Positive vibes.....

I always anxious when it comes to meeting my supervisors. With Steve, even though I know his sexual orientation, yet I always feel anxious like going for the first date every time I am meeting him. I know. Some might say "Ewwww" but in this sense, I just can't help myself from staring at his blue eyes. So cantik ok? (ayat Min suka guna).

With Barbara that I like to dub as my future MIL (for the fact that I could be her next DIL given the fact that she has an eligible son, *** studying PhD in Chemistry in Cambridge - Perasannya!!!!). So, how does it feel to meet your MIL for the first time? That's the feeling that I have every time I am meeting her.

I was reading this book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It is like any other self-motivation book. The power of visualisation etc.

In Islam, we have similar concept. The power of Tawakal. Total submission of our destiny to Allah. Anyway, I am not going to elaborate on this thing.

What I did to prepare myself before going to meet my future MIL is, I visualised her welcoming me with her cheerful smile. After a while, I visualised her showing me anything that I need to edit in my report. I visualised myself having a good conversation with her. Guess what?

Every single thing that I visualised came true! A kind of spooky. It happened.

My next mission is to visualise the meeting that I will have with Steve next week. Ahhh.... I can see his extra neat room, his coats, extra ties hanging nicely on its place. The discussion will be great with lots of input from him. I visualise him telling me what statistical analysis that I could play around with as an alternative to factor analysis.

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S****** cried. Gosh, apa la minah Jepun ni menangiskan lagi hari ni? Detik hati. Remember Dja, positive vibes. Positive vibes. So I asked her, what's wrong? She replied that it has something to do with her work and social life. Apparently, she has this flatmate who likes to irritate her to the maximum. I see. That's the problems. Or should I say, the challenges.

Positive vibes. Positive vibes. I told her that she should not worry too much about it. People might irritate you ONLY if you let yourself to get irritated by them. Don't let yourself to be sad unnecessarily over small thing. Don't sweat over a small stuff.

Each of us have our own problem when it comes to research. No one is spared from not having any problem about their research. There are lots of glitches here and there. In a positive tone, I told her that perhaps what she needs is time to let the information, ideas to digest so that she can produce better work. (speaking of which, I am also in a state of never ending confusion that I just dont know when it will end). Talking to her is like talking to myself. Yeah, take it easy, Dja.

The problems that we have is just problems. It needs to be as a part of life as it spices up the life. Cheer up! Nothing is negative unless we think it otherwise. Nothing is difficult unless we think it otherwise.

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Received another email from B*****. Apparently, he is pissed of with my statement that he can't stand an opinionated educated woman as a reference to myself. I never thought that he will replied this

Dij,

my wife-to-be is an opinionated and educated woman by her own right. i
AM marrying her.
takda masalah pun.
i can stand and withstand any woman or any man whether they are bright or dim.

"Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you
hear them speak"

Tengok tu. Tu dia. Ayat garang dia.

It really makes my day. Previously, I will feel sad. This time around, it really makes my day. I feel happy, I sound chirpy and when I walked to see Barbara, I feel as if there are wings on my feet.

This is what I replied to B*****

All the best, B*****!

We hold different piece of a puzzle! Each fit for different set of puzzles. Cheers!

And I add this too (the blue wordings)

"Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you
hear them speak" ONLY if you listen and understand what they said well...

Let's see what will he reply tomorrow. Anyway, he can feel annoyed for all I care.

I am happy as I can be. I am grateful with what I have and not have. I am glad that I am still single. I think that to do a PhD and starting a family seems so surreal. Alhamdulillah, what Allah has predestined for me works well for me. Previously, I used to think otherwise and asked myself, why such things happened to me. It is not the right attitude. Ya Allah, please forgive me for being unconsciously ungrateful to You.

Alhamdulillah. There is not enough ways and means to say Thank You to You, Ya Allah. Alhamdulillah.

Whatever....

Whatever 1: I never know how this started. I find myself replying B*****'s emails on daily basis. Babe? What are you doing? No need to worry. It seems that we just exchanging few banters here and there from afar. Nothing much about it. I guess he can't have the same kind of bantering with his future wifey. As a replied to my previous email, B***** said that life could be simple if we want to understand it in a simple way. Like the enjoyment of eating. Typical answer of his. Yeah right. For that matter, he resorts to me to challenge his mind. What a complicated thing to do? I am complicated. He said that. Well, for goodness sake, why on earth does he come to me for such kind of bantering? Argh. Man. They can never be satisfied. They want some simple minded women as their wives (so that they can control them ... err their mind) and resort to complicated, intricate, challenging kind of women that they don't want to commit. Am I the other woman? Oh please. This cannot be true. I should stop this. His emails = whatever. His advancement = whatever. Whatever.

Whatever 2: I am panic. My supervisor hasn't give me any feedback. Argh. What should I do now? I need the ethic committee's approval before I go back. Should I just send the summary to Sheena? Argh. The hard part is, my supervisor is one of the ethic committee members. Does it mean that I can get the things done in a jiff? How far can I rely on her position to help me with this things? I know that I should trust her. Yet, I just want to make sure that I do things correctly. Whatever.

Whatever 3: Kak Yeo has been very kind and helpful to call the EPU and EPRD. Alhamdulillah, my application to the KPT seems has no problem. They are processing the application and I will get the feedback by latest in March. With the EPU things, it seems that the approval must come from the office of KSU. Ketua Setiausaha Unit. Too many layers of bureaucracy. Whatever.

Life is life. Sometimes what we should do is just shrug off our shoulders and just move on. And say "WHATEVER".

The pain ...

I ignore it at first. Jangan nak mengada. Sakit sikit pun tak boleh ke nak tahan? I woke up this morning with a throb on that part. What's wrong with me? I ignore it and try to distract myself by doing other things. Clean my room, throw the rubbish (I need to get the fresh air) and enjoy my cuppa tea.

Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah I am still alive. The pain reminds me that I am still alive and kicking!

I will have a full check up again when I am in Malaysia. I should go the panel clinic instead of going to UTM clinic. If it is a serious thing, at least I know that no one in the vicinity of UTM knows about it. I should not be a paranoid here. Oh come on. It could be nothing and I would waste my time to worry about nothing.

Is this the effect of stress related symptom that I have whenever I am stressed? Argh... It could be nothing that I shouldn't worry about.

Life is life. Sometimes it is not worth to worry too much about it or ourselves. After all, it could be nothing important. Just brush it off. Move on.

An idea for a research

I have submitted the research ethics to my supervisor. Hope that I can get whatever feedback from her.

So to chill out, I cooked lunch thinking that K** might come back for lunch before heading for the afternoon class. Msg-ed her. She replied that she has few articles to read and thus, she will stay in the library.

N** and A****** planned to take pictures near Palace Green. I don't feel like going out. I feel that my body has started to get warmer. Nak demam lagi ke? Better take a rest. Enjoying the snow from inside. Yeah. Like Steve said, the best thing to do when it's snowing is to enjoy it from inside where it's warm.

So, here I am blogging, fbooking and whatnot. I have to refine my questionnaire and prepare the slides for presentation in March. Yet, I want to take a break for couples of hours. My stomach feels uncomfortable. Stress related symptom. Alhamdulillah. Just the stomachache, not the vomiting.

While reading others' blogs and whatnot, I got this idea. It would be nice to know the personality of bloggers through their blogs. It might be an academic research. Perhaps, it could be a research for a PhD even! What a thought! It can be realised.

1) "Analysis" of the aesthetics part. Is it simple? What is the font(s) used? What are the colors? What are the pictures posted? The frequency of pictures posted?

2) "Analysis" of the themes. What are the themes of a blog? In other words, what are the topics that a writer wrote in his/her blog?

3) "Analysis" of the wording/sentences used in a blog. Does the writer use third person phrase?

4) "Analysis" of the frequency of blogging. Is it daily? Weekly? Monthly? Or does a writer only write something based on his/her mood? Or based on events that happen to him/her?

5) "Analysis" of the followers' comments. Is it general? Is it argumentative?

6) Lastly, perhaps each blogger will have to answer a personality test like Big 5 Personality Test, or MMPI. By doing so, an analysis of personality could be derived by comparing certain personality with patterns of blogging.

Wah, sounds so simple. I bet there must be some ardent bloggers out there, have thought the same way as I am. Perhaps, there is someone who already embarking in this journey. Yeah. Finding out the bloggers' patterns and personality. Ayy..

Life is fun. Life has lots of unexplored things even after so many things have been discovered. It seems there are lots of thing left undiscovered and waiting to be explored. Life is a never ending exploration. Explore it while we can!

Three days in a row...

It is my first time to write this blog three days in a row. Never did it before. It seems that I have lots of time on my hand but the thing is I feel suffocated. Suffocated with the things I have to do and am struggling to do it.

I just don't know. I feel that, I dont have the mental agility that I used to have. I know that I should "polish" up my mental agility and concentration. A simple task watching TV (trying to make sense of the Brits accent) seems so hard. Argh, I should be selective and only watch American programmes.

It was snowing for a very short while. After that, I saw few birds flying care freely from my window. Ahhh... The feeling of freedom is priceless. I took a few seconds to close my eyes and imagine myself as one of the birds. While doing that, I breath in slowly and enjoy the every air that fill in my lungs and breath out again. I feel more calm after that.

(The picture was taken during the last visit to Amsterdam in Dec 08)

I should stop now. I need to catch up doing things that I suppose to do.

1) Letters to Z*** and A***.
2) Complete the 2 pages ethic committee thing
3) QA refining

Just three things that I have to do for today.

Another glitch...

Life is never a smooth sailing journey. I checked my university email and just found out that the annual review will be held on 5 March. Tried to negotiate with my supervisor. It seems that she is tired of arranging and rearranging things for me and the department. I tried to call the Emirates office but failed to get them. I feel that I need to get a fresh air and thus, I went to their office in Newcastle airport. Got things settle and have to pay extra less than 100pound. Alhamdulillah. This is just a minor glitch.

Called Kak N***** and jokingly said to her that perhaps I should pay more zakat. I think I must with the fact that my salary has been increased since last year and the year before, I guess this is the sign that I must zakat more.

Ya Allah, I am grateful that You gives me hidayah to double check my life. How many times do we have the privilege to double check our life? Life is too short. Just a glitch like that, I can deal with it even though I feel a bit numb because I was a bit panic. It is just a matter of fight-or-flight situation. I flight this time. Finding solution that would please my supervisor. That's what important right now.

My best friend sent me emails - two days in a row. Apparently, something happened and she told me that I am pushing it too far this time around. Whatever! The thing is I have moved on. I really am. Whatever it is, I have my own stand. New stand. I know it might take her sometime to get used to the New me.

Life is about changing, adapting, adjusting and making choices. So long as I know what I am doing, do not do anything that against Islam, nothing else matters.

I am hurt

Hurt is not the "word". Perhaps I am a bit exaggerating here. Fbooking with my old university mates yesterday. One said something that really hurts. Ouch! I know that I don't deserve to be here and to have what I have now. Ya Allah, I am thankful with what You Gives and Does not Give for I believe that there are hikmah that I may not know.

It is sickening to have friends who like to hurt you in any possible way. Even I am so far from them, it seems there are always ways to hurt other people's feeling.

Talked with S***** last night. We realise that to be with people who support you unconditionally is important. Yeah. It is because they will provide the positive vibes that will make things better despite whatever "negative" situation we are in.

I don't want to be with people with negative vibes. It is tiring. It is taxing. It drains your positive moods.

Had a conversation with K** the last two nights ago. It makes me realise that to stay humble, stay positive and be kind to others will pay off sooner or later. I know that I am a bit an uptight person. Some said that I am a perfectionist. I am also an optimist. Given a chance, I will make sure that whatever I do is the best and even though I have to sacrifice to get the best, I am willing to sacrifice. No doubt about that.

Be far from my family makes me learn and appreciate more about the meaning of sacrifices. People make sacrifice in their lives. Sometime, they don't have any option. Most of the time, we choose what kind of sacrifices that worth to be made.

I know that losing a friend or two who are with negative vibes is one of the sacrifices that I have to make. For that, I am not afraid and will not regret of losing such friends.

I have changed and this time around, I am not afraid of losing to move forward in my life.

D*****, I am so sorry. You always look down on me since the university days. At that time, I feel inferior whenever I am with you. This time around, I choose not to let your negative vibes to influence me in any way. I am lucky to have what I have now. I don't regret of not having things that I don't have. Allah Blesses me with lots of things that fits for me. The blessings and challenges that I have to face are different from yours, yet it does not define the real me. You do not fit with the new me. I am sorry.

J**, I never know you that well back then when we were studying. I still remember the day I went to your room to discuss about the subject that you have taken with Dr Pute-Rahimah. I was scared that I could not "survive" in her class. I remember you telling me this "Dij, you are different. You will survive. I never did any research for the subject that I will take next semester. I never ask anyone about the subject they have taken, that I will take the next semester. You have done more even before you enter her class. You will "survive" her class. I bet that she would like you even. Don't worry too much. I know that you will make it". J**, thanks to you, I took two more classes with her. I did enjoy her classes. She is a real survivor. She taught me more than just what was being spelled out in the course description. She taught me about being a survivor. It is never enough to thank you, J**. You provide me with the positive vibes even before I join the class. Thank you.