Grief and bereavement ... phase 2

Here I am, back in UK after nearly two months in Malaysia. I tried not to cry in front of mak when she sent me off at the airport. Seeing her waving her hand as I entered the departure hall really breaks my heart. I didn't cry when I hugged her but seeing her hand from afar, I cried. I continued to cry even on the plane. To make it not too obvious, I put a handkerchief on my eyes and only then I cried. I guess the passenger seating beside me can notice that I am crying, but with his understanding look, I can guess that he can sense that I am sad. Thanks for not asking what makes me sad. It is comforting to know that he cares yet not asking too much about it.

The nearly 20 hours journey to UK really feels so long. I can't sleep like always, yet I don't have any mood to watch any movie or listen to any song on the plane.

Things inside my room are still as it is as I left it. Seeing bapa's pictures on the wall makes me cried again.

Abg Zul and Kak Ila fetched me from the airport with Nadia and his dad. I was in Nadia's car since Abg Zul's car is full. I can't help from not crying when they asked me about my dad. I am becoming such a cry baby these days! I said to myself and others that I am ok. The reality is, I am not THAT ok in a real sense. This is just a phase.

I went to visit him with mak and kakak on Friday, a day before I left. Did a tahlil led by kakak after we recited surah Yassin. Mak was still sad. It seems that every single things that we do are under her scrutiny. She is also very high strung. It is hard to understand what's going on her mind at most of her time. I pray that kakak will be strong and patient to take care of her. I can't wait to finish my study ASAP. I wish that I could stay longer to accompany her.

I am still having the jet lag. Arghh... it's already 1020am (UK time) and just 520pm (Malaysian time). Yet, I am feeling light headed..... I will continue this entry...