December

I was stranded at town last Monday (29 Nov). Stayed overnight that L****'s place. Sent kak E*** off to airport. I was feeling feverish and here we go.... I have fever (on off) until Saturday (4 Dec).

Loss appetite. Normal condition for someone with fever. Alhamdulillah, I have enough pills so don't need to get outside to go to the clinic.

At first, I intend to go to the clinic, but I am afraid that I will faint on the way to the clinic. So, I just stay at home.  FB with Zac.  She sounds worried.  Rest assured, I am ok.  Alhamdulillah

It is September

It have been more than 6 months since the last time I wrote something here. Errmm... lots of things happened actually. Well, here we go... a quick summary

March:

1) Zeah's lost her dad a shy two weeks before her big E day. It is hard for her. No doubt. Physically and emotionally, she is affected by it.

2) Got a news for the Paris conference. Paris!!!! Here I come!! Went to Paris and had a blast!

April:

1) S****n lost her dad. It is unexpected. She called me. When she told me that she is glad that we had the little chat when she came in early April, I am speechless!!

2) Something happen in late March and I was diagnosed as having a depression. Learning and teaching those theories about abnormality and whatnot really do not prepare me for the situation and somebody has to point that out straight to my face to make me realize that I am depressed. Called Kak N and told her about it. I started to have small routine before and after I school. I will keep on doing the routine even after I finish studying.

May:

1) Summer loving!!!! Kind of busy with my analysis chapters and Alhamdulillah for everything

June:

1) Conferences: London - Paris - Sheffield

July:

1) Writing up my quali chapters.... yup... I have done something....

August:

1) 3 chapters.... and more to go and edited

2) Ramadhan.... it is a year....

September:

1) Here I am ... it is already September...

2) K** grad last July. She is starting Masters in Sheffield.

3) Kak E*** is my new housemate.

4) Kak N is going to have her viva on 30 Sept and going back for good on 2 Oct. I will miss her terribly!!!! There is no more 'sudden call' every time or any time I feel blue... Ya Allah, I seek Your Guidance to ease our journey ... Aminnn....

That's all...

It's February

Alhamdulillah.... I was not feeling well since last November.... on off fever, coughing, sneezing.... Alhamdulillah.... I am still alive and with the fact that I don't know when I will die, I am grateful with every single breath I take...

Met Shaun after so many months (he went back to collect his data in Thailand). Did similar analysis so I have him to discuss things. Alhamdulillah.

I am still doing the qualitative analysis (I know that I should stop it right now). I am getting more clear (even though still have lots of uncertainty feeling) with the data and quite comfortable with it.

Lots of things have happened. Sab's wedding on Azim's side. Called mak almost every day when she was in KL. She is not feeling well. Selsema dan batuk but with her condition, a simple flu or cough might lead to major thing. There is pointless to worry too much about it. I pray to Allah that she will be ok.

When I called her, she did mention about me of not getting married yet. I know that she is worried about my marital status. After all seeing her three grandchildren got married must trigger something in her mind about me. The thing is, it is ketentuan Allah that I am not married at this time. It is not that I don't want to get married. It is just a matter of time before I get married. I believe in that.

Fiqah's aunt came from Hull. I feel guilty because I didn't entertain her that well since I am so busy doing my analysis (I am in the mood of doing it even though I pushed myself too much until I got sick again). Alhamdulillah.... I have the chance to chat with her and it seems that she is not feeling well too. Durham is too cold for her like Kak N*****, I guess.

A****** went back for a week to surprise her hubby. Such a sweet gesture!!! I think I will do the same if I were her. I** is visiting her bro in Dubai end of February. I am nobody and thus I know that I should not 'menyibuk' to go Dubai for that matter.

Received a great news from Z*** last Sunday (14 Feb). It has nothing to do with Valentine's day. Just a normal day and a holiday due to CNY. Hope to hear more great news from her again this coming March. The Big E day for her. Alhamdulillah...

S***** is coming on this Easter holiday (again has nothing to do with celebrating Easter day just since it is a hoilday, S***** is coming from London to take her stuff). Looking forward for that.

I am still working on the Paris conference kind of thingy... only even if it is just a poster presentation... I pray that I can get that chance...

MGDC and Bonnypack

Went to Glasgow to present paper... 1st paper... went very well.... met people who provide valuable support and information... after all, even though PhD is a solitary journey, sharing and exchanging information with others in the same journey comforts me ... actually, we find comfort in each other company.... Alhamdulillah

It is one of my wishes to meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail..... then who ever thought that Allah Grants my wish!!!! When I asked Bonda about the person who is going to give the first talk... she just passed me a piece of paper, contained lists of presenters...... when I saw his name..... I guess my heart stop to beat for a second!!! Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail? Ya Allah.... I am one of his blog silent readers..... Meeting him, his wife and two kids.... was priceless...

He talked about things that I take for granted.... Life is full with ketentuan and aturan (pre-destined) Allah..... how ever thought that I will have the courage to send the abstract to MGDC... at that time, I was "clueless"... and emotionally unstable due to the grief and bereavement phase that was still prevalent ... at that time...

As I am writing this, I am feeling mush better,...... reciting surah Yassin everyday comforts me... I am looking forward to read it after Maghrib prayer because it is like having a special date ..... can't wait to "re-connect" with my dad through reciting surah Yassin... mentioning his name and my grandparents..... really gives me sense of belonging.... I am after all his daughter.... their granddaughter.... even though, I never met Nyayi Saemah (she passed away when my dad was 8).... yet, I feel the feeling of connectedness when I recite surah Yassin for them....

I don't know if I inherit any of their physical features.... I was told that Nyayi Saemah is a real beauty and same with Nyayi ... both of them were a beauty.... to marry a guy who has nothing (materially) except he was known for his charity and knowledge, it must takes her a real courage to trust her dad's judgment (for Nyayi Saemah).... and for Nyayi, to marry a guy who was older than her by nearly 20 years.... must freak her out... yet due to his good characters that melt her heart, I guess.... every time Mak re-told the story of her dad.... I can sense that she's really adore him... I don't know if I can re-tell similar story about my dad to my kids in the future... bapa was kind in his own way.... just it is kind of hard for him to accept the fact that his children really thrive in their studies and to be educated really freaked him out... even though, none of us are arrogant with what we know due to the education that we have... yet, I can sense that he was not comfortable with us... thus, the clash of understanding... but being him, he would show that he'd really proud of us behind our back....

Who ever thought that I will be born has his daughter? All of these are ketentuan and aturan Allah...

Had a chat with my friend, Wiwi.... she said that she feels inferior when people start to compare their academic achievement with her.... gosh!!! I told her that we cannot feel inferior and at the same time feel superior... rather.... we should feel grateful.... Alhamdulillah.. Allah Blesses us with this kind of life.... to be a Muslim is a blessing in itself... and it is our responsibility to maintain our life as Muslim and be grateful with His Blessing.... it is an amanah to be a Muslim.... Alhamdulillah.... Allah Grants us the bestest for us... even though, we might not know why Allah Grants us... it is pointless to ask why... rather be grateful... Alhamdulillah....

Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail did mentioned about his own experience.... kind of humbling that he came to UK.... to share with us .... it gives me a motivation... PhD is just a phase..... A humbling experience to endure all the challenges while doing this so called PhD... not all are given the chance to be tested this way.... Alhamdulillah

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While I am in Glasgow, people suggested that I should go to Bonnypack.... what is that?.... so kind of asking around the Glasgow people about it... F**** went with me ... oh my.... I ended up buying few more stuff... the usual stuff.... I would rather say... no details needed if you know me.... my fetish.... *sigh*.....

Alhamdulillah.... I got the chance... not only to present, meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail... but also to shop at Bonnypack...

As a result, Alhamdulillah... got severe cough when I am back to Durham.... sleepless night?... u bet!

It has been a while

What have I done? It was snowing heavily for few days which turned into weeks. Kind of morose (did I?). Well, started go to school back even though it is slippery and wet.

Going to Glasgow on 18 Jan. Just want to have a break and present something. Talking about presentation, it has been a while since the last time I present something. Yup. Kind of nervous, anxious.... I will do fine and will enjoy the moment while I can.

Been thinking a lot what will happen in few months. Will I be able to achieve my target? I know that it is still uncertain. I will do the best. The very best. The bestest.

I want to finish thing ASAP. Seems that it's been too long.

Called Mak yesterday. She sounds better. They changed her medication. She is really looking forward to go to KL via Air Asia with kakak for Sabrina's wedding reception (Azim's side). When she told me that my call can make her day, I promise to myself that I will call her as often as I could. In fact, I will call her every week. Or twice a month if I am super duper busy.

Alhamdulillah, it seems that she is getting better when it comes to dealing the loss. I know it is hard for her when it happened. I was affected by it too. It is something that I have to learn.

Life is a process. Yes, indeed.

We decide. We reflect. We choose.

Sometimes, things just happen. Whatever it it, we have to face it and be responsible toward every single action that we do. Kind of simple to say it. To do it, always another different story.

Alhamdulillah. Allah Gives me opportunity to do many things that I could never even imagine 5 years ago. Even though it is hard, I pray that I will pass this phase successfully. I pray hard that I will.