Grief and bereavement ... phase 4

Today is Friday. I know that I am not supposed to do it yet I am doing it anyway. Yup, counting the days since bapa passed away. I know it is not healthy yet I am doing it anyway. I count the days to remind myself of him as well as how short life is.

My mind is pretty preoccupied with research. Although I am still doing the transcribing, yet when I got the book that I bought from Amazon yesterday, I haven't do any transcribing today. I am really got hooked up with this book. It is about thematic analysis of qualitative data. Kak N***** told me about it and I bought it last Monday. I got it yesterday. I told Zac about it and before I know it Nihra (who is down under in New Zealand) also got interested with the book within a day! The power of networking. I told Zac because she is also doing something about mixed method research. Thematic analysis is one of the ways to analyse qualitative data. There are other methods. I intend to use it because it suits with the type of data that I have.

The book was well written and as if the author is having a conversation with me aka the reader. Zac told me that the book is rather "old" and thus it could be obsolete. My justification is since Boyatzis is The Man in thematic analysis, it would be unfair to leave him out from any discussion about thematic analysis. Thematic analysis was developed from what psychologists used in their thematic apperception test (TAT). In this sense, it was developed to analyse research data rather than data from psychological therapy. David McClelland was The Man in the creation of TAT. I told Zac, it would be helpful if we know a wide array of methods that we can use for qualitative analysis, just in case we might be asked by the examiner during our viva later on.

Alhamdulillah, I have such friends to share such information. I am blessed that I found such people in this journey as this journey would be much harder had I not have them as my friends. We can talk, we can argue, we can "kutuk" each other without hurting each other feeling because even though we might have our differences yet we know that we will be there for each other without fail.

I wonder if trust is given or we earn it. We expect that people give their trust to us. We think that we might deserve to earn it. Yet, what make people trust or earn trust from others are based on subjective matter.

I trust people when they don't have anything to hide. They are true to their self. Most of the time, from my thematic analysis of people behavior, some people are so afraid to open up (even though they say that they are open minded and easy going type of people). They expect that other people to understand them whereby they themselves do not understand what they want or need on a first place. In short, they are having what we termed as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance can account for the psychological consequences of disconfirmed expectations. We have it most of the time. Just the most important is what we do with the cognitive dissonance that we experienced. Active and optimistic approach to overcome the cognitive dissonance are healthy for one's psychological state.

I am not talking about spirituality here because I believe spiritual health comes from spiritual activities or ibadah (and since every single act is an ibadah, our spiritual state is always at stake).

Coming back to the subject matter of trust, do I trust myself? Trust is different from confidence. I might feel confident about myself, my ability, yet do I trust myself? One might feel hurt due to the fact of not being trusted. My stand is I don't care much if people trust me or not. What matter most how I trust myself. People's trust are subjected on their preferences and perhaps social values that might be different from mine. So, it is something which is beyond my control. I can't control what people believe, don't I? I trust myself that I will be true to myself no matter what. Thus, I will be true to other people around me. If some of them feel that I am not true to them, it is their stand that I will respect. I don't need people to understand me. To understand myself is a challenge in itself that I have to struggle with. Thus, to understand others is another challenge that I should not care too much about it. After all, I have so many things to handle at the moment. Cheers!

Grief and bereavement ... phase 3.5

Saw Sab's graduation pictures (Sab is my niece, 2nd child of my eldest sis). How time flies! Then I saw my bro-in-law aka his abah wore a familiar batik shirt. It's one of my late dad's favorite batik shirt. The very one I bought for him when I started working at UTM. I still remembered the conversation that bapa had with Pak Cik Karim about his children when he wore the shirt during raya 2005. He complained to Pak Cik Karim that his children seldom bought him anything. Then, I pointed out to him and Pak Cik Karim, that the batik shirt , the pants and also the shoes that he's wearing at that time were bought by me. Then he smiled saying "Baru ni je dia belikan". Pak Cik Karim knowingly gleefully smiled. Yeah. He knows his elder brother well.

Seeing the shirt made me shed tears. I miss him. I miss to hear his complaint. I miss it when we had our argument about his dietary. I miss to hug him. I miss everything about him.

Thinking back, Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with the chance to see him alive for the very last time when I rushed back last August. To stay at the hospital with him was a priceless experience. I am quite surprise that I don't feel tired at that time even though I did lots of things ... rushing here and there. I am blessed too with the fact that I am still single. Had I were married at that time, with little tots on tow, it will be harder. Kakak was also blessed with such understanding hubby and the fact that her kids are above 20s. Ayang (her youngest child) is studying at UTM. 3rd year. How time flies! I still remember when she was in her 1st year. She does not want to be seen with me.

Like what Kak N***** said, at least I have done my part well. There are nothing to regret. Had I come back a bit later than I did, I might not be able to see him for the last time. Had I wait Kak Ani and family to come to Durham, I might not be able to take turn with kakak to accompany him at the hospital. I have nothing to regret. I am blessed that I have nothing to regret. Alhamdulillah.

Looking back, the timing was right. It's perfect. Alhamdulillah.

Even though A*** wasn't in Durham anymore when I came back to UK. I am glad that I had spent meaningful and wonderful time before I rushed back. I am glad that she was there to accompany me. I am lucky, indeed.

I am blessed to have wonderful people around me. Alhamdulillah, K** and S******* are here as my housemates. I am blessed that I am not staying alone.

Grief and bereavement ... phase 3

Had a good cry with Kak N***** over the phone. It was therapeutic. She made me realize many things that I overlook. Thanks for being there for me. I need this kind of people to help me go through this phase successfully.

I know that I can be aloof to some people who care about me after I lost my dad and have good intentions by asking me about him and my well being, but the thing is I don't wish to share with them about my feeling for many reasons. Being sympathetic is not what I need. I need someone who empathize. Empathic people are people who always be there for you no matter what. Little things count along the way. Sometime it is not about asking how I am doing matter most, but rather being there when I need them most without me asking.

Some people show that they care but in actual fact, they don't give it a damn about you. They say, they care, they show, they care but instinctively, deep inside you, you know otherwise. They don't care about you. All that they care is about themselves i.e. how they have to cope with you who might change emotionally after your loss.

Psychologically, when people deal with loss of someone in the family, more than 50% of that person will change. Sometime the changes are not that visible. Yet, that person is changed.

I know that there are certain things have changed after I lost my dad. My views on certain things definitely have underwent some transformation. Do I like the new me? Yes, I am.

Grief and bereavement ... phase 2

Here I am, back in UK after nearly two months in Malaysia. I tried not to cry in front of mak when she sent me off at the airport. Seeing her waving her hand as I entered the departure hall really breaks my heart. I didn't cry when I hugged her but seeing her hand from afar, I cried. I continued to cry even on the plane. To make it not too obvious, I put a handkerchief on my eyes and only then I cried. I guess the passenger seating beside me can notice that I am crying, but with his understanding look, I can guess that he can sense that I am sad. Thanks for not asking what makes me sad. It is comforting to know that he cares yet not asking too much about it.

The nearly 20 hours journey to UK really feels so long. I can't sleep like always, yet I don't have any mood to watch any movie or listen to any song on the plane.

Things inside my room are still as it is as I left it. Seeing bapa's pictures on the wall makes me cried again.

Abg Zul and Kak Ila fetched me from the airport with Nadia and his dad. I was in Nadia's car since Abg Zul's car is full. I can't help from not crying when they asked me about my dad. I am becoming such a cry baby these days! I said to myself and others that I am ok. The reality is, I am not THAT ok in a real sense. This is just a phase.

I went to visit him with mak and kakak on Friday, a day before I left. Did a tahlil led by kakak after we recited surah Yassin. Mak was still sad. It seems that every single things that we do are under her scrutiny. She is also very high strung. It is hard to understand what's going on her mind at most of her time. I pray that kakak will be strong and patient to take care of her. I can't wait to finish my study ASAP. I wish that I could stay longer to accompany her.

I am still having the jet lag. Arghh... it's already 1020am (UK time) and just 520pm (Malaysian time). Yet, I am feeling light headed..... I will continue this entry...