of brightness or giftedness that cannot be discovered by IQ tests alone. Not only that, there are cases where gifted and talented people have also emotional/behavioral disorders such as dyslexia, autism or ADHD - attention deficit hyperactive disorder. So how do we catagorise them in this case? They are bright people yet having other disorders as well. (some of the references: Lovett, B. J. & Lewandowski, L. J. (2006) Gifted students with disabilities: Who are they? Journal of Learning Disabilities, 39 (6) 515-527, Thomas, M (2000) Albert Einstein and LD: An evaluation of the evidence. Journal of Learning Disabilities, 33 (2) 149-157)

Bright yet stupid? Stupid yet bright?

So which is which?

Since you adhere to the concept of simplicity, why don't you just accept bright people as they are? Even if you don't and can't understand them.

Bright people like any other people, have their flaws. Yet, can't judge them by their flaws and condemn them as stupid.

Ambik kau! Tu dia, dah keluar segala mala tok nenek punya jargon and terms! Complete with references. Rasa nak add je lagi "Stupid people like any other people, have their strengths. Yet, can't judge them as bright due to their strengths and applaud them as bright." Tapi kang perang dunia ke 3 pula dah nanti! Dia meroyan nanti. Tak kena nyaya bini dia nak kena layan meroyan dia?

Let's see what he will reply. I learn a lot from this. Male, they always want to show that they are superior in their intellect. To encounter with a female who is more intelligent and also opinionated due to the educational trainings that she received might be interpreted in many ways. Some male with inferiority complex: they simply will do whatever it takes to make sure that they are superior in their thoughts. Even though the argument seems to reveal their stupidity and ignorance about many things more.

Other male who are comfortable with their intellectual levels and confidence with themselves, they might feel flatter to encounter with females with brains. It is a rare opportunity to meet one. When I read Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan, most of the time, females are more intelligent than they appear to be but due to social constraint, they tend to behave as if they are not as intelligent as they are in actual sense. This is because society seems to "punish" females who are outstanding intellectually and appear to be knowledgeable than their males counterpart. This is ridiculous! Males and females should not be treated differently and they should express themselves according to their intellectual levels and be proud of it.

I sound very feminist in this sense. I don't want to be the 2nd Betty Friedan. Hahahahaha....

I always envision myself as the female version of Richard Feynman. I admire his care free thinking. His casual way of doing things even though he involved with complex things like the theory of quantum physic. I like to challenge other people mind on issues like giftedness. What's really make a person identified as gifted and talented? I want to make sure that Malaysians will have better conceptions of giftedness. Forget about social niceties. When it comes to anything related to giftedness, even though some might take it lightly, for me, it always mean business.

I don't want the future education system to produce shallow minded people like B***** and the like who look down on females just because they appear to be more intelligent than them. I will "mentally torture" my students who will be teachers so that they will influence their students mind in a right way. Don't be MCP - Male Chauvinist P**.

I want to attract people who fight for and uphold equality! Negative vibes? Be gone! Cheers!