Absent minded....

What was I thinking when I make my tea just now? I didn't put any sugar on it. I didn't even realize it on a my first sip. I become so absent minded lately. I am having a bit problem on the focusing department. hehehehe... Yeah... blaming on my brain there.

Kak I** asked me out yesterday. I was in a moody mood yesterday and when she called on a pretext of having research methodology discussion, I just couldn't help myself from not going out. After all, it is good to have someone to accompany me and help me to get myself distracted for a while from thinking about my father. Met A****** while performing solat zuhr at the musolla and after that the three of us went off to Costa to have a nice hot chocolate and sandwich. I just had hot chocolate. I know myself better. If I am stress, sad etc., I tend to get diarrhea easily. Hai, baru je dengan bangganya kata kat diorang berat badan dah bertambah, bila timbang balik semalam turun lagi 2 kg. WHAT???

I am glad that I can help Kak I** with her study. I am not a good student myself when it comes to research methodology but I gain a lot too through discussion and talking to others about research methodology. I am struggling like mad now. I know that I am supposed to work on my report, still apparently I still have time to blog. Yeah yeah yeah.... always the last minute girl! I never a last minute type of person but I find myself that while doing PhD, I become more relaxed. What's happened? I don't know. Finding myself struggling all the times makes me easily get bored or tired of doing the thing I am supposed to do, I think. So, as a result I tend to be a bit lay back due to that.

Had a little conversation with A**, aka my best friend SIL yesterday night. I was so pissed off with her when she gave me all these 1000000000001 excuses of not being able to help with the booking and whatnot. Credit card can't be used, debit card also has similar problem blah blah blah...... On top of that, she complained that the ticket that I bought for my best friends are expensive. She told me that she can get it cheaper. Go ahead and buy it yourself! I just want to say it to her. Being me, I just let it go. There is no point to pick a fight with her. So, I just told her that I did my best to get the best bargain for her SIL and I did consult with my best friend when I wanted to place the booking aka buying the tickets. So, it is after my best friend's approval that I bought those tickets. I was busy myself and with a flu and whatnot, I just don't have the time to go to the train station. Excuse that I used. hahahhaha....

Thinking back, we use excuses many time in our lives. Sometime deliberately, sometime out of our consciousness. Subconsciously use it. Yeah.... sometime we use it to cover our ignorance. Late last night, I had difficulty of sleeping. So, had a little chat with my housemates while Z**** packed her things in small and big boxes. I don't know how the conversation started but suddenly we are talking about sex. Yeah... don't ever trust a girl if she said that she never had any conversation or chat about sex. Having someone that we consider as underage aka under 20, it is quite embarrassing and awkward to talk about it in front of her. But being the most matured aka paling tua of them all, I told them the little conversation that we are having is for educational purposes so that when it comes to The Time, we know what to do.

Suddenly, Z*** asked me about oral sex. With her hand gesture, she said that oral sex is the dirty talk that people have before they have sex. Me and K** (the underage) couldn't help ourselves from laughing like mad. I never thought someone at that age, with that level of education (she is doing her masters) could be so innocent. A*** and Z**** tried very hard not to laugh as loud as me and K**. Well, they are more reserved than me and K**. What surprised us is K** knows what oral sex is all about. Eh... mana dia tau? Mcm mana dia tau? That are some of the questions that we asked among ourselves. K** said that she learned from her biology class. Eh, nowadays they taught sex (even oral sex) in a biology class ek? Wah.... how come my teachers never taught me that when I was in secondary school? Alamak... lupa... I went to Sekolah Menengah Agama. All teachers are very alim one. So we students, are also alim one (or pretend to be one).. hahaha.. I am more the latter than the former. hehehehe... Life is full of surprises when we least expect it.... YES INDEED...

Just another phase...

I received an email from my eldest sis yesterday telling me that my father is different. Her email:
Bapak semenjak your absence, dia akak rasa macam bertambah teruk nyanyuk nya. Ada sekali tu dia terkincit and the dirt ada kat floor and ada kat carpet ruang dapur. Just before that si Hadif tu ada makan cokolat. So thinking that it might be cokolat, akak pun ambil tisu and kesat and lepas tu sniff at it. You know what, akak satu hari tekak kembang je, loya macam nak muntah.

I know my sis tried her best to help around the house. She made a promise with my mom to stay with them (my parents). Being the eldest, I know that it must be hard to make such sacrifice. She sacrifices her career as an engineer long time ago. Being the youngest with a gap of twenty years, I know that I can't make such sacrifice myself. Being a single, I need to have a career to support myself and my parents. I have a little conversation with her when I was back in Malaysia last time. She knows that and she offers her full support that I should have a career. Even though I am a student now, this is my career too because I got the scholarship to study. This is my career for now.

I had enough crying all night long yesterday. I called my senior in Bristol. Upon hearing her voice, I just couldn't help myself from crying. I can't say a word even. I just cried my heart out. She also cried a bit. We talked for a little while. With me crying like mad, little can be said. She passed the phone to Kak E***. I know Kak E*** also lost her father not a long time ago. I always regarded them as my big sis while in UK. They remind me of my eldest sis. With Kak E***, I don't know. She makes me feel comfortable and welcome every time I go to Bristol. Upon hearing Ka E***'s voice, I cried again for the next couples of minutes. I don't know why that I can't confide such thing with my housemates or friends in Durham. They are nice and understanding but the chemistry just isn't there. Kak E*** suggested that I take wudu' and pray. Read the Qur'an after that. She suggested me to read some of the surah in the Qur'an. I did that. I feel much better afterwards. I feel more calm when I woke up this morning. I know that I can't be worried this much. I will break my mom's heart if she knows that I am so worried about my father.

I am lucky to have friends who care. One of my friends said, "aku yakin masa ayah ko hantar last year, dia hantar anak dia ..i bet he's so proud of you and he is praying that u'll be home someday with day piece of paper..so u got to move on..for his sake..u have to be strong"

I have to be strong. This is my challenge. Dugaan masa buat PhD ni. I know that it is not easy if anything happen to him. I have this conversation before with Abg M***. He lost his mom while doing his PhD. He was in US at that time. He didn't come back when he received the news. After all, he said it is something that he has expected. Just sooner than he has expected. He has his family when he received the news. Me? I am alone. He said that when the time has come, I will know what I should do when I asked him how should I prepare myself for such thing. It is true that things will happen no matter what. Kalau dah termaktub dalam ketentuanNya, tak akan ada apa yang dapat melambatkan atau mencepatkan kejadian.

It is true that life goes on no matter what. I have to be strong. It is hard. No doubt about that. Being single or if I have a husband or family of my own won't change a thing. I should be grateful. I am single. What if I am married and carrying a child? Tak lagi trauma ke?

The grass always look greener when it is on the other side. I should be thankful with what I have. I have to sacrifice. If getting a PhD will challenge me to sacrifice a lot, take whatever risk that may lie ahead..... I will face the challenge bravely. I am sad now. I will allow myself to cry like mad today, to whine, to scream, to laugh, to act like a mad person..... Just TODAY. I will be a better person tomorrow. After all, life is ................

Unexpectable... still it happens....

Received The News couples of weeks ago. At that time, I don't think that I care that much. For one thing, The Day that I dreaded most may not come true. After all, it is costly to travel to UK during winter. On top of that, to travel Europe and few places in UK itself, will cost a bomb. For a student like me, I will not burn a hole in my pocket. Unless someone give me a treat and sponsor the expenses. Dalam mimpi la.

My best friend and her family (mom and younger siblings) will come to UK this winter and it is confirmed. Originally, they will go to a place way further than my place in midland. Turn out that the in law is very busy with her things (she is also doing a PhD) and on top of that, her family is also visiting at the same time. Alright la kan. The family and the in law family. What a big happy family gathering it would be. Well, apparently she is not that keen to receive the in law. That's the way my friend saw it. So being her best friend, who by chance is also in UK, she asked me a favor if they can come to my place. Durham is a nice place. Even winter, it is a nice place to experience the cold, perhaps to see real snow (even though it could be ciput snow) if you are lucky.

My first reaction. Why not? Who knows that I can impress her mother that could be my future MIL? Dalam mimpi la. On a second thought, I have another reaction. "WHAT ON EARTH @%#$#$ I think that it would be a perfect timing?" As a student like her in law, I also have my own stuff to settle. My annual progress review and presentation. Although my supervisor is away - sabbatical leave- yet I have my second supervisor, mind you. So, I still have to do some "mengadap" session. Anyway, I received an email from my supervisor's secretary that I have to submit my report by 20 December. My oh my! When I looked back at that calender, actually I only have 2weeks to finish everything (editing included) before she and her family come after Raya Haji. Ya Allah! I started to panic at first. With a flu, runny nose and bad cough that I am having right now, I just feel that 2 weeks are not enough. The thing is I feel lethargic whenever I took the flu medication. I know that I suppose to lie down and get enough rest. With so much things to do, I simply can't let lie down without doing anything.

On top of that, my best friend asked me if I could help her to book tickets to go to certain places (with me as the tourist guide). It is my pleasure to bring her to certain places that I have went and haven't go yet. Still, to take a break for 2 weeks while she and her family are here, seems unthinkable. Yeah, being me who is a studious type, taking a break is like committing a suicide. I have to learn to take things and do certain things slowly. It is a good thing that I got this flu. It really teaches me to slow down a bit.

So, done some booking (although it burns my pocket a bit - because I have to use my money first and she will pay back when she comes here). It gave me quite a terrible headache to help her with the booking and all. What a relief! Finally, get the booking done yesterday. What really concerns me right - a bit- now is how to entertain Her Mother aka The Mother of the Same Guy that I prayed for while performing umrah? I don't know if it is a sign to show her that I could be her next DIL or it could be another sign to show me that He is not The Guy. Well, their mother is a nice lady. Met her couples of time before. That's before she knows that I like her son. Now, things might be different. I don't know if she will behave differently and thus, I should always be on my guard 24/7 or what. Nevertheless, I will be myself. The new me -since I changed my status back to student and after I performed umrah- might shock her a bit. In what way I have changed? It is hard to describe it but I know that I have changed and people who are close to me can see the different. Some of them might be a bit shocked at first but true friends will always be there despite the change. So far, true friends do stick with me still.

Whatever it is, well, it is not a big problem. Just another challenge on a way. Either I prepare for it or not, I will be myself no matter what. She can be impressed with me or not. For all I care, I will be me.

Life is a challenge to be true to yourself sometimes. Yet, what matter most is to be true to yourself despite the challenges of life.

Kelas Psikologi Cinta.... via emails?

Had a flu, runny nose and cough.... can't sleep well at night... Yet, Alhamdulillah ... I really need a break after all the headache with data analysis and writing (rewriting) my annual progress report. One of my closest friends confided in me about her latest development in the Love Department. Gosh!! Being someone who never fall in love, always kena dump by guys and whatnot, I am not the right person to offer her any advice on this matter. Yet, she trust me on that matter. Whatever... I try my best then to search whatever theories that I have taught when I taught the class that the students nick as Kelas Psikologi Cinta. Well... don't get me wrong. There is no such thing as that. If you look at the syllabus, there is nothing directly pointed at that direction. Yet, since I am teaching a subject about human relationship (as if I have successfully applied all that!... duh... I will not be a single anymore I guess if I apply the theories religiously ...) she has this vision of me being the Tok Guru of Love....

Well, first of all, she is smitten with this guy. He is reserved, charming in his own technical way, direct and a bit malu-malu kucing despite his age. My friend and I are in our 30s so this guy is someone that we consider as Just Nice la for our age. Not that young, not that old and he is what I called as Ikan Paus. Ikan Paus? There are reasons behind it (why we have such terms as that). All in all, he seems the perfect guy for her. On top of that, her family is well acquainted with him. So, ok la kan. Yeah..... seems like that at first. With her uncertainties and continuous worries, it can be quite difficult to embark on a journey called To Be In Love.

The only advice that I can think of is, if he really means it, he will show. HOW? Aiyoo.. when it comes to how, it is hard to tell but we can know if we stay focused and be attentive (senang cerita jangan jadi buta dek cinta atau ayat - ayat cinta). When he msg her telling her about his daily routine and all, he is involving her with his life. A good sign. When he replies all her emails (although very short as compared to her lengthy emails), it shows that he cares and appreciates what she does and has done. I can't forget how she freaked out when he asked her to meet him before going back UK. hehehehehehe... panic kawan sekejap...

Luckily it is not a date. To her. The way I see it, it is a date. Formal date. In this case, it is too formal that it was being held in his office. Date ke macam tu?.... Ni date zaman moden ni. Public place might not be a wise choice as both of them hold certain position in the institution. Especially him. With a status like that, with a position like that, to go out and have a simple lunch will draw too much attention. So, to be on a safe side, it is set that they would meet in his office. To make things sooooo wayyy toooo formal, she recorded their conversation (urghh.... her instinct as a researcher is too much I think but it is a good idea... so dalam kerinduan ke apa, boleh dengar balik suara cik abang tercinta - that's what I told her).

Since we came back to UK last two weeks, they have been emailing each other almost every day. Yeah... orang tengah bercinta memang macam tu. Then, tup tup... I heard that they have started msg-ing... wah costly ... if they can afford it, why not kan? Still, despite all of these, she has the feeling of uncertainty and she does not like that. Well, to feel insecure or undcertain about certain things are quite normal. In fact, we have that in whatever things in our life. We are human after all. Lots of err and imperfections.

I told her this simple advice, "If he does not have the slightest intention to court you on a first place, he will not go all this way to impress you". When she play back what she has recorded, she noticed that he flirted with her several times and yet, she did not realize it when he flirted with her. Alamak, kakak... why la u don't flirt back? (Kalau aku dah lama aku flirt balik dengan dia).

I should give her the article by Robert Sternberg on a theory of love. Where did I put that? Darn... Perhaps she can see that all of these while, that guy is really into her.