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I was not being myself lately. It is as if I am living someone else's life.

First, with bapa condition, I know there is nothing I can do about it. Told Barbara aka my supervisor about it. Been thinking about going to the counselor. I don't know why I have the thought of seeking professional help. Just I feel that I need someone who is clinically trained to listen emphatically. Having emphatic friends is more than enough. This time around, I feel that I have something bottling up inside and I don't know how to ease the feeling. Barbara said that although it is might be a good thing to go to counseling, yet she suggests that perhaps what I need is just time and meantime, I need cognitive distraction to distract myself from thinking so much about it. When things happen, I will know how to deal with it. Too much anticipation won't do me any good. I should know this better. After all, those theories about grief and bereavement will be meaningless if I don't practice it. I should be strong and mentally stable. As if I know the level of my sanity at all time.

Second, I feel lost. With Z*** and A*** went back to Brunei, I feel empty. I should not feel this way. Z*** has to go back. After all, she has finished her work. A***? I believe that she will finish her study earlier than she thinks. Yup. She can do that. So, with K** in Notts, there are only me, N** and S*****. I feel lost. I don't know. I should not feel this way.

Third, when I was in UTM, every time I feel lost, what I did is I will spring clean. Especially the office. I will throw away unwanted things and rearranged the furniture. I will tidy up even my emails. I will delete some of the old emails from people that I loath. This time around, I find it hard to do so. I don't know. When I cleaned my room yesterday, every time I see the things that others gave me during our slumber parties and whatnot, I feel sad. I don't feel relief at all unlike the previous time when I did spring clean. In the end, I did it half way done. Kerja separuh siap. This is not me.

Forth, Z*** and A*** called before they took the flight home. I cried. I can't control myself from not crying. When they asked why I sound different, I told them I just woke up even though I have woken up since 630am. I didn't sleep after subuh. I lied to them. I don't want them to feel more sad than they are. I have to let them go. Ya Allah, I am blessed to have such wonderful friends. I miss them already. I don't know when will I see them again. I have come to the realisation that perhaps it could be the last time I saw Z*** especially. I feel sad. This is not good. I need to move on.

Fifth, I booked the ticket to go back in March. Have settled that. Haven't buy the MAS ticket. Have to ask Kakak to buy it for me since I can't buy it from here. It seems that I have a problem with the credit card. Again, I don't have problem to buy the Emirates ticket. Errmm... what went wrong here? Well, things are settled for now. Consider it done. Yeah.

Sixth, I miss my ex-supervisor. I miss him! Yed, what would you say when you see me in this state? "Stupid girl, you should've known better". I miss that statement!