Alhamdulillah....

What was I thinking? I was exhausted from few shopping trips last two days. My mind seems to be wandering about many things. Some seem so surreal to be true or can come true. What are the things that keep bugging me? These are some of the things that I think about while going for the shopping trips.

1) My parents : Mom and dad (this is REAL)
2) Study (this is REAL too)
3) What will happen after I finish my study? What will I do next? How's life after PhD? (still probable)

The first thing that I think about i.e. parents. I don't know why. Perhaps being the youngest I have this youngest-child-syndrome - tak boleh jauh dari ketiak mak bapa. I think and reflect back about how I treat them. Am I a good daughter? I know that I made mak shed her tears for many reasons that some even are very childish and ridiculous. I was stubborn. Being far from them makes me appreciate the time I spend with them more even though it is very short.

Study. I always have this imagination how my viva will be and how hard things could be before I get to that. I like to prepare myself with the worst case scenario by imagining the worst case scenario and what can be done after that (even though I know that I could never prepare myself well). Alhamdulillah, no matter how hard and difficult things can be, I remind myself that it is just a phase and it will pass sooner than I think. It is a phase. Life is a phase in itself. It will pass too.

The post PhD period. What should I do about it? How's my life will be then? To prepare for that, I know there are no preparation enough to prepare myself well. Why should I worry too much about things that will not happen in another two years or so? Yeah right. Should I let things happen just it is and only then do something about it OR should I plan something and work things from there? Which is which? For one thing, to prepare myself, I should change physically and emotionally.

Physical change : Appearance. For that I have invested in good comfortable shoes and for the first time, I bought high heel shoes. I am not a high heel kind of person but it is about to change. I will wear heels more regardless of the occasion. As a start, I will wear my first high heel shoes to my first class. I aim to do so and I can imagine myself on that day, going to the class, entering it and introducing myself to my students. I can imagine the class, the building. Gosh, I do miss teaching! Another thing, I will wear stylish scarf i.e. Tie Rack from time to time with matching shirt and pants. Yup, no more just all baju kurung all weekdays. Especially when I go for the teaching practicum supervision. I can imagine myself sitting on the high chair in a chemistry lab with my Tie Rack tudung, my M&S shirt, a matching Next pants and my Clarks high heels.

Car? I will get myself a new car for my father's convenience. He is using the wheel chair right now and my baby car is too small for his chair. Other thing is, with the predicted financial problem, I want to get myself a house nearby my workplace. I will bring mak and bapa to stay with me and I will hire someone to help me to look after them when I am working. I will make sure I cook for them before I go to work everyday. My mom used to wake up early in the morning to prepare breakfast before I went to school and I can do the same too. Alhamdulillah, my work permits me to have a flexible working hours. Well, not totally 8-5 kind of work as sometime I have to stay back late if I have classes ended at 6pm or 7pm. Yeah, the post graduate classes.

Marriage? I can't imagine myself get married lately. Am I getting old or what? I don't know. Previously, I can imagine day in and day out about being married, having children of my own and grow old with my husband (this is the time when I have someone in mind to be my life partner). Now, I no longer have such imagination no matter how hard I tried. No more imagining cooking for family - hubby and children. The thought of marriage seems harder than studying (I know that for married one, the thought of studying seems harder than marriage itself). Kak I** said that I shouldn't think this way.

Emotionally: I have passed the phase of longing and hoping for that guy to respond. His message that he left at my facebook does not give me any excitement or feeling of blood rushing to the head. I am glad that he does not into me. For one thing, things could be more complicated had I am in a relationship with him. Yeah. He is perfect. Perfect for another woman. I know his mom can detect that I like her son. I know that she wishes that I could be a part of her family. (I can tell the way she promotes him. I don't have the heart to tell her that I have moved on). When I cordially give my becoming popular statement -Rugi siapa tak nak aku-, I know his mom is listening. Now, I will change the statement to - Untung kan siapa yang dapat aku - as it sounds more positive and I know it is a doa. So who knows, I might meet the lucky one sooner than I thought?

There is nothing can be done here, I think. I have prayed. When I did my umrah, I did pray for him. I don't know what the future might bring. I don't think that he will ask for my hand in the future. Susah nak cakap (to early to tell?). If he does, I have an answer stored for him. Yup. No. It is not a Yes. It is not a No either. So what is my answer? When the time has come, it will be known.

I was listening to this song. Don't dream it over (like Crowded House once said). I do agree. Well, life demands sacrifices and challenges me to take risks. Calculated risks. When the time comes, whether I am ready or not, I will face any challenge and take the risk. Nothing else matters.