Have to take a break from transcribing. Hearing my own voice again and again is "killing" me. So here I am updating my blog.
Had a terrible jet lag. Had a spinning headache the last two days. Alhamdulillah, I no longer have that headache today and that's why I continue transcribing my interview.
Going back to UK this time around is not easy. In fact it is harder than when I first came here in 2007. Why? At that time, my dad is still healthy. He remembers me. Now, not only he's no longer remember me as his youngest child, he treats me like a stranger. I no longer can touch him like I used to. It's hard. When I want to go to the airport, I want to kiss his hand. He refused my hand. He does not want me to touch him. I want to cry but I held my tears from rolling because I don't want my mom to see me crying. It will make her sad, I am crumbling inside and it is hard to pretend.
Mak can sense something amiss. She asked me if I have salam bapa. I just told her that bapa does not want me to salam him. She tried to console me. I am beyond the consolable state. I kept quiet.
Before that I am quite pissed off when I can't find the scale that I use to weight my bag. My bro-in-law used it. I mumbled something and unconsciously uttered "Bodoh". I am referring to myself who are so "bodoh" to keep everything to the last minute. I should have packed my things a day earlier but I don't do that. The thing is, I have my last interview session that morning. Then I went to UO to buy batik shirt for Steve aka kekasih gelapku aka 2nd supervisor.
The thought of extending my study seems no longer a possible option. I can't be selfish. I have to finish my study on time. Meaning next year, around this time, I will already have my viva or will have my viva somewhere in July/August and not later than that. Can I do it? I know I can. If Yed knows about it, Yed will be d*** furious. After all, when I met him, he told me that I should explore the "world" other than what I am doing.
My niece, Sab is getting married end of this year. I don't know if I should go back for her wedding. The wedding will be held in December, around xmas break. I think it is ok since the school will be closed and my supervisors will be away for the holiday. Checked the airline fares. Ya Allah, it is beyond my budget. Wish that there is an alternative. I hope that there will be some promotion later on.
My sis told me that Sab said that if I am not around during her wedding, there will be no person to take her pictures. I feel sad when my sis told me that. I want to go back. I told my sister that if the ticket fare is cheap, I will definitely be back and since it is xmas holiday, it does not hurt if I take a break too. Just a quick break to go back. Strictly for the wedding. I know some people might say that I come back too often. "UK dengan Malaysia tu macam balik kampung KL ke JB je ek?"... Dread to hear that kind of statement. Urgh... I asked my sis-in-law for her opion. She said that family matters always come first. And pedulikan la apa orang nak cakap... after all, it is my money. yeah... I am using the scholarship. So their money, the taxpayers.
Again, it is an event that I don't want to miss. InshaAllah I will be back. After all, I will not be back this coming raya. I need to see my parents as often as I could. I think I can manage that.
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Justin aka the landlord will come today. I think I will extend the rent until next year. Even though it will only be me and K**, I guess we can afford the rent. InshaAllah. For that, I will make sure that I will have my viva before Sept 2010. I will finish my study on time. I don't have much choice here. Apparently. If not, the other option will be staying at the hostel. If that's the case, it will be hard. It is almost unthinkable. So, I will finish my study on time no matter what. Fullstop.
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