What an experience?!!

As I write this, my so called highly curious niece is sitting beside me. Errmm.... I don't know what's on her mind right now. Perhaps she is thinking how hip and cool her cute and forever young aunt is! She has a blog... Ayy... I am hip and cool. Isn't blogging and facbooking are the "In" thing right now?

I am back in Malaysia for my data collection. Alhamdulillah, I have distributed around 800 questionnaire to the teachers. I will start to distribute the questionnaire to pre service teachers next week. InshaAllah.

As I have expected, there is a little glitch that I have to face regarding the application to EPU. To think about it, what I can do is, just laugh and reflect that there is no such thing as a perfect plan. Always expect the worst. I know this is against the principle of the Law of Attraction. To think about it, life has its ups and downs. Not a bed of roses. At least, it is not at all time. I appreciate the experience. I am glad that I have to face it as a challenge. Next time, I know what to do and how to get things done.

Alhamdulillah, with the time that I have while waiting for the approval, I have the opportunity to meet my best friend and do other stuff.

With a thinking that I don't know what to expect, I embrace the challenges with optimism..... yup... I choose to be optimistic no matter what.... after all, it is just the otherness of history on my journey as an 'Abd.... Ayyyy

** Met my ex-supervisor. He seems delighted to see me. I visualise that my students will do the same as I did - to see and meet me after they have finished their studies. I was surprised that Yed still has the card that I gave him five years ago. The card has became yellowish but he still put it on his desk.

The day...

It seems like yesterday when I came back to UK after my pilot study. Here I am, going back again for the purpose of data gathering.

Had a little get together thing yesterday. Not in my best mood.

Something happened at school earlier yesterday. The very last minute, who ever thought that there are so many things that I have to get done (redone)! Plan to go back earlier. Had a last minute shopping. I realise that I didn't buy anything for my mom yet so bought her favorite talcum powder that she used to use when I was still young. At that time, the brand Yardley is the "In Thing".

Dropped by at Kak Zu's place. She is going back to Malaysia for good in April. So this might be the last time I see her and family in UK before I go back. Had a quick chat (since she is in a hurry to go to work) and I have to go back early too. There are couples of things that I need to settle before the guests come.

I haven't pray Asar yet. I was thinking and visualising that I will pray Asar first and cook additional dish, roast chicken wings. Humming softly Cliff's songs.

What a surprise! STOP! I expect too much perhaps. I guess this is the end of get together kind of things. I will miss that. If that's the case, I guess what I can do is, cook something and bring it over to other people's place. At least, I know that I can still doing something that I love, cooking.

I was thinking and wondering about the art of hosting. What does it mean? I guess I will save the question for the long hour flight.

PhD is challeging. Datelines, the wrath from supervisors, writer's block.... all in the exclusive package of doing a PhD. Again, does it mean that we are allowed to be less caring about other simple things?

I always imagine myself and telling myself again and again, doing a PhD gives me a rare opportunity to be a better organiser, planner and implementor. Life after all is not just a PhD. PhD is just a phase that will pass by. It challenges us in many ways. No doubt about it. What make us a PhD survivor? Other than, mental agility and ability, like gifted individuals, it is social harness and adjustability (will explain a bit about it at the bottom). Both are developed over time. It is strengthen when we have to face adversity and able to face it successfully. It is tough. No doubt about that. I know that I have to be strong no matter what.

* Based on various research, it was found that gifted individuals who are able to retain their supremacy of thinking and having healthy social life style are the ones who have social adjustability strategies that they used when they face challenges. So, being a true gifted, mental prowess is not enough.

A moment with my future MIL aka supervisor

Had a meeting with my supervisor at 2pm today. I printed out the things that I want to give her. While waiting for the meeting, read a book by Kvale. Gosh, I have to finish reading the whole book before going back to Malaysia. S****** came to the research room to have her lunch. Take a break from my reading and had my lunch too. It's kind of awkward to be in a same room with other people yet, not talking to each other. I need human interaction. So, stop my reading and had a little chat with her. About study and life in general. Then suddenly she said "You are a genius". Errr... what did I say? Did I say something smart? Err... what did I say just now? Looking at my confused face, she explains why she thinks that I am a genius. She said that I can easily figure out the head and tail of the things that she describes to me. Errr... so, does it mean I am a genius? Errr.... Well, to stop her from keep on saying that again and again (being Japanese she has this tendency to bow and at the same time praising me for being such a genius - whatever), I excused myself on a pretext that it's the time for me to see my supervisor. Off I went to Barbara's room. Alamak... it's locked. Is it at 2pm or at 3pm? I checked my diary again. Errmmm it is 2pm. Ok. Let's wait couples of minutes.

While humming Cliff Richard's songs in my head, I heard her footsteps. I stood up (I was seating on the floor while waiting for her - nasib baik ada karpet tak ada sejuk my a**).

With a cheerful Hi and a smile, went inside her room. Gave her the things I printed out etc. She gave me Jim's review on my presentation last week. WOW! Every single page in the report is written with something. I laughed. Barbara looked puzzle. Giler ke apa minah melayu ni ketawa? She asked me, why are you laughing? I told her that I don't know what to expect and seeing Jim's review it seems that I need to improve A LOT! I laughed again.

Barbara said that Steve, Mike and her feel that Jim should not comment that my summary is not enough for the report. The thing is 5000 words is not much. Well, I don't mind at all. I know that 5000 is too little to summarize a 20000 works (my literature review, I mean).

I am glad that I am doing fine. Alhamdulillah.

I reminded Barbara about my progress report that I have to send to the MOHE and my faculty in Malaysia. This time around, Barbara gave me 10/10. Whoah... can you please change that? Barbara said that she is really pleased with my work. She knows how committed I am with my work (there is a little incident with the cleaner lady that got me into a little "trouble" that testify how committed I am to be at school as early as 7am until 7pm every day. Day in, day out). Aiyoo... the thing is I think that PhD is my work. In Malaysia, I went to work 630am and went back after 5pm. Only on certain occasion, I went back earlier than that (especially after a long hour drive to supervise students who are doing their teaching practicum). That's only because it would be such a hassle to come back to UTM from Kota Tinggi after I finished my supervision at 4pm. So, apa lagi balik terus la ke rumah? Kalau balik UTM balik pun, by that time, orang lain pun dah balik kerja.

Barbara said that it doesn't look nice if she changed it. So she retains the point that she gave me. Adoi... I have to make sure that I got 11/10 for my annual review next year then?

Discussed with her about interviews and analysis a bit (adoi... so futuristic... belum ada data dah nak bayangkan mcm mana nak analisa? adoi.. pening kepala bakal mak mertuaku itu). She told me that it is hard to discuss about it especially you don't have any data yet. I admit that (even though deep inside me telling me otherwise).

So what's the little incident with the cleaner lady?... It is like this. Since subuh is around 4pm++, I went to school early like when it was summer last year. Like summer, I arrived at school 7am. Sometimes earlier than that, depending on the bus that I took. The cleaner usually will come around 730am to the research room to clean. So when she found that I am already at my desk and do my work, it's annoyed her. Then, she told me that I am not allowed to be at the school before 8am. Err since when? For all I know, I EVEN can sleep at the school if I want to. I have the key to the main door so what's the big fuss? She made a formal complain to the janitor who apparently told her that I am, as the postgraduate student are given a privilege to use the research room 24/7. Even on Saturday and Sunday. Out of curiosity, I asked my supervisor's secretary the regulations etc if just in case I misunderstood it. Anita told me that I am allowed to be at school whenever I want and she knows about it (apparently Neville, the kind and friendly janitor told her about it). So, somehow one way or another, Barbara knows about it. Ait... aku tak cakap pun dengan dia? I used to think that mat salleh don't gossiping. Well, after all, gossiping is a universal behavior. Errm... what can I say about that?

Met Steve on my way back to the research room. Had a little chat with him on the corridor. Then Jim passed by. Said Hi to Jim and I laughed. He had a chuckle in his eyes. Yeah, this minah melayu even had her supervision on the corridor. Errr....

What can I say? Steve seems very interested to talk about cluster analysis. What's that? Just a type of statistical analysis.

I walked back at the research room feeling as if there are wings on my feet! I just about to say Whoopiiieee... when I saw Mike standing at the corner talking with the receptionist. Ops... what a day!

So what does a PhD really mean?

It has been more than a year since I embark myself in this journey.

It is a lonely process. Challenging, most of the time.

So what does it mean really?... let me think first...

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Woke up today with a feverish feeling. May be I have a fever. After solat subuh, I marinate the chicken that I thaw since last night. L*** is coming. So, thought of cooking roast chicken and this time around, plan to make a gravy. So, I stuffed carrot and onion inside the chicken. Left it for few hours. I need to move myself and get myself sweat a bit. Clean a bit the living room. Boil the water to make myself a cuppa tea. Took a clarinase and off I went to take a nap.

I couldn't take a nap! So, I just lie down under the duvet. It is hot and I started to sweat a bit. It's good. I am feeling much better.

Started to cook around 113oam. The chicken has cooked but need to make sure the skin is crispy. So, I took it out from the oven and moved it into the grill.

It seems the carrot and onion have soften. I removed it from inside of the chicken. Took the juices out too. I blended everything until it became smooth. Using a sieve, I pour the gravy into a pan. Get it boil. Add black pepper, soya sauce (to get the dark color and the saltiness taste - kes malas nak guna garam). To thicken it, I used a corn flour that I mixed with water. I put a bit too black pepper sauce. Put a bit of butter. Sifu Jamie Olver uses wine but I don't use wine in my cooking. So, I don't substitute it with anything. Just a butter. To give extra creamy flavor.

So this is the gravy and the roast chicken.

Again, I got diverted from the main topic.
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So what does a Phd really mean?

It means balancing your study life and social life. Study life? Yeah, we need to stay focused, and sometimes need to be alone to think, write and read. Most of the time. Kena bertapa. How long? Subjective. Depends on the need.

Social life? We need to get out. Smell the roses! Have a life! (which is very hard to do especially there is always a guilty feeling bottling inside).

I am not an outdoor type. I am very domesticated. So, my social life = cooking, cleaning. I enjoy doing it. Just, of late, I miss Z*** and A*** who will bustling around and busying themselves in the kitchen too when I cook. I learn a lot from them and they learn a lot from me. We exchange few tips on cooking. Now, it is a solitary process.

Cooking is an art. Like painting, we don't learn to paint by listening to the painter what color to use, what brush to use for different stroke. We learn painting by looking at others doing it. Now I understand, why I am such a lousy painter! I never see anyone - who is really good - paints. Yed, I miss you! I want to learn painting from you.

Blog followers

I don't expect that people would be interested in reading what I wrote on a first place. After all, it is just nonsense rantings.

I don't think it is therapeutic to write something about myself in blog. After all, the world is so small. You never know who will read what and when and how (they find your blog on a first place). So whatever I wrote here might not be suitable especially when it comes to the so called "prehistoric relationships that never worked". I wrote about it anyway. Reason? A proof that my life is not perfect and a remembrance to myself to be grateful with what I have and don't have. A reminder has to be written somewhere - I read it somewhere (especially for me who always tend to be forgetful about certain details - it's a pre head damage symptom, I guess. I don't have the memory like the famous S. as in Luria's book, The mind of the mnemonist)

I know, unlike other people who talk/write about SERIOUS things and you can really tell their mental prowess just by their blogs, mine is just simple chit chat kind of blog. I don't really write serious stuff. Just something that dears to me and really means a lot to me that I want to share with others. Nothing to prove. Just to show that life is life. That's it.

Alhamdulillah... Review went well... Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah. Had my annual review just now for an hour (from 3-4pm). It is not time to celebrate, just a pat on my back is more than enough.

I was excited and thus a bit hyper (blame it on chocolates and tea).

I don't know what to expect from the review so I came to the room with an open mind that it will be a great presentation. I delivered my presentation for about 20 minutes. And THEN, it is time for the reviewers to ask me questions.

Mike, the first reviewer commented that
- it seems that I know what I am doing and it looks like I am on the right track (first of all, he congratulated me for reasons that I don't know - it is kind of spooky as if it is like a real viva). He even suggested that I should present on the monthly seminar (which I dreaded to do given a fact that I don't have an solid data to present - my excuse)

Jim, the second reviewer suggested few things that I should do (which I have done and wrote in my chapters). The thing is, what can you put in a 5000 words report? It seems a lot but my chapter 2 has more than 20k words. So to comprise the literature review into just 2000 words really does not justify the 20k words literature review.

Barbara and Steve seem pleased with my progress. I will meet Barbara next week. Looking forward to the meeting with her next week.

My review?
- I can't wait to present for my viva which will due in a year time or so. I can't wait for the examiners to congratulate me and call me Dr.
- I have to finish my questionnaire (editing it which seems ages for me to complete) by tomorrow.
- Don't be complacent with the review. Have to maintain my performance no matter what.

When Mike asked me what contributions that I will give based on my research to Malaysia, I told him that I just want to make sure that my students will have a course about giftedness, not as a subtopic under the introduction to educational psychology subject.

Mike said it is very humble contribution. Me? Little Dij? Contribute big things in Malaysia? Are we talking about the same person here? He must be kidding, right?

Anyway, I am glad that it is over. It went well as I visualised it to be. I even sat at the same chair (gosh... kind of spooky, isn't it? It is like a dejavu thing. I imagined things to happen that way and it really happened according to what I have imagined)

Alhamdulillah.

Don't know... or just couldn't be bothered

What's the difference between "don't know" and "just couldn't be bothered"?

Don't know = do not have any idea about something with full consciousness and not due to lack of observance

Just couldn't be bothered = do not have any idea about something due to lack of observance

Staying focus is not about focusing on the important things but also caring about small things that matter even though it seems trivial.

Juggling between big and small things is hard. No doubt about that. Perhaps what we could do is just paying extra attention to every details no matter how big or small it is.

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Just received an email from my ex-supervisor

Hello stupid assalam alaikum, I had given up on you; what a pleasant surprise to hear from you almost as if from beyond the grave. So when do you deign to come down this way, soon I hope. More when we meet hopefully soon. wassalam

It seems that I will forever his stupid mentally half dead student. Ayy.... I am the combination of Myshkin and Rogozhin.