It's term break. I haven't finished with the recoding. Went to NVIVO training on 16 and 17 Dec and I become more confused than ever! It is just matter of time before I get used to the software and I will be fine sooner than I ever imagine.
Then, something happened on 20 Dec and it is not my fault. Yet, people partially blame me because I am doing nothing (I don't know on a first place) and it seems that people (the jiran tetangga) see me as the ketua in this house. I am the oldest and doing a PhD (what's that supposed to mean?!!!)
To make thing short, I was slandered and things got worsen. What I can do is pray to Allah that He will show me whatever evil intentions that person has towards me. Alhamdulillah, even though she's slandering me behind my back, somehow I know about it.
I couldn't sleep for nearly 2 days and I had a headache and feeling light weight (this is not because I lose weight, just it is a feeling due to lack of sleep).
I made a decision, that she has to go. Move out from this house. This house is my sanctuary. I don't need a tensed atmosphere where I can't relax and always on my guard because I don't know what will she do next.
No discussion and negotiation is needed. That's final.
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26 Dec. My niece, Sab got married. Called my mom and kakak a day before the wedding. My mom sounds happy. She has stopped taking the TB medication and she got her appetite back.
Kakak cried when she heard my voice. This is not the kakak I know all my life. She misses me. How she wish that I was there to help around.
I tried to do my work as fast I could. I will finish on time. I pray hard that I will finish on time.
When things happened like this, being slandered and all, I know that I have to be stronger no matter what. I have to be decisive. Even though, it is hard, I need to do this.
If not, I have to bear with Allah's wrath that I don't want to face on a first place.
To face with Allah's wrath or her wrath?
I am more fear of the former than the latter.
That's final. I pray that this is the best decision I make for this problem.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Progress
I don't know and can't tell if I am making any progress at all. After solat subuh, I decide not to go back to sleep. I have a look at others' thesis (yup, I "ciluk" 2 theses from school) and Abg L's thesis (draft). Looking at their theses, it gives me a sense that there is a longggggggggggggg wayyyyyyyyy to go for me to finish. Goose bump. Shiver for few seconds.
Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!
Plan for the week:
1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)
Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.
Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).
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Received an email from Kak Y**
How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.
This is what I replied:
When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.
Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....
Other than that, I am ok.
Thanks for asking
What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.
I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?
I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,
Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.
For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.
For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.
For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.
Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!
Plan for the week:
1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)
Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.
Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).
*************************************************************************************
Received an email from Kak Y**
How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.
This is what I replied:
When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.
Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....
Other than that, I am ok.
Thanks for asking
What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.
I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?
I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,
Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.
For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.
For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.
For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Raya Haji
I have a guest from Bristol this raya. Last raya, I had guests from Malaysia. How time flies! It's been a year already.
Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel
Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.
She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!
When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.
This is what I got from Yed.
So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.
WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.
Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.
Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel
Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.
She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!
When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.
This is what I got from Yed.
So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.
WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.
Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.
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