This is my mom. This picture is taken on my nephew wedding day. She looks fragile. She has this on-off fever starting from mid May. Yup, when we went to KL for the nikah, she was left with Bapa, my sister and her family (hubby and Hadif) and my brother who came back with his family from KL to accompany my parents. Mak is so used of having Kakak with her and thus, she overtaxing herself and thus fell sick. It worries me. Things like this clearly break my heart.I tried to be strong and put a "macho" and strong face in front of her. I don't show her that I am crumbling inside. Ya Allah, I am going back to UK next Saturday. Seems that there are lots of things need to be done. Key in, transcribing... argh... and as well as interviews. Just couples more. Met with Kak D***** last Tuesday. She did her PhD using qualitative method and primarily her data based on interviews. She told me that actually, I can stop once the emerging themes have saturated. Like her, she only have 4 interviewees. She told me that there is no point of continuing the interviews since things are already saturated. Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah I realise this at this critical point. I don't want to sound like a pessimist. Unless I can get one person to be interviewed per day until next Friday, then I might get more than enough samples. I have interviewed 4. Another 2 will be interviewed next week.
Another challenge is, I haven't heard about my future MIL aka 1st supervisor. Is she alright? I am a kind of worried that she doesn't reply my email at all. Lately, I can't get accessed to DUO. Arghhh... I think I have to email her again using yahoomail.
Ops... why am I rambling about my future MIL? Back to my story about my mom.
I brought her to the optician. I need to change the glasses. Arghh.. penangan PhD. It is about time to have hers change too.
Of lately, I notice that she is not the way she used to be. She is so thin. She no longer sews. Her short-sightedness? She doesn't mention about it. Not even once. I saw her, one day, holding her kain batik. She traced the trims and tried to figure out the pattern with her fingers. Ya Allah, I am so "bodoh". I feel bad. How come I don't even aware about it? So, I brought her to go out on a pretext to go to JJ to take my pictures that I sent for print earlier. She seems happy. Alhamdulillah. I am blessed to have enough money to lavish her with things. She doesn't know that her glasses cost more than RM200. I am sad when she hesitated to try on the glasses (to chose the frame). What really breaks my heart is when she said that she didn't bring any money to pay for the glasses. I know that she does not want to burden me. She knows that I am a student now (she does not know that I still have my monthly salary even though I am on my study leave). I am sad when I know that her old glasses only cost RM150 whereby, here I am wearing glasses that cost almost three time than the price! She likes her new glasses. Now, I can hear her reciting the Qur'an after Maghrib.
"Dja, tak nak ajak bapa masuk ke? Ni dah maghrib." Mak called as I am typing this. Has to stop for a while. So, what's happened? Coxing my dad to go inside since it's already maghrib. He refused. I called my niece, N**** to help me to hold his other hand. I just can't imagine when some people accused us of not taking care of him well. They also have the nerve to accuse my mom as selfish since she does not sleep in the same room with my father anymore. The reason is, my dad will wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reasons. He will disturb my mom. In the end, my mom will suffer of not having enough sleep. So, as a result, they have different room. My dad's is special since it has a bathroom as well. It is for his convenience. To that people, I try my very best with what I have to make sure that I fulfill my duty as their daughter. The very best even though I am far from them.
My mom is getting frail. I can see that. She is no longer can follow our conversation well. I don't blame her. I just feel so sad that I can't do much to help her. Ya Allah, please give me the strength to face this challenge.
It sadden me with the fact that I will be in UK for another year and I will not come back until I finish my study. It is hard. I think that I will do like what Lutfi's did. I will save my money a bit and make it a point to go back next year if I extend my study to another semester.
Mak, I will do my very best not to extend my study even though I want it. If I do extend it, I will make sure that I will have my viva before June 2010 so that I will be back early 2011. About the convocation? I guess that I can always come back to UK just to attend it. It's not a burden at all. I pray that both of you are blessed with good health to see me wearing the crimson robe. Amin
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