Nisfu Sya'ban

Three years ago, my grandma passed away on this day. Yup, it was the 15th of Sya'ban. At that time, I was staying with Mak Hai (she took care of Nyayi) and I saw her everyday without fail before and after I came back from work. I still remember vividly that her diapers have finished and Bibik told me about it. (Bibik is a nice lady and she never demands anything from me especially). I bought her diapers at JJ three days before she left us. The diapers? My aunt gave the leftover to Kakak (for bapa).

When I saw Kakak's message, my mind just cannot be helped from not going back to the fateful day, three years ago. I heard the news when I was in Ulu Sepri. Since I didn't drive there myself, I can't go back to JB immediately. In fact, I stayed throughout the whole programs (BTN). I feel sad. Yet, at that time, I redha with what has happened and with the fact that I can't see her for the last time. The last time I saw her was on Wednesday (the day before she passed away). She was buried on Friday.

When I heard the news from Kakak, I am asking myself, will I be as strong as I was when receiving the news? This time around, it is about bapa. Will I be strong? Kak N***** and Kak A** in Bristol suggested that I should go back. I don't know. I want to go back. But, I remember what my mom told me last June when she sent me off at the airport. No matter what happened, I have to be strong and finish my study here. I know it will break my mom's heart to see me worrying. I always put a strong face in front of her. I want her to depend on me. As a person who she can depend on, I cannot show that I am weak. I am strong, so she can depend on me. She always confide in me about many things. I make it a point to bring her out even for a while when I was in Malaysia. The thing is, since bapa's condition is deteriorating, she feels that it is not right for her to go out and have time of her own. She always thinks about bapa's needs first over her own needs. That's why when I brought her to make a new glasses, she is so happy. I intend to bring her to eat out too but she refused. Telling me that she has left bapa for a quite long time. Yup, 2-3 hours seems very long to her. Even though at that time Kakak was at home, she feels guilty to leave bapa with Kakak.

I feel guilty to be here in UK. I know I have to study and whatnot yet being far away from them really "challenge" me in many different ways. Ya Allah, keredhaanMu aku pohon dan berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi cabaranMu. Tetapkanlah Imanku dan matikanlah aku dalam ketaatan kepadaMu, Ya Allah. Amin.

Tersentap sekejap

Checked my YM msg and found this msg from my sister.

Kakak (03/08/2009 15:45:57): just to say bapak dah tak selera nak makan
Kakak (03/08/2009 15:46:16): dan banyak tak gerak2 dah

I haven't checked my emails and whatnot for more than two weeks. Been a trip to Europe. I had planned it last year and to cancel things at the last minute seems not a wise move. So, I had it a go and off I went to Europe. I sent postcards from Europe to my family and I had this weird feelings that I can't ignore. My instinct is right all along. Bapa's condition is deteriorating.

Crying won't solve anything. I could act recklessly if I want. Rushing to buy the ticket back home. It is a choice. Will I do it?

This is hard. Harder than I thought. Will I be able to face it? Ya Allah, berilah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapinya bila sampai waktunya. Amin