Well, so many things have happened. Remember my niece Sabrina that I told about her wedding long time ago? She has two kids now (a girl, Asma and a boy, Amzar). I am their Ocik (Tok Cik).
I find it kind of hard to write in this post... It seems that I do not have any idea to share.... errmmm.... anyway, I guess I could begin by summarising the what and whatnot that have happened back from July 2011 until now
I had my viva in August 2011. It was one hellish moment. I learn a lot from it. Steve, my supervisor is really supportive when things are the hardest. I went to UK again last July (July 2012) and this time around, my viva was so smooth and enjoyable. I passed with no correction. Alhamdulillah.
What else happened in 2011? A month and a half after I have my viva, I went for hajj. I feel unprepared, scared and sad... it is a mixture of feelings yet Alhamdulillah, Allah Grants me lots of the things that were in my prayers during Arafah day. Alhamdulillah
Now, it is already 2013. Yup. How things fly!
Nothing much I guess, so before I start to ramble more nonsense, I guess, I better stop now. Until then.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Friday, June 24, 2011
It's June
Time flies very fast... indeed...
Just a quick summary... Alhamdulillah, TH has replied last Monday so kakak is performing hajj (second time) with me. Alhamdulillah...
Called my mom yesterday. She is counting the days ... really sad but have to be strong... this is just a phase
p.s: I know that this entry is kind of shorter... I have lots of things going on in my mind and it is not easy to express it through words...
Just a quick summary... Alhamdulillah, TH has replied last Monday so kakak is performing hajj (second time) with me. Alhamdulillah...
Called my mom yesterday. She is counting the days ... really sad but have to be strong... this is just a phase
p.s: I know that this entry is kind of shorter... I have lots of things going on in my mind and it is not easy to express it through words...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
It's January 2011
I know that my last entry seems like I am raging mad. Well, Alhamdulillah, I am physically ok now. Need to catch up lots of work and thus, I have been working very hard off lately. Luckily, I have Sean and Ryugo to accompany me in school. But both of them are going back to their respective country end of this month, so no more joke around or chat about research. I definitely will miss the times when Ryugo drops by just to say Hi. I guess Sean can sense there is something going on between us. The thing is, I notice that Ryugo drops by more often than before since my birthday last month. What's that supposed to mean? Had a talk with him about serious stuff and both of us realise that there are lots of things need to be sacrificed and negotiated for a serious kind of relationship. So for now, we are just good friend. Even though it is hard to find such a good guy who cares about me in his own way, never say No to what I request (this relates to his culture but I know to differentiate between a Yes which means Yes and a Yes but means No).
Alhamdulillah, K** is here from Sheffield so I am not alone for few more days. This is the hardest stage and editing/refining chapters is 'hellish'. I know it is just a phase so I have to face it and do the best I can to make sure I finish on time.
Alhamdulillah, K** is here from Sheffield so I am not alone for few more days. This is the hardest stage and editing/refining chapters is 'hellish'. I know it is just a phase so I have to face it and do the best I can to make sure I finish on time.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
December
I was stranded at town last Monday (29 Nov). Stayed overnight that L****'s place. Sent kak E*** off to airport. I was feeling feverish and here we go.... I have fever (on off) until Saturday (4 Dec).
Loss appetite. Normal condition for someone with fever. Alhamdulillah, I have enough pills so don't need to get outside to go to the clinic.
At first, I intend to go to the clinic, but I am afraid that I will faint on the way to the clinic. So, I just stay at home. FB with Zac. She sounds worried. Rest assured, I am ok. Alhamdulillah
Loss appetite. Normal condition for someone with fever. Alhamdulillah, I have enough pills so don't need to get outside to go to the clinic.
At first, I intend to go to the clinic, but I am afraid that I will faint on the way to the clinic. So, I just stay at home. FB with Zac. She sounds worried. Rest assured, I am ok. Alhamdulillah
Sunday, September 26, 2010
It is September
It have been more than 6 months since the last time I wrote something here. Errmm... lots of things happened actually. Well, here we go... a quick summary
March:
1) Zeah's lost her dad a shy two weeks before her big E day. It is hard for her. No doubt. Physically and emotionally, she is affected by it.
2) Got a news for the Paris conference. Paris!!!! Here I come!! Went to Paris and had a blast!
April:
1) S****n lost her dad. It is unexpected. She called me. When she told me that she is glad that we had the little chat when she came in early April, I am speechless!!
2) Something happen in late March and I was diagnosed as having a depression. Learning and teaching those theories about abnormality and whatnot really do not prepare me for the situation and somebody has to point that out straight to my face to make me realize that I am depressed. Called Kak N and told her about it. I started to have small routine before and after I school. I will keep on doing the routine even after I finish studying.
May:
1) Summer loving!!!! Kind of busy with my analysis chapters and Alhamdulillah for everything
June:
1) Conferences: London - Paris - Sheffield
July:
1) Writing up my quali chapters.... yup... I have done something....
August:
1) 3 chapters.... and more to go and edited
2) Ramadhan.... it is a year....
September:
1) Here I am ... it is already September...
2) K** grad last July. She is starting Masters in Sheffield.
3) Kak E*** is my new housemate.
4) Kak N is going to have her viva on 30 Sept and going back for good on 2 Oct. I will miss her terribly!!!! There is no more 'sudden call' every time or any time I feel blue... Ya Allah, I seek Your Guidance to ease our journey ... Aminnn....
That's all...
March:
1) Zeah's lost her dad a shy two weeks before her big E day. It is hard for her. No doubt. Physically and emotionally, she is affected by it.
2) Got a news for the Paris conference. Paris!!!! Here I come!! Went to Paris and had a blast!
April:
1) S****n lost her dad. It is unexpected. She called me. When she told me that she is glad that we had the little chat when she came in early April, I am speechless!!
2) Something happen in late March and I was diagnosed as having a depression. Learning and teaching those theories about abnormality and whatnot really do not prepare me for the situation and somebody has to point that out straight to my face to make me realize that I am depressed. Called Kak N and told her about it. I started to have small routine before and after I school. I will keep on doing the routine even after I finish studying.
May:
1) Summer loving!!!! Kind of busy with my analysis chapters and Alhamdulillah for everything
June:
1) Conferences: London - Paris - Sheffield
July:
1) Writing up my quali chapters.... yup... I have done something....
August:
1) 3 chapters.... and more to go and edited
2) Ramadhan.... it is a year....
September:
1) Here I am ... it is already September...
2) K** grad last July. She is starting Masters in Sheffield.
3) Kak E*** is my new housemate.
4) Kak N is going to have her viva on 30 Sept and going back for good on 2 Oct. I will miss her terribly!!!! There is no more 'sudden call' every time or any time I feel blue... Ya Allah, I seek Your Guidance to ease our journey ... Aminnn....
That's all...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It's February
Alhamdulillah.... I was not feeling well since last November.... on off fever, coughing, sneezing.... Alhamdulillah.... I am still alive and with the fact that I don't know when I will die, I am grateful with every single breath I take...
Met Shaun after so many months (he went back to collect his data in Thailand). Did similar analysis so I have him to discuss things. Alhamdulillah.
I am still doing the qualitative analysis (I know that I should stop it right now). I am getting more clear (even though still have lots of uncertainty feeling) with the data and quite comfortable with it.
Lots of things have happened. Sab's wedding on Azim's side. Called mak almost every day when she was in KL. She is not feeling well. Selsema dan batuk but with her condition, a simple flu or cough might lead to major thing. There is pointless to worry too much about it. I pray to Allah that she will be ok.
When I called her, she did mention about me of not getting married yet. I know that she is worried about my marital status. After all seeing her three grandchildren got married must trigger something in her mind about me. The thing is, it is ketentuan Allah that I am not married at this time. It is not that I don't want to get married. It is just a matter of time before I get married. I believe in that.
Fiqah's aunt came from Hull. I feel guilty because I didn't entertain her that well since I am so busy doing my analysis (I am in the mood of doing it even though I pushed myself too much until I got sick again). Alhamdulillah.... I have the chance to chat with her and it seems that she is not feeling well too. Durham is too cold for her like Kak N*****, I guess.
A****** went back for a week to surprise her hubby. Such a sweet gesture!!! I think I will do the same if I were her. I** is visiting her bro in Dubai end of February. I am nobody and thus I know that I should not 'menyibuk' to go Dubai for that matter.
Received a great news from Z*** last Sunday (14 Feb). It has nothing to do with Valentine's day. Just a normal day and a holiday due to CNY. Hope to hear more great news from her again this coming March. The Big E day for her. Alhamdulillah...
S***** is coming on this Easter holiday (again has nothing to do with celebrating Easter day just since it is a hoilday, S***** is coming from London to take her stuff). Looking forward for that.
I am still working on the Paris conference kind of thingy... only even if it is just a poster presentation... I pray that I can get that chance...
Met Shaun after so many months (he went back to collect his data in Thailand). Did similar analysis so I have him to discuss things. Alhamdulillah.
I am still doing the qualitative analysis (I know that I should stop it right now). I am getting more clear (even though still have lots of uncertainty feeling) with the data and quite comfortable with it.
Lots of things have happened. Sab's wedding on Azim's side. Called mak almost every day when she was in KL. She is not feeling well. Selsema dan batuk but with her condition, a simple flu or cough might lead to major thing. There is pointless to worry too much about it. I pray to Allah that she will be ok.
When I called her, she did mention about me of not getting married yet. I know that she is worried about my marital status. After all seeing her three grandchildren got married must trigger something in her mind about me. The thing is, it is ketentuan Allah that I am not married at this time. It is not that I don't want to get married. It is just a matter of time before I get married. I believe in that.
Fiqah's aunt came from Hull. I feel guilty because I didn't entertain her that well since I am so busy doing my analysis (I am in the mood of doing it even though I pushed myself too much until I got sick again). Alhamdulillah.... I have the chance to chat with her and it seems that she is not feeling well too. Durham is too cold for her like Kak N*****, I guess.
A****** went back for a week to surprise her hubby. Such a sweet gesture!!! I think I will do the same if I were her. I** is visiting her bro in Dubai end of February. I am nobody and thus I know that I should not 'menyibuk' to go Dubai for that matter.
Received a great news from Z*** last Sunday (14 Feb). It has nothing to do with Valentine's day. Just a normal day and a holiday due to CNY. Hope to hear more great news from her again this coming March. The Big E day for her. Alhamdulillah...
S***** is coming on this Easter holiday (again has nothing to do with celebrating Easter day just since it is a hoilday, S***** is coming from London to take her stuff). Looking forward for that.
I am still working on the Paris conference kind of thingy... only even if it is just a poster presentation... I pray that I can get that chance...
Saturday, January 30, 2010
MGDC and Bonnypack
Went to Glasgow to present paper... 1st paper... went very well.... met people who provide valuable support and information... after all, even though PhD is a solitary journey, sharing and exchanging information with others in the same journey comforts me ... actually, we find comfort in each other company.... Alhamdulillah
It is one of my wishes to meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail..... then who ever thought that Allah Grants my wish!!!! When I asked Bonda about the person who is going to give the first talk... she just passed me a piece of paper, contained lists of presenters...... when I saw his name..... I guess my heart stop to beat for a second!!! Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail? Ya Allah.... I am one of his blog silent readers..... Meeting him, his wife and two kids.... was priceless...
He talked about things that I take for granted.... Life is full with ketentuan and aturan (pre-destined) Allah..... how ever thought that I will have the courage to send the abstract to MGDC... at that time, I was "clueless"... and emotionally unstable due to the grief and bereavement phase that was still prevalent ... at that time...
As I am writing this, I am feeling mush better,...... reciting surah Yassin everyday comforts me... I am looking forward to read it after Maghrib prayer because it is like having a special date ..... can't wait to "re-connect" with my dad through reciting surah Yassin... mentioning his name and my grandparents..... really gives me sense of belonging.... I am after all his daughter.... their granddaughter.... even though, I never met Nyayi Saemah (she passed away when my dad was 8).... yet, I feel the feeling of connectedness when I recite surah Yassin for them....
I don't know if I inherit any of their physical features.... I was told that Nyayi Saemah is a real beauty and same with Nyayi ... both of them were a beauty.... to marry a guy who has nothing (materially) except he was known for his charity and knowledge, it must takes her a real courage to trust her dad's judgment (for Nyayi Saemah).... and for Nyayi, to marry a guy who was older than her by nearly 20 years.... must freak her out... yet due to his good characters that melt her heart, I guess.... every time Mak re-told the story of her dad.... I can sense that she's really adore him... I don't know if I can re-tell similar story about my dad to my kids in the future... bapa was kind in his own way.... just it is kind of hard for him to accept the fact that his children really thrive in their studies and to be educated really freaked him out... even though, none of us are arrogant with what we know due to the education that we have... yet, I can sense that he was not comfortable with us... thus, the clash of understanding... but being him, he would show that he'd really proud of us behind our back....
Who ever thought that I will be born has his daughter? All of these are ketentuan and aturan Allah...
Had a chat with my friend, Wiwi.... she said that she feels inferior when people start to compare their academic achievement with her.... gosh!!! I told her that we cannot feel inferior and at the same time feel superior... rather.... we should feel grateful.... Alhamdulillah.. Allah Blesses us with this kind of life.... to be a Muslim is a blessing in itself... and it is our responsibility to maintain our life as Muslim and be grateful with His Blessing.... it is an amanah to be a Muslim.... Alhamdulillah.... Allah Grants us the bestest for us... even though, we might not know why Allah Grants us... it is pointless to ask why... rather be grateful... Alhamdulillah....
Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail did mentioned about his own experience.... kind of humbling that he came to UK.... to share with us .... it gives me a motivation... PhD is just a phase..... A humbling experience to endure all the challenges while doing this so called PhD... not all are given the chance to be tested this way.... Alhamdulillah
*************************************************************************************
While I am in Glasgow, people suggested that I should go to Bonnypack.... what is that?.... so kind of asking around the Glasgow people about it... F**** went with me ... oh my.... I ended up buying few more stuff... the usual stuff.... I would rather say... no details needed if you know me.... my fetish.... *sigh*.....
Alhamdulillah.... I got the chance... not only to present, meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail... but also to shop at Bonnypack...
As a result, Alhamdulillah... got severe cough when I am back to Durham.... sleepless night?... u bet!
It is one of my wishes to meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail..... then who ever thought that Allah Grants my wish!!!! When I asked Bonda about the person who is going to give the first talk... she just passed me a piece of paper, contained lists of presenters...... when I saw his name..... I guess my heart stop to beat for a second!!! Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail? Ya Allah.... I am one of his blog silent readers..... Meeting him, his wife and two kids.... was priceless...
He talked about things that I take for granted.... Life is full with ketentuan and aturan (pre-destined) Allah..... how ever thought that I will have the courage to send the abstract to MGDC... at that time, I was "clueless"... and emotionally unstable due to the grief and bereavement phase that was still prevalent ... at that time...
As I am writing this, I am feeling mush better,...... reciting surah Yassin everyday comforts me... I am looking forward to read it after Maghrib prayer because it is like having a special date ..... can't wait to "re-connect" with my dad through reciting surah Yassin... mentioning his name and my grandparents..... really gives me sense of belonging.... I am after all his daughter.... their granddaughter.... even though, I never met Nyayi Saemah (she passed away when my dad was 8).... yet, I feel the feeling of connectedness when I recite surah Yassin for them....
I don't know if I inherit any of their physical features.... I was told that Nyayi Saemah is a real beauty and same with Nyayi ... both of them were a beauty.... to marry a guy who has nothing (materially) except he was known for his charity and knowledge, it must takes her a real courage to trust her dad's judgment (for Nyayi Saemah).... and for Nyayi, to marry a guy who was older than her by nearly 20 years.... must freak her out... yet due to his good characters that melt her heart, I guess.... every time Mak re-told the story of her dad.... I can sense that she's really adore him... I don't know if I can re-tell similar story about my dad to my kids in the future... bapa was kind in his own way.... just it is kind of hard for him to accept the fact that his children really thrive in their studies and to be educated really freaked him out... even though, none of us are arrogant with what we know due to the education that we have... yet, I can sense that he was not comfortable with us... thus, the clash of understanding... but being him, he would show that he'd really proud of us behind our back....
Who ever thought that I will be born has his daughter? All of these are ketentuan and aturan Allah...
Had a chat with my friend, Wiwi.... she said that she feels inferior when people start to compare their academic achievement with her.... gosh!!! I told her that we cannot feel inferior and at the same time feel superior... rather.... we should feel grateful.... Alhamdulillah.. Allah Blesses us with this kind of life.... to be a Muslim is a blessing in itself... and it is our responsibility to maintain our life as Muslim and be grateful with His Blessing.... it is an amanah to be a Muslim.... Alhamdulillah.... Allah Grants us the bestest for us... even though, we might not know why Allah Grants us... it is pointless to ask why... rather be grateful... Alhamdulillah....
Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail did mentioned about his own experience.... kind of humbling that he came to UK.... to share with us .... it gives me a motivation... PhD is just a phase..... A humbling experience to endure all the challenges while doing this so called PhD... not all are given the chance to be tested this way.... Alhamdulillah
*************************************************************************************
While I am in Glasgow, people suggested that I should go to Bonnypack.... what is that?.... so kind of asking around the Glasgow people about it... F**** went with me ... oh my.... I ended up buying few more stuff... the usual stuff.... I would rather say... no details needed if you know me.... my fetish.... *sigh*.....
Alhamdulillah.... I got the chance... not only to present, meet Prof Muhd Kamil Ismail... but also to shop at Bonnypack...
As a result, Alhamdulillah... got severe cough when I am back to Durham.... sleepless night?... u bet!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
It has been a while
What have I done? It was snowing heavily for few days which turned into weeks. Kind of morose (did I?). Well, started go to school back even though it is slippery and wet.
Going to Glasgow on 18 Jan. Just want to have a break and present something. Talking about presentation, it has been a while since the last time I present something. Yup. Kind of nervous, anxious.... I will do fine and will enjoy the moment while I can.
Been thinking a lot what will happen in few months. Will I be able to achieve my target? I know that it is still uncertain. I will do the best. The very best. The bestest.
I want to finish thing ASAP. Seems that it's been too long.
Called Mak yesterday. She sounds better. They changed her medication. She is really looking forward to go to KL via Air Asia with kakak for Sabrina's wedding reception (Azim's side). When she told me that my call can make her day, I promise to myself that I will call her as often as I could. In fact, I will call her every week. Or twice a month if I am super duper busy.
Alhamdulillah, it seems that she is getting better when it comes to dealing the loss. I know it is hard for her when it happened. I was affected by it too. It is something that I have to learn.
Life is a process. Yes, indeed.
We decide. We reflect. We choose.
Sometimes, things just happen. Whatever it it, we have to face it and be responsible toward every single action that we do. Kind of simple to say it. To do it, always another different story.
Alhamdulillah. Allah Gives me opportunity to do many things that I could never even imagine 5 years ago. Even though it is hard, I pray that I will pass this phase successfully. I pray hard that I will.
Going to Glasgow on 18 Jan. Just want to have a break and present something. Talking about presentation, it has been a while since the last time I present something. Yup. Kind of nervous, anxious.... I will do fine and will enjoy the moment while I can.
Been thinking a lot what will happen in few months. Will I be able to achieve my target? I know that it is still uncertain. I will do the best. The very best. The bestest.
I want to finish thing ASAP. Seems that it's been too long.
Called Mak yesterday. She sounds better. They changed her medication. She is really looking forward to go to KL via Air Asia with kakak for Sabrina's wedding reception (Azim's side). When she told me that my call can make her day, I promise to myself that I will call her as often as I could. In fact, I will call her every week. Or twice a month if I am super duper busy.
Alhamdulillah, it seems that she is getting better when it comes to dealing the loss. I know it is hard for her when it happened. I was affected by it too. It is something that I have to learn.
Life is a process. Yes, indeed.
We decide. We reflect. We choose.
Sometimes, things just happen. Whatever it it, we have to face it and be responsible toward every single action that we do. Kind of simple to say it. To do it, always another different story.
Alhamdulillah. Allah Gives me opportunity to do many things that I could never even imagine 5 years ago. Even though it is hard, I pray that I will pass this phase successfully. I pray hard that I will.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Something happened
It's term break. I haven't finished with the recoding. Went to NVIVO training on 16 and 17 Dec and I become more confused than ever! It is just matter of time before I get used to the software and I will be fine sooner than I ever imagine.
Then, something happened on 20 Dec and it is not my fault. Yet, people partially blame me because I am doing nothing (I don't know on a first place) and it seems that people (the jiran tetangga) see me as the ketua in this house. I am the oldest and doing a PhD (what's that supposed to mean?!!!)
To make thing short, I was slandered and things got worsen. What I can do is pray to Allah that He will show me whatever evil intentions that person has towards me. Alhamdulillah, even though she's slandering me behind my back, somehow I know about it.
I couldn't sleep for nearly 2 days and I had a headache and feeling light weight (this is not because I lose weight, just it is a feeling due to lack of sleep).
I made a decision, that she has to go. Move out from this house. This house is my sanctuary. I don't need a tensed atmosphere where I can't relax and always on my guard because I don't know what will she do next.
No discussion and negotiation is needed. That's final.
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26 Dec. My niece, Sab got married. Called my mom and kakak a day before the wedding. My mom sounds happy. She has stopped taking the TB medication and she got her appetite back.
Kakak cried when she heard my voice. This is not the kakak I know all my life. She misses me. How she wish that I was there to help around.
I tried to do my work as fast I could. I will finish on time. I pray hard that I will finish on time.
When things happened like this, being slandered and all, I know that I have to be stronger no matter what. I have to be decisive. Even though, it is hard, I need to do this.
If not, I have to bear with Allah's wrath that I don't want to face on a first place.
To face with Allah's wrath or her wrath?
I am more fear of the former than the latter.
That's final. I pray that this is the best decision I make for this problem.
Then, something happened on 20 Dec and it is not my fault. Yet, people partially blame me because I am doing nothing (I don't know on a first place) and it seems that people (the jiran tetangga) see me as the ketua in this house. I am the oldest and doing a PhD (what's that supposed to mean?!!!)
To make thing short, I was slandered and things got worsen. What I can do is pray to Allah that He will show me whatever evil intentions that person has towards me. Alhamdulillah, even though she's slandering me behind my back, somehow I know about it.
I couldn't sleep for nearly 2 days and I had a headache and feeling light weight (this is not because I lose weight, just it is a feeling due to lack of sleep).
I made a decision, that she has to go. Move out from this house. This house is my sanctuary. I don't need a tensed atmosphere where I can't relax and always on my guard because I don't know what will she do next.
No discussion and negotiation is needed. That's final.
************************************************************************************
26 Dec. My niece, Sab got married. Called my mom and kakak a day before the wedding. My mom sounds happy. She has stopped taking the TB medication and she got her appetite back.
Kakak cried when she heard my voice. This is not the kakak I know all my life. She misses me. How she wish that I was there to help around.
I tried to do my work as fast I could. I will finish on time. I pray hard that I will finish on time.
When things happened like this, being slandered and all, I know that I have to be stronger no matter what. I have to be decisive. Even though, it is hard, I need to do this.
If not, I have to bear with Allah's wrath that I don't want to face on a first place.
To face with Allah's wrath or her wrath?
I am more fear of the former than the latter.
That's final. I pray that this is the best decision I make for this problem.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Progress
I don't know and can't tell if I am making any progress at all. After solat subuh, I decide not to go back to sleep. I have a look at others' thesis (yup, I "ciluk" 2 theses from school) and Abg L's thesis (draft). Looking at their theses, it gives me a sense that there is a longggggggggggggg wayyyyyyyyy to go for me to finish. Goose bump. Shiver for few seconds.
Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!
Plan for the week:
1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)
Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.
Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).
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Received an email from Kak Y**
How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.
This is what I replied:
When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.
Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....
Other than that, I am ok.
Thanks for asking
What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.
I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?
I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,
Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.
For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.
For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.
For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.
Rummaging my old boxes. Look at the data that I collected for my pilot study. It is a lot!
Plan for the week:
1) Code each of the answers (pilot study)
2) Re-code the transcripts
3) Quantitative analysis (descriptive)
4) Report: 5-10pages (which will be developed into a chapter on qualitative findings)
Small plans that I will finish before the term break starts in about a week.
Have a training course on 16 Dec (Wednesday).
*************************************************************************************
Received an email from Kak Y**
How are you? I hope life is getting better for you. Anyway, I know you could brace yourself to face the present situation.
This is what I replied:
When life is a bitter pill that I have to swallow, what can I do other than swallow it? I have an option to spit on it. Yet to be in a denial state is not good. I have came to the stage of acceptance and even though I might do things much slower now because I am emotionally like this, yet I feel contented and enjoy the process more thoroughly now.
Seriously kak, is there any of ur student doing something about the experience of PhD students who have to deal with loss etc?.... I might be the perfect candidate. Because, after all, I am still in the process of doing it and currently I am writing blog about it (not as often as sometimes, it is kind of hard to muster my courage to finish a sentence without breaking down)....
Other than that, I am ok.
Thanks for asking
What was I thinking? As I typed, I was listening to Bon Jovi's song - We weren't born to follow and Alan Parson Project's - Eye in the sky and this definitely, I guess it influenced my writing. It is not that I am becoming heartless kind of person, or emotion-less person. I think I have reached to the stage of acceptance. Redha is the word. Yup.
I was reading an article about doa and destiny (takdir). People might say that we can change our takdir through doa. Some might say, we cannot change and thus, doa wouldn't make any difference. My stand?
I believed that life is pre-destined. There are things can be changed with Allah's Will and Blessing if He Grants our doa. Again what happens or not, it is not something that we can have a total control so, redha is needed because after all, Allah Knows the Bestest (not a correct grammar, yet Jason Mraz used it in his song :D). People said that you better be prepared with what u wish for. U never know, it might come true. In total ignorance or indifference, we might say something or wish something and who ever knows, that Allah Grants us with what we wish for even though, at that moment, we might not even mean it,
Some said that you have to be specific in your doa while others said, you don't have to be that spot on specific. My stand? It is up to individuals.
For jodoh, not long time ago, I doa specifically for THAT guy. Now, I doa for the bestest guy. Allah Knows best in this. I do make efforts. If things do not happen according to what I wish or doa, I redha.
For PhD, I doa that I will finish it on time. I know I am really slow now and I don't know when I will finish everything in a definite period of time (date etc), I believe that I will finish it sooner than I ever think and I can do it no matter hard it is and no matter uncertainty, blurry, vague, not-making-any-sense things could be.
For things in general, I doa whatever happen, even though I might not know the reasons or causes of it, it is for the best. Like the story of Prophet Musa A.S and Prophet Khaidir A.S. Sometimes, it is pointless to ask so many things in life. After all, there are lots of things unexplainable in life. Embrace life as it is! Yes, I AM. Yes, I WILL.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Raya Haji
I have a guest from Bristol this raya. Last raya, I had guests from Malaysia. How time flies! It's been a year already.
Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel
Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.
She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!
When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.
This is what I got from Yed.
So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.
WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.
Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.
Too bad that Kak N***** is not used to Durham's cold weather. Back in Bristol, it is not that cold, as she said. I am pity her and feel helpless when seeing her just laid down on the bed, coughing, sneezing... perhaps, it is not a good idea to come to Durham in autumn... not the best time to travel
Sent her off today. I have a supervision (that I just knew two days before the meeting) and thus, I need to finish certain things before I see Barbara. I went to school early today at 730am and dragged Kak N***** to go out with me too. She went to the train station by herself and I met her there at 920am, just 30 minutes or so before she catched the train to Bristol.
She is different. I notice it when we had a conversation about research and life in general. It seems like she has burnt out. She is lucky to have two shrinks as her "pom pom girls". Even though, both are guys, well, what a heck!
When I think back, we need true friend who will stay on our side, no matter what. I know that I am a bit harsh with her when I asked her about what she wants and expects from those two guys. Romantic relationship? Or like "big bro" kind of relationship like what Bro R**** and I have? I am lucky to have Bro R**** and Yed as my "pom pom girls". Even though, Yed hardly gave me any comforting words, yet, I am so used to his style and once a while, I "crave" for his harsh words.
This is what I got from Yed.
So you are feeling down and out in England. There is nothing wrong with feeling down occasionally and finding yourself lost when nothing seems to make sense. Welcome to the world. You must be daft to think that the world and life will make sense all the time, that you will not be visited by the pain of loss of dear and near ones. The loss of a parent is indeed a hefty blow and yet part of the natural course of life. I was in England when I heard of my father's death; it was sudden I didn't have the time to see him for the last time. Perhaps it was for the best. Now my last memory of him is how he looked the last time I saw him, healthy full of life and not someone dying. Don't be a spoilt brat and get on with your work like a mature person. Life will continue to throw wicked punches at you; you cant duck them all just have to learn to take them on the chin and go on living. Give your mind a rest for a while, read a novel or go on a walking trip; do something entirely different then go back to your data. and stay in touch.
WOW!!! I am happy when I read that. Surprise huh? Alhamdulillah. I have him to be there to kick some sense in me. His words are harsh. It is just what I need.
Met my SV today. She seems kind of surprise to see me doing ok and not morose as I should. I told her, things happen. It is hard to accept such loss yet I need to move on no matter what. I have new strategies. I will do my work slowly, continuously ... like the turtle, not the hare. What matter most now is, I finish my PhD on time without jeopardising my health (emotional, cognitive and physical health). Nothing else matters.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Chat with my eldest sis
Kakak: mak masih x lalu makan
Me: nurul dah mula lum kemas bilik mak
Kakak: it seems that penyakit ni on the rise
Kakak: hari ytu kat klinik ade budak 8 thn
Kakak: then ade budak 18 thn
Kakak: TB kelenjar pulak
Me: i c
Kakak: mak kena ni
Me: area apa?
Kakak: so symtoms like batuk x de
Kakak: mak ken paru2
Kakak: yg jelas nye paru2 lah
Me: i c
Kakak: besok kena pi klinik tiram
Me: then dia masih kurus mcm dulu la ek
Kakak: lg kurus
Me: cannot be
Kakak: dengan dia x lalu nak makan i x tahu nak buat ape
Me: masa i balik memang dia dah kurus
Kakak: kalu dia x ade selera makan dlm 2,3 hari ni may be kena pi hospitalised
Me: ok
Me: then nanti
Me: kena masuk ward tb tu ke
Me: yg dulu mak hai masuk tu
Me: ingat tak?
Me: u n i pi melawat dia
Kakak: masa tu dia kena TB ke?
Kakak: or paru2 berair
Me: not sure
Me: tapi kan masa tu
Me: ward dia kecik je
Me: dekat dengan ward bersalin yg lama yg kat belakang tu
Me: tak sampai lagi ward atas bukit tu
Kakak: dekat dengan asrama jururawat ke?
Me: rasanya la
Kakak: i belum lg cakap ngan mak
Kakak: kalu dia x lalu makan dia may be hospitalised
Kakak: i rasa lebih baik nurse or doctor yg cakap
Me: yeah
Me: better that way
Kakak: dgn ubat2 yg pahit gile tu you can easily give up
Me: ye la
Kakak: i dah beritahu you kan
Kakak: yg halim ade call mak
Me: bila?
Me: u ckp abg midi yg call
Me: last week
Kakak: then after midi lah
Kakak: this i specially ask halim to call mak
Kakak: ask her to try and eat
Kakak: coz she told halim everything pahit
Kakak: even her breath
Kakak: her pillows
Kakak: bed sheet
Kakak: so she ask mana nak lalu makan
Me: then
Me: kan i ada beli
Me: yg linen punya spray tu
Me: sembur sikit2 la
Me: kasi wangi ke apa
Me: then
Me: bed sheet bau pahit?
Me: dia je kot yg rasa mcm tu
Kakak: exactly
Me: then dah dapat air purifier?
Kakak: its all in the head
Kakak: dah
Me: berapa harga?
Kakak: RM2200
Kakak: 200
Kakak: sori
Me: tak mahal
Me: beli kat mana?
Me: JJ ek
Kakak: giant
Me: i c
Me: jenis yg mcm kipas ke
Me: atau yg mcm wap tu
Kakak: yes
Kakak: macam kipas
Me: i c
Kakak: pakai ioniser
Me: kecik la sikit dari abg halim punya ek?
Me: i c
Kakak: nak tau lg
Kakak: nak tau lg pasal ape mak cakap
Kakak: dia cakap ngan halim dia x bole makan
Kakak: x lalu sungguh
Kakak: then halim cakap kalu x makan bole mati
Kakak: mak cakap dia redha mati
Kakak: then halim cakap itu macam bunuh diri
Kakak: sbb tak ikhtiar
Me: napa mak putus harap mcm tu
Me: dia tak kesian ke dengan i ni
Kakak: mak macam man pun kena ikhtiar makan
Kakak: kita tak lah cakap dia putus harap
Kakak: thats why i ask halim to call
Kakak: sbb ngan halim dia dengar cakap
Kakak: ngan i dia nak marah je
Kakak: tapi i tak le cakap kalu dia x makan bole mati
Kakaki: i x sampai hati
Me: mak tak kesian ke kat i ni
Me: jgn la buat mcm tu
Me: nanti la i beli kad phone esok
Me: nanti i call mak
Kakak: i kat sini tengok penderitaan dia
After the chat, I was feeling down, like always. Was, so it means as I am writing this, I am feeling not that down as I know that I can't let my emotions go down the hill like that. I need to stay focused and be rational no matter what.
I bought the phonecard and called home. Told kakak about it first so that she can tell mak before I called mak. When I called home, mak sounds so frail. Hearing her frail voice really breaks my heart. I did cried but I control my voice so that I will sound less depressing myself. I have to show that I am ok here and thus, she does not need to worry about me.
Been preoccupied with the statistical analysis this week. Dealing with numbers and whatnot really wear me down. By the end of the day, I have little energy to think about my sadness or to imagine unnecessary things. Alhamdulillah, I am physically healthy. Cognitively? I am still aware about my sanity and insanity. Not aware of it is dangerous.
My best friend told me that it is good to have a good laugh once a while after we have done crying. It is to balance our emotion. Yeah right. Well, at this stage, what I can do is pray for the best, hope for the best and do the best I can for every single thing that I do. It is hard to balance all things but it is not impossible.
Tomorrow, it is a better day than today!
Me: nurul dah mula lum kemas bilik mak
Kakak: it seems that penyakit ni on the rise
Kakak: hari ytu kat klinik ade budak 8 thn
Kakak: then ade budak 18 thn
Kakak: TB kelenjar pulak
Me: i c
Kakak: mak kena ni
Me: area apa?
Kakak: so symtoms like batuk x de
Kakak: mak ken paru2
Kakak: yg jelas nye paru2 lah
Me: i c
Kakak: besok kena pi klinik tiram
Me: then dia masih kurus mcm dulu la ek
Kakak: lg kurus
Me: cannot be
Kakak: dengan dia x lalu nak makan i x tahu nak buat ape
Me: masa i balik memang dia dah kurus
Kakak: kalu dia x ade selera makan dlm 2,3 hari ni may be kena pi hospitalised
Me: ok
Me: then nanti
Me: kena masuk ward tb tu ke
Me: yg dulu mak hai masuk tu
Me: ingat tak?
Me: u n i pi melawat dia
Kakak: masa tu dia kena TB ke?
Kakak: or paru2 berair
Me: not sure
Me: tapi kan masa tu
Me: ward dia kecik je
Me: dekat dengan ward bersalin yg lama yg kat belakang tu
Me: tak sampai lagi ward atas bukit tu
Kakak: dekat dengan asrama jururawat ke?
Me: rasanya la
Kakak: i belum lg cakap ngan mak
Kakak: kalu dia x lalu makan dia may be hospitalised
Kakak: i rasa lebih baik nurse or doctor yg cakap
Me: yeah
Me: better that way
Kakak: dgn ubat2 yg pahit gile tu you can easily give up
Me: ye la
Kakak: i dah beritahu you kan
Kakak: yg halim ade call mak
Me: bila?
Me: u ckp abg midi yg call
Me: last week
Kakak: then after midi lah
Kakak: this i specially ask halim to call mak
Kakak: ask her to try and eat
Kakak: coz she told halim everything pahit
Kakak: even her breath
Kakak: her pillows
Kakak: bed sheet
Kakak: so she ask mana nak lalu makan
Me: then
Me: kan i ada beli
Me: yg linen punya spray tu
Me: sembur sikit2 la
Me: kasi wangi ke apa
Me: then
Me: bed sheet bau pahit?
Me: dia je kot yg rasa mcm tu
Kakak: exactly
Me: then dah dapat air purifier?
Kakak: its all in the head
Kakak: dah
Me: berapa harga?
Kakak: RM2200
Kakak: 200
Kakak: sori
Me: tak mahal
Me: beli kat mana?
Me: JJ ek
Kakak: giant
Me: i c
Me: jenis yg mcm kipas ke
Me: atau yg mcm wap tu
Kakak: yes
Kakak: macam kipas
Me: i c
Kakak: pakai ioniser
Me: kecik la sikit dari abg halim punya ek?
Me: i c
Kakak: nak tau lg
Kakak: nak tau lg pasal ape mak cakap
Kakak: dia cakap ngan halim dia x bole makan
Kakak: x lalu sungguh
Kakak: then halim cakap kalu x makan bole mati
Kakak: mak cakap dia redha mati
Kakak: then halim cakap itu macam bunuh diri
Kakak: sbb tak ikhtiar
Me: napa mak putus harap mcm tu
Me: dia tak kesian ke dengan i ni
Kakak: mak macam man pun kena ikhtiar makan
Kakak: kita tak lah cakap dia putus harap
Kakak: thats why i ask halim to call
Kakak: sbb ngan halim dia dengar cakap
Kakak: ngan i dia nak marah je
Kakak: tapi i tak le cakap kalu dia x makan bole mati
Kakaki: i x sampai hati
Me: mak tak kesian ke kat i ni
Me: jgn la buat mcm tu
Me: nanti la i beli kad phone esok
Me: nanti i call mak
Kakak: i kat sini tengok penderitaan dia
After the chat, I was feeling down, like always. Was, so it means as I am writing this, I am feeling not that down as I know that I can't let my emotions go down the hill like that. I need to stay focused and be rational no matter what.
I bought the phonecard and called home. Told kakak about it first so that she can tell mak before I called mak. When I called home, mak sounds so frail. Hearing her frail voice really breaks my heart. I did cried but I control my voice so that I will sound less depressing myself. I have to show that I am ok here and thus, she does not need to worry about me.
Been preoccupied with the statistical analysis this week. Dealing with numbers and whatnot really wear me down. By the end of the day, I have little energy to think about my sadness or to imagine unnecessary things. Alhamdulillah, I am physically healthy. Cognitively? I am still aware about my sanity and insanity. Not aware of it is dangerous.
My best friend told me that it is good to have a good laugh once a while after we have done crying. It is to balance our emotion. Yeah right. Well, at this stage, what I can do is pray for the best, hope for the best and do the best I can for every single thing that I do. It is hard to balance all things but it is not impossible.
Tomorrow, it is a better day than today!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thanks for making my day a better day ....
I know that I am not supposed to do this but anyway, I just did it. Think about it then what a heck! I have nothing to lose or gain... so I sent this to his FB inbox
Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....
All the best in your life....
Then before I know it, he replied...
Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!
WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!
Selamat menyambut ulang tahun yg ke whatever.... age is just a number... yet significant ....
All the best in your life....
Then before I know it, he replied...
Thanks ***! How's life now in Durham? berapa lama lagi kat sana? been a while tak masuk FB..... huhuhuhu age is just a number... and indeed significant... yep. wat matter most how u live ur life to the fullest!
WOW!!!! I am really over the moon right now... a simple reply like that can bring difference in my life! Even though it is just for a day or two!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
MGDC ...
I am busy. No doubt about it. It seems that there are so many steps that I have to do with the qualitative analysis. Tedious work. Yet I have to do it painstakingly one by one with full TLC so that I will not miss a thing.
Basically these are the phases that I have to undergo for the thematic analysis. If the case is not that complex, with only a datum to deal with, it will not take me that long to analyze. Having more than 5 participants plus the written answers that I have to code, it will definitely take time. One thing at a time.
1. Familiarizing myself with the data (transcribing, reading, translating, re-reading, noting down initial ideas)
2. Generating initial codes.
3. Searching for the themes
4. Reviewing the themes
5. Defining and naming themes
6. Producing reports
I am still in the first phase. Going to the second phase slowly... bit by bit....
Meanwhile, I am diverting my attention from my data by writing a paper that I want to present in Glasgow in January next year. I told my SV previously that I want to present paper when I am in my 2nd year or 3rd year. When I have data to present. I never present any paper even at departmental level. Just had presented a poster thingy last year. It seems so long time ago. *sigh*
So, I am challenging myself to do something that I am not used to do. I know that it is not a big deal to present in a colloquium .... yet I want to give it a try. Haven't told my SV about it but I am going to do it anyway. I don't think my SV will disapprove it. As long as I am still doing my work, taking a break from writing to presenting paper should be okay.
I am also challenging myself to finish reading books that I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and adding up my knowledge to other things non related to my research. I have finished reading Oliver Sack's book, The island of the color-blind and cycad island and also another book by Howard Engel's book, The man who forgot how to read. Even though it is not that easy to understand such abnormal phenomena... yet I find that it is very humbling to realise that there are many things that I take for granted all these while. A simple task as reading or writing my own name and reading what I have wrote is so easy. Yet, if Allah takes the ability from me, I don't know how I will survive doing PhD without the ability to understand what I have written as I can only write, but not read. This is what happened to Howard when he has stroke and as a writer, it is frustrating when you can write down your thoughts but not able to understand what you have written. With Sack's book, I have read it long time ago. It is about color-blind people and how certain food can alter our genetic code that lead to such disorder. Yet, people who are color-blind and living with the whole population of color-blind might regard people who are not color-blind as peculiar. We are weird in the world of color-blind people. And vice versa.
It shows how societal values are important in determining what is valued and what is not valued. Most of the time, what we understand and how we understand the things around is based on that. In normal condition, people might retaliate the change societal values. It is as if we are losing our identity. As Yed used to say, to lose our identity, to challenge our way of thinking is frightening. Yet, if we don't do that, we will never change. To change means we are taking risk to lose something that we are comfortable with. Are we dare to do that?.....
Basically these are the phases that I have to undergo for the thematic analysis. If the case is not that complex, with only a datum to deal with, it will not take me that long to analyze. Having more than 5 participants plus the written answers that I have to code, it will definitely take time. One thing at a time.
1. Familiarizing myself with the data (transcribing, reading, translating, re-reading, noting down initial ideas)
2. Generating initial codes.
3. Searching for the themes
4. Reviewing the themes
5. Defining and naming themes
6. Producing reports
I am still in the first phase. Going to the second phase slowly... bit by bit....
Meanwhile, I am diverting my attention from my data by writing a paper that I want to present in Glasgow in January next year. I told my SV previously that I want to present paper when I am in my 2nd year or 3rd year. When I have data to present. I never present any paper even at departmental level. Just had presented a poster thingy last year. It seems so long time ago. *sigh*
So, I am challenging myself to do something that I am not used to do. I know that it is not a big deal to present in a colloquium .... yet I want to give it a try. Haven't told my SV about it but I am going to do it anyway. I don't think my SV will disapprove it. As long as I am still doing my work, taking a break from writing to presenting paper should be okay.
I am also challenging myself to finish reading books that I enjoy reading for the sake of reading and adding up my knowledge to other things non related to my research. I have finished reading Oliver Sack's book, The island of the color-blind and cycad island and also another book by Howard Engel's book, The man who forgot how to read. Even though it is not that easy to understand such abnormal phenomena... yet I find that it is very humbling to realise that there are many things that I take for granted all these while. A simple task as reading or writing my own name and reading what I have wrote is so easy. Yet, if Allah takes the ability from me, I don't know how I will survive doing PhD without the ability to understand what I have written as I can only write, but not read. This is what happened to Howard when he has stroke and as a writer, it is frustrating when you can write down your thoughts but not able to understand what you have written. With Sack's book, I have read it long time ago. It is about color-blind people and how certain food can alter our genetic code that lead to such disorder. Yet, people who are color-blind and living with the whole population of color-blind might regard people who are not color-blind as peculiar. We are weird in the world of color-blind people. And vice versa.
It shows how societal values are important in determining what is valued and what is not valued. Most of the time, what we understand and how we understand the things around is based on that. In normal condition, people might retaliate the change societal values. It is as if we are losing our identity. As Yed used to say, to lose our identity, to challenge our way of thinking is frightening. Yet, if we don't do that, we will never change. To change means we are taking risk to lose something that we are comfortable with. Are we dare to do that?.....
Monday, November 2, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 5
It has been a while since the last time I wrote something here. Been busy with "donkey work" (term invented by Kak N***** to describe the tedious work of transcribing and translating interviews). It is tedious. Wish could employ someone to do it. Been a little moody. Heck... I am always not in my best mood.
I don't know. I need space. All I need to overcome my grief is time and space. Space does not mean literally I need a bigger space. Just I need a "space", a little peace of mind... whereby I don't need people to ask me about my well being. Stop asking me the same thing again and again. Just watch me closely to know if I am okay or not.
If I am keeping things to myself, it could be due to many things unrelated to others. Just be open minded and not too judgmental. Just had a chat with Kak N***** and told her that I find myself very hard to express my feeling lately. It is not that I don't want to share my feeling with others but somehow, from experience I feel that I want to be selective this time.
Told her about my mom. It is really worrying. One thing after another. How am I going to face it? The only thing I can do now is pray that things will be better for my mom. I am far away from her. Even though her condition could be terminal without medication, I pray that she will be cured from that. If Mak Hai can be cured, she also can even though she is older than Mak Hai.
In this state of choleric melancholic, I will enjoy the moment. Enjoy the feeling of being hopeless.... as long as I am still aware of my well being ... I am okay...
I don't know. I need space. All I need to overcome my grief is time and space. Space does not mean literally I need a bigger space. Just I need a "space", a little peace of mind... whereby I don't need people to ask me about my well being. Stop asking me the same thing again and again. Just watch me closely to know if I am okay or not.
If I am keeping things to myself, it could be due to many things unrelated to others. Just be open minded and not too judgmental. Just had a chat with Kak N***** and told her that I find myself very hard to express my feeling lately. It is not that I don't want to share my feeling with others but somehow, from experience I feel that I want to be selective this time.
Told her about my mom. It is really worrying. One thing after another. How am I going to face it? The only thing I can do now is pray that things will be better for my mom. I am far away from her. Even though her condition could be terminal without medication, I pray that she will be cured from that. If Mak Hai can be cured, she also can even though she is older than Mak Hai.
In this state of choleric melancholic, I will enjoy the moment. Enjoy the feeling of being hopeless.... as long as I am still aware of my well being ... I am okay...
Friday, October 16, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 4
Today is Friday. I know that I am not supposed to do it yet I am doing it anyway. Yup, counting the days since bapa passed away. I know it is not healthy yet I am doing it anyway. I count the days to remind myself of him as well as how short life is.
My mind is pretty preoccupied with research. Although I am still doing the transcribing, yet when I got the book that I bought from Amazon yesterday, I haven't do any transcribing today. I am really got hooked up with this book. It is about thematic analysis of qualitative data. Kak N***** told me about it and I bought it last Monday. I got it yesterday. I told Zac about it and before I know it Nihra (who is down under in New Zealand) also got interested with the book within a day! The power of networking. I told Zac because she is also doing something about mixed method research. Thematic analysis is one of the ways to analyse qualitative data. There are other methods. I intend to use it because it suits with the type of data that I have.
The book was well written and as if the author is having a conversation with me aka the reader. Zac told me that the book is rather "old" and thus it could be obsolete. My justification is since Boyatzis is The Man in thematic analysis, it would be unfair to leave him out from any discussion about thematic analysis. Thematic analysis was developed from what psychologists used in their thematic apperception test (TAT). In this sense, it was developed to analyse research data rather than data from psychological therapy. David McClelland was The Man in the creation of TAT. I told Zac, it would be helpful if we know a wide array of methods that we can use for qualitative analysis, just in case we might be asked by the examiner during our viva later on.
Alhamdulillah, I have such friends to share such information. I am blessed that I found such people in this journey as this journey would be much harder had I not have them as my friends. We can talk, we can argue, we can "kutuk" each other without hurting each other feeling because even though we might have our differences yet we know that we will be there for each other without fail.
I wonder if trust is given or we earn it. We expect that people give their trust to us. We think that we might deserve to earn it. Yet, what make people trust or earn trust from others are based on subjective matter.
I trust people when they don't have anything to hide. They are true to their self. Most of the time, from my thematic analysis of people behavior, some people are so afraid to open up (even though they say that they are open minded and easy going type of people). They expect that other people to understand them whereby they themselves do not understand what they want or need on a first place. In short, they are having what we termed as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance can account for the psychological consequences of disconfirmed expectations. We have it most of the time. Just the most important is what we do with the cognitive dissonance that we experienced. Active and optimistic approach to overcome the cognitive dissonance are healthy for one's psychological state.
I am not talking about spirituality here because I believe spiritual health comes from spiritual activities or ibadah (and since every single act is an ibadah, our spiritual state is always at stake).
Coming back to the subject matter of trust, do I trust myself? Trust is different from confidence. I might feel confident about myself, my ability, yet do I trust myself? One might feel hurt due to the fact of not being trusted. My stand is I don't care much if people trust me or not. What matter most how I trust myself. People's trust are subjected on their preferences and perhaps social values that might be different from mine. So, it is something which is beyond my control. I can't control what people believe, don't I? I trust myself that I will be true to myself no matter what. Thus, I will be true to other people around me. If some of them feel that I am not true to them, it is their stand that I will respect. I don't need people to understand me. To understand myself is a challenge in itself that I have to struggle with. Thus, to understand others is another challenge that I should not care too much about it. After all, I have so many things to handle at the moment. Cheers!
My mind is pretty preoccupied with research. Although I am still doing the transcribing, yet when I got the book that I bought from Amazon yesterday, I haven't do any transcribing today. I am really got hooked up with this book. It is about thematic analysis of qualitative data. Kak N***** told me about it and I bought it last Monday. I got it yesterday. I told Zac about it and before I know it Nihra (who is down under in New Zealand) also got interested with the book within a day! The power of networking. I told Zac because she is also doing something about mixed method research. Thematic analysis is one of the ways to analyse qualitative data. There are other methods. I intend to use it because it suits with the type of data that I have.
The book was well written and as if the author is having a conversation with me aka the reader. Zac told me that the book is rather "old" and thus it could be obsolete. My justification is since Boyatzis is The Man in thematic analysis, it would be unfair to leave him out from any discussion about thematic analysis. Thematic analysis was developed from what psychologists used in their thematic apperception test (TAT). In this sense, it was developed to analyse research data rather than data from psychological therapy. David McClelland was The Man in the creation of TAT. I told Zac, it would be helpful if we know a wide array of methods that we can use for qualitative analysis, just in case we might be asked by the examiner during our viva later on.
Alhamdulillah, I have such friends to share such information. I am blessed that I found such people in this journey as this journey would be much harder had I not have them as my friends. We can talk, we can argue, we can "kutuk" each other without hurting each other feeling because even though we might have our differences yet we know that we will be there for each other without fail.
I wonder if trust is given or we earn it. We expect that people give their trust to us. We think that we might deserve to earn it. Yet, what make people trust or earn trust from others are based on subjective matter.
I trust people when they don't have anything to hide. They are true to their self. Most of the time, from my thematic analysis of people behavior, some people are so afraid to open up (even though they say that they are open minded and easy going type of people). They expect that other people to understand them whereby they themselves do not understand what they want or need on a first place. In short, they are having what we termed as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance can account for the psychological consequences of disconfirmed expectations. We have it most of the time. Just the most important is what we do with the cognitive dissonance that we experienced. Active and optimistic approach to overcome the cognitive dissonance are healthy for one's psychological state.
I am not talking about spirituality here because I believe spiritual health comes from spiritual activities or ibadah (and since every single act is an ibadah, our spiritual state is always at stake).
Coming back to the subject matter of trust, do I trust myself? Trust is different from confidence. I might feel confident about myself, my ability, yet do I trust myself? One might feel hurt due to the fact of not being trusted. My stand is I don't care much if people trust me or not. What matter most how I trust myself. People's trust are subjected on their preferences and perhaps social values that might be different from mine. So, it is something which is beyond my control. I can't control what people believe, don't I? I trust myself that I will be true to myself no matter what. Thus, I will be true to other people around me. If some of them feel that I am not true to them, it is their stand that I will respect. I don't need people to understand me. To understand myself is a challenge in itself that I have to struggle with. Thus, to understand others is another challenge that I should not care too much about it. After all, I have so many things to handle at the moment. Cheers!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 3.5
Saw Sab's graduation pictures (Sab is my niece, 2nd child of my eldest sis). How time flies! Then I saw my bro-in-law aka his abah wore a familiar batik shirt. It's one of my late dad's favorite batik shirt. The very one I bought for him when I started working at UTM. I still remembered the conversation that bapa had with Pak Cik Karim about his children when he wore the shirt during raya 2005. He complained to Pak Cik Karim that his children seldom bought him anything. Then, I pointed out to him and Pak Cik Karim, that the batik shirt , the pants and also the shoes that he's wearing at that time were bought by me. Then he smiled saying "Baru ni je dia belikan". Pak Cik Karim knowingly gleefully smiled. Yeah. He knows his elder brother well.
Seeing the shirt made me shed tears. I miss him. I miss to hear his complaint. I miss it when we had our argument about his dietary. I miss to hug him. I miss everything about him.
Thinking back, Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with the chance to see him alive for the very last time when I rushed back last August. To stay at the hospital with him was a priceless experience. I am quite surprise that I don't feel tired at that time even though I did lots of things ... rushing here and there. I am blessed too with the fact that I am still single. Had I were married at that time, with little tots on tow, it will be harder. Kakak was also blessed with such understanding hubby and the fact that her kids are above 20s. Ayang (her youngest child) is studying at UTM. 3rd year. How time flies! I still remember when she was in her 1st year. She does not want to be seen with me.
Like what Kak N***** said, at least I have done my part well. There are nothing to regret. Had I come back a bit later than I did, I might not be able to see him for the last time. Had I wait Kak Ani and family to come to Durham, I might not be able to take turn with kakak to accompany him at the hospital. I have nothing to regret. I am blessed that I have nothing to regret. Alhamdulillah.
Looking back, the timing was right. It's perfect. Alhamdulillah.
Even though A*** wasn't in Durham anymore when I came back to UK. I am glad that I had spent meaningful and wonderful time before I rushed back. I am glad that she was there to accompany me. I am lucky, indeed.
I am blessed to have wonderful people around me. Alhamdulillah, K** and S******* are here as my housemates. I am blessed that I am not staying alone.
Seeing the shirt made me shed tears. I miss him. I miss to hear his complaint. I miss it when we had our argument about his dietary. I miss to hug him. I miss everything about him.
Thinking back, Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with the chance to see him alive for the very last time when I rushed back last August. To stay at the hospital with him was a priceless experience. I am quite surprise that I don't feel tired at that time even though I did lots of things ... rushing here and there. I am blessed too with the fact that I am still single. Had I were married at that time, with little tots on tow, it will be harder. Kakak was also blessed with such understanding hubby and the fact that her kids are above 20s. Ayang (her youngest child) is studying at UTM. 3rd year. How time flies! I still remember when she was in her 1st year. She does not want to be seen with me.
Like what Kak N***** said, at least I have done my part well. There are nothing to regret. Had I come back a bit later than I did, I might not be able to see him for the last time. Had I wait Kak Ani and family to come to Durham, I might not be able to take turn with kakak to accompany him at the hospital. I have nothing to regret. I am blessed that I have nothing to regret. Alhamdulillah.
Looking back, the timing was right. It's perfect. Alhamdulillah.
Even though A*** wasn't in Durham anymore when I came back to UK. I am glad that I had spent meaningful and wonderful time before I rushed back. I am glad that she was there to accompany me. I am lucky, indeed.
I am blessed to have wonderful people around me. Alhamdulillah, K** and S******* are here as my housemates. I am blessed that I am not staying alone.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 3
Had a good cry with Kak N***** over the phone. It was therapeutic. She made me realize many things that I overlook. Thanks for being there for me. I need this kind of people to help me go through this phase successfully.
I know that I can be aloof to some people who care about me after I lost my dad and have good intentions by asking me about him and my well being, but the thing is I don't wish to share with them about my feeling for many reasons. Being sympathetic is not what I need. I need someone who empathize. Empathic people are people who always be there for you no matter what. Little things count along the way. Sometime it is not about asking how I am doing matter most, but rather being there when I need them most without me asking.
Some people show that they care but in actual fact, they don't give it a damn about you. They say, they care, they show, they care but instinctively, deep inside you, you know otherwise. They don't care about you. All that they care is about themselves i.e. how they have to cope with you who might change emotionally after your loss.
Psychologically, when people deal with loss of someone in the family, more than 50% of that person will change. Sometime the changes are not that visible. Yet, that person is changed.
I know that there are certain things have changed after I lost my dad. My views on certain things definitely have underwent some transformation. Do I like the new me? Yes, I am.
I know that I can be aloof to some people who care about me after I lost my dad and have good intentions by asking me about him and my well being, but the thing is I don't wish to share with them about my feeling for many reasons. Being sympathetic is not what I need. I need someone who empathize. Empathic people are people who always be there for you no matter what. Little things count along the way. Sometime it is not about asking how I am doing matter most, but rather being there when I need them most without me asking.
Some people show that they care but in actual fact, they don't give it a damn about you. They say, they care, they show, they care but instinctively, deep inside you, you know otherwise. They don't care about you. All that they care is about themselves i.e. how they have to cope with you who might change emotionally after your loss.
Psychologically, when people deal with loss of someone in the family, more than 50% of that person will change. Sometime the changes are not that visible. Yet, that person is changed.
I know that there are certain things have changed after I lost my dad. My views on certain things definitely have underwent some transformation. Do I like the new me? Yes, I am.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 2
Here I am, back in UK after nearly two months in Malaysia. I tried not to cry in front of mak when she sent me off at the airport. Seeing her waving her hand as I entered the departure hall really breaks my heart. I didn't cry when I hugged her but seeing her hand from afar, I cried. I continued to cry even on the plane. To make it not too obvious, I put a handkerchief on my eyes and only then I cried. I guess the passenger seating beside me can notice that I am crying, but with his understanding look, I can guess that he can sense that I am sad. Thanks for not asking what makes me sad. It is comforting to know that he cares yet not asking too much about it.
The nearly 20 hours journey to UK really feels so long. I can't sleep like always, yet I don't have any mood to watch any movie or listen to any song on the plane.
Things inside my room are still as it is as I left it. Seeing bapa's pictures on the wall makes me cried again.
Abg Zul and Kak Ila fetched me from the airport with Nadia and his dad. I was in Nadia's car since Abg Zul's car is full. I can't help from not crying when they asked me about my dad. I am becoming such a cry baby these days! I said to myself and others that I am ok. The reality is, I am not THAT ok in a real sense. This is just a phase.
I went to visit him with mak and kakak on Friday, a day before I left. Did a tahlil led by kakak after we recited surah Yassin. Mak was still sad. It seems that every single things that we do are under her scrutiny. She is also very high strung. It is hard to understand what's going on her mind at most of her time. I pray that kakak will be strong and patient to take care of her. I can't wait to finish my study ASAP. I wish that I could stay longer to accompany her.
I am still having the jet lag. Arghh... it's already 1020am (UK time) and just 520pm (Malaysian time). Yet, I am feeling light headed..... I will continue this entry...
The nearly 20 hours journey to UK really feels so long. I can't sleep like always, yet I don't have any mood to watch any movie or listen to any song on the plane.
Things inside my room are still as it is as I left it. Seeing bapa's pictures on the wall makes me cried again.
Abg Zul and Kak Ila fetched me from the airport with Nadia and his dad. I was in Nadia's car since Abg Zul's car is full. I can't help from not crying when they asked me about my dad. I am becoming such a cry baby these days! I said to myself and others that I am ok. The reality is, I am not THAT ok in a real sense. This is just a phase.
I went to visit him with mak and kakak on Friday, a day before I left. Did a tahlil led by kakak after we recited surah Yassin. Mak was still sad. It seems that every single things that we do are under her scrutiny. She is also very high strung. It is hard to understand what's going on her mind at most of her time. I pray that kakak will be strong and patient to take care of her. I can't wait to finish my study ASAP. I wish that I could stay longer to accompany her.
I am still having the jet lag. Arghh... it's already 1020am (UK time) and just 520pm (Malaysian time). Yet, I am feeling light headed..... I will continue this entry...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Grief and bereavement ... phase 1
It has been nearly two months since the last time I wrote something here. Just a quick summary:
- I heard that bapa's condition is deteriorating on 7 August. Less than a week after I went back from a trip to Europe. I immediately booked a ticket back to Malaysia on 10 August and off I went back to Malaysia.
- On 11 August, after a flight delay in Dubai and penalty that I have to pay to MAS for the flight that I missed (due to the delay in Dubai), I safely arrived in JB late night. Went straight to HSI (Hospital Sultan Ismail) to see bapa. I was so shocked to see his condition. With tubes all over his frail body, I just couldn't believe to see him in that way. I broke down but I promised kakak that I would not cry again like that.
- Although kakak tried to hide some of the things from me, deep inside my heart, I know that his days are numbered. I just had the feeling.
- I started to take turn to wait him at HSI on Friday. I am so nervous. What if I mistakenly do something to make thing worst? Bapa had to be fed using tube and kakak asked me to ask the nurse to teach me how to feed him using the tube. I fed him using the tube with the assistance of a trainee nurse. It was a success. It is not that difficult.
- Bapa opened his eyes for a while that day (Friday). I put my face close to his face and asked him if he knew me. He mumbled something. He's responded. Alhamdulillah. I don't care much if he still remembered me or not as I have accepted the fact that he's no longer recognize me a long time ago.
- An Indian patient died on Saturday. It is so sad to see him passed away without anyone noticing it. Not even the nurse. His bed is in front of Bapa's bed. I saw that he is sleeping yet I wonder why his eyes are opened. I thought that perhaps he used to fall asleep with his eyes open. I also noticed that a machine was beeping continuously. I don't know what does it mean if it is beeping. If I alerted the nurse or a doctor, does it make any difference?
- At the time, while nurses and doctors tried to save the Indian uncle, Bapa was grimacing and groaning, as if he knew what's happening to his neighbour. I put my face close to his and muttering Allah to his left ear until he's asleep.
- On Sunday, there is a new patient admitted. From my limited knowledge of medicine, it seems that he is having a stroke. His sons and daughter were there. Two of them left and only one stayed to wait for him. Two doctors came. Trainee doctors. From a far, I notice that the uncle couldn't move his right hand and leg. Then I noticed that he's having a difficulty in speech. Only then I realised that he has a stroke, indeed. This uncle passed away on Wednesday. It broke my heart to see siblings quarreling in front of their dad to argue about who wants to stay at the hospital to wait from their dad. Alhamdulillah, kakak and I are quite free to stay at the hospital to wait for bapa. Kakak is lucky to have such an understanding husband. She is lucky too as her children are in their 20s.
- On Monday, kakak called me and asked me to come a bit earlier. When I came, she looked so gloom. With tears on her eyes, she told me that the doctor asked us to bring bapa back. There is little thing can be done for him in the hospital. I know what it means. We started to make plans. We have to find the suppliers that can supply things like the hospital has. From bed to the urine bag. Both of us felt so loss. I decided to call Abg Halim. He needs to know about it. I called Kak Zap when I couldn't reach him. I know he is busy so I don't want to disturb him. Managed to get in touch with Kak Zap and she promised to let Abg Halim knows about bapa.
- On Tuesday, Kak Zap called. I just couldn't control myself. I cried. I told her that we (kakak and I) need Abg Halim to help us to decide certain things. Apparently, Abg Halim sat beside her. May be he heard me crying so he told me that he will go back to JB ASAP. He arrived at the hospital at noon. I am so relieved to see him. I asked him to see kakak to discuss the things we should do for bapa.
- Kak Ila advised me to cut bapa's nails. I know what she means. I bought a manicure set and I cut his nails. I also did a pedicure for him. I massaged his legs, hands and body. I don't know if he can feel anything. I also don't know if what I am doing give any pain to him. I did the best I could as perhaps one of the last things I can do for him while he is still alive.
- I saw that his condition is worsening on Friday. There are few times when he completely stopped breathing. I was so panic. Every time it happened, I will massage his chest. Then he will cough. Seeing him coughing, give me a sense of relief! Kakak and I will always change any information about bapa. A slight change in his breathing pattern, change of color on his feet or hands, his reflect action.... we will tell and both of us know that he might go any time. Kakak said to me, she wondered, is it my time (turn to wait him) or her time that bapa will go. I told her, if it is during my turn, I redha and hope that I am not alone. At that time, it is agonizing to leave him even for a few minutes to pray. I have planned to pray beside his bed. I know it is weird since the surau is not that far but I don't want to leave him even for a second. I know it is a bit obsessive of me. In the end, I prayed during the visiting hours when there is Abg Midi or kakak were around.
- Abg Midi came back on Thursday. He dreamed something about bapa. He rushed back from KL leaving his heavily pregnant wife and son. He planned to go back on Monday. He changed his plan and went back to KL on Saturday night after iftar instead. Little that we know, bapa passed away on Sunday morning before subuh.
- As if he knew that Ramadhan is coming, he toughed it out and held on until Ramadhan. He was a fighter.
- His siblings (same mom and dad) managed to see him while he is still alive. Pak Cik Karim came all away from KL upon hearing that he is admitted to the hospital and never fail asked kakak his daily progress. Pak Cik Sam also came. It is heartbreaking to hear what Pak Cik Sam said to bapa. Bapa was the one responsible to register him to an English school. For that, Pak Cik Sam said that he is forever grateful with what bapa has done for him. Pak Cik Diman also came from Kedah. Only bapa's older sisters didn't came. Both of them are not in a good condition themselves.
- Since bapa passed away, I slept with mak to accompany her. It really breaks my heart every time she cried in her sleep. Sometimes, she will mumble something in her sleep. I don't know what to do and what can I do to help her to undergo this phase.
- This raya is different. Went to masjid to solat raya and went to visit bapa after that. Some said that to visit the cemetary during hari raya can be a bid'ah. My stand is since my dad is there, going there is like a normal visit that people do during hari raya.
- I am going back to UK on 4 October. Since the day I went back last August, I didn't touch my work at all. I have a difficulty to focus. I know that I have to control my emotion and be strong no matter what. It is easy said than done. It is just a phase. I will go through it successfully.
- I heard that bapa's condition is deteriorating on 7 August. Less than a week after I went back from a trip to Europe. I immediately booked a ticket back to Malaysia on 10 August and off I went back to Malaysia.
- On 11 August, after a flight delay in Dubai and penalty that I have to pay to MAS for the flight that I missed (due to the delay in Dubai), I safely arrived in JB late night. Went straight to HSI (Hospital Sultan Ismail) to see bapa. I was so shocked to see his condition. With tubes all over his frail body, I just couldn't believe to see him in that way. I broke down but I promised kakak that I would not cry again like that.
- Although kakak tried to hide some of the things from me, deep inside my heart, I know that his days are numbered. I just had the feeling.
- I started to take turn to wait him at HSI on Friday. I am so nervous. What if I mistakenly do something to make thing worst? Bapa had to be fed using tube and kakak asked me to ask the nurse to teach me how to feed him using the tube. I fed him using the tube with the assistance of a trainee nurse. It was a success. It is not that difficult.
- Bapa opened his eyes for a while that day (Friday). I put my face close to his face and asked him if he knew me. He mumbled something. He's responded. Alhamdulillah. I don't care much if he still remembered me or not as I have accepted the fact that he's no longer recognize me a long time ago.
- An Indian patient died on Saturday. It is so sad to see him passed away without anyone noticing it. Not even the nurse. His bed is in front of Bapa's bed. I saw that he is sleeping yet I wonder why his eyes are opened. I thought that perhaps he used to fall asleep with his eyes open. I also noticed that a machine was beeping continuously. I don't know what does it mean if it is beeping. If I alerted the nurse or a doctor, does it make any difference?
- At the time, while nurses and doctors tried to save the Indian uncle, Bapa was grimacing and groaning, as if he knew what's happening to his neighbour. I put my face close to his and muttering Allah to his left ear until he's asleep.
- On Sunday, there is a new patient admitted. From my limited knowledge of medicine, it seems that he is having a stroke. His sons and daughter were there. Two of them left and only one stayed to wait for him. Two doctors came. Trainee doctors. From a far, I notice that the uncle couldn't move his right hand and leg. Then I noticed that he's having a difficulty in speech. Only then I realised that he has a stroke, indeed. This uncle passed away on Wednesday. It broke my heart to see siblings quarreling in front of their dad to argue about who wants to stay at the hospital to wait from their dad. Alhamdulillah, kakak and I are quite free to stay at the hospital to wait for bapa. Kakak is lucky to have such an understanding husband. She is lucky too as her children are in their 20s.
- On Monday, kakak called me and asked me to come a bit earlier. When I came, she looked so gloom. With tears on her eyes, she told me that the doctor asked us to bring bapa back. There is little thing can be done for him in the hospital. I know what it means. We started to make plans. We have to find the suppliers that can supply things like the hospital has. From bed to the urine bag. Both of us felt so loss. I decided to call Abg Halim. He needs to know about it. I called Kak Zap when I couldn't reach him. I know he is busy so I don't want to disturb him. Managed to get in touch with Kak Zap and she promised to let Abg Halim knows about bapa.
- On Tuesday, Kak Zap called. I just couldn't control myself. I cried. I told her that we (kakak and I) need Abg Halim to help us to decide certain things. Apparently, Abg Halim sat beside her. May be he heard me crying so he told me that he will go back to JB ASAP. He arrived at the hospital at noon. I am so relieved to see him. I asked him to see kakak to discuss the things we should do for bapa.
- Kak Ila advised me to cut bapa's nails. I know what she means. I bought a manicure set and I cut his nails. I also did a pedicure for him. I massaged his legs, hands and body. I don't know if he can feel anything. I also don't know if what I am doing give any pain to him. I did the best I could as perhaps one of the last things I can do for him while he is still alive.
- I saw that his condition is worsening on Friday. There are few times when he completely stopped breathing. I was so panic. Every time it happened, I will massage his chest. Then he will cough. Seeing him coughing, give me a sense of relief! Kakak and I will always change any information about bapa. A slight change in his breathing pattern, change of color on his feet or hands, his reflect action.... we will tell and both of us know that he might go any time. Kakak said to me, she wondered, is it my time (turn to wait him) or her time that bapa will go. I told her, if it is during my turn, I redha and hope that I am not alone. At that time, it is agonizing to leave him even for a few minutes to pray. I have planned to pray beside his bed. I know it is weird since the surau is not that far but I don't want to leave him even for a second. I know it is a bit obsessive of me. In the end, I prayed during the visiting hours when there is Abg Midi or kakak were around.
- Abg Midi came back on Thursday. He dreamed something about bapa. He rushed back from KL leaving his heavily pregnant wife and son. He planned to go back on Monday. He changed his plan and went back to KL on Saturday night after iftar instead. Little that we know, bapa passed away on Sunday morning before subuh.
- As if he knew that Ramadhan is coming, he toughed it out and held on until Ramadhan. He was a fighter.
- His siblings (same mom and dad) managed to see him while he is still alive. Pak Cik Karim came all away from KL upon hearing that he is admitted to the hospital and never fail asked kakak his daily progress. Pak Cik Sam also came. It is heartbreaking to hear what Pak Cik Sam said to bapa. Bapa was the one responsible to register him to an English school. For that, Pak Cik Sam said that he is forever grateful with what bapa has done for him. Pak Cik Diman also came from Kedah. Only bapa's older sisters didn't came. Both of them are not in a good condition themselves.
- Since bapa passed away, I slept with mak to accompany her. It really breaks my heart every time she cried in her sleep. Sometimes, she will mumble something in her sleep. I don't know what to do and what can I do to help her to undergo this phase.
- This raya is different. Went to masjid to solat raya and went to visit bapa after that. Some said that to visit the cemetary during hari raya can be a bid'ah. My stand is since my dad is there, going there is like a normal visit that people do during hari raya.
- I am going back to UK on 4 October. Since the day I went back last August, I didn't touch my work at all. I have a difficulty to focus. I know that I have to control my emotion and be strong no matter what. It is easy said than done. It is just a phase. I will go through it successfully.
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