Chat with my eldest sis

Kakak: mak masih x lalu makan
Me: nurul dah mula lum kemas bilik mak
Kakak: it seems that penyakit ni on the rise
Kakak: hari ytu kat klinik ade budak 8 thn
Kakak: then ade budak 18 thn
Kakak: TB kelenjar pulak
Me: i c
Kakak: mak kena ni
Me: area apa?
Kakak: so symtoms like batuk x de
Kakak: mak ken paru2
Kakak: yg jelas nye paru2 lah
Me: i c
Kakak: besok kena pi klinik tiram
Me: then dia masih kurus mcm dulu la ek
Kakak: lg kurus
Me: cannot be
Kakak: dengan dia x lalu nak makan i x tahu nak buat ape
Me: masa i balik memang dia dah kurus
Kakak: kalu dia x ade selera makan dlm 2,3 hari ni may be kena pi hospitalised
Me: ok
Me: then nanti
Me: kena masuk ward tb tu ke
Me: yg dulu mak hai masuk tu
Me: ingat tak?
Me: u n i pi melawat dia
Kakak: masa tu dia kena TB ke?
Kakak: or paru2 berair
Me: not sure
Me: tapi kan masa tu
Me: ward dia kecik je
Me: dekat dengan ward bersalin yg lama yg kat belakang tu
Me: tak sampai lagi ward atas bukit tu
Kakak: dekat dengan asrama jururawat ke?
Me: rasanya la
Kakak: i belum lg cakap ngan mak
Kakak: kalu dia x lalu makan dia may be hospitalised
Kakak: i rasa lebih baik nurse or doctor yg cakap
Me: yeah
Me: better that way
Kakak: dgn ubat2 yg pahit gile tu you can easily give up
Me: ye la
Kakak: i dah beritahu you kan
Kakak: yg halim ade call mak
Me: bila?
Me: u ckp abg midi yg call
Me: last week
Kakak: then after midi lah
Kakak: this i specially ask halim to call mak
Kakak: ask her to try and eat
Kakak: coz she told halim everything pahit
Kakak: even her breath
Kakak: her pillows
Kakak: bed sheet
Kakak: so she ask mana nak lalu makan
Me: then
Me: kan i ada beli
Me: yg linen punya spray tu
Me: sembur sikit2 la
Me: kasi wangi ke apa
Me: then
Me: bed sheet bau pahit?
Me: dia je kot yg rasa mcm tu
Kakak: exactly
Me: then dah dapat air purifier?
Kakak: its all in the head
Kakak: dah
Me: berapa harga?
Kakak: RM2200
Kakak: 200
Kakak: sori
Me: tak mahal
Me: beli kat mana?
Me: JJ ek
Kakak: giant
Me: i c
Me: jenis yg mcm kipas ke
Me: atau yg mcm wap tu
Kakak: yes
Kakak: macam kipas
Me: i c
Kakak: pakai ioniser
Me: kecik la sikit dari abg halim punya ek?
Me: i c
Kakak: nak tau lg
Kakak: nak tau lg pasal ape mak cakap
Kakak: dia cakap ngan halim dia x bole makan
Kakak: x lalu sungguh
Kakak: then halim cakap kalu x makan bole mati
Kakak: mak cakap dia redha mati
Kakak: then halim cakap itu macam bunuh diri
Kakak: sbb tak ikhtiar
Me: napa mak putus harap mcm tu
Me: dia tak kesian ke dengan i ni
Kakak: mak macam man pun kena ikhtiar makan
Kakak: kita tak lah cakap dia putus harap
Kakak: thats why i ask halim to call
Kakak: sbb ngan halim dia dengar cakap
Kakak: ngan i dia nak marah je
Kakak: tapi i tak le cakap kalu dia x makan bole mati
Kakaki: i x sampai hati
Me: mak tak kesian ke kat i ni
Me: jgn la buat mcm tu
Me: nanti la i beli kad phone esok
Me: nanti i call mak
Kakak: i kat sini tengok penderitaan dia

After the chat, I was feeling down, like always. Was, so it means as I am writing this, I am feeling not that down as I know that I can't let my emotions go down the hill like that. I need to stay focused and be rational no matter what.

I bought the phonecard and called home. Told kakak about it first so that she can tell mak before I called mak. When I called home, mak sounds so frail. Hearing her frail voice really breaks my heart. I did cried but I control my voice so that I will sound less depressing myself. I have to show that I am ok here and thus, she does not need to worry about me.

Been preoccupied with the statistical analysis this week. Dealing with numbers and whatnot really wear me down. By the end of the day, I have little energy to think about my sadness or to imagine unnecessary things. Alhamdulillah, I am physically healthy. Cognitively? I am still aware about my sanity and insanity. Not aware of it is dangerous.

My best friend told me that it is good to have a good laugh once a while after we have done crying. It is to balance our emotion. Yeah right. Well, at this stage, what I can do is pray for the best, hope for the best and do the best I can for every single thing that I do. It is hard to balance all things but it is not impossible.

Tomorrow, it is a better day than today!

Thanks for making my day a better day ....

I know that I am not supposed to do this but anyway, I just did it. Think about it then what a heck! I have nothing to lose or gain... so I sent this to his FB inbox

Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....

All the best in your life....

Then before I know it, he replied...

Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!

WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!

MGDC ...

I am busy. No doubt about it. It seems that there are so many steps that I have to do with the qualitative analysis. Tedious work. Yet I have to do it painstakingly one by one with full TLC so that I will not miss a thing.

Basically these are the phases that I have to undergo for the thematic analysis. If the case is not that complex, with only a datum to deal with, it will not take me that long to analyze. Having more than 5 participants plus the written answers that I have to code, it will definitely take time. One thing at a time.

1. Familiarizing myself with the data (transcribing, reading, translating, re-reading, noting down initial ideas)

2. Generating initial codes.

3. Searching for the themes

4. Reviewing the themes

5. Defining and naming themes

6. Producing reports

I am still in the first phase. Going to the second phase slowly... bit by bit....

Meanwhile, I am diverting my attention from my data by writing a paper that I want to present in Glasgow in January next year. I told my SV previously that I want to present paper when I am in my 2nd year or 3rd year. When I have data to present. I never present any paper even at departmental level. Just had presented a poster thingy last year. It seems so long time ago. *sigh*

So, I am challenging myself to do something that I am not used to do. I know that it is not a big deal to present in a colloquium .... yet I want to give it a try. Haven't told my SV about it but I am going to do it anyway. I don't think my SV will disapprove it. As long as I am still doing my work, taking a break from writing to presenting paper should be okay.

I am also challenging myself to finish reading books that I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and adding up my knowledge to other things non related to my research. I have finished reading Oliver Sack's book, The island of the color-blind and cycad island and also another book by Howard Engel's book, The man who forgot how to read. Even though it is not that easy to understand such abnormal phenomena... yet I find that it is very humbling to realise that there are many things that I take for granted all these while. A simple task as reading or writing my own name and reading what I have wrote is so easy. Yet, if Allah takes the ability from me, I don't know how I will survive doing PhD without the ability to understand what I have written as I can only write, but not read. This is what happened to Howard when he has stroke and as a writer, it is frustrating when you can write down your thoughts but not able to understand what you have written. With Sack's book, I have read it long time ago. It is about color-blind people and how certain food can alter our genetic code that lead to such disorder. Yet, people who are color-blind and living with the whole population of color-blind might regard people who are not color-blind as peculiar. We are weird in the world of color-blind people. And vice versa.

It shows how societal values are important in determining what is valued and what is not valued. Most of the time, what we understand and how we understand the things around is based on that. In normal condition, people might retaliate the change societal values. It is as if we are losing our identity. As Yed used to say, to lose our identity, to challenge our way of thinking is frightening. Yet, if we don't do that, we will never change. To change means we are taking risk to lose something that we are comfortable with. Are we dare to do that?.....

Grief and bereavement ... phase 5

It has been a while since the last time I wrote something here. Been busy with "donkey work" (term invented by Kak N***** to describe the tedious work of transcribing and translating interviews). It is tedious. Wish could employ someone to do it. Been a little moody. Heck... I am always not in my best mood.

I don't know. I need space. All I need to overcome my grief is time and space. Space does not mean literally I need a bigger space. Just I need a "space", a little peace of mind... whereby I don't need people to ask me about my well being. Stop asking me the same thing again and again. Just watch me closely to know if I am okay or not.

If I am keeping things to myself, it could be due to many things unrelated to others. Just be open minded and not too judgmental. Just had a chat with Kak N***** and told her that I find myself very hard to express my feeling lately. It is not that I don't want to share my feeling with others but somehow, from experience I feel that I want to be selective this time.

Told her about my mom. It is really worrying. One thing after another. How am I going to face it? The only thing I can do now is pray that things will be better for my mom. I am far away from her. Even though her condition could be terminal without medication, I pray that she will be cured from that. If Mak Hai can be cured, she also can even though she is older than Mak Hai.

In this state of choleric melancholic, I will enjoy the moment. Enjoy the feeling of being hopeless.... as long as I am still aware of my well being ... I am okay...

Grief and bereavement ... phase 4

Today is Friday. I know that I am not supposed to do it yet I am doing it anyway. Yup, counting the days since bapa passed away. I know it is not healthy yet I am doing it anyway. I count the days to remind myself of him as well as how short life is.

My mind is pretty preoccupied with research. Although I am still doing the transcribing, yet when I got the book that I bought from Amazon yesterday, I haven't do any transcribing today. I am really got hooked up with this book. It is about thematic analysis of qualitative data. Kak N***** told me about it and I bought it last Monday. I got it yesterday. I told Zac about it and before I know it Nihra (who is down under in New Zealand) also got interested with the book within a day! The power of networking. I told Zac because she is also doing something about mixed method research. Thematic analysis is one of the ways to analyse qualitative data. There are other methods. I intend to use it because it suits with the type of data that I have.

The book was well written and as if the author is having a conversation with me aka the reader. Zac told me that the book is rather "old" and thus it could be obsolete. My justification is since Boyatzis is The Man in thematic analysis, it would be unfair to leave him out from any discussion about thematic analysis. Thematic analysis was developed from what psychologists used in their thematic apperception test (TAT). In this sense, it was developed to analyse research data rather than data from psychological therapy. David McClelland was The Man in the creation of TAT. I told Zac, it would be helpful if we know a wide array of methods that we can use for qualitative analysis, just in case we might be asked by the examiner during our viva later on.

Alhamdulillah, I have such friends to share such information. I am blessed that I found such people in this journey as this journey would be much harder had I not have them as my friends. We can talk, we can argue, we can "kutuk" each other without hurting each other feeling because even though we might have our differences yet we know that we will be there for each other without fail.

I wonder if trust is given or we earn it. We expect that people give their trust to us. We think that we might deserve to earn it. Yet, what make people trust or earn trust from others are based on subjective matter.

I trust people when they don't have anything to hide. They are true to their self. Most of the time, from my thematic analysis of people behavior, some people are so afraid to open up (even though they say that they are open minded and easy going type of people). They expect that other people to understand them whereby they themselves do not understand what they want or need on a first place. In short, they are having what we termed as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance can account for the psychological consequences of disconfirmed expectations. We have it most of the time. Just the most important is what we do with the cognitive dissonance that we experienced. Active and optimistic approach to overcome the cognitive dissonance are healthy for one's psychological state.

I am not talking about spirituality here because I believe spiritual health comes from spiritual activities or ibadah (and since every single act is an ibadah, our spiritual state is always at stake).

Coming back to the subject matter of trust, do I trust myself? Trust is different from confidence. I might feel confident about myself, my ability, yet do I trust myself? One might feel hurt due to the fact of not being trusted. My stand is I don't care much if people trust me or not. What matter most how I trust myself. People's trust are subjected on their preferences and perhaps social values that might be different from mine. So, it is something which is beyond my control. I can't control what people believe, don't I? I trust myself that I will be true to myself no matter what. Thus, I will be true to other people around me. If some of them feel that I am not true to them, it is their stand that I will respect. I don't need people to understand me. To understand myself is a challenge in itself that I have to struggle with. Thus, to understand others is another challenge that I should not care too much about it. After all, I have so many things to handle at the moment. Cheers!

Grief and bereavement ... phase 3.5

Saw Sab's graduation pictures (Sab is my niece, 2nd child of my eldest sis). How time flies! Then I saw my bro-in-law aka his abah wore a familiar batik shirt. It's one of my late dad's favorite batik shirt. The very one I bought for him when I started working at UTM. I still remembered the conversation that bapa had with Pak Cik Karim about his children when he wore the shirt during raya 2005. He complained to Pak Cik Karim that his children seldom bought him anything. Then, I pointed out to him and Pak Cik Karim, that the batik shirt , the pants and also the shoes that he's wearing at that time were bought by me. Then he smiled saying "Baru ni je dia belikan". Pak Cik Karim knowingly gleefully smiled. Yeah. He knows his elder brother well.

Seeing the shirt made me shed tears. I miss him. I miss to hear his complaint. I miss it when we had our argument about his dietary. I miss to hug him. I miss everything about him.

Thinking back, Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with the chance to see him alive for the very last time when I rushed back last August. To stay at the hospital with him was a priceless experience. I am quite surprise that I don't feel tired at that time even though I did lots of things ... rushing here and there. I am blessed too with the fact that I am still single. Had I were married at that time, with little tots on tow, it will be harder. Kakak was also blessed with such understanding hubby and the fact that her kids are above 20s. Ayang (her youngest child) is studying at UTM. 3rd year. How time flies! I still remember when she was in her 1st year. She does not want to be seen with me.

Like what Kak N***** said, at least I have done my part well. There are nothing to regret. Had I come back a bit later than I did, I might not be able to see him for the last time. Had I wait Kak Ani and family to come to Durham, I might not be able to take turn with kakak to accompany him at the hospital. I have nothing to regret. I am blessed that I have nothing to regret. Alhamdulillah.

Looking back, the timing was right. It's perfect. Alhamdulillah.

Even though A*** wasn't in Durham anymore when I came back to UK. I am glad that I had spent meaningful and wonderful time before I rushed back. I am glad that she was there to accompany me. I am lucky, indeed.

I am blessed to have wonderful people around me. Alhamdulillah, K** and S******* are here as my housemates. I am blessed that I am not staying alone.

Grief and bereavement ... phase 3

Had a good cry with Kak N***** over the phone. It was therapeutic. She made me realize many things that I overlook. Thanks for being there for me. I need this kind of people to help me go through this phase successfully.

I know that I can be aloof to some people who care about me after I lost my dad and have good intentions by asking me about him and my well being, but the thing is I don't wish to share with them about my feeling for many reasons. Being sympathetic is not what I need. I need someone who empathize. Empathic people are people who always be there for you no matter what. Little things count along the way. Sometime it is not about asking how I am doing matter most, but rather being there when I need them most without me asking.

Some people show that they care but in actual fact, they don't give it a damn about you. They say, they care, they show, they care but instinctively, deep inside you, you know otherwise. They don't care about you. All that they care is about themselves i.e. how they have to cope with you who might change emotionally after your loss.

Psychologically, when people deal with loss of someone in the family, more than 50% of that person will change. Sometime the changes are not that visible. Yet, that person is changed.

I know that there are certain things have changed after I lost my dad. My views on certain things definitely have underwent some transformation. Do I like the new me? Yes, I am.