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I was not being myself lately. It is as if I am living someone else's life.

First, with bapa condition, I know there is nothing I can do about it. Told Barbara aka my supervisor about it. Been thinking about going to the counselor. I don't know why I have the thought of seeking professional help. Just I feel that I need someone who is clinically trained to listen emphatically. Having emphatic friends is more than enough. This time around, I feel that I have something bottling up inside and I don't know how to ease the feeling. Barbara said that although it is might be a good thing to go to counseling, yet she suggests that perhaps what I need is just time and meantime, I need cognitive distraction to distract myself from thinking so much about it. When things happen, I will know how to deal with it. Too much anticipation won't do me any good. I should know this better. After all, those theories about grief and bereavement will be meaningless if I don't practice it. I should be strong and mentally stable. As if I know the level of my sanity at all time.

Second, I feel lost. With Z*** and A*** went back to Brunei, I feel empty. I should not feel this way. Z*** has to go back. After all, she has finished her work. A***? I believe that she will finish her study earlier than she thinks. Yup. She can do that. So, with K** in Notts, there are only me, N** and S*****. I feel lost. I don't know. I should not feel this way.

Third, when I was in UTM, every time I feel lost, what I did is I will spring clean. Especially the office. I will throw away unwanted things and rearranged the furniture. I will tidy up even my emails. I will delete some of the old emails from people that I loath. This time around, I find it hard to do so. I don't know. When I cleaned my room yesterday, every time I see the things that others gave me during our slumber parties and whatnot, I feel sad. I don't feel relief at all unlike the previous time when I did spring clean. In the end, I did it half way done. Kerja separuh siap. This is not me.

Forth, Z*** and A*** called before they took the flight home. I cried. I can't control myself from not crying. When they asked why I sound different, I told them I just woke up even though I have woken up since 630am. I didn't sleep after subuh. I lied to them. I don't want them to feel more sad than they are. I have to let them go. Ya Allah, I am blessed to have such wonderful friends. I miss them already. I don't know when will I see them again. I have come to the realisation that perhaps it could be the last time I saw Z*** especially. I feel sad. This is not good. I need to move on.

Fifth, I booked the ticket to go back in March. Have settled that. Haven't buy the MAS ticket. Have to ask Kakak to buy it for me since I can't buy it from here. It seems that I have a problem with the credit card. Again, I don't have problem to buy the Emirates ticket. Errmm... what went wrong here? Well, things are settled for now. Consider it done. Yeah.

Sixth, I miss my ex-supervisor. I miss him! Yed, what would you say when you see me in this state? "Stupid girl, you should've known better". I miss that statement!

One more phase

What is the cure of aging? Nothing. There is no way that we can stop the process. When it comes, no wonder magical elixir will work. I never thought that I will see my own father deteriorates as time passes by. Being far from home, it makes me sad with the fact that I can't see the changes with my own eyes.

It is hard. No doubt about that. YM with my mom and kakak just now. From kakak, I know that bapa is no longer as he is when I saw him via webcam on my birthday last year. It is just a month but seems that he deteriorates faster than I thought. Now, it is time for him to be bedridden. It is one of the things that I dreaded most. Kakak told me about this little incident last Friday. He wants to go to the mosque. Kakak against the idea. She knows too well that bapa is not fit to walk from the car park to enter the mosque. With the help of Abg Z**** and Abg M**, bapa went to the mosque. When he reached there, he asked Abg Z**** to bring him to a corner of the mosque. He wants to sit for awhile. When it's time for solat Jumaat, Abg Z**** left him to join the saff. Little that he expects to find bapa slumped on the floor after solat. It seems that the short walk really takes its tolls. With the help of few others, they helped him to the car. When they reached home, they brought him to his room. 10 minutes later on, Kakak checked on him. She found that he passed his bowel on the bed. Yup, terkincit lagi. He can barely move himself.

With mak, Kakak brought him to the toilet to wash himself. He was stubborn and asked Kakak to leave him to wash himself without anyone help. Mak was there. He cannot stand the fact that mak has to see him in that situation. Bapa is the traditional male malay kind of man.

I cannot control my tears from falling. This time around, I was thinking that how much time do I have to serve him and mak. I changed the topic to Boy's preparation for his wedding. My nephew is getting married in less than 6 months. The date is on 16 May. I asked Kakak if she wants to bring bapa to his akad nikah in KL. I told Kakak that bapa and mak can travel by plane (of course with me accompanying them and I will cover the expense. I can afford that). Kakak said that bapa is too fragile to travel that far even by plane.

I will be busied with the data collection and whatnot at that time. I don't know how I will cope with so many things have to be done at the same time.

Ya Allah, only You knows the best and from you I hope and ask for the best.

This is tough. Life is tough.

Don't fret over small things....life is so short....

I got this from my friend who posted it in her fb ...

Moral of the story: LIFE IS SO SHORT. LIVE LIFE MEANINGFULLY.

1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Sleep for 7 hours.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did in 2008..
7. Make time to pray. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime..
17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
18. Smile and laugh more.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Forgive everyone for everything.
26.. What other people think of you is none of your business.
27. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
28. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
29. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
30. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
31. The best is yet to come.
32. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
33. Do the right thing!
34. Call your family often.
35. Your inner most being is always happy. So be happy.
36. Each day give something good to others.
37. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

A nice coincidence....

Went out with N**, K**, Nurul and her sister yesterday to Newcastle. What a nice coincidence that I met Kak I** with her daughter while on the way to the train station. Without hesitation, she followed us. What a fun! A mother and a daughter outing turned out to be like all singles and available kind of outing (for that reason, I think her big boss called few times for checking LOL).

Went to the Millennium Bridge and took lots of pictures. And after that, went to Metrocentre. I was quite afraid that Kak I** could not stand the long hours of shopping and whatnot. Being single, we used to shop till we drop dead tired. Yeah. Alhamdulillah, her daughter also is not being moody and cranky. Yeah, with a little surprise from the girls who gave her an advanced birthday presents, it really makes her day. A pure joy from a girl is priceless. Yeah, with adults sometimes it is hard to get things for them. If we got something not to their liking, they might sell it on ebay (just an example).

I was planning to go to Newcastle with Kak I** last week. It seems that there is always something coming up even we have planned things on a first place. Alhamdulillah, I was given a chance to go out with her although it is just by chance that we met her at town. I told her jokingly that we are not making a good example for her daughter by bringing the little girl to those expensive shops. Yeah, Tie Rack and Zara. If she develops an interest of branded stuff, I told Kak I** that she cannot blame me for that. After all, she also plays a role in it. Yeah right. "Aku tak pernah masuk kedai mahal macam ni", "Aku takut nak masuk kedai mahal macam ni", argh.... those statements cannot be believed especially if it is coming from my mouth as definitely I will go and shop in one of those shops. It is just a matter of time before I build up my courage to enter those shops and buy stuff from it. LOL.

Life has lots of coincidence when we least expect it. Yeah, right. LOL.

CNY = Chinese New Year

Two years ago when I was in UTM, the Chinese students never fail will give me oranges. Limau. Free limau. It was quite a lot and I am quite surprise that I got some from them. I miss the time with my students. Time to torture them ops... to stimulate and challenge their thinking .... Really miss that time.

Finding myself struggling now, I wonder how the students struggle to do the assignments and all. Well, I have been there (the undergraduate, I mean) and I think I have lots of fun studying and at the same time, having the time of my life. I enjoy life at that time. Yeah, going to places aimlessly. Seeing things. Doing stupid things without a second thought.

Now, things are different in many ways. I am older and wiser (the latter, is still probable I think). Physically, I am older than I used to be. So, I don't have the same energy as I have 10 years back. How time flies! Enjoy the best of things while it lasts after all, life is short. Indeed.

Events....

First event: I was typing when I heard my hp was buzzing, indicating a message coming in. Pause a moment to check the message. Oh, it is from Kak N*****. She told me that Abg T***** does not say hi or whatnot when she's online - YM. I asked her, did she make the first move say hi to him. She said no. Aiyoo... why la like that? Well, apparently it seems that to fall in love at this age ops... stage, not as easy as it may seem. Given a chance that each party has nothing to lose makes thing harder. Yeah, on one hand, he got everything under the sun except a life companion. On the other hand, she also has almost everything under the sun except a life companion and a PhD. What do they expect in this relationship? Seem platonic but again perhaps it's the platonic element that draw them together. Asking about love department from me - aka someone who only teaches subject about human relationship in theory but in real life, a complete different story herself - perhaps not a good idea. Yeah. She said that I am the one who really encourage and support her to have it a try with Abg T*****. Well, I just like to tease her for a start and I never thought that she will buy it. Aiyoo... serve me right to make someone as naive as she to believe in what I say. Aiyoo... I am such a bad apple, don't I?

Second event: As I typed on my laptop the proposal to be submitted to the EPU and EPRD, I listened to this song. It reminds me of B*****. Why on earth that I still think about him? First of all, I am associating him with EPRD as he also works with the Ministry of Education. I was thinking that if only I am in a good term with him, perhaps I could ask him to help me with the application and whatnot. Now, there is no way that I will ask any favor from him. Took a break and checked my emails and facebook. Suddenly, I saw Abg N**** pictures. He looks happy and contented in Dubai. I am happy for him. After all that he has been through, he deserves to be happy. Looking at him enjoying himself makes me think that he is better off without me. Yup. I know that with his mother and siblings stayed at my place for a week, it really makes him uncomfortable. Feel as if he is indebted or something. Duh!!!! I was feeling nervous and uncomfortable too. Especially when his mom promotes him. Yeah. At that time, I was thinking to say this to her " Mak cik, anak mak cik dah tak nak saya, saya nak buat macam mana lagi?" But I just don't have the heart to say it out loud. I know that my best friend is disappointed that I didn't want to take pictures with her. I don't want my pictures to be spread all over her album. Definitely a no no. The thought of her brother seeing my pictures make me sad. I don't want myself to be close with her family. Well, in fact, I think I will start to keep my distance from her. I have to do this. I will not email her like I used to do. Nor will I sms her all the way from UK or even when I am in Malaysia for my data collection. I have put herself in an awkward position. I know that's why she is always on her guard when I saw her last time when she came over to my place. I am making assumption but knowing her too well, I can guess that things are more complicated than it is.

Third event: A*** told me that S***** cried yesterday when she came over. Apparently, she is very stressed with her current situation. Well, I have told S***** that she is most welcome to come anytime and she does not have to worry about buying food etc. I know she is being gracious and grateful. I just feel that she should not be that way. After all, she is a nice person and we will help her in any way that we could. She does not have to worry about that. She can always count on us.

Forth event: I am sad. This is not hormonal. I am sad thinking about my dad. I don't know how long do I have to be near him, to serve him while he is still alive. Same with my mom. It has been two months since I came back to UK. I know Kakak tried her very best to take care of them yet I have this unsettling feeling. I want to be there for them as I have always be. Kak A*** , well, she is what she is. Being the pampered one by my father, she tends to take things for granted. I wish that she could help around more. Again, she also has her own problems to settle.

Fifth event: Finally I finished my proposal. I will edit and check any typing error tomorrow. I promise Kak I** to meet her at her place. To help her packing or cooking. I don't know. I just feel to be near to someone who is like my big sister. She reminds of me a bit of Kak Z** and Kakak. I miss my family!!!! I will make sure that I can go back as I plan end of February. Ayy...

Series of events.... after all, it is what life is.... Ayyyyy

Meriahnya.....

N** moved in last Monday. So there will be five of us staying under the same roof. It has been a tense week with the graduation day being held last week and whatnot.

I was staying at home trying very hard to complete the summary of proposal that I have to submit to EPU. I think that I will just use the same template for the EPRD. Luckily the EPRD does not have any specific template. Whatever. It is a good thing too in disguise. Yeah right. I think one of the ways to keep the writing mood turns on is to keep on writing no matter rubbish it may seem and to write in many medium (yeah, this is an excuse of facebooking and blogging).

Anyway, I was having a little chat with Kak N***** last night and from her, I know that her love department is getting better with Abg T***** gave her his pictures when he went to NZ last month. Good sign! I pray that things will be ended well for her and Abg T*****.

N**** is coming to Durham and it's kind of sad that I can't go to Leicester to attend her convocation. *sigh*sigh* Anyway, I have promised her to cook roast chicken. I just love cooking to release tension and especially seeing others enjoy eating it. Like today, I cooked Nasi Tomato with the thought that perhaps L**** will come over to lepak-lepak. Alhamdulillah, even though he turned up late, the PR #5 is here and the rest of them enjoyed it very much. Seeing K** tambah lagi really makes me happy. Yeah, with her mom's pesanan penaja, I am truly blessed that she is here to accompany me in this journey. I know her mom puts high hope on me to keep an eye on her. I will try my best to make sure that she will be well fed and take care of her. After all, she is like a little sister that I never had.

Life is strange, most of the time. We never know who will make a difference in our life and how we can make difference in other people life too. In one way or another, I feel blessed with such people all around me. Life is after all about sharing our life with others. Ayyyy.....

I am damn rude

I am not in my best mood. I have been a pain in the ass for two days. Why? I don't know how to say it. What I know is I know that should not be in this way and should not do it on a first place even.

The thing is like this, I was pissed off with myself about few things. Firstly, I suppose to apply the EPU etc things few months back and now, I am in a hot soup myself. Serve me right?!!! I know I should finish everything by next week. I can do that no problem.

Secondly, I was feeling annoyed with couple of things around the house. I just cannot stand someone making noise while I am watching TV. Nak concentrate la konon!!! But that's just me.

Thirdly, I feel sad for my friends who did not manage to finish their study on time. I know how it feels and seeing someone who managed to complete it breaks their heart in many ways. I know. When I think back, they have sacrificed a lot and in many ways help the one that completed the study on time. They cooked, cleaned and served. When it comes to their time, the one did nothing. I know. They are having this little kenduri. I know I should help around but seeing the one doing nothing just now really piss me off. What does she expect here? You have nothing else to do and can for the last time, please help around the kitchen? Well, some people are just plain ____ like that. After all, that's life.

Convocation ... Congregation.... Graduation

For everyone who have been through the process of going on the stage receiving their scrolls, it's one of the most memorable event that will stay with them as long as they live.

Being far away from home, it is a great deal to have someone to celebrate the moment with you. So without a second thought, I decided to go to Sarvin's convocation when she asked me to come to her congregation. Although the place and the melody that they play to accompany every steps of the graduants are different from my alma mater as they walk in to the nave, yet the feeling is still the same. Strange enough I can't control my tears from falling. I never cried on my graduation day. Seeing Sarvin shook hand with the NC I just let my tears rolled down. I dont care if the uncle who was seating beside me saw me crying. Sarvin, I am so proud of you.

I made a promise to myself that I will be among the graduants in June 2010 congregation, wearing the scarlet robe with my pink baju kurung. I will.

I know things will be harder than it is now. With the data collection, statistical analysis, transcribing interviews and writing up thesis, the process will be a tough one. I know. Physically, I am affected by all the stress and sleepless nights now. I know. With a bout of diarrhea every time I stress, I don't know how long I will survive the ordeal. I know I will get through this alright although I don't have any idea how I will survive and pass the phase now.

I pray that my mom and dad will be here to see me shaking hand with the NC. That's why I am really determined to attend the June congregation. It's summer. Although it is not as hot as Malaysia, I pray that my parents are fit as fiddle and can bear the weather and the long distance journey to see their youngest child receives the highest academic certification.

I don't know if I will buy the Durham University robe. I know I can always wear it for every convocations that I have to attend in UTM. But, it's a bit costly. Around GBP500. Heck, with that I should get myself a diamond platinum ring which I can flash around more often (yeah, it is a self-acclamation statement that I don't need a guy to put a ring on my finger).

To make sure that my dreams will come true, hard work is a must with lots of prayers. Ayy... after all, life is nothing without dreams and prayers.

Speechless.....

I was sad. Extremely sad every time when I see the news in fact. Palestines. What will happen to them? What will happen to Islam.

Ya Allah, I seek Your help and assistance. I plead You to bestow ultimate success towards Muslims and people who are being oppressed by the Zionists.

Off lately, I notice that few of the programmes that they air on the national TV try to buffer the reality out there. What are they trying to prove here? Duh!!!

There even a programme entitled "Jesus the Jew" that indirectly condemns Christianity and surprisingly there is no comments or riots due to that. The programme also traced the origin of Christianity and try to highlight the supremacy of Judaism. Yeah right! They are so proud and stupid to ignore the fact that there is another Prophet that was came to show the Truth. They will never acknowledge that. Acknowledging it is something that they will never do.

In Islam, we acknowledge the fact that most of the Prophets were Jews by race. Looking at the origin of family tree of Prophet Ibraham in which produced the lineage of Prophet Ismail and Prophet Ishak, there is no question about that. Yet, the one who commit massive inhuman killings and violation of human right has the nerve to claim that they are the descendant of the holy Prophet and thus they have the Privilege to do whatever they may, is too much. Oh shame on them! It's really piss me of with such ridiculous claim and act.

The PR #5 asked me about the Jews and Christians (she is a Christian) and how does Judaism and Christianity relates (while watching the TV with her last night). I told her the historical part of the lineage originated from Prophet Ibrahim and what makes the Jews and Christians as well as Islam has something in common. Especially when it comes to Palestine. What so special about Palestine in the eyes of Muslims, Jews and Christians. I try my best to explain to her without making her uncomfortable. I don't know if I am successful in convincing her about Islam because my aim is to explain something so that she will be able to make the most of it. I am not to impress anyone here.

Alhamdulillah I took a class with Dr Kamar Oniah when I was in my third year. Even though the class was tough, I managed to get a good grade. Yeah, it's worth all the trouble to buy a Bible with Ina at Petaling Street. Need to have one to do one of the assignments. So given examples here and there from the Bible and the Qur'an about the Prophets that we have in common.

A little da'i I am. Ayyyy

Not being productive.... at all

When I was young, I always have this vision and imagination of me staying in overseas for whatever reasons (at one point, one of the reasons is because I imagine myself being married to a Mat Salleh - which I doubt will come true now). Well, I do agree that "hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri negeri sendiri" yet hujan batu pun, I love my country no matter what. There are always pros and cons. Beautiful and ugly. The combinations of both elements make our life perfect.

I was reading this book entitled The Einstein Syndrome by Thomas Sewell. It is about the issue of late talking. I am not a parent myself so I don't know how it feels to have a child who is late in speech - a type of development. Again what is normal, and abnormal is just depended on social values. Most of the time. If not in all cases.

Again, the extreme of the Einstein Syndrome is The Williams Syndrome. If Einstein syndrome relates to late talking, Williams syndrome relates to the advanced development in speech and social skills yet, having low level of IQ. The former syndrome can outgrow - meaning, it can disappear when one reaches adulthood but not the former.

Kak I** is worried about her son and her youngest daughter. Both of them seem to be late talkers. What I find as interesting is, both of her children can understand you well. When I went to their place to lepak-lepak, I used to strike a conversation with her son in English and he can answer me well with a Jordy accent on top of that. I told Kak I** not to worry too much about her children. After all, it is a part of development processes and not all people are the same. Being someone who is educated and intelligent as she is, I believe that her children would have similar level of intelligent as she is plus with Abg Z** who is an engineer.

I know that when it comes to certain things like intelligent there are no absolute explanation on how some people are different from others. When some have no problem to memorize things, others seem to struggle to remember simple things even.

When it comes to education setting, teachers play important roles in molding students' perception about themselves - that will affect their self-esteem, motivation etc. It is a tricky business here. I know how difficult it is when someone label you as stupid or lembam. Lembam is a Malay word to describe a person as slow (just to put it in a nicest way).

I used to be called as stupid by my ex-supervisor, Yed while doing my masters. In this case, I feel honored to be called as stupid. Stupid in this case is not directed on me as an individual, rather on my shallow way of thinking. I am proud to be known as his stupid student and most people envy the way I have this special bond with him. Some even speculate that I have an affair with him. I regard him as my intellectual father. I can't argue the way I argue with him about academic things with my father. Well, for one thing, my father did not have the kind of exposure and education the way Yed has. He gave me this intellectual stimulation that always able to arouse my thirst about many things. He is the one who introduced me to Queen - the group with Freddie Mercury as the singer. Yeah, that one. Not any Queen.

For that matter, I always can easily get attracted to men who can argue with me without downgrading me. It is hard to find a guy like that. One of the guys that I nearly fall in love with is such a guy. Too bad that he is what he is. I wonder what happen to him now. Some said that he's waiting for me until now. He can't find someone like me. That's perhaps explain why he broke off with the PTD girl.

I know it is hard for him to forget me. After all, I am the first one who composed a love poem for him. I never thought that I am so creative with words. How time flies. If he agreed to marry me before I went to further my study, perhaps he and I are endowed with a kid now. Again, if he did marry me on a first place, things could be different now. No regrets though.

I wonder how does he looks like now. Some said after I left, he looks like someone with the Taliban. Ouch... what's happened to his boyish look? I think I will pay him and Rizal a visit when I go to Putrajaya. I am not trying to rekindle anything here. I am a stubborn woman. There is no way that I will accept him after what he has done.

I feel much contented now than ever. Being a single is not a problem for me. I don't find myself thinking about it too much lately. Why? I don't know. Perhaps it is true that I have moved on with my life. Indeed.

A moment......

It has been a while since the last day I went to school to meet Steve aka 2nd supervisor last December. Gosh, I need to catch up a lot. With the EPU (Educational Planning Unit) form that I have to fill in to get the approval for data collection, rewrite the whole three chapters (need to be submitted with the form) as well as the annual review presentation.

I plan to go back Malaysia this coming March. I haven't book the ticket yet.

Yet, I find myself so relax regardless of the tons of things that I have to do within a short period of time. Previously, I will become restless. Now, I tend to do thing one thing at a time (with expensive reward after that). I know it is not a good practice to reward myself lavishly after small accomplishment. With the online shopping, rewarding myself is not a problem. Yeah, no need to take the bus and go to Newcastle just to buy the things that I want at Eldon Square or Metrocentre.

I better list the things that I have to do and do it based on the datelines. I need to act fast now. Time is pressing and to think back, I don't have time much left before my data collection.

It's back to work, people!!!!

New year? WHAT?

It is 2009. Next year will be 2010. It is a year of my graduation. I aim to finish my study on time no matter what. For that, I have to sacrifice lots of things. Suffer a bit in the process. I know. Risks worth taking and for all that, I am glad and thankful.

I have planned to go for a trip with Kak N***** this coming summer. We plan to tour Europe in 15 days. Yup. It will cost us around GBP 549. It's worth for the money. After the trip, it will all about PhD (data analysis, writing up etc.). No more traveling. Just a short trip here and there once in a while to release tension.

Resolutions? Aims? Plans?

I will do whatever it takes to do the best I can to finish PhD on time. Full Stop. Nothing else matters.