It is a new year for Muslims. So I celebrate this one every year instead of the Gregorian new year.
Everyone and anyone more or less will fuss over new year resolutions. Do I have any? Did I ever make one? I don't think I ever made any resolutions. I do have plans - long term, short term or indecisive plans (for plans that yet to be decided). Aims? I do have aims. Every aims I have a dateline (which is changeable accordingly - hey sometimes thing happens unexpected so aims has to be amended).
Wishlists? I have a long list for that. Previously I did write it down every thing that I want to do: Finish degree on time (did that), further study - Masters (did that), Phd (I never specifically write this one down I think) .... well, I have forgot some of them (purposely forget it - have passed the dateline by now).
New wishlists? I want to list all of them but I think it won't be enough space here or people will start to fall asleep when they read it (like a boring novel or text book or journal).
What I wish and what I don't are just a part of my life. Yeah. No need to publicize it.
Oh ya, I wish that I could share this experience that I have with others. I know it is a common kind of thing to do but for someone who never do it before, I think it is a good thing to know. Here is the thing. While shopping on the boxing day, I have the privilege to perform solat zuhur and 'asr in the fitting room of a shopping mall. Previously, I was either on musafir or have VALID excuse of not performing the wajib ibadah. Alhamdulillah. I feel blessed and content. I used to take things for granted given the fact that in any shopping mall in Malaysia, usually there is a surau. Here, even a masjid is hard to find. Alhamdulillah, a fitting room is more than enough for me and my friends to perform our solat. Alhamdulillah, I am given a chance to prostrate to Allah regardless of the place.
When I went to Edinburgh with my best friends and her family, I purposely went to Edinburgh masjid. I want to make sure that we have proper place to perform our solat. I feel glad that we did that. Everyone is happy with the decision and with the fact that there is a place to eat nearby the masjid is a double blessing. Ya Allah, I thankful that I am given abundant choices to choose and the ease to perform my ibadah no matter the circumstances are. Ya Allah, please grant me Your Blessing and give ease on things that I do in life. Amin.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Alhamdulillah....
What was I thinking? I was exhausted from few shopping trips last two days. My mind seems to be wandering about many things. Some seem so surreal to be true or can come true. What are the things that keep bugging me? These are some of the things that I think about while going for the shopping trips.
1) My parents : Mom and dad (this is REAL)
2) Study (this is REAL too)
3) What will happen after I finish my study? What will I do next? How's life after PhD? (still probable)
The first thing that I think about i.e. parents. I don't know why. Perhaps being the youngest I have this youngest-child-syndrome - tak boleh jauh dari ketiak mak bapa. I think and reflect back about how I treat them. Am I a good daughter? I know that I made mak shed her tears for many reasons that some even are very childish and ridiculous. I was stubborn. Being far from them makes me appreciate the time I spend with them more even though it is very short.
Study. I always have this imagination how my viva will be and how hard things could be before I get to that. I like to prepare myself with the worst case scenario by imagining the worst case scenario and what can be done after that (even though I know that I could never prepare myself well). Alhamdulillah, no matter how hard and difficult things can be, I remind myself that it is just a phase and it will pass sooner than I think. It is a phase. Life is a phase in itself. It will pass too.
The post PhD period. What should I do about it? How's my life will be then? To prepare for that, I know there are no preparation enough to prepare myself well. Why should I worry too much about things that will not happen in another two years or so? Yeah right. Should I let things happen just it is and only then do something about it OR should I plan something and work things from there? Which is which? For one thing, to prepare myself, I should change physically and emotionally.
Physical change : Appearance. For that I have invested in good comfortable shoes and for the first time, I bought high heel shoes. I am not a high heel kind of person but it is about to change. I will wear heels more regardless of the occasion. As a start, I will wear my first high heel shoes to my first class. I aim to do so and I can imagine myself on that day, going to the class, entering it and introducing myself to my students. I can imagine the class, the building. Gosh, I do miss teaching! Another thing, I will wear stylish scarf i.e. Tie Rack from time to time with matching shirt and pants. Yup, no more just all baju kurung all weekdays. Especially when I go for the teaching practicum supervision. I can imagine myself sitting on the high chair in a chemistry lab with my Tie Rack tudung, my M&S shirt, a matching Next pants and my Clarks high heels.
Car? I will get myself a new car for my father's convenience. He is using the wheel chair right now and my baby car is too small for his chair. Other thing is, with the predicted financial problem, I want to get myself a house nearby my workplace. I will bring mak and bapa to stay with me and I will hire someone to help me to look after them when I am working. I will make sure I cook for them before I go to work everyday. My mom used to wake up early in the morning to prepare breakfast before I went to school and I can do the same too. Alhamdulillah, my work permits me to have a flexible working hours. Well, not totally 8-5 kind of work as sometime I have to stay back late if I have classes ended at 6pm or 7pm. Yeah, the post graduate classes.
Marriage? I can't imagine myself get married lately. Am I getting old or what? I don't know. Previously, I can imagine day in and day out about being married, having children of my own and grow old with my husband (this is the time when I have someone in mind to be my life partner). Now, I no longer have such imagination no matter how hard I tried. No more imagining cooking for family - hubby and children. The thought of marriage seems harder than studying (I know that for married one, the thought of studying seems harder than marriage itself). Kak I** said that I shouldn't think this way.
Emotionally: I have passed the phase of longing and hoping for that guy to respond. His message that he left at my facebook does not give me any excitement or feeling of blood rushing to the head. I am glad that he does not into me. For one thing, things could be more complicated had I am in a relationship with him. Yeah. He is perfect. Perfect for another woman. I know his mom can detect that I like her son. I know that she wishes that I could be a part of her family. (I can tell the way she promotes him. I don't have the heart to tell her that I have moved on). When I cordially give my becoming popular statement -Rugi siapa tak nak aku-, I know his mom is listening. Now, I will change the statement to - Untung kan siapa yang dapat aku - as it sounds more positive and I know it is a doa. So who knows, I might meet the lucky one sooner than I thought?
There is nothing can be done here, I think. I have prayed. When I did my umrah, I did pray for him. I don't know what the future might bring. I don't think that he will ask for my hand in the future. Susah nak cakap (to early to tell?). If he does, I have an answer stored for him. Yup. No. It is not a Yes. It is not a No either. So what is my answer? When the time has come, it will be known.
I was listening to this song. Don't dream it over (like Crowded House once said). I do agree. Well, life demands sacrifices and challenges me to take risks. Calculated risks. When the time comes, whether I am ready or not, I will face any challenge and take the risk. Nothing else matters.
1) My parents : Mom and dad (this is REAL)
2) Study (this is REAL too)
3) What will happen after I finish my study? What will I do next? How's life after PhD? (still probable)
The first thing that I think about i.e. parents. I don't know why. Perhaps being the youngest I have this youngest-child-syndrome - tak boleh jauh dari ketiak mak bapa. I think and reflect back about how I treat them. Am I a good daughter? I know that I made mak shed her tears for many reasons that some even are very childish and ridiculous. I was stubborn. Being far from them makes me appreciate the time I spend with them more even though it is very short.
Study. I always have this imagination how my viva will be and how hard things could be before I get to that. I like to prepare myself with the worst case scenario by imagining the worst case scenario and what can be done after that (even though I know that I could never prepare myself well). Alhamdulillah, no matter how hard and difficult things can be, I remind myself that it is just a phase and it will pass sooner than I think. It is a phase. Life is a phase in itself. It will pass too.
The post PhD period. What should I do about it? How's my life will be then? To prepare for that, I know there are no preparation enough to prepare myself well. Why should I worry too much about things that will not happen in another two years or so? Yeah right. Should I let things happen just it is and only then do something about it OR should I plan something and work things from there? Which is which? For one thing, to prepare myself, I should change physically and emotionally.
Physical change : Appearance. For that I have invested in good comfortable shoes and for the first time, I bought high heel shoes. I am not a high heel kind of person but it is about to change. I will wear heels more regardless of the occasion. As a start, I will wear my first high heel shoes to my first class. I aim to do so and I can imagine myself on that day, going to the class, entering it and introducing myself to my students. I can imagine the class, the building. Gosh, I do miss teaching! Another thing, I will wear stylish scarf i.e. Tie Rack from time to time with matching shirt and pants. Yup, no more just all baju kurung all weekdays. Especially when I go for the teaching practicum supervision. I can imagine myself sitting on the high chair in a chemistry lab with my Tie Rack tudung, my M&S shirt, a matching Next pants and my Clarks high heels.
Car? I will get myself a new car for my father's convenience. He is using the wheel chair right now and my baby car is too small for his chair. Other thing is, with the predicted financial problem, I want to get myself a house nearby my workplace. I will bring mak and bapa to stay with me and I will hire someone to help me to look after them when I am working. I will make sure I cook for them before I go to work everyday. My mom used to wake up early in the morning to prepare breakfast before I went to school and I can do the same too. Alhamdulillah, my work permits me to have a flexible working hours. Well, not totally 8-5 kind of work as sometime I have to stay back late if I have classes ended at 6pm or 7pm. Yeah, the post graduate classes.
Marriage? I can't imagine myself get married lately. Am I getting old or what? I don't know. Previously, I can imagine day in and day out about being married, having children of my own and grow old with my husband (this is the time when I have someone in mind to be my life partner). Now, I no longer have such imagination no matter how hard I tried. No more imagining cooking for family - hubby and children. The thought of marriage seems harder than studying (I know that for married one, the thought of studying seems harder than marriage itself). Kak I** said that I shouldn't think this way.
Emotionally: I have passed the phase of longing and hoping for that guy to respond. His message that he left at my facebook does not give me any excitement or feeling of blood rushing to the head. I am glad that he does not into me. For one thing, things could be more complicated had I am in a relationship with him. Yeah. He is perfect. Perfect for another woman. I know his mom can detect that I like her son. I know that she wishes that I could be a part of her family. (I can tell the way she promotes him. I don't have the heart to tell her that I have moved on). When I cordially give my becoming popular statement -Rugi siapa tak nak aku-, I know his mom is listening. Now, I will change the statement to - Untung kan siapa yang dapat aku - as it sounds more positive and I know it is a doa. So who knows, I might meet the lucky one sooner than I thought?
There is nothing can be done here, I think. I have prayed. When I did my umrah, I did pray for him. I don't know what the future might bring. I don't think that he will ask for my hand in the future. Susah nak cakap (to early to tell?). If he does, I have an answer stored for him. Yup. No. It is not a Yes. It is not a No either. So what is my answer? When the time has come, it will be known.
I was listening to this song. Don't dream it over (like Crowded House once said). I do agree. Well, life demands sacrifices and challenges me to take risks. Calculated risks. When the time comes, whether I am ready or not, I will face any challenge and take the risk. Nothing else matters.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
This is just a phase...
It is a sunny day and not a bit like any gloomy winter day. Seems like it's already spring, but it is still winter. K** went to Birmingham and Nottingham on 23 Dec. So, just me, Z*** and A*** left. It's quite quiet without K** that we used to dub her as The Underage. She just laughs when we call her that.
I** my bestfriend is in Paris. I hope she is fine and having a marvelous time there as I did last Summer.
When I think back, I have changed a lot since the last time I saw her. She's changed a bit too. Accepting the new me could be a hard thing for her. Accepting the new her could be a hard thing for me too. I will learn to accept her unconditionally. That's what friends do. We respect each other.
Respect has to be earned, not be given. When it comes to certain things, being bossy shows that you don't respect a person. Especially when it comes to ordering people to do something that you can do yourself. I feel empathy with S*****. S***** was left alone while A**** went to Germany for a holiday. She told us that A**** asked her to do some house work. A*** and Z*** were quite surprised upon hearing it. Me? Well, nothing to be surprised as we (M** and I) were used to be bossed around by her. Yeah. People won't believe it at first when we told them about it. It doesn't matter anymore, I guess. Some people are just being inconsiderate and bossy. What can we do about it? As for me, I will make sure that I keep my distance from such people. Mean and bossy people do not deserve to be my friends. Fullstop.
Ya Allah, I know that I should not have this feeling of anger and hatred. I know I should be more compassionate and kind no matter how I was treated. I am just being myself. I have to be selective in choosing my friends and the people that I want to be close with. I want to be a better person. I don't want to have and imitate bad behaviours. I pray that I will be in Your Blessing and Grace for all time and Your Forgiveness is what I seek always.
I** my bestfriend is in Paris. I hope she is fine and having a marvelous time there as I did last Summer.
When I think back, I have changed a lot since the last time I saw her. She's changed a bit too. Accepting the new me could be a hard thing for her. Accepting the new her could be a hard thing for me too. I will learn to accept her unconditionally. That's what friends do. We respect each other.
Respect has to be earned, not be given. When it comes to certain things, being bossy shows that you don't respect a person. Especially when it comes to ordering people to do something that you can do yourself. I feel empathy with S*****. S***** was left alone while A**** went to Germany for a holiday. She told us that A**** asked her to do some house work. A*** and Z*** were quite surprised upon hearing it. Me? Well, nothing to be surprised as we (M** and I) were used to be bossed around by her. Yeah. People won't believe it at first when we told them about it. It doesn't matter anymore, I guess. Some people are just being inconsiderate and bossy. What can we do about it? As for me, I will make sure that I keep my distance from such people. Mean and bossy people do not deserve to be my friends. Fullstop.
Ya Allah, I know that I should not have this feeling of anger and hatred. I know I should be more compassionate and kind no matter how I was treated. I am just being myself. I have to be selective in choosing my friends and the people that I want to be close with. I want to be a better person. I don't want to have and imitate bad behaviours. I pray that I will be in Your Blessing and Grace for all time and Your Forgiveness is what I seek always.
Monday, December 22, 2008
It's my birthday
31 years ago, my mom brought me to this world. After a bit of complication, I was born. The nurse attending my mom was a trainee nurse and my birth would give her the certification that she wanted most. My mom told me how the nurse pleaded me to come out after waiting few hours and there I was a bit stubborn to come out to this world. To that kakak/mak cik nurse, thanks for your help, patience and assistance. My mom could never have made it without your help. With your patience and compassion, I was born natural way. I don't know if you still remember me as being the one who left such an important mark in your life. Me = end of training and you got your nursing certificate.
We never know how important we are to various people in their lives and vice versa - how important are others in our lives. We make differences to others and others make differences in our lives. Insignificant as it may seem, we never know how simple gesture might leave big impact on others.
This is my birthday. I never thought that I will celebrate my 30th and 31st birthday abroad. It is not that important. I know. Yet, thinking back, last year, I celebrated it in Cardiff. Went to Cardiff with Kak Narina. This year, I celebrate it with my friends. Close friends. Yet I never know why I am not looking forward for the party.
Well, the thing is, something happened last year. I was deeply hurt. I am a person that hard to forget kind of person and when it comes to certain thing, don't mess up with me or I will avoid that person altogether as long as I can.
I know that I can't be selfish. Never know how things might turn in the future.
Well, this is my birthday and I want to celebrate it with my close ones.
This is one of the best birthdays that I will not forget.
We never know how important we are to various people in their lives and vice versa - how important are others in our lives. We make differences to others and others make differences in our lives. Insignificant as it may seem, we never know how simple gesture might leave big impact on others.
This is my birthday. I never thought that I will celebrate my 30th and 31st birthday abroad. It is not that important. I know. Yet, thinking back, last year, I celebrated it in Cardiff. Went to Cardiff with Kak Narina. This year, I celebrate it with my friends. Close friends. Yet I never know why I am not looking forward for the party.
Well, the thing is, something happened last year. I was deeply hurt. I am a person that hard to forget kind of person and when it comes to certain thing, don't mess up with me or I will avoid that person altogether as long as I can.
I know that I can't be selfish. Never know how things might turn in the future.
Well, this is my birthday and I want to celebrate it with my close ones.
This is one of the best birthdays that I will not forget.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I deserve the best.... everyone does.....
Yesterday (Friday) at 4pm on the dot, I sent my progress report to Richard. Finally, I managed to finish my report after so many sleepless nights. It's not that I burn the mid night oil, never did that. I have restless sleeps. Sleep but I don't feel rested.
The only time I remember that I stayed up to study is when I was in form 4 in 1994. I have this exam - SMU and Syahadah that were held on the same days. Yup... there are 10 subjects for each exam I think. Luckily, I passed with flying colours in both exam. Don't ask me how I did that. Never know what or how. Just I think my mom's prayers were been answered. Yeah, finally, one of her children did take the exams.
My mom had this thinking and vision that I will be an ustazah someday. Little that she expects (I also didn't expect it) that I will be slightly different from what she has stored in her mind. After SPM, I asked my mom permission to further my study in Egypt. Yup... Al-Azhar University. Or any universities in Jordan. Being the youngest, my mom is quite hesitated and thus, she asked me to opt for local universities instead. Being me, I told her that I would enroll in the program of my choice. I choose Human Sciences program. Yeah, never have any idea what Human Sciences are all about.
I did majored in Psychology after contemplating to major in either Sociology or Psychology. It turned out that I got better grade in Psychology and thus, Psychology, I chose. Even though I love Psychology, not many people believe that I can make a living with a degree in Psychology. Even my best friend is quite skeptical at first, after all Psychology is not a popular program. Bak kata orang, "Boleh kerja apa dengan ijazah Psikologi ni?" Well, whatever degree one may have is not the issue of searching work and whatnot.
For some, the levels of education matter. Some of my friends back in secondary school feel inferior when with me. I can sense that when we hanged out together. I don't give it a d***m for one thing. As long as you are honest, good, empathic and do not rob a bank or drug abused, I can accept anyone as my friends. There is no reason to feel intimidated or inferior. After all, all of us deserve the best ... aren't we?
The only time I remember that I stayed up to study is when I was in form 4 in 1994. I have this exam - SMU and Syahadah that were held on the same days. Yup... there are 10 subjects for each exam I think. Luckily, I passed with flying colours in both exam. Don't ask me how I did that. Never know what or how. Just I think my mom's prayers were been answered. Yeah, finally, one of her children did take the exams.
My mom had this thinking and vision that I will be an ustazah someday. Little that she expects (I also didn't expect it) that I will be slightly different from what she has stored in her mind. After SPM, I asked my mom permission to further my study in Egypt. Yup... Al-Azhar University. Or any universities in Jordan. Being the youngest, my mom is quite hesitated and thus, she asked me to opt for local universities instead. Being me, I told her that I would enroll in the program of my choice. I choose Human Sciences program. Yeah, never have any idea what Human Sciences are all about.
I did majored in Psychology after contemplating to major in either Sociology or Psychology. It turned out that I got better grade in Psychology and thus, Psychology, I chose. Even though I love Psychology, not many people believe that I can make a living with a degree in Psychology. Even my best friend is quite skeptical at first, after all Psychology is not a popular program. Bak kata orang, "Boleh kerja apa dengan ijazah Psikologi ni?" Well, whatever degree one may have is not the issue of searching work and whatnot.
For some, the levels of education matter. Some of my friends back in secondary school feel inferior when with me. I can sense that when we hanged out together. I don't give it a d***m for one thing. As long as you are honest, good, empathic and do not rob a bank or drug abused, I can accept anyone as my friends. There is no reason to feel intimidated or inferior. After all, all of us deserve the best ... aren't we?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Pening kepala sih....
My report has to be submitted on 20 Dec. Tomorrow is the dateline I set for myself. The real dateline is on Saturday (20 Dec). I was in a mood to write. Yeah, bila bosan tulis kat blog, facebook, email (buang masa je! tapi buat juga).
Anyway, my work is nearly done now. While listening to Cliff Richard songs and whatnot, I try to edit my work.
Today, I got the stomachache and Alhamdulillah, hanya minor buang air besar yg ca*r. I know it is gross to explain things in detail. So I spare the details. Let your imagination runs wild. This is the effect when I stress up with works or other things. Aiyoooo.. macam mana tak kurus!!
Alhamdulillah, despite whatever things that I experience now, I still can eat or drink. Well, I should count my blessing. At least, the condition is still bearable and I don't need to be hospitalised or what.
Now, it's time to go back to work..... Life is work and demands ________ work (option to fill in the blank: hard, smart, stupid - just types of works - called anything as you wish). Ayyyy....
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I was......
My best friend and her mom and younger siblings came to Durham. They arrived safely on 9 Dec (Tuesday). I was excited and at the same time anxious. I got stomachache aka cirit birit (tak teruk). Fetched them and met them at the train station. Since the car is terlebih muatan, my best friend and I took a stroll around Durham town. The weather is quite ok. Took some pictures around town.
I cooked Nasi Briyani. Yeah, it becomes almost like a signature dish to entertain guests. Alhamdulillah, the nasi and lauk were ok. Just nice. My best friend gave me 4 stars for the rating. Yeah la tu. The mom was quite impressed with my culinary skills. Just it is quite sad that F**** was sick after that. Ye la. Makan tambah banyak kali. Perut dah la kosong masa datang Durham. (Sedap sangat ke aku masak? Sampai tambah banyak kali. F***** pun tambah banyak kali. Memang sedap kot - statement perasan). Well, I felt bad a little. Is it about my nasi briyani? Errmmmm .... Alhamdulillah, it was not food poisoning. Just a normal reaction due to an empty stomach.
On 10 Dec, we went to Amsterdam. Well, something happened. I felt bad. Again, I am just an outsider. There is no way that I should get involved. Got back on 12 Dec. Then on 15 Dec, went to Edinburgh. Alhamdulillah, we managed to find Hard Rock in Edinburgh. Managed to buy the t-shirts and whatnot.
While waiting them to visit and explore Edinburgh Castle, the mom confided in me about my best friend. Well, I can't do nothing much about it. After all, it's her life.
I was not in the best mood myself. Pening kepala dan tengah risau pasal my report yg kena ubah balik tu. Alhamdulillah, my best friend is understanding.
They went back to Leicester on 16 Dec (Tuesday). I was sad to send them back. I sent them to the bus stop only. Not the train station. I was not prepared. When I went down, I am quite surprise that they already packed their things. I don't know what to prepare for breakfast so I roasted some chicken parts. I showed my best friend how to do it so she can do it herself. Had a little chat with her in the kitchen (with her mom eavesdropping hehhehehehhe). The chicken was nicely cooked. Tak ireng. Alhamdulillah. F**** dan F***** makan bertambah-tambah. Budak-budak nak membesar. I don't know what they will tell the big bro. For all I care, now it does not matter anymore. Ayyy.... my life = me and my things for now.
Semalam macam mana boleh terserempak dengan mamat Birmingham dengan Glasgow tu beberapa kali. F***** teased me. Ye la tu. They are anak ikan. Again, I am not ready to get married I think at this point. I have to finish my PhD first. Nothing else matters.
I cooked Nasi Briyani. Yeah, it becomes almost like a signature dish to entertain guests. Alhamdulillah, the nasi and lauk were ok. Just nice. My best friend gave me 4 stars for the rating. Yeah la tu. The mom was quite impressed with my culinary skills. Just it is quite sad that F**** was sick after that. Ye la. Makan tambah banyak kali. Perut dah la kosong masa datang Durham. (Sedap sangat ke aku masak? Sampai tambah banyak kali. F***** pun tambah banyak kali. Memang sedap kot - statement perasan). Well, I felt bad a little. Is it about my nasi briyani? Errmmmm .... Alhamdulillah, it was not food poisoning. Just a normal reaction due to an empty stomach.
On 10 Dec, we went to Amsterdam. Well, something happened. I felt bad. Again, I am just an outsider. There is no way that I should get involved. Got back on 12 Dec. Then on 15 Dec, went to Edinburgh. Alhamdulillah, we managed to find Hard Rock in Edinburgh. Managed to buy the t-shirts and whatnot.
While waiting them to visit and explore Edinburgh Castle, the mom confided in me about my best friend. Well, I can't do nothing much about it. After all, it's her life.
I was not in the best mood myself. Pening kepala dan tengah risau pasal my report yg kena ubah balik tu. Alhamdulillah, my best friend is understanding.
They went back to Leicester on 16 Dec (Tuesday). I was sad to send them back. I sent them to the bus stop only. Not the train station. I was not prepared. When I went down, I am quite surprise that they already packed their things. I don't know what to prepare for breakfast so I roasted some chicken parts. I showed my best friend how to do it so she can do it herself. Had a little chat with her in the kitchen (with her mom eavesdropping hehhehehehhe). The chicken was nicely cooked. Tak ireng. Alhamdulillah. F**** dan F***** makan bertambah-tambah. Budak-budak nak membesar. I don't know what they will tell the big bro. For all I care, now it does not matter anymore. Ayyy.... my life = me and my things for now.
Semalam macam mana boleh terserempak dengan mamat Birmingham dengan Glasgow tu beberapa kali. F***** teased me. Ye la tu. They are anak ikan. Again, I am not ready to get married I think at this point. I have to finish my PhD first. Nothing else matters.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
We meet and then....
Last Saturday we had a farewell party for Z****. I'm kind of feeling sad. Before, it was M**, N****, H*****, and P**. They left when I was in Malaysia. We did have a get together before they left. I feel a tug until now when I go to some of the places that we used to go together. Especially the places that I used to go with M**. A sight of my Whittard or Jamie Oliver's mug always leave me feeling a tug in my heart. People come and people go. Friendship that last forever will endure anything. This is just a temporary parting.
We are lucky with the internet and whatnot. So we still can catch up with one another and shares good or bad news. Latest development. M** is pregnant. Upon hearing the good news from M** - she is pregnant, I was elated. Alhamdulillah. Some said that perhaps my prayers are being answered. Before, it is Kak N***** and now, it's M**. I do pray for others for their studies in every prayers. When I went for umrah, specifically I do pray for them - especially for studies and jodoh/married life.
My best friend has arrived in UK and she is in Leicester for a day. She will arrive Durham today around 3 pm. I need to pick them up at the train station. I was anxious. Too anxious I think. Last Tuesday (2 Dec) I received a call from Auntie Tatih. I can still hear her voice telling me that her son is coming from France. Gosh!!! I feel like screaming on top of my lung because my best friend is coming to Durham on 9 Dec and there is no way that I can go to London and come back Durham on the same day they come to Durham. Ya Allah, is this a sign that I need to be aware of? Auntie Tatih is an Indonesian woman I met while performing umrah last September. Married to an Englishman. She is a lady with a strong character and I think that is something that we have in common. I can be stubborn and hard-to-please when I want to, to selected people. My mom really knows me too well on this. I can be nice and sweet and I also can make someone's life a living hell. Muahahhahahhaha
When I did umrah, I was tested. Usually, I am not that patient but while performing umrah, I am quite surprise that I was calm, cool and collected with my mom. Yeah, my mom was tested too. I never see her behaving in certain manner while in Malaysia. Alhamdulillah, I am glad that I can lavish her with the things that she likes (but hesitate to have with her tight budget). That's one of the things I was tested with. With my mom, she knows that when it comes to branded and expensive things, I am in. hehehehhehe... siapa la yg ajar ni!!!! My mom sure does not teach me that.
Sometimes, parents do influence us in many ways but in many cases, when we reach adulthood there are lots of factors that influence us. Life has countless influential factors. We are the one who make the choice and decide which factors that we want to influence our life. Yeah... we can choose.... certainly.... at most of the time.... the rest, tawakal (only after we have done our best)....ayyyy ...
Monday, December 8, 2008
An evening with my supervisor
Last Friday, I went to meet my second supervisor - Steve, since my first - Barbara was away for her sabbatical leave. I was panic stricken for a while since it has been a long while since the last time I met Steve. With a little token that got for him when I went back last August, and my statistical analysis (I printed every single table and whatnot from the SPSS), off I went to his room.
Going to school on that day wasn't easy. It was snowing all day on Thursday so the road was slippery when the ice started to melt (it seems that it takes ages to melt!). I was walking cum sliding here and there on my way to the hilly bus stop and on my way to the hilly School of Education. (If you think all the climbing the hills make me fit as fiddle, yeah you are 0.0000001% correct).
Meeting Steve gave me some assurance that what I am doing is so far so good. Seems that the analysis that I got from doing the factor analysis was meaningful - 1) I can't get the Pattern Matrix from the analysis since my samples are too small - at least I know better how to do it next time, 2) overall - the reliability coefficient with more than 0.9 seems promising, 3) I may need to choose some of the items either to be retained or "scrapped" and 4) I know that to do factor analysis paling cikai your samples have to be more than 1000 (to make it meaningful). Steve asked me when I plan to do my data collection. I told him that I plan to do it next year around March. It seems that I have ample time to refine my instrument. Yeah right! Time passes by so quickly and before I know it, it's already March.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Siapa dia....
Had a chat with one of my friends (that I have known since undergrad days, lost contact and keep in touch back). Apparently, we have lots of things to catch up with. One of them is MY SO CALLED LOVE LIFE. Yeah... the thing is for now, right now, I haven't find The Mr Right yet. Well, I thought that I have found one back in 2006. When he knew that I want to further my studies, his ardent courtship turned cold, out of the blues. Little that I expect that he did what he did at that time. Alhamdulillah I was strong enough to stay firm with my own stand when he courted me back this year - somewhere around June. I found out that around that time, he just got jilted by another woman. I sympathize alright but there is no way that I will start all over again with him. I learned my lesson well. He is a kind of guy that can be a good friend, not as a soul mate. That's what I think of him. He still owes me an apology.
Second time when I felt that I have found the one is when I went to KL about a month or so before I went to UK. I vividly remember the day. The email. For the second time, I was wrong. This time around, I made the first move. He is what he is. Unresponsive from day one. I guess he does not want to take a chance with me. Yeah. What can I do about it. I have done my part. Phew... At least I know and in five years later or so, I can say to myself, "I have tried". Better do something about it rather than do nothing about it. Well, by not doing anything, he is made up his mind. It is something that I can do nothing about. I don't know why I feel this way. His mom is coming to UK and I have to entertain her. The thing is, I found myself whining about it. I am in a difficult situation right now. The feeling is not nice at all.
I have no feeling whatsoever for him anymore. I have passed the dateline that I set myself. Yeah. Like Kak N***** said, there is no point to wait for his response because all of the while, he made no attempt to show his interest. I know perhaps after what I have read from this book, I got the idea that he's simply not into me. I know that. Sure of that and for that, I should move on and get on with with life. After all, I should be grateful that I have my career. Career = life. That's all that matter for now. With that, I am blessed.
Second time when I felt that I have found the one is when I went to KL about a month or so before I went to UK. I vividly remember the day. The email. For the second time, I was wrong. This time around, I made the first move. He is what he is. Unresponsive from day one. I guess he does not want to take a chance with me. Yeah. What can I do about it. I have done my part. Phew... At least I know and in five years later or so, I can say to myself, "I have tried". Better do something about it rather than do nothing about it. Well, by not doing anything, he is made up his mind. It is something that I can do nothing about. I don't know why I feel this way. His mom is coming to UK and I have to entertain her. The thing is, I found myself whining about it. I am in a difficult situation right now. The feeling is not nice at all.
I have no feeling whatsoever for him anymore. I have passed the dateline that I set myself. Yeah. Like Kak N***** said, there is no point to wait for his response because all of the while, he made no attempt to show his interest. I know perhaps after what I have read from this book, I got the idea that he's simply not into me. I know that. Sure of that and for that, I should move on and get on with with life. After all, I should be grateful that I have my career. Career = life. That's all that matter for now. With that, I am blessed.
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