I am back ...

Have to take a break from transcribing. Hearing my own voice again and again is "killing" me. So here I am updating my blog.

Had a terrible jet lag. Had a spinning headache the last two days. Alhamdulillah, I no longer have that headache today and that's why I continue transcribing my interview.

Going back to UK this time around is not easy. In fact it is harder than when I first came here in 2007. Why? At that time, my dad is still healthy. He remembers me. Now, not only he's no longer remember me as his youngest child, he treats me like a stranger. I no longer can touch him like I used to. It's hard. When I want to go to the airport, I want to kiss his hand. He refused my hand. He does not want me to touch him. I want to cry but I held my tears from rolling because I don't want my mom to see me crying. It will make her sad, I am crumbling inside and it is hard to pretend.

Mak can sense something amiss. She asked me if I have salam bapa. I just told her that bapa does not want me to salam him. She tried to console me. I am beyond the consolable state. I kept quiet.

Before that I am quite pissed off when I can't find the scale that I use to weight my bag. My bro-in-law used it. I mumbled something and unconsciously uttered "Bodoh". I am referring to myself who are so "bodoh" to keep everything to the last minute. I should have packed my things a day earlier but I don't do that. The thing is, I have my last interview session that morning. Then I went to UO to buy batik shirt for Steve aka kekasih gelapku aka 2nd supervisor.

The thought of extending my study seems no longer a possible option. I can't be selfish. I have to finish my study on time. Meaning next year, around this time, I will already have my viva or will have my viva somewhere in July/August and not later than that. Can I do it? I know I can. If Yed knows about it, Yed will be d*** furious. After all, when I met him, he told me that I should explore the "world" other than what I am doing.

My niece, Sab is getting married end of this year. I don't know if I should go back for her wedding. The wedding will be held in December, around xmas break. I think it is ok since the school will be closed and my supervisors will be away for the holiday. Checked the airline fares. Ya Allah, it is beyond my budget. Wish that there is an alternative. I hope that there will be some promotion later on.

My sis told me that Sab said that if I am not around during her wedding, there will be no person to take her pictures. I feel sad when my sis told me that. I want to go back. I told my sister that if the ticket fare is cheap, I will definitely be back and since it is xmas holiday, it does not hurt if I take a break too. Just a quick break to go back. Strictly for the wedding. I know some people might say that I come back too often. "UK dengan Malaysia tu macam balik kampung KL ke JB je ek?"... Dread to hear that kind of statement. Urgh... I asked my sis-in-law for her opion. She said that family matters always come first. And pedulikan la apa orang nak cakap... after all, it is my money. yeah... I am using the scholarship. So their money, the taxpayers.

Again, it is an event that I don't want to miss. InshaAllah I will be back. After all, I will not be back this coming raya. I need to see my parents as often as I could. I think I can manage that.

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Justin aka the landlord will come today. I think I will extend the rent until next year. Even though it will only be me and K**, I guess we can afford the rent. InshaAllah. For that, I will make sure that I will have my viva before Sept 2010. I will finish my study on time. I don't have much choice here. Apparently. If not, the other option will be staying at the hostel. If that's the case, it will be hard. It is almost unthinkable. So, I will finish my study on time no matter what. Fullstop.

Insan yang aku panggil Mak

This is my mom. This picture is taken on my nephew wedding day. She looks fragile. She has this on-off fever starting from mid May. Yup, when we went to KL for the nikah, she was left with Bapa, my sister and her family (hubby and Hadif) and my brother who came back with his family from KL to accompany my parents. Mak is so used of having Kakak with her and thus, she overtaxing herself and thus fell sick. It worries me. Things like this clearly break my heart.

I tried to be strong and put a "macho" and strong face in front of her. I don't show her that I am crumbling inside. Ya Allah, I am going back to UK next Saturday. Seems that there are lots of things need to be done. Key in, transcribing... argh... and as well as interviews. Just couples more. Met with Kak D***** last Tuesday. She did her PhD using qualitative method and primarily her data based on interviews. She told me that actually, I can stop once the emerging themes have saturated. Like her, she only have 4 interviewees. She told me that there is no point of continuing the interviews since things are already saturated. Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah I realise this at this critical point. I don't want to sound like a pessimist. Unless I can get one person to be interviewed per day until next Friday, then I might get more than enough samples. I have interviewed 4. Another 2 will be interviewed next week.

Another challenge is, I haven't heard about my future MIL aka 1st supervisor. Is she alright? I am a kind of worried that she doesn't reply my email at all. Lately, I can't get accessed to DUO. Arghhh... I think I have to email her again using yahoomail.

Ops... why am I rambling about my future MIL? Back to my story about my mom.

I brought her to the optician. I need to change the glasses. Arghh.. penangan PhD. It is about time to have hers change too.

Of lately, I notice that she is not the way she used to be. She is so thin. She no longer sews. Her short-sightedness? She doesn't mention about it. Not even once. I saw her, one day, holding her kain batik. She traced the trims and tried to figure out the pattern with her fingers. Ya Allah, I am so "bodoh". I feel bad. How come I don't even aware about it? So, I brought her to go out on a pretext to go to JJ to take my pictures that I sent for print earlier. She seems happy. Alhamdulillah. I am blessed to have enough money to lavish her with things. She doesn't know that her glasses cost more than RM200. I am sad when she hesitated to try on the glasses (to chose the frame). What really breaks my heart is when she said that she didn't bring any money to pay for the glasses. I know that she does not want to burden me. She knows that I am a student now (she does not know that I still have my monthly salary even though I am on my study leave). I am sad when I know that her old glasses only cost RM150 whereby, here I am wearing glasses that cost almost three time than the price! She likes her new glasses. Now, I can hear her reciting the Qur'an after Maghrib.

"Dja, tak nak ajak bapa masuk ke? Ni dah maghrib." Mak called as I am typing this. Has to stop for a while. So, what's happened? Coxing my dad to go inside since it's already maghrib. He refused. I called my niece, N**** to help me to hold his other hand. I just can't imagine when some people accused us of not taking care of him well. They also have the nerve to accuse my mom as selfish since she does not sleep in the same room with my father anymore. The reason is, my dad will wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reasons. He will disturb my mom. In the end, my mom will suffer of not having enough sleep. So, as a result, they have different room. My dad's is special since it has a bathroom as well. It is for his convenience. To that people, I try my very best with what I have to make sure that I fulfill my duty as their daughter. The very best even though I am far from them.

My mom is getting frail. I can see that. She is no longer can follow our conversation well. I don't blame her. I just feel so sad that I can't do much to help her. Ya Allah, please give me the strength to face this challenge.

It sadden me with the fact that I will be in UK for another year and I will not come back until I finish my study. It is hard. I think that I will do like what Lutfi's did. I will save my money a bit and make it a point to go back next year if I extend my study to another semester.

Mak, I will do my very best not to extend my study even though I want it. If I do extend it, I will make sure that I will have my viva before June 2010 so that I will be back early 2011. About the convocation? I guess that I can always come back to UK just to attend it. It's not a burden at all. I pray that both of you are blessed with good health to see me wearing the crimson robe. Amin

Whoah... it's June....

It has been a while since the last time I wrote something in this blog. Lots of things have happened. To summarize, my nephew got married mid May and the kenduri on his side was held in end of May. In between, I was in UPSI again. Also, I was in UIA, again (this time around, I didn't managed to distribute to the intended students. They are doing their ROS now. What a luck!). I went to Maktab BP and managed to interview one student. Went to MPTI and got back the questionnaire. Interviewed my second participant last week. Set a date for another interview on Tuesday. Tomorrow will have an interview. In between, key in the data (frantically!!!). To amuse myself, fbooking and checking the emails. Replying emails only to selected people. Uploading pictures from my camera (from my nephew's wedding). Settle some family matters..... and before I know it, I only have another 17 days left before I go back to UK. There are so many things need to be settled.

With the interview, well, let's be realistic here. To set a date is another thing. Most of the time, I have to reschedule the session as requested by the interviewees. With the school holiday, it is hard to meet the teachers and set the dates. Have a chat with my seniors. They adviced me that the research I am doing is just a PhD. With limitations (time, monetary budget and whatnot), I have to be realistic. Darn! My supervisor aka MIL knows better. No wonder la when I met her last March, she seems to be surprised when I told her that I want to get 2000++ participants and 12 people to be interviewed. She suggested that perhaps I should do my best. Errr... I am so slow in understanding her hidden message. What does it mean that I should do my best? I am doing the very best right now. Frantically, calling here and there, flirting like mad, coxing people to be my participants in my interview. So far, I managed to get only one male participant. Just that I need to set and confirm again with him the date. I pray hard that he is ok and will not postpone or back off from my research.

I realise that now, to be a researcher, it is not easy. Especially when people belittle your ability, knowledge and your research (that is dear to you). It is a part of the challenges. I am in this journey. Even though there is an option of turning back, that is not the option that I opt for. I will fight and do whatever it takes to make sure, every tear and sweat are worthwhile and blessed by Allah.