Kakak: mak masih x lalu makan
Me: nurul dah mula lum kemas bilik mak
Kakak: it seems that penyakit ni on the rise
Kakak: hari ytu kat klinik ade budak 8 thn
Kakak: then ade budak 18 thn
Kakak: TB kelenjar pulak
Me: i c
Kakak: mak kena ni
Me: area apa?
Kakak: so symtoms like batuk x de
Kakak: mak ken paru2
Kakak: yg jelas nye paru2 lah
Me: i c
Kakak: besok kena pi klinik tiram
Me: then dia masih kurus mcm dulu la ek
Kakak: lg kurus
Me: cannot be
Kakak: dengan dia x lalu nak makan i x tahu nak buat ape
Me: masa i balik memang dia dah kurus
Kakak: kalu dia x ade selera makan dlm 2,3 hari ni may be kena pi hospitalised
Me: ok
Me: then nanti
Me: kena masuk ward tb tu ke
Me: yg dulu mak hai masuk tu
Me: ingat tak?
Me: u n i pi melawat dia
Kakak: masa tu dia kena TB ke?
Kakak: or paru2 berair
Me: not sure
Me: tapi kan masa tu
Me: ward dia kecik je
Me: dekat dengan ward bersalin yg lama yg kat belakang tu
Me: tak sampai lagi ward atas bukit tu
Kakak: dekat dengan asrama jururawat ke?
Me: rasanya la
Kakak: i belum lg cakap ngan mak
Kakak: kalu dia x lalu makan dia may be hospitalised
Kakak: i rasa lebih baik nurse or doctor yg cakap
Me: yeah
Me: better that way
Kakak: dgn ubat2 yg pahit gile tu you can easily give up
Me: ye la
Kakak: i dah beritahu you kan
Kakak: yg halim ade call mak
Me: bila?
Me: u ckp abg midi yg call
Me: last week
Kakak: then after midi lah
Kakak: this i specially ask halim to call mak
Kakak: ask her to try and eat
Kakak: coz she told halim everything pahit
Kakak: even her breath
Kakak: her pillows
Kakak: bed sheet
Kakak: so she ask mana nak lalu makan
Me: then
Me: kan i ada beli
Me: yg linen punya spray tu
Me: sembur sikit2 la
Me: kasi wangi ke apa
Me: then
Me: bed sheet bau pahit?
Me: dia je kot yg rasa mcm tu
Kakak: exactly
Me: then dah dapat air purifier?
Kakak: its all in the head
Kakak: dah
Me: berapa harga?
Kakak: RM2200
Kakak: 200
Kakak: sori
Me: tak mahal
Me: beli kat mana?
Me: JJ ek
Kakak: giant
Me: i c
Me: jenis yg mcm kipas ke
Me: atau yg mcm wap tu
Kakak: yes
Kakak: macam kipas
Me: i c
Kakak: pakai ioniser
Me: kecik la sikit dari abg halim punya ek?
Me: i c
Kakak: nak tau lg
Kakak: nak tau lg pasal ape mak cakap
Kakak: dia cakap ngan halim dia x bole makan
Kakak: x lalu sungguh
Kakak: then halim cakap kalu x makan bole mati
Kakak: mak cakap dia redha mati
Kakak: then halim cakap itu macam bunuh diri
Kakak: sbb tak ikhtiar
Me: napa mak putus harap mcm tu
Me: dia tak kesian ke dengan i ni
Kakak: mak macam man pun kena ikhtiar makan
Kakak: kita tak lah cakap dia putus harap
Kakak: thats why i ask halim to call
Kakak: sbb ngan halim dia dengar cakap
Kakak: ngan i dia nak marah je
Kakak: tapi i tak le cakap kalu dia x makan bole mati
Kakaki: i x sampai hati
Me: mak tak kesian ke kat i ni
Me: jgn la buat mcm tu
Me: nanti la i beli kad phone esok
Me: nanti i call mak
Kakak: i kat sini tengok penderitaan dia
After the chat, I was feeling down, like always. Was, so it means as I am writing this, I am feeling not that down as I know that I can't let my emotions go down the hill like that. I need to stay focused and be rational no matter what.
I bought the phonecard and called home. Told kakak about it first so that she can tell mak before I called mak. When I called home, mak sounds so frail. Hearing her frail voice really breaks my heart. I did cried but I control my voice so that I will sound less depressing myself. I have to show that I am ok here and thus, she does not need to worry about me.
Been preoccupied with the statistical analysis this week. Dealing with numbers and whatnot really wear me down. By the end of the day, I have little energy to think about my sadness or to imagine unnecessary things. Alhamdulillah, I am physically healthy. Cognitively? I am still aware about my sanity and insanity. Not aware of it is dangerous.
My best friend told me that it is good to have a good laugh once a while after we have done crying. It is to balance our emotion. Yeah right. Well, at this stage, what I can do is pray for the best, hope for the best and do the best I can for every single thing that I do. It is hard to balance all things but it is not impossible.
Tomorrow, it is a better day than today!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thanks for making my day a better day ....
I know that I am not supposed to do this but anyway, I just did it. Think about it then what a heck! I have nothing to lose or gain... so I sent this to his FB inbox
Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....
All the best in your life....
Then before I know it, he replied...
Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!
WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!
Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....
All the best in your life....
Then before I know it, he replied...
Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!
WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
MGDC ...
I am busy. No doubt about it. It seems that there are so many steps that I have to do with the qualitative analysis. Tedious work. Yet I have to do it painstakingly one by one with full TLC so that I will not miss a thing.
Basically these are the phases that I have to undergo for the thematic analysis. If the case is not that complex, with only a datum to deal with, it will not take me that long to analyze. Having more than 5 participants plus the written answers that I have to code, it will definitely take time. One thing at a time.
1. Familiarizing myself with the data (transcribing, reading, translating, re-reading, noting down initial ideas)
2. Generating initial codes.
3. Searching for the themes
4. Reviewing the themes
5. Defining and naming themes
6. Producing reports
I am still in the first phase. Going to the second phase slowly... bit by bit....
Meanwhile, I am diverting my attention from my data by writing a paper that I want to present in Glasgow in January next year. I told my SV previously that I want to present paper when I am in my 2nd year or 3rd year. When I have data to present. I never present any paper even at departmental level. Just had presented a poster thingy last year. It seems so long time ago. *sigh*
So, I am challenging myself to do something that I am not used to do. I know that it is not a big deal to present in a colloquium .... yet I want to give it a try. Haven't told my SV about it but I am going to do it anyway. I don't think my SV will disapprove it. As long as I am still doing my work, taking a break from writing to presenting paper should be okay.
I am also challenging myself to finish reading books that I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and adding up my knowledge to other things non related to my research. I have finished reading Oliver Sack's book, The island of the color-blind and cycad island and also another book by Howard Engel's book, The man who forgot how to read. Even though it is not that easy to understand such abnormal phenomena... yet I find that it is very humbling to realise that there are many things that I take for granted all these while. A simple task as reading or writing my own name and reading what I have wrote is so easy. Yet, if Allah takes the ability from me, I don't know how I will survive doing PhD without the ability to understand what I have written as I can only write, but not read. This is what happened to Howard when he has stroke and as a writer, it is frustrating when you can write down your thoughts but not able to understand what you have written. With Sack's book, I have read it long time ago. It is about color-blind people and how certain food can alter our genetic code that lead to such disorder. Yet, people who are color-blind and living with the whole population of color-blind might regard people who are not color-blind as peculiar. We are weird in the world of color-blind people. And vice versa.
It shows how societal values are important in determining what is valued and what is not valued. Most of the time, what we understand and how we understand the things around is based on that. In normal condition, people might retaliate the change societal values. It is as if we are losing our identity. As Yed used to say, to lose our identity, to challenge our way of thinking is frightening. Yet, if we don't do that, we will never change. To change means we are taking risk to lose something that we are comfortable with. Are we dare to do that?.....
Basically these are the phases that I have to undergo for the thematic analysis. If the case is not that complex, with only a datum to deal with, it will not take me that long to analyze. Having more than 5 participants plus the written answers that I have to code, it will definitely take time. One thing at a time.
1. Familiarizing myself with the data (transcribing, reading, translating, re-reading, noting down initial ideas)
2. Generating initial codes.
3. Searching for the themes
4. Reviewing the themes
5. Defining and naming themes
6. Producing reports
I am still in the first phase. Going to the second phase slowly... bit by bit....
Meanwhile, I am diverting my attention from my data by writing a paper that I want to present in Glasgow in January next year. I told my SV previously that I want to present paper when I am in my 2nd year or 3rd year. When I have data to present. I never present any paper even at departmental level. Just had presented a poster thingy last year. It seems so long time ago. *sigh*
So, I am challenging myself to do something that I am not used to do. I know that it is not a big deal to present in a colloquium .... yet I want to give it a try. Haven't told my SV about it but I am going to do it anyway. I don't think my SV will disapprove it. As long as I am still doing my work, taking a break from writing to presenting paper should be okay.
I am also challenging myself to finish reading books that I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and adding up my knowledge to other things non related to my research. I have finished reading Oliver Sack's book, The island of the color-blind and cycad island and also another book by Howard Engel's book, The man who forgot how to read. Even though it is not that easy to understand such abnormal phenomena... yet I find that it is very humbling to realise that there are many things that I take for granted all these while. A simple task as reading or writing my own name and reading what I have wrote is so easy. Yet, if Allah takes the ability from me, I don't know how I will survive doing PhD without the ability to understand what I have written as I can only write, but not read. This is what happened to Howard when he has stroke and as a writer, it is frustrating when you can write down your thoughts but not able to understand what you have written. With Sack's book, I have read it long time ago. It is about color-blind people and how certain food can alter our genetic code that lead to such disorder. Yet, people who are color-blind and living with the whole population of color-blind might regard people who are not color-blind as peculiar. We are weird in the world of color-blind people. And vice versa.
It shows how societal values are important in determining what is valued and what is not valued. Most of the time, what we understand and how we understand the things around is based on that. In normal condition, people might retaliate the change societal values. It is as if we are losing our identity. As Yed used to say, to lose our identity, to challenge our way of thinking is frightening. Yet, if we don't do that, we will never change. To change means we are taking risk to lose something that we are comfortable with. Are we dare to do that?.....
Monday, November 2, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 5
It has been a while since the last time I wrote something here. Been busy with "donkey work" (term invented by Kak N***** to describe the tedious work of transcribing and translating interviews). It is tedious. Wish could employ someone to do it. Been a little moody. Heck... I am always not in my best mood.
I don't know. I need space. All I need to overcome my grief is time and space. Space does not mean literally I need a bigger space. Just I need a "space", a little peace of mind... whereby I don't need people to ask me about my well being. Stop asking me the same thing again and again. Just watch me closely to know if I am okay or not.
If I am keeping things to myself, it could be due to many things unrelated to others. Just be open minded and not too judgmental. Just had a chat with Kak N***** and told her that I find myself very hard to express my feeling lately. It is not that I don't want to share my feeling with others but somehow, from experience I feel that I want to be selective this time.
Told her about my mom. It is really worrying. One thing after another. How am I going to face it? The only thing I can do now is pray that things will be better for my mom. I am far away from her. Even though her condition could be terminal without medication, I pray that she will be cured from that. If Mak Hai can be cured, she also can even though she is older than Mak Hai.
In this state of choleric melancholic, I will enjoy the moment. Enjoy the feeling of being hopeless.... as long as I am still aware of my well being ... I am okay...
I don't know. I need space. All I need to overcome my grief is time and space. Space does not mean literally I need a bigger space. Just I need a "space", a little peace of mind... whereby I don't need people to ask me about my well being. Stop asking me the same thing again and again. Just watch me closely to know if I am okay or not.
If I am keeping things to myself, it could be due to many things unrelated to others. Just be open minded and not too judgmental. Just had a chat with Kak N***** and told her that I find myself very hard to express my feeling lately. It is not that I don't want to share my feeling with others but somehow, from experience I feel that I want to be selective this time.
Told her about my mom. It is really worrying. One thing after another. How am I going to face it? The only thing I can do now is pray that things will be better for my mom. I am far away from her. Even though her condition could be terminal without medication, I pray that she will be cured from that. If Mak Hai can be cured, she also can even though she is older than Mak Hai.
In this state of choleric melancholic, I will enjoy the moment. Enjoy the feeling of being hopeless.... as long as I am still aware of my well being ... I am okay...
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