Maal Hijrah

It is a new year for Muslims. So I celebrate this one every year instead of the Gregorian new year.

Everyone and anyone more or less will fuss over new year resolutions. Do I have any? Did I ever make one? I don't think I ever made any resolutions. I do have plans - long term, short term or indecisive plans (for plans that yet to be decided). Aims? I do have aims. Every aims I have a dateline (which is changeable accordingly - hey sometimes thing happens unexpected so aims has to be amended).

Wishlists? I have a long list for that. Previously I did write it down every thing that I want to do: Finish degree on time (did that), further study - Masters (did that), Phd (I never specifically write this one down I think) .... well, I have forgot some of them (purposely forget it - have passed the dateline by now).

New wishlists? I want to list all of them but I think it won't be enough space here or people will start to fall asleep when they read it (like a boring novel or text book or journal).

What I wish and what I don't are just a part of my life. Yeah. No need to publicize it.

Oh ya, I wish that I could share this experience that I have with others. I know it is a common kind of thing to do but for someone who never do it before, I think it is a good thing to know. Here is the thing. While shopping on the boxing day, I have the privilege to perform solat zuhur and 'asr in the fitting room of a shopping mall. Previously, I was either on musafir or have VALID excuse of not performing the wajib ibadah. Alhamdulillah. I feel blessed and content. I used to take things for granted given the fact that in any shopping mall in Malaysia, usually there is a surau. Here, even a masjid is hard to find. Alhamdulillah, a fitting room is more than enough for me and my friends to perform our solat. Alhamdulillah, I am given a chance to prostrate to Allah regardless of the place.

When I went to Edinburgh with my best friends and her family, I purposely went to Edinburgh masjid. I want to make sure that we have proper place to perform our solat. I feel glad that we did that. Everyone is happy with the decision and with the fact that there is a place to eat nearby the masjid is a double blessing. Ya Allah, I thankful that I am given abundant choices to choose and the ease to perform my ibadah no matter the circumstances are. Ya Allah, please grant me Your Blessing and give ease on things that I do in life. Amin.

Alhamdulillah....

What was I thinking? I was exhausted from few shopping trips last two days. My mind seems to be wandering about many things. Some seem so surreal to be true or can come true. What are the things that keep bugging me? These are some of the things that I think about while going for the shopping trips.

1) My parents : Mom and dad (this is REAL)
2) Study (this is REAL too)
3) What will happen after I finish my study? What will I do next? How's life after PhD? (still probable)

The first thing that I think about i.e. parents. I don't know why. Perhaps being the youngest I have this youngest-child-syndrome - tak boleh jauh dari ketiak mak bapa. I think and reflect back about how I treat them. Am I a good daughter? I know that I made mak shed her tears for many reasons that some even are very childish and ridiculous. I was stubborn. Being far from them makes me appreciate the time I spend with them more even though it is very short.

Study. I always have this imagination how my viva will be and how hard things could be before I get to that. I like to prepare myself with the worst case scenario by imagining the worst case scenario and what can be done after that (even though I know that I could never prepare myself well). Alhamdulillah, no matter how hard and difficult things can be, I remind myself that it is just a phase and it will pass sooner than I think. It is a phase. Life is a phase in itself. It will pass too.

The post PhD period. What should I do about it? How's my life will be then? To prepare for that, I know there are no preparation enough to prepare myself well. Why should I worry too much about things that will not happen in another two years or so? Yeah right. Should I let things happen just it is and only then do something about it OR should I plan something and work things from there? Which is which? For one thing, to prepare myself, I should change physically and emotionally.

Physical change : Appearance. For that I have invested in good comfortable shoes and for the first time, I bought high heel shoes. I am not a high heel kind of person but it is about to change. I will wear heels more regardless of the occasion. As a start, I will wear my first high heel shoes to my first class. I aim to do so and I can imagine myself on that day, going to the class, entering it and introducing myself to my students. I can imagine the class, the building. Gosh, I do miss teaching! Another thing, I will wear stylish scarf i.e. Tie Rack from time to time with matching shirt and pants. Yup, no more just all baju kurung all weekdays. Especially when I go for the teaching practicum supervision. I can imagine myself sitting on the high chair in a chemistry lab with my Tie Rack tudung, my M&S shirt, a matching Next pants and my Clarks high heels.

Car? I will get myself a new car for my father's convenience. He is using the wheel chair right now and my baby car is too small for his chair. Other thing is, with the predicted financial problem, I want to get myself a house nearby my workplace. I will bring mak and bapa to stay with me and I will hire someone to help me to look after them when I am working. I will make sure I cook for them before I go to work everyday. My mom used to wake up early in the morning to prepare breakfast before I went to school and I can do the same too. Alhamdulillah, my work permits me to have a flexible working hours. Well, not totally 8-5 kind of work as sometime I have to stay back late if I have classes ended at 6pm or 7pm. Yeah, the post graduate classes.

Marriage? I can't imagine myself get married lately. Am I getting old or what? I don't know. Previously, I can imagine day in and day out about being married, having children of my own and grow old with my husband (this is the time when I have someone in mind to be my life partner). Now, I no longer have such imagination no matter how hard I tried. No more imagining cooking for family - hubby and children. The thought of marriage seems harder than studying (I know that for married one, the thought of studying seems harder than marriage itself). Kak I** said that I shouldn't think this way.

Emotionally: I have passed the phase of longing and hoping for that guy to respond. His message that he left at my facebook does not give me any excitement or feeling of blood rushing to the head. I am glad that he does not into me. For one thing, things could be more complicated had I am in a relationship with him. Yeah. He is perfect. Perfect for another woman. I know his mom can detect that I like her son. I know that she wishes that I could be a part of her family. (I can tell the way she promotes him. I don't have the heart to tell her that I have moved on). When I cordially give my becoming popular statement -Rugi siapa tak nak aku-, I know his mom is listening. Now, I will change the statement to - Untung kan siapa yang dapat aku - as it sounds more positive and I know it is a doa. So who knows, I might meet the lucky one sooner than I thought?

There is nothing can be done here, I think. I have prayed. When I did my umrah, I did pray for him. I don't know what the future might bring. I don't think that he will ask for my hand in the future. Susah nak cakap (to early to tell?). If he does, I have an answer stored for him. Yup. No. It is not a Yes. It is not a No either. So what is my answer? When the time has come, it will be known.

I was listening to this song. Don't dream it over (like Crowded House once said). I do agree. Well, life demands sacrifices and challenges me to take risks. Calculated risks. When the time comes, whether I am ready or not, I will face any challenge and take the risk. Nothing else matters.

This is just a phase...

It is a sunny day and not a bit like any gloomy winter day. Seems like it's already spring, but it is still winter. K** went to Birmingham and Nottingham on 23 Dec. So, just me, Z*** and A*** left. It's quite quiet without K** that we used to dub her as The Underage. She just laughs when we call her that.

I** my bestfriend is in Paris. I hope she is fine and having a marvelous time there as I did last Summer.

When I think back, I have changed a lot since the last time I saw her. She's changed a bit too. Accepting the new me could be a hard thing for her. Accepting the new her could be a hard thing for me too. I will learn to accept her unconditionally. That's what friends do. We respect each other.

Respect has to be earned, not be given. When it comes to certain things, being bossy shows that you don't respect a person. Especially when it comes to ordering people to do something that you can do yourself. I feel empathy with S*****. S***** was left alone while A**** went to Germany for a holiday. She told us that A**** asked her to do some house work. A*** and Z*** were quite surprised upon hearing it. Me? Well, nothing to be surprised as we (M** and I) were used to be bossed around by her. Yeah. People won't believe it at first when we told them about it. It doesn't matter anymore, I guess. Some people are just being inconsiderate and bossy. What can we do about it? As for me, I will make sure that I keep my distance from such people. Mean and bossy people do not deserve to be my friends. Fullstop.

Ya Allah, I know that I should not have this feeling of anger and hatred. I know I should be more compassionate and kind no matter how I was treated. I am just being myself. I have to be selective in choosing my friends and the people that I want to be close with. I want to be a better person. I don't want to have and imitate bad behaviours. I pray that I will be in Your Blessing and Grace for all time and Your Forgiveness is what I seek always.

It's my birthday

31 years ago, my mom brought me to this world. After a bit of complication, I was born. The nurse attending my mom was a trainee nurse and my birth would give her the certification that she wanted most. My mom told me how the nurse pleaded me to come out after waiting few hours and there I was a bit stubborn to come out to this world. To that kakak/mak cik nurse, thanks for your help, patience and assistance. My mom could never have made it without your help. With your patience and compassion, I was born natural way. I don't know if you still remember me as being the one who left such an important mark in your life. Me = end of training and you got your nursing certificate.

We never know how important we are to various people in their lives and vice versa - how important are others in our lives. We make differences to others and others make differences in our lives. Insignificant as it may seem, we never know how simple gesture might leave big impact on others.

This is my birthday. I never thought that I will celebrate my 30th and 31st birthday abroad. It is not that important. I know. Yet, thinking back, last year, I celebrated it in Cardiff. Went to Cardiff with Kak Narina. This year, I celebrate it with my friends. Close friends. Yet I never know why I am not looking forward for the party.

Well, the thing is, something happened last year. I was deeply hurt. I am a person that hard to forget kind of person and when it comes to certain thing, don't mess up with me or I will avoid that person altogether as long as I can.

I know that I can't be selfish. Never know how things might turn in the future.

Well, this is my birthday and I want to celebrate it with my close ones.

This is one of the best birthdays that I will not forget.

I deserve the best.... everyone does.....

Yesterday (Friday) at 4pm on the dot, I sent my progress report to Richard. Finally, I managed to finish my report after so many sleepless nights. It's not that I burn the mid night oil, never did that. I have restless sleeps. Sleep but I don't feel rested.

The only time I remember that I stayed up to study is when I was in form 4 in 1994. I have this exam - SMU and Syahadah that were held on the same days. Yup... there are 10 subjects for each exam I think. Luckily, I passed with flying colours in both exam. Don't ask me how I did that. Never know what or how. Just I think my mom's prayers were been answered. Yeah, finally, one of her children did take the exams.

My mom had this thinking and vision that I will be an ustazah someday. Little that she expects (I also didn't expect it) that I will be slightly different from what she has stored in her mind. After SPM, I asked my mom permission to further my study in Egypt. Yup... Al-Azhar University. Or any universities in Jordan. Being the youngest, my mom is quite hesitated and thus, she asked me to opt for local universities instead. Being me, I told her that I would enroll in the program of my choice. I choose Human Sciences program. Yeah, never have any idea what Human Sciences are all about.

I did majored in Psychology after contemplating to major in either Sociology or Psychology. It turned out that I got better grade in Psychology and thus, Psychology, I chose. Even though I love Psychology, not many people believe that I can make a living with a degree in Psychology. Even my best friend is quite skeptical at first, after all Psychology is not a popular program. Bak kata orang, "Boleh kerja apa dengan ijazah Psikologi ni?" Well, whatever degree one may have is not the issue of searching work and whatnot.

For some, the levels of education matter. Some of my friends back in secondary school feel inferior when with me. I can sense that when we hanged out together. I don't give it a d***m for one thing. As long as you are honest, good, empathic and do not rob a bank or drug abused, I can accept anyone as my friends. There is no reason to feel intimidated or inferior. After all, all of us deserve the best ... aren't we?

Pening kepala sih....

My report has to be submitted on 20 Dec. Tomorrow is the dateline I set for myself. The real dateline is on Saturday (20 Dec). I was in a mood to write. Yeah, bila bosan tulis kat blog, facebook, email (buang masa je! tapi buat juga).

Anyway, my work is nearly done now. While listening to Cliff Richard songs and whatnot, I try to edit my work.

Today, I got the stomachache and Alhamdulillah, hanya minor buang air besar yg ca*r. I know it is gross to explain things in detail. So I spare the details. Let your imagination runs wild. This is the effect when I stress up with works or other things. Aiyoooo.. macam mana tak kurus!!

Alhamdulillah, despite whatever things that I experience now, I still can eat or drink. Well, I should count my blessing. At least, the condition is still bearable and I don't need to be hospitalised or what.

Now, it's time to go back to work..... Life is work and demands ________ work (option to fill in the blank: hard, smart, stupid - just types of works - called anything as you wish). Ayyyy....

I was......

My best friend and her mom and younger siblings came to Durham. They arrived safely on 9 Dec (Tuesday). I was excited and at the same time anxious. I got stomachache aka cirit birit (tak teruk). Fetched them and met them at the train station. Since the car is terlebih muatan, my best friend and I took a stroll around Durham town. The weather is quite ok. Took some pictures around town.

I cooked Nasi Briyani. Yeah, it becomes almost like a signature dish to entertain guests. Alhamdulillah, the nasi and lauk were ok. Just nice. My best friend gave me 4 stars for the rating. Yeah la tu. The mom was quite impressed with my culinary skills. Just it is quite sad that F**** was sick after that. Ye la. Makan tambah banyak kali. Perut dah la kosong masa datang Durham. (Sedap sangat ke aku masak? Sampai tambah banyak kali. F***** pun tambah banyak kali. Memang sedap kot - statement perasan). Well, I felt bad a little. Is it about my nasi briyani? Errmmmm .... Alhamdulillah, it was not food poisoning. Just a normal reaction due to an empty stomach.

On 10 Dec, we went to Amsterdam. Well, something happened. I felt bad. Again, I am just an outsider. There is no way that I should get involved. Got back on 12 Dec. Then on 15 Dec, went to Edinburgh. Alhamdulillah, we managed to find Hard Rock in Edinburgh. Managed to buy the t-shirts and whatnot.

While waiting them to visit and explore Edinburgh Castle, the mom confided in me about my best friend. Well, I can't do nothing much about it. After all, it's her life.

I was not in the best mood myself. Pening kepala dan tengah risau pasal my report yg kena ubah balik tu. Alhamdulillah, my best friend is understanding.

They went back to Leicester on 16 Dec (Tuesday). I was sad to send them back. I sent them to the bus stop only. Not the train station. I was not prepared. When I went down, I am quite surprise that they already packed their things. I don't know what to prepare for breakfast so I roasted some chicken parts. I showed my best friend how to do it so she can do it herself. Had a little chat with her in the kitchen (with her mom eavesdropping hehhehehehhe). The chicken was nicely cooked. Tak ireng. Alhamdulillah. F**** dan F***** makan bertambah-tambah. Budak-budak nak membesar. I don't know what they will tell the big bro. For all I care, now it does not matter anymore. Ayyy.... my life = me and my things for now.

Semalam macam mana boleh terserempak dengan mamat Birmingham dengan Glasgow tu beberapa kali. F***** teased me. Ye la tu. They are anak ikan. Again, I am not ready to get married I think at this point. I have to finish my PhD first. Nothing else matters.

We meet and then....

Last Saturday we had a farewell party for Z****. I'm kind of feeling sad. Before, it was M**, N****, H*****, and P**. They left when I was in Malaysia. We did have a get together before they left. I feel a tug until now when I go to some of the places that we used to go together. Especially the places that I used to go with M**. A sight of my Whittard or Jamie Oliver's mug always leave me feeling a tug in my heart. People come and people go. Friendship that last forever will endure anything. This is just a temporary parting.

We are lucky with the internet and whatnot. So we still can catch up with one another and shares good or bad news. Latest development. M** is pregnant. Upon hearing the good news from M** - she is pregnant, I was elated. Alhamdulillah. Some said that perhaps my prayers are being answered. Before, it is Kak N***** and now, it's M**. I do pray for others for their studies in every prayers. When I went for umrah, specifically I do pray for them - especially for studies and jodoh/married life.

My best friend has arrived in UK and she is in Leicester for a day. She will arrive Durham today around 3 pm. I need to pick them up at the train station. I was anxious. Too anxious I think. Last Tuesday (2 Dec) I received a call from Auntie Tatih. I can still hear her voice telling me that her son is coming from France. Gosh!!! I feel like screaming on top of my lung because my best friend is coming to Durham on 9 Dec and there is no way that I can go to London and come back Durham on the same day they come to Durham. Ya Allah, is this a sign that I need to be aware of? Auntie Tatih is an Indonesian woman I met while performing umrah last September. Married to an Englishman. She is a lady with a strong character and I think that is something that we have in common. I can be stubborn and hard-to-please when I want to, to selected people. My mom really knows me too well on this. I can be nice and sweet and I also can make someone's life a living hell. Muahahhahahhaha

When I did umrah, I was tested. Usually, I am not that patient but while performing umrah, I am quite surprise that I was calm, cool and collected with my mom. Yeah, my mom was tested too. I never see her behaving in certain manner while in Malaysia. Alhamdulillah, I am glad that I can lavish her with the things that she likes (but hesitate to have with her tight budget). That's one of the things I was tested with. With my mom, she knows that when it comes to branded and expensive things, I am in. hehehehhehe... siapa la yg ajar ni!!!! My mom sure does not teach me that.

Sometimes, parents do influence us in many ways but in many cases, when we reach adulthood there are lots of factors that influence us. Life has countless influential factors. We are the one who make the choice and decide which factors that we want to influence our life. Yeah... we can choose.... certainly.... at most of the time.... the rest, tawakal (only after we have done our best)....ayyyy ...

An evening with my supervisor

Last Friday, I went to meet my second supervisor - Steve, since my first - Barbara was away for her sabbatical leave. I was panic stricken for a while since it has been a long while since the last time I met Steve. With a little token that got for him when I went back last August, and my statistical analysis (I printed every single table and whatnot from the SPSS), off I went to his room.

Going to school on that day wasn't easy. It was snowing all day on Thursday so the road was slippery when the ice started to melt (it seems that it takes ages to melt!). I was walking cum sliding here and there on my way to the hilly bus stop and on my way to the hilly School of Education. (If you think all the climbing the hills make me fit as fiddle, yeah you are 0.0000001% correct).

Meeting Steve gave me some assurance that what I am doing is so far so good. Seems that the analysis that I got from doing the factor analysis was meaningful - 1) I can't get the Pattern Matrix from the analysis since my samples are too small - at least I know better how to do it next time, 2) overall - the reliability coefficient with more than 0.9 seems promising, 3) I may need to choose some of the items either to be retained or "scrapped" and 4) I know that to do factor analysis paling cikai your samples have to be more than 1000 (to make it meaningful). Steve asked me when I plan to do my data collection. I told him that I plan to do it next year around March. It seems that I have ample time to refine my instrument. Yeah right! Time passes by so quickly and before I know it, it's already March.

Siapa dia....

Had a chat with one of my friends (that I have known since undergrad days, lost contact and keep in touch back). Apparently, we have lots of things to catch up with. One of them is MY SO CALLED LOVE LIFE. Yeah... the thing is for now, right now, I haven't find The Mr Right yet. Well, I thought that I have found one back in 2006. When he knew that I want to further my studies, his ardent courtship turned cold, out of the blues. Little that I expect that he did what he did at that time. Alhamdulillah I was strong enough to stay firm with my own stand when he courted me back this year - somewhere around June. I found out that around that time, he just got jilted by another woman. I sympathize alright but there is no way that I will start all over again with him. I learned my lesson well. He is a kind of guy that can be a good friend, not as a soul mate. That's what I think of him. He still owes me an apology.

Second time when I felt that I have found the one is when I went to KL about a month or so before I went to UK. I vividly remember the day. The email. For the second time, I was wrong. This time around, I made the first move. He is what he is. Unresponsive from day one. I guess he does not want to take a chance with me. Yeah. What can I do about it. I have done my part. Phew... At least I know and in five years later or so, I can say to myself, "I have tried". Better do something about it rather than do nothing about it. Well, by not doing anything, he is made up his mind. It is something that I can do nothing about. I don't know why I feel this way. His mom is coming to UK and I have to entertain her. The thing is, I found myself whining about it. I am in a difficult situation right now. The feeling is not nice at all.

I have no feeling whatsoever for him anymore. I have passed the dateline that I set myself. Yeah. Like Kak N***** said, there is no point to wait for his response because all of the while, he made no attempt to show his interest. I know perhaps after what I have read from this book, I got the idea that he's simply not into me. I know that. Sure of that and for that, I should move on and get on with with life. After all, I should be grateful that I have my career. Career = life. That's all that matter for now. With that, I am blessed.

Absent minded....

What was I thinking when I make my tea just now? I didn't put any sugar on it. I didn't even realize it on a my first sip. I become so absent minded lately. I am having a bit problem on the focusing department. hehehehe... Yeah... blaming on my brain there.

Kak I** asked me out yesterday. I was in a moody mood yesterday and when she called on a pretext of having research methodology discussion, I just couldn't help myself from not going out. After all, it is good to have someone to accompany me and help me to get myself distracted for a while from thinking about my father. Met A****** while performing solat zuhr at the musolla and after that the three of us went off to Costa to have a nice hot chocolate and sandwich. I just had hot chocolate. I know myself better. If I am stress, sad etc., I tend to get diarrhea easily. Hai, baru je dengan bangganya kata kat diorang berat badan dah bertambah, bila timbang balik semalam turun lagi 2 kg. WHAT???

I am glad that I can help Kak I** with her study. I am not a good student myself when it comes to research methodology but I gain a lot too through discussion and talking to others about research methodology. I am struggling like mad now. I know that I am supposed to work on my report, still apparently I still have time to blog. Yeah yeah yeah.... always the last minute girl! I never a last minute type of person but I find myself that while doing PhD, I become more relaxed. What's happened? I don't know. Finding myself struggling all the times makes me easily get bored or tired of doing the thing I am supposed to do, I think. So, as a result I tend to be a bit lay back due to that.

Had a little conversation with A**, aka my best friend SIL yesterday night. I was so pissed off with her when she gave me all these 1000000000001 excuses of not being able to help with the booking and whatnot. Credit card can't be used, debit card also has similar problem blah blah blah...... On top of that, she complained that the ticket that I bought for my best friends are expensive. She told me that she can get it cheaper. Go ahead and buy it yourself! I just want to say it to her. Being me, I just let it go. There is no point to pick a fight with her. So, I just told her that I did my best to get the best bargain for her SIL and I did consult with my best friend when I wanted to place the booking aka buying the tickets. So, it is after my best friend's approval that I bought those tickets. I was busy myself and with a flu and whatnot, I just don't have the time to go to the train station. Excuse that I used. hahahhaha....

Thinking back, we use excuses many time in our lives. Sometime deliberately, sometime out of our consciousness. Subconsciously use it. Yeah.... sometime we use it to cover our ignorance. Late last night, I had difficulty of sleeping. So, had a little chat with my housemates while Z**** packed her things in small and big boxes. I don't know how the conversation started but suddenly we are talking about sex. Yeah... don't ever trust a girl if she said that she never had any conversation or chat about sex. Having someone that we consider as underage aka under 20, it is quite embarrassing and awkward to talk about it in front of her. But being the most matured aka paling tua of them all, I told them the little conversation that we are having is for educational purposes so that when it comes to The Time, we know what to do.

Suddenly, Z*** asked me about oral sex. With her hand gesture, she said that oral sex is the dirty talk that people have before they have sex. Me and K** (the underage) couldn't help ourselves from laughing like mad. I never thought someone at that age, with that level of education (she is doing her masters) could be so innocent. A*** and Z**** tried very hard not to laugh as loud as me and K**. Well, they are more reserved than me and K**. What surprised us is K** knows what oral sex is all about. Eh... mana dia tau? Mcm mana dia tau? That are some of the questions that we asked among ourselves. K** said that she learned from her biology class. Eh, nowadays they taught sex (even oral sex) in a biology class ek? Wah.... how come my teachers never taught me that when I was in secondary school? Alamak... lupa... I went to Sekolah Menengah Agama. All teachers are very alim one. So we students, are also alim one (or pretend to be one).. hahaha.. I am more the latter than the former. hehehehe... Life is full of surprises when we least expect it.... YES INDEED...

Just another phase...

I received an email from my eldest sis yesterday telling me that my father is different. Her email:
Bapak semenjak your absence, dia akak rasa macam bertambah teruk nyanyuk nya. Ada sekali tu dia terkincit and the dirt ada kat floor and ada kat carpet ruang dapur. Just before that si Hadif tu ada makan cokolat. So thinking that it might be cokolat, akak pun ambil tisu and kesat and lepas tu sniff at it. You know what, akak satu hari tekak kembang je, loya macam nak muntah.

I know my sis tried her best to help around the house. She made a promise with my mom to stay with them (my parents). Being the eldest, I know that it must be hard to make such sacrifice. She sacrifices her career as an engineer long time ago. Being the youngest with a gap of twenty years, I know that I can't make such sacrifice myself. Being a single, I need to have a career to support myself and my parents. I have a little conversation with her when I was back in Malaysia last time. She knows that and she offers her full support that I should have a career. Even though I am a student now, this is my career too because I got the scholarship to study. This is my career for now.

I had enough crying all night long yesterday. I called my senior in Bristol. Upon hearing her voice, I just couldn't help myself from crying. I can't say a word even. I just cried my heart out. She also cried a bit. We talked for a little while. With me crying like mad, little can be said. She passed the phone to Kak E***. I know Kak E*** also lost her father not a long time ago. I always regarded them as my big sis while in UK. They remind me of my eldest sis. With Kak E***, I don't know. She makes me feel comfortable and welcome every time I go to Bristol. Upon hearing Ka E***'s voice, I cried again for the next couples of minutes. I don't know why that I can't confide such thing with my housemates or friends in Durham. They are nice and understanding but the chemistry just isn't there. Kak E*** suggested that I take wudu' and pray. Read the Qur'an after that. She suggested me to read some of the surah in the Qur'an. I did that. I feel much better afterwards. I feel more calm when I woke up this morning. I know that I can't be worried this much. I will break my mom's heart if she knows that I am so worried about my father.

I am lucky to have friends who care. One of my friends said, "aku yakin masa ayah ko hantar last year, dia hantar anak dia ..i bet he's so proud of you and he is praying that u'll be home someday with day piece of paper..so u got to move on..for his sake..u have to be strong"

I have to be strong. This is my challenge. Dugaan masa buat PhD ni. I know that it is not easy if anything happen to him. I have this conversation before with Abg M***. He lost his mom while doing his PhD. He was in US at that time. He didn't come back when he received the news. After all, he said it is something that he has expected. Just sooner than he has expected. He has his family when he received the news. Me? I am alone. He said that when the time has come, I will know what I should do when I asked him how should I prepare myself for such thing. It is true that things will happen no matter what. Kalau dah termaktub dalam ketentuanNya, tak akan ada apa yang dapat melambatkan atau mencepatkan kejadian.

It is true that life goes on no matter what. I have to be strong. It is hard. No doubt about that. Being single or if I have a husband or family of my own won't change a thing. I should be grateful. I am single. What if I am married and carrying a child? Tak lagi trauma ke?

The grass always look greener when it is on the other side. I should be thankful with what I have. I have to sacrifice. If getting a PhD will challenge me to sacrifice a lot, take whatever risk that may lie ahead..... I will face the challenge bravely. I am sad now. I will allow myself to cry like mad today, to whine, to scream, to laugh, to act like a mad person..... Just TODAY. I will be a better person tomorrow. After all, life is ................

Unexpectable... still it happens....

Received The News couples of weeks ago. At that time, I don't think that I care that much. For one thing, The Day that I dreaded most may not come true. After all, it is costly to travel to UK during winter. On top of that, to travel Europe and few places in UK itself, will cost a bomb. For a student like me, I will not burn a hole in my pocket. Unless someone give me a treat and sponsor the expenses. Dalam mimpi la.

My best friend and her family (mom and younger siblings) will come to UK this winter and it is confirmed. Originally, they will go to a place way further than my place in midland. Turn out that the in law is very busy with her things (she is also doing a PhD) and on top of that, her family is also visiting at the same time. Alright la kan. The family and the in law family. What a big happy family gathering it would be. Well, apparently she is not that keen to receive the in law. That's the way my friend saw it. So being her best friend, who by chance is also in UK, she asked me a favor if they can come to my place. Durham is a nice place. Even winter, it is a nice place to experience the cold, perhaps to see real snow (even though it could be ciput snow) if you are lucky.

My first reaction. Why not? Who knows that I can impress her mother that could be my future MIL? Dalam mimpi la. On a second thought, I have another reaction. "WHAT ON EARTH @%#$#$ I think that it would be a perfect timing?" As a student like her in law, I also have my own stuff to settle. My annual progress review and presentation. Although my supervisor is away - sabbatical leave- yet I have my second supervisor, mind you. So, I still have to do some "mengadap" session. Anyway, I received an email from my supervisor's secretary that I have to submit my report by 20 December. My oh my! When I looked back at that calender, actually I only have 2weeks to finish everything (editing included) before she and her family come after Raya Haji. Ya Allah! I started to panic at first. With a flu, runny nose and bad cough that I am having right now, I just feel that 2 weeks are not enough. The thing is I feel lethargic whenever I took the flu medication. I know that I suppose to lie down and get enough rest. With so much things to do, I simply can't let lie down without doing anything.

On top of that, my best friend asked me if I could help her to book tickets to go to certain places (with me as the tourist guide). It is my pleasure to bring her to certain places that I have went and haven't go yet. Still, to take a break for 2 weeks while she and her family are here, seems unthinkable. Yeah, being me who is a studious type, taking a break is like committing a suicide. I have to learn to take things and do certain things slowly. It is a good thing that I got this flu. It really teaches me to slow down a bit.

So, done some booking (although it burns my pocket a bit - because I have to use my money first and she will pay back when she comes here). It gave me quite a terrible headache to help her with the booking and all. What a relief! Finally, get the booking done yesterday. What really concerns me right - a bit- now is how to entertain Her Mother aka The Mother of the Same Guy that I prayed for while performing umrah? I don't know if it is a sign to show her that I could be her next DIL or it could be another sign to show me that He is not The Guy. Well, their mother is a nice lady. Met her couples of time before. That's before she knows that I like her son. Now, things might be different. I don't know if she will behave differently and thus, I should always be on my guard 24/7 or what. Nevertheless, I will be myself. The new me -since I changed my status back to student and after I performed umrah- might shock her a bit. In what way I have changed? It is hard to describe it but I know that I have changed and people who are close to me can see the different. Some of them might be a bit shocked at first but true friends will always be there despite the change. So far, true friends do stick with me still.

Whatever it is, well, it is not a big problem. Just another challenge on a way. Either I prepare for it or not, I will be myself no matter what. She can be impressed with me or not. For all I care, I will be me.

Life is a challenge to be true to yourself sometimes. Yet, what matter most is to be true to yourself despite the challenges of life.

Kelas Psikologi Cinta.... via emails?

Had a flu, runny nose and cough.... can't sleep well at night... Yet, Alhamdulillah ... I really need a break after all the headache with data analysis and writing (rewriting) my annual progress report. One of my closest friends confided in me about her latest development in the Love Department. Gosh!! Being someone who never fall in love, always kena dump by guys and whatnot, I am not the right person to offer her any advice on this matter. Yet, she trust me on that matter. Whatever... I try my best then to search whatever theories that I have taught when I taught the class that the students nick as Kelas Psikologi Cinta. Well... don't get me wrong. There is no such thing as that. If you look at the syllabus, there is nothing directly pointed at that direction. Yet, since I am teaching a subject about human relationship (as if I have successfully applied all that!... duh... I will not be a single anymore I guess if I apply the theories religiously ...) she has this vision of me being the Tok Guru of Love....

Well, first of all, she is smitten with this guy. He is reserved, charming in his own technical way, direct and a bit malu-malu kucing despite his age. My friend and I are in our 30s so this guy is someone that we consider as Just Nice la for our age. Not that young, not that old and he is what I called as Ikan Paus. Ikan Paus? There are reasons behind it (why we have such terms as that). All in all, he seems the perfect guy for her. On top of that, her family is well acquainted with him. So, ok la kan. Yeah..... seems like that at first. With her uncertainties and continuous worries, it can be quite difficult to embark on a journey called To Be In Love.

The only advice that I can think of is, if he really means it, he will show. HOW? Aiyoo.. when it comes to how, it is hard to tell but we can know if we stay focused and be attentive (senang cerita jangan jadi buta dek cinta atau ayat - ayat cinta). When he msg her telling her about his daily routine and all, he is involving her with his life. A good sign. When he replies all her emails (although very short as compared to her lengthy emails), it shows that he cares and appreciates what she does and has done. I can't forget how she freaked out when he asked her to meet him before going back UK. hehehehehehe... panic kawan sekejap...

Luckily it is not a date. To her. The way I see it, it is a date. Formal date. In this case, it is too formal that it was being held in his office. Date ke macam tu?.... Ni date zaman moden ni. Public place might not be a wise choice as both of them hold certain position in the institution. Especially him. With a status like that, with a position like that, to go out and have a simple lunch will draw too much attention. So, to be on a safe side, it is set that they would meet in his office. To make things sooooo wayyy toooo formal, she recorded their conversation (urghh.... her instinct as a researcher is too much I think but it is a good idea... so dalam kerinduan ke apa, boleh dengar balik suara cik abang tercinta - that's what I told her).

Since we came back to UK last two weeks, they have been emailing each other almost every day. Yeah... orang tengah bercinta memang macam tu. Then, tup tup... I heard that they have started msg-ing... wah costly ... if they can afford it, why not kan? Still, despite all of these, she has the feeling of uncertainty and she does not like that. Well, to feel insecure or undcertain about certain things are quite normal. In fact, we have that in whatever things in our life. We are human after all. Lots of err and imperfections.

I told her this simple advice, "If he does not have the slightest intention to court you on a first place, he will not go all this way to impress you". When she play back what she has recorded, she noticed that he flirted with her several times and yet, she did not realize it when he flirted with her. Alamak, kakak... why la u don't flirt back? (Kalau aku dah lama aku flirt balik dengan dia).

I should give her the article by Robert Sternberg on a theory of love. Where did I put that? Darn... Perhaps she can see that all of these while, that guy is really into her.

Day one... first time blogging

All of these while, I have been reading others' blogs. More often than not, I don't even know them. But life is full of wonders and unpredictable things. As an example, while performing umrah last Ramadhan, I met the mom of another blogger, Kak D. Above all places in the world, I met her mom in Mecca whereas all of these while, I havent meet Kak D even once while I am in UK even. Will try to meet her and go midland to visit her (did I promise her mom to pay Kak D a visit after I go back UK?... alamak did I said, "InshaAllah"?). Me from the north east of UK travelling to midland in winter? An idea that I will think extra careful. It is not because of the cold weather. Just lots of pending works that I have to finish before The Supervisor starts to get back to work after her sabbatical leave. Yeah.. I am "free" for the time being. Perhaps that can be used as a justification why I started this blog. I have extra time, people! Or is it an excuse of diverting myself from my study? I do have life, people, other than the so called PhD programme. Yeah, whatever it means.

I know that some of my students (or should I used the term, ex-students since I am on my study leave til 2010) might come across this blog somehow and read whatever I post. Well, if they do, this is a proof that life is more than study. Have fun! (Did I ever tell them that before?) I will try to post funny quips, and stories ... nothing serious stuff about research (if I do, then you know I am in a state of "Dalam jaga, dalam tidur = research") . Now, it seems that I am not in that state yet.

People used to say to me that I am lucky that I am still single while doing my PhD. For me, it is a blessing in disguise that I am still single (I am not self-promoted myself as being single and available here) I can't imagine myself to juggle between study, hubby and kids. I salute who have the abilities to do so. Yeah, instead of scrutinising what I don't have, I should scrutinise what I have. I have the opportunity to go abroad to study. To travel around europe (when I have the money and time). I have unweavering family members and wonderful friends who are always there to support me. What I don't have is just a husband and children. That's not that bad, isn't it? Yeah, I know. Some might say, I will regret saying it later (Menyesal kahwin lambat, nanti lambat dapat anak, lambat la nak bercucu... etc etc etc) The thing is, it is not that I don't want to settle down. It's just finding The Right Man is not easy for me. For others, it is so easy for them.

Hari Raya is something I really look forward to when I was far away from my family. I planned carefully to do my research around the time of Hari Raya just to go back Malaysia and be with my family. It turned out that Hari Raya and to meet family and relatives can be one of my nightmares. I am dreading to hear the "soalan cepu emas" every visit on Hari Raya (buat spoil my raya mood je), "Bila nak kawin? *** pun nak kawin tahun depan." *** aka my 26 years old nephew - my eldest sis's son- is engaged and getting married next year in May. Another "soalan cepu emas", "Masa pergi umrah, tak doa ke kat Jabal Rahmah minta dapat jodoh?" When I went for my umrah, my plan is to do ibadah umrah and although I did pray for my health, wealth and other few things, DEFINITELY marriage is one of them. Itu pun mau tanya lebih-lebih ke?

Thinking back, did I ask specifically for my jodoh? Errrmmm... let me think back. As far as I remember, I did pray for it and for other single friends too. For me, specifically, I imagine The Guy's face every time I recite Rabbana Hablana Min Azwajina Wa Zurriyyatina (til the end). I believe that we have to be specific in what we doa and wish for. The Guy? Did he know that I imagine his face? No. He does not need to know. Yeah, if he reads this (which I don't think so with his busy schedule and stuff) , I did that because I really mean every action that I do and every word that I said and wrote. Hopeless romantic? Nay. I am just being myself. (To my students who took Social Psychology class aka Kelas Psikologi Cinta, I am practising what I taught you guys before) . The thing that I did not teach you guys is, how to "buat muka tak malu" to approach gadis/jejaka idaman. That's not a part of the syllabus. Gosh... If my HoD and Dean know about it, I will be doom. Well, the students were in their final year so I should impart some knowledge, what? The result? When I checked my letters not long after I came back from Durham, I was quite surprise to get wedding invitation cards from my students. Yup... my students who I taught before. Did they apply what I taught them? Gosh... I never know that they will took it seriously when I imparted the "knowledge". SHOOT!! Did some of them recycle some of the love poems that I wrote? Alamak, if that's the case, I can't recycle la all those love poems.

Yeah... life is ..... unpredictable..... Whatever it is, never regrets with those things happen unexpectedly... Cheers!!!!

P/S: His family is coming to UK... SHOOTTTT!!!! My best friend asked me a favor to entertain them while in UK. Adoi... how can I face him after all the things I have done?.... regret that I ever let him know how I feel about him? Never. Just I am so OVER him right now.... gosh... talking about unpredictable things, huh?...