Just another phase...

I received an email from my eldest sis yesterday telling me that my father is different. Her email:
Bapak semenjak your absence, dia akak rasa macam bertambah teruk nyanyuk nya. Ada sekali tu dia terkincit and the dirt ada kat floor and ada kat carpet ruang dapur. Just before that si Hadif tu ada makan cokolat. So thinking that it might be cokolat, akak pun ambil tisu and kesat and lepas tu sniff at it. You know what, akak satu hari tekak kembang je, loya macam nak muntah.

I know my sis tried her best to help around the house. She made a promise with my mom to stay with them (my parents). Being the eldest, I know that it must be hard to make such sacrifice. She sacrifices her career as an engineer long time ago. Being the youngest with a gap of twenty years, I know that I can't make such sacrifice myself. Being a single, I need to have a career to support myself and my parents. I have a little conversation with her when I was back in Malaysia last time. She knows that and she offers her full support that I should have a career. Even though I am a student now, this is my career too because I got the scholarship to study. This is my career for now.

I had enough crying all night long yesterday. I called my senior in Bristol. Upon hearing her voice, I just couldn't help myself from crying. I can't say a word even. I just cried my heart out. She also cried a bit. We talked for a little while. With me crying like mad, little can be said. She passed the phone to Kak E***. I know Kak E*** also lost her father not a long time ago. I always regarded them as my big sis while in UK. They remind me of my eldest sis. With Kak E***, I don't know. She makes me feel comfortable and welcome every time I go to Bristol. Upon hearing Ka E***'s voice, I cried again for the next couples of minutes. I don't know why that I can't confide such thing with my housemates or friends in Durham. They are nice and understanding but the chemistry just isn't there. Kak E*** suggested that I take wudu' and pray. Read the Qur'an after that. She suggested me to read some of the surah in the Qur'an. I did that. I feel much better afterwards. I feel more calm when I woke up this morning. I know that I can't be worried this much. I will break my mom's heart if she knows that I am so worried about my father.

I am lucky to have friends who care. One of my friends said, "aku yakin masa ayah ko hantar last year, dia hantar anak dia ..i bet he's so proud of you and he is praying that u'll be home someday with day piece of paper..so u got to move on..for his sake..u have to be strong"

I have to be strong. This is my challenge. Dugaan masa buat PhD ni. I know that it is not easy if anything happen to him. I have this conversation before with Abg M***. He lost his mom while doing his PhD. He was in US at that time. He didn't come back when he received the news. After all, he said it is something that he has expected. Just sooner than he has expected. He has his family when he received the news. Me? I am alone. He said that when the time has come, I will know what I should do when I asked him how should I prepare myself for such thing. It is true that things will happen no matter what. Kalau dah termaktub dalam ketentuanNya, tak akan ada apa yang dapat melambatkan atau mencepatkan kejadian.

It is true that life goes on no matter what. I have to be strong. It is hard. No doubt about that. Being single or if I have a husband or family of my own won't change a thing. I should be grateful. I am single. What if I am married and carrying a child? Tak lagi trauma ke?

The grass always look greener when it is on the other side. I should be thankful with what I have. I have to sacrifice. If getting a PhD will challenge me to sacrifice a lot, take whatever risk that may lie ahead..... I will face the challenge bravely. I am sad now. I will allow myself to cry like mad today, to whine, to scream, to laugh, to act like a mad person..... Just TODAY. I will be a better person tomorrow. After all, life is ................